prepping for july 1st

happy pride

getting a twink blood transfusion in preparation for NYC Pride this weekend.

and to shopping bags you shall return. amen.

my son may or may not have committed some light voter fraud yesterday.

ready to be raptured by my uber driver

*at the glory hole Dad?

totally forgot to leave a plate of thermostats out for all the dads last night.

this is why you don’t sleep with a coworker

dunkin’ be real as all fuck for this

my phone autocorrected to HOBOsexual. that bitch just gets me.

Hey, guys! I found it!!!!

my ride’s here, gang! later bitches!!!

i’m sorry, but the jon secada cd stays on during sex.

my son’s daycare called. apparently, he got the wrong lunchbox. i told them he’s only allowed 3 Marlboro Reds at snacktime.

for when you want to feel even dumber than you look:

dentist: open up, please. me: i think my mom is having an affair with my high school gym teacher.

Ok hear me out, if each of us kills five hundred mosquitos a day

Cracking open a cold can of tuna with the boys

Me: Armadillos can carry, and give you leprosy. McDonald’s Drive-thru: I meant anything else to eat.

heating up the leftovers I don’t want to eat

Sometimes I worry that charging my phone isn't a real hobby.

OK, WHO THE FUCK TOLD!?!?

so, get your fit right, bitches!!!

maha

r.i.p., usa

him: i like your personality. me: thank you. it’s really more of a disorder really.

corporations on June 1st: let the gays begin.

it was good. had 8. fought someone in the parking lot afterwards.

got fucking logged out of my toothbrush. again.

yo, do i look high to you guys?

me to my dinner party guests:

i’m like 96% sure my mother-in-law’s precious moments doll is trying to kill me.

we’ll see about that

i always ask them not to cut the pizza so I can just eat it like a big cookie

(jumps the fucking curb and pulls into parking lot on two wheels)

relax, babby girl. it’s all good.

there’s music for literally every activity

I GET LOGGED OUT. BUT I LOG IN AGAIN

daycare lady (looks at my son, looks at me): did you forget it was picture day!? me: wow. as parent and a gay that hurts twice.

immediately jumps onto the fucking stage

could you please describe your penis by sending me a pic of it? thank you.

get a room!

This day in history. 1984. In Australia the one dollar coin replaced the one dollar bill. The coin featured five kangaroos on one side and on the other, a dingo carrying a bundle of something possibly Woolworths beef jerky.

you guys have anything going on tomorrow? i have work, but i can quit.

hi. welcome to dpresso. your parents never loved you.

thinking about calling a spade—like something else

happy 5/11 to all the guys who are “totally 6 feet”

Surely they've suffered enough?

High school reunion was just like old times (ate my dinner in a stairwell).