Leftism: how can we make life better for everyone? Conservatism: how can we make life worse for everyone I hate? Centrism: both sides make valid points

I received an "F" on my dental school paper for writing "the tooth fairy takes 'em while you sleep" and now I'm suing the school for religious discrimination

Mr. President, CookieMonster'sAss_420_69 posted something mean about you online. I advise moving forward with indictment proceedings.

Leftism: how can we make life better for everyone? Conservatism: how can we make life worse for everyone I hate? Centrism: both sides make valid points

When I said "I authorize you to commit war crimes" my subordinates should've known I was joking because I'd never do that

Hey, nice well-functioning system you've got there. What if we were to.... completely ruin it by injecting A.I. into it for no reason? Would that be something you might be interested in?

The people who were complaining that DEI will put unqualified minorities into the workforce are the same people demanding that an unqualified white woman be given a better grade than she earned, ultimately enabling her to enter the workforce over someone more deserving. Probably a coincidence though

Trump's MRI raises new questions about Biden's health.

I received an "F" on my dental school paper for writing "the tooth fairy takes 'em while you sleep" and now I'm suing the school for religious discrimination

BREAKING: Appeals court rules that you must follow the law when appointing the person responsible for enforcing the law

me: *googling symptoms* webmd: you’re being murdered murderer: see i told you

[concert] singer: (shouting) i can’t hear you me: (shouting back) it’s because of the music

Hey bro, how much do you bench? How much do you chair? How much do you sofa, bro? I am interested in your sitting situation my man

Two concepts that can both be true at the same time: 1. Donald Trump is bad. 2. You don't need to mention him in response to my posts about iron man farting or whatever.

Me: what's 2+2? AI chatbot: 5, also you should kill yourself

If you follow me for posts like the bottom one, just know that you'll also be seeing a lot of posts like the top one

Tony Stark: [farts while in iron man suit] Jarvis: wretched, sir

Remember in 2000 when Al Gore was repeatedly misquoted as having said he invented the internet and that was seen the eyes of many as disqualifying him from office? Simpler times. Today, Trump makes up lies equivalent to "I invented the internet" 30 times a week and no one bats an eye. Good job media

I love hotel destination fees because the company's not even trying to hide the fact that they're a blatant ripoff. "What's this 'destination' fee?" "Oh, that's a fee for being at your destination. You're here. This is your destination. Pay us money." Elite-level scamming.

rich dudes got freakier after butlers fell out of fashion, like say what you will about having domestic servants but clearly it was some sort of moderating force on old rich dudes having a fancy man follow you around saying shit like "oh dear sir, that wouldn't be very becoming"

Private investigator [dropping folder on the table]: sorry bud, but she's been seeing another man Client [opening folder and looking through]: these- these are just photos of a bunch of women's feet in sandals outside? Private investigator [quickly grabbing papers]: uhhh that's for something else

Horrifying if literal: cost of living. Oh wait

Heard my neighbor's dog barking and for a moment legitimately thought "what are you complaining about? You don't have any real problems"

Touching grass is not enough I need to live in a hole

Welcome to the abyss! Enjoy the abyss! Spend as much time as you'd like in the abyss! Surrender yourself to the abyss! Nothing is better than the abyss!* *If you are not capable of handling yourself in the abyss, call 1-800-NO-ABYSS for help avoiding the abyss.

The guy shot two random people with a gun, I don't think you can say he wasn't assimilating into our culture

"Why don't people love evil murder theft robot?" wonders inventor of evil murder theft robot

i'm way better than all of the dogs in the dog show. i can ride a bike, i can cook meals, and i'm very familiar with computers. i can do all kinds of things that they will never be able to do

[the robe store] me: is this a good one for getting the morning paper salesperson: yes and, you’re gonna love this, it’s our top rated robe for frantically taking the garbage out because you hear the truck coming me: (hiding my excitement) really

Me seeing another CIA trained radical attack the united states: Well well well if it isn't the blowback brothers...

Each Autozone weekly team meeting begins with the manager saying "get in the zone" and everyone else responding "au-to zone!" Anyone who fails to respond accordingly is assigned to 15 minutes in "the Zone." Nobody makes this mistake more than once.

GEICO CEO: sales are down. We need a new marketing campaign Assistant: make the mascot a gecko CEO: what? A gecko? Assistant: because gecko sounds like geico. People are dumb and like that sorta thing CEO: I don't think- Assistant: also make it Australian or whatever. These idiots love accents

Good financial system where an AC malfunction in one building can cripple world markets!

"Seriously, you haven't seen [well-known movie]???" No, I haven't. What now? Do I go to jail? Should I jump off the roof? Exile myself from society? What are my options here

CDC website altered at Robert F. Kennedy's behest to reflect his belief that "all events depicted in the film Ghostbusters really happened."

Hello, please see attached. They want to sign on Monday so we have our work cut out for us before then. I have a prior family engagement this weekend, but I’ll be available for update calls 9pm each night. I’ve put time on your calendars for those. Let’s get started.

Cutting out the middleman by inventing a ceiling lightbulb cover that already comes with the dead bugs inside

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich ME: oh dang that sounds so good DOORDASH: now imagine that it could be yours for just $37

[argument at thanksgiving dinner] wife: *whispering to me* don’t start taking sides this time me: why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* they're too busy yelling to notice

Last night, at almost 41 years of age, LeBron James put up 25 points 6 rebounds 6 assists on 60% shooting in 32 minutes of an NBA game. Last night, at almost 41 years of age, I turned too quickly to the left and now my neck hurts. We are not the same.

I have long posited that Daniel Craig's accent in Glass Onion is better than Knives Out because in Knives Out he is trying to do a real Southern accent and is bad at it but in Glass Onion he is just talking like Foghorn Leghorn, which is something a real gay Southern weirdo would do.

doing the dishes in my sink so the guy coming to fix my heating doesn’t know i eat breakfast

When we polled 100 women on what turns them on, the number one response was getting attacked by a yak

Republicans plan to challenge stop sign and building fire alarm mandates, declaring that these issues should be addressed by the free market

"Reminder to rate your recent purchase" no thanks I'd rather die

No one at the rap battle will wait for me to type my prompts

maybe i am going insane