I saw the Grinch playing the knockout game right in the middle of downtown. In broad daylight

Part of being an aging hipster around the holidays is thinking about how much better Santa's old stuff was

I think Bronny James still believes in Santa Claus

the tv commercials telling you to join ice because of 9/11 and the tv commercials where lil dicky advertises buzzballs each offend me the exact same amount

They're letting Draymond Green decapitate Santa Claus at halftime today "by any means he deems necessary"

i don't care for the grinch as a person but I've always respected his films. I'm able to separate the art from the artist.

these are my twin sons Ralph and Ralph Gaiden

I’m going to need everyone to buy my album in the spirit of the holidays. You can pretend I’m alarmingly thin and holding up a single crutch if it helps you feel sorry enough for me veryimportant.lawyer

the uncs were all chopped by the chimney with care

i actually peeked at his timeline recently to gawk at a freak and take the temperature of the greater Bari-verse. but he's mostly just a replacement level resist lib whose disorder gets the better of him from time to time, like a werewolf but a full moon just makes him annoying

of course the grink was there, honey. he's your father after all. he cut the umbilical cord. it was the best day of our lives

"worldfall" by nachtmystium is a christmas song

Every few years Marvel tries to make a movie that seems normal like a real movie. But they no longer have the juice to astroturf posts that all say “holy shit. Just wow. Lynchian” so it doesn’t work any more. That’s a marvel movie. Those don’t count

I’m in the friend zone (Buffalo Wild Wings)

gonna say what i always say: operation ivy taught me how to be a man and "here we go again" is one of the best songs of all time

if they had maury in 1 BC things would have gone down different

Every Christmas I remember the time a buddy who always played Santa at holiday dog adoption events wore his Santa outfit to a Halloween party, and my friend was incredibly stoned and found the concept so funny that he was gasping for breath laughing so hard. “He’s being Santa Claus for Halloween”

It’s none of my business if you watch hockey but I don’t want you teaching it to my kids

They’re also Freddy Krueger

the atlantic? the crackhead magazine by and for doofuses?

Non-Phixion - I Shot Santa

i'm at the combination Big Dial Taht Says Racism and Trying To Remove It

you can search the name of somebody who sucks and block everyone who has anything nice to say about them. it's a gift you can give yourself whenever you want to as long as you can remember the name of somebody who sucks

airheads-style hostage situation but it's me forcing freschetta to bring back their italian sausage rising crust

sally jenkins? you still watch that? you know it's fake right?

my wife walked in on me dabbing in the shower

your insurance company probably already has a thing on the website that gives you discounts for gym memberships and fitness trackers and equipment and supplements and stuff. Because they already knew prevention was cheaper than (denying you) coverage and didn't need the computer men to reinvent it

My new working theory is that there's an infinite amount of Information but a finite amount of Truth and our steadily increasing "Truth Dilution" is the root cause of why everybody is a superstitious idiot now

Keepchange You! Filthy Animal

my bayesian priors updated overnight and now a bunch of stuff i need for work is broken

(Acting performatively jaded when I find out Santa Claus got outed as a sex pest) whatever. I always thought that guy sucked

Kicked out of the grocery store for screaming “Oatly! Barista” in a Frank Black voice

Wild scenes at Grandma’s Table diner as a young lady tried to order a Cosmo to drink. Total consternation as the waitress explained to the guy I think was the bartender “it’s an alcoholic beverage”

the thing about bari weiss is that she is so inept that she literally couldn't even get fired correctly, and everyone who respects her has a hamster wheel where a human brain goes

Bari Weiss is an elaborate thinking exercise designed to test the limits of Hanlon’s razor

you can't do poptimism to me about avatar. that's a marvel movie. those don't count.

Imagine embarrassing yourself so bad that you’re considered embarrassing even for tv news

got bit by one as a kid. terrified of these fuckers. always feel targeted by this

Footie. Nothing like it. Pure bants. Mental

(Making those mean Erika Kirk eyes) Bear down

[jar jar binks voice] hailsa folk!

Definitionally not a first-of-its-kind body filler

Damian Lillard came in and taught Giannis about "Toxic Loyalty"

as president i will confront the powerful ne'er-do-well lobby and criminalize wrongdoing.

Today! Swing by for great vintage and groovy tunes!

everybody with more money than us is lying to our face every second of every day

I tried to watch Hellraiser on a plane once and felt like America’s Most Dangerous Pervert and needed to turn it off. Videodrome would be crazy

we already had access to every library in the world. it was called jstor and you made nerds hang themselves for accessing it without paying

jake paul won't hear your insults. but your annoying friends whose lights have been punched out before for mouthing off will