I bit my dentist today. Wasn't even getting a checkup at the time, I just saw him at the supermarket

[naked and stuck like a helium balloon against the Home Depot ceiling during The Rapture]

1st day of fall and I'm still writing spring on my checks.

Before Jesus shows up, do any Christians leaving tomorrow have a crush on me, y/n

quick question does being raptured count as PTO or sick leave

we can’t do rapture tomorrow. i don’t have the right outfit yet.

short people always fucking up my day!!!

during sex, the belt stays on…

if you’re following this account, you may be entitled to compensation.

the trick to real weight loss is to eat 100 small meals a day.

these tastycakes were made by fucking vikings!!

turns out ambidextrous isn't when you like both crunchy and smooth peanut butter

Remember when we used to say 'anal retentive' instead of OCD? Haha, good times. Anyway your fly's open

(me, feverishly focused on the task at hand) window seat guy: so you're for real clipping your toenails then

neighbor’s really taking Halloween to the next fucking level

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

Don't apologise for your dog showing up during the Zoom, apologise for hiding him all this time

My doctor says I’m down to just one diabete.

i’m “titanic on vhs was two tapes long” old

I don’t look in the mirror because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

i made an informational pamphlet:

i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.

them: why are you funny all the time? me:

your honor, what's the wifi

caught my husband just sitting in a room with unflattering overhead lighting and i was like—are you even gay!?

Silly Jimmy Kimmel. He should have just called for all homeless people to be killed and he’d still have a job.

hanging this in my living room, so everyone knows my level of mental illness

Talk dirty to me, but do it like the swedish chef

*screams into the pumpkin spiced void*

may I speak with the primary poster in your household?

this meeting could’ve been an x-files standalone episode

I just found some candy in my jacket

some of you have never bailar la bamba and it shows

these pumpkins are not going to spice themselves

I know this isn’t a good time to confess this, but for a while I thought the title meant it was a show about a midwife named “Call”

ever since i was a little boy, i always knew i wanted to be right.

my son is the great cornholio

your whore name is your first name followed by your last name

yo, someone just did a number four in there!!

My work here is don’t.

when threatened, the female of the species will “puff up” before striking

Sent a pigeon through the tube at the bank. Boy were they surprised

i’m not beyond faking a medical emergency at the supermarket for a hot dad.

sprints to edge of platform

me: light on the cream cheese, please. nyc:

TEETH IS INNOCENT

my five year old was getting a little frustrated playing mario kart and muttered under her breath “I’m gonna wreck this world…”

when are we going to have a national conversation about the horrors of addiction to competitive baking shows?

Maybe we're all charging our phones against their will. Maybe they want to die.

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.