"We have a rising new Dem star who really engages with people, and is sure to win their next election." DEM LEADERSHIP: That's fantastic. "What are the next steps?" DEM LEADERSHIP: Simple. Force them to step aside and throw their support behind this 80-year-old lifetime politician.

Probably the worst thing by far about this presidency is that I have to spend time posting about the daily horrors rather than making dumb jokes about grimace

The freedom of speech lovers are at it again

Have you tried incorporating AI into your movie-watching? With AI, you can receive an ongoing description of the movie while you're watching the movie! Optimize your movie experience with AI.

Breaking news: the military just killed six more fisherman for some reason

Watching people being brutalized by the state, secure in the knowledge that I'm safe because I don't do anything wrong. And the best part? The state can't suddenly and arbitrarily redefine what "wrong" means

Have you tried incorporating AI into your movie-watching? With AI, you can receive an ongoing description of the movie while you're watching the movie! Optimize your movie experience with AI.

[Pollock family game night] Jackson: K who's gonna be my partner for Pictionary Mom: Not it Dad: Not it Sis: Not it Gramma: DAMN IT

If your name is something like Chip Callahan or Terry O'Brien and you're not at least an offensive coordinator at the college level by age 35 you have failed at life

Sarah "Jessica" Parker

[Playing "Black Hole Sun" near Neil Degrasse Tyson just to make him mad]

Just watched One Battle After Another, and I can say one thing for sure: there were a lot of battles

things bullets say

i love the idea that there’s definitely a few thousand people out there everyday that ask grok stuff like “is broccoli healthy”

love to hear family members being like "can you believe they give $50,000 to refugees for doing nothing i read it on facebook" homie you were forwarding me chain emails about mars inverting the earth's gravity in 2003 you should not be allowed access to the internet

If your name is something like Chip Callahan or Terry O'Brien and you're not at least an offensive coordinator at the college level by age 35 you have failed at life

i am so ready for quantum to be the next dumb buzzword the tech industry forces everyone to pretend to care about. "how are you incorporating quantum into your daily work?" i'm not but it's so refreshing you asked me a new and different stupid question

Guy from Boston describing someone very evil: he's wicked wicked

That 13-year-old boy we kidnapped as he was leaving his 8th grade class? He was actually MS-13. That 94-year-old grandmother we kidnapped from her nursing home? She was MS-13 too. That 4-day-old baby we kidnapped from the NICU? That's right, MS-13

Guy who has "Don't like games. Tell it how it is. Football is God." in his dating bio going out with girl who has "Fluent in sarcasm. Dog mom. Love to laugh." in hers

I consider myself to be a modern man who is above the base impulses of my gender, but all bets are off the moment I enter the home depot hammers section

Grandpa: I sent your grandma 57 handwritten love letters from the western front and she finally agreed to marry me when I returned from the war Me: the computer told me to say "I had a good time last night" to this girl but it didn't work for some reason

Me: you know they used to kill horses for glue Friend: seriously? [flashback to 1953] Farmer: [racks shotgun] Horse: [holding tube of elmer's] no I need this for my crafts

(forgetting the word for antibiotics) do i need cancel culture

YA or "young adult" books is a misleading way to describe most novels in the genre. Many of them have been published within the last year, making them baby books, if anything

Me trying to have some fun with my kid: ok bud, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10 My son: why?

Inside every man rages the same eternal battle: king kong versus godzilla

billboard: hey look at me me: can’t I’m driving billboard: come on look me: eyes on the road billboard: pls it’s important me: fine what is it billboard: drive safely lol

The most mentally fragile, comically buffoonish group of people in history. "Counterprogramming" during the super bowl because the guy performing won't be sitting on stage in an F-150 singing about coors light and divorce

The numbers are in. Despite these two things that had zero likelihood of addressing the budget deficit, the budget deficit is still bad

“I’m strong and I want to have like fifty kids and a farm” of course you do. You’re twelve. “I don’t want to eat vegetables I think steak and French fries is the only meal” hell yeah homie you’re twelve. “Maybe if there’s crime we should just send the army” bless your heart my twelve year old buddy

working on a new unified theory of american reality i'm calling "everyone is twelve now"

if you’re charging $40 for your haunted house i better be able to fuck a ghost or at the very least make pottery with one.

STEVE HARVEY: something with 8 legs you don’t want to see in your bedroom ME, BUZZING IN IMMEDIATELY: 4 men fucking my wife

Archeologist: we've decoded the Rosetta Stone! Now we can read Egyptian hieroglyphics! Reporter: amazing! [pointing to image of a bird] what does this one mean? Archeologist: that means "bird" Reporter: ok... [pointing to image of a cat] and this one? Archeologist: you're not gonna believe this,

[Trump announces that ICE agents will now wear white hoods] New York Times: the president makes a bold fashion statement

it's called a fleshlight because jack-o-lantern was taken

DMV Worker: Stop staring at your phone while I take your driver's license photo Guy: But this is how I look when I drive

Y'all are whining about people being mean to algorithms when you should be debating late-90s NBA shooting guards. Bro, you're thinking about the wrong AI

Right wing attempts to criticize anything perceived as "woke" always involve the most outlandish scenarios. They'll hear "believe women" and go "oh really? So if three crones dressed in Victorian garb say they have something nice to show me in their cabin in the woods, I should just believe them??"

It's very funny when NPR is interviewing an expert in something and it all feels fairly normal and evenhanded and then at the end they're like "and that was Christopher Halliburton from the Center for Exploding Venezuela"

75 years ago: in the future humanity will have cured hunger and disease, and begun to explore the stars Today: we put a demon in your phone that's gonna take your job and destroy the planet

It's 1925. I'm leanin' against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.

Me preparing for my presentation in front of the mirror: gas is a state of matter with neither fixed volume nor fixed shape. It is a compressible form of fluid. A pure gas consists of individual atoms or molecules Me up on the podium in front of 300 people: umm ok, so you know about farts

[kash patel doing a presentation in front of FBI employees] ok everyone, watch this [he pulls out a skateboard and tries to do a kickflip but falls on his ass and is carried out by two agents]

Nice joke you got there. Would be a real shame if someone were to... respond with a suggestion that makes it worse

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for life. Transform a man into a fish and you enable him to roam the cool waters of the Atlantic, free from the burdens of the human world

The Odyssey is one of the world’s most inspiring and enduring stories of a man voyaging for years powered solely by the indomitable spirit of human will and a deep suspicion that his wife is getting railed by those guys in town

Kidnapping parents in front of their children and killing fisherman in their boats sounds bad, but you know what's worse? Pink hair and pronouns