this box says i shouldn’t, but i could totally operate some heavy machinery, right now. like totally fucking destroy it.

now for the traditional eating of the christmas tree

Merriam Christmas

Die Hard was actually appropriated from pagans

you’re not gonna believe this, but…

what’s wrong, babe? you’ve barely touched your grinchamole.

tops: i’ll swing by in 15 minutes. bottoms:

My boss: please stop using air quotes every time you say work

People out here griping about their 40s and they haven't even reached the Age of Polyps & Ointments

neighbor at Christmas party: alright, who ate the entire fucking cheese plate!?!? me:

próspero año y no money down

just used every last scrap of wrapping paper on one gift. telling them it’s an ancient wrapping process called “I’m fucking tired and gave up”

the neighbors have taken happy hondadays to the next fucking level

thinking about getting pregnant, so as to pull attention from Mary today

Whatever you do, don't bring up the marinara's divorce.

when mom tucked you in a minute ago, but you gotta wait up for Santa in your bedroom like:

[first day as a shepherd] boss: where are you going? me: [pointing] star boss: what? why me: [shrugging] baby

thank you for coming to my TED talk.

reaching the part of holiday preparations where i have a panic attack in my Pharmacy’s seasonal section

santa!? is that you???

(the mall, 1985) santa: and what do you want for christmas, little boy? me (age 6): lipstick and a pocketbook. santa: me: santa: that tracks.

i’ve apparently been on his naughty list

mall santa: and what would you like for christmas, son? me (12 yrs old): to feel a very large man’s arms around me every night (looks longingly at santa)

That was fast.

the moment you say—“fuck it!,” close your eyes, and hit the gas:

santa, 5am, christmas morning

inflatable decorations are great when you want your yard to look like a crime scene for most of the day

giving these coupons as gifts to celebrate the season

When I say “look at the cat” I expect my husbands head to turn within .1 second.

what happens at the north pole stays at the north pole

Sam Elliott has been age 52 for 93 years

calligraphy is great, if you want to write a strongly-worded letter to Thomas Jefferson.

Much like humans, adult carrots taste better than baby carrots

saw this television series. did not care for it.

"Time to make the soup!" I exclaim as I microwave a tumbler of rum

shit’s about to get real

quitting work to focus on correcting the ornament distribution of my tree.

Bravo, anonymous hero.

*pointing stud finder at my chest* Please…I need this

defenestration

the christmas skeets will continue until one of us dies.

“giddy up, jingle horse! pick up your feet!!” sounds like something my homophobic gym teacher would scream at me.

Santa!? Is that you???

a show about gender swapping holes. with children. what could go wrong!?

this was also the name of my goth band in high school

when that christmas cookie bloat starts to settle in:

and all over town the christmas dicks were lit with care, in the hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there…

You come to me on this, the day my grandma just won her first rap battle

casually snorting lines of christmas tree just to feel something. you?