hello, clarice

you are worse than the person who wears the tshirt of the band to that band’s concert.

the use of performance enhancing drugs by olympic athletes is getting out of hand

February is the "overslept on a Monday morning" of months.

me acting surprised at the birthday party i planned & threw for myself:

tax refund: $12.07 me at chipotle: yes. add guac.

clubbing in your 40s be like:

they added a new kind of biathlon where competitors alternate cross country skiing and preparing a perfect omelette

Less cluster, more fuck.

finally found a winter Olympic sport that i would totally fucking dominate

last thing you see before you die

i be wutherin’ on his heights ‘til he heathcliff.

they should make death cabs for uglies, too.

what’s a down again? dad, are you crying? -me, every Super Bowl Sunday

there is poetry everywhere. you just need to know where to look.

I used to love computer it was my friend. Now I have hate in my heart

yo, amazon needs to slow its roll

kiss me at the right in the butt motel, so i know it’s real.

Relax, bread department

was out last night after 8pm like:

*Blows cigarette smoke right in the face of people who just woke up to the news* "We already did all the jokes"

felt cute, might get in a death cab later.

[He-Man after doing some much needed redecorating] Welcome to Castle EarthtonesSkull

bad credit? no credit? killed your roommate and need to make it look like he slipped in the bathroom!? call today!!! -daytime tv commercials

me: i’ve been cast in a new and exciting ad campaign. the ad campaign:

help me settle a debate i think if u drive ur car backwards thru the car wash it’ll come out dirty and my wife thinks we should explore opening our relationship up

for all the bots newly following this account, i’d just like to say a quick 11000101010111110000101100110111100110!

goth allows you to look sad while wearing black fishnets and showing off your boobs.

the trick to real weight loss is to eat 100 small meals a day.

if the groundhog sees his shadow, they’ll be 6 more movies starring Charli XCX dropping

i woke up this morning and chose violets. -a florist, probably

studies show that by 2030 we will all be bread.

i wet my plants. -a gardener, probably

This day in history. 1578. Battle of Gembloux. Spanish forces defeated an army of Dutch, Flemish, English, Scottish, German, French, Italian, Walloon, Luxembourgish, Swiss, Andorran, Sámi, Rohanese, Dornish, Atlantan, Wakandan, Cimmerian, Ishtari, Freedonian, Ruritanian, and even Florinish rebels.

that my dad never loved me.

Beginning to understand why the kids were eating tide pods there for a bit.

studies show that by 2030 we will all be bread.

Trying to determine if my system will tolerate a 3rd nap today

bringing stills from my recent colonoscopy to your baby shower.

One advantage to getting old is that you can smell like pepperoni and people just kind of expect it

tops: i know a place. the place:

ketamine: wow! you look like shit. you should go back to bed or drink more water. ketanice: girl, did you cut your hair!? love!! and that outfit!? fire!! let’s dance all night, you sexy bitch!!

how is it January 48th already!? time is just flying by.

eyes are the window to the soul. just installed blackout curtains on mine.

“NOT ONE WORD, KATHLEEN.”

multiple frigs given

There’s something to be said for having nothing to say.

Deleted but not forgotten.

ok, kids. we’re going to play Seven-Up. heads down, thumbs up. (unscrews cap) I SAID KEEP THOSE GODDAMN HEADS DOWN!!! (takes enormous swig from handle of Tito’s) -1st Day as a 2nd Grade Teacher, 8:03am