“retaliatory and unusual“ is actually a really perfect and poetic way to describe conservatives generally

Every time I see a parent walking down the street with an empty stroller I just assume their kid got raptured. Which would make them a good parent but also a bad person.

I gotta go back and apologize to my doctor. I only laughed when you told me I could get my esophagus scoped and my colonoscopy done in the same visit because it made me think about “Future Swag” by Young Thug

OUT NOW: @junlper.beer goes guesto mode! June is simply a perfect guesto. Our conversation (on live comedy, Pokemon, Super Smash Bros Melee, Lost, folk punk, board games, and Christian Ninjago X users) is one of the most pleasant things anyone has ever listened to. Check it out or I'm gonna lose it

Patrick Cosmos (“club sandwich” was just normal chicken sandwich on burger bun) has no timetable for return.

This spaceship has a bleached asshole

The Spooky Girl From The Ring’s Well Lurking Time Is Almost 17 Hours a Day.

“The lady from the phone who doesn’t exist if you’re not looking at a phone and only talks about the phone be going on her phone” thanks. Thank you so much for this

I hope you enjoyed yourselves because today you woke up somewhere weird with all your gear missing. No map. Because of like magnets or some shit. I hope you like stealth

Jaden Ivey never should have asked Nathan Fielder for advice on how to leave the Chicago Bulls

Wake up babe. New Friedman Unit just dropped

We gotta do something about metaphors

Living with Kristi Noem while secretly yearning to be a bimbo would be excruciatingly frustrating every single day. It would be like if I grew up sharing a room with Michael Jordan

All my trans homies have access to double-jump and fast-travel today without using up an inventory slot. Enjoy it responsibly folks

I agree with what everybody else is saying about Kristi Noem. It's irresponsible to share information about her or her husband that humanizes them or makes them seem cool

The funniest thing used to be the pope excommunicating him but the new funniest thing is the pope organizing a boycott of his book

objectively the funniest critique an american could level at another country

Going to Costco on a Sunday with a moderate-to-severe hangover

I want to live long enough to become the only adult who wasn’t driven insane by their personal feelings towards an Entertainer. If I can make it to 70 I think I’ve got a solid chance

“Hey chief. You better come take a look at this. Whatever it is, it’s extremely loud and incredibly close.” (Junior detective starts barfing)

That's right

the article goes on to explain that Tony Dokoupil makes compromises like that too

Babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched your coffee jug

The TV at Athletico has just been playing footage from video games (some Final Fantasy game last week; Donkey Kong 64 this morning) and nobody who works there knows why. There is nothing else on the screen. Just gameplay and cutscenes

Every time a podcaster says that something reminds them of something from the Sopranos I tell everyone, throw a party, and invite Bella Hadid

There’s advice you’re not really allowed to give people unless you’re chatgpt. Anyways I think rahm should take the advice

Patrick has died. “Jam On It” by Newcleus came on the shuffle and he stopped walking in the middle of the street to perform “the robot,” at which point he was obliterated by a Slingshot going thirty miles per hour above the posted speed limit. This post legally serves as both his wake and funeral.

I’m like a sommelier but for all of the different kinds of “sinking feeling” you can get

I call him the Covfefe Fafo Taco. I think his full name is that

Venetian Snares x Daniel Lanois - Venetian Snares x Daniel Lanois but also Luke Vibert/BJ Cole - Stop the Panic

WAR DON'T SEX CRIMES HIDE CRIMES

I’m sick of all the discourse about whether or not kink is appropriate at No Kings

we need to find a rob schneider of the left

Your periodic reminder that there is a website that lets you listen to local radio stations anywhere in the world This is honestly one of the coolest inventions ever, imo. Global access to hyper-local imagined communities

Taking a 2.5mg edible and feeling god’s benevolent presence on the Kimball bus

The draftmeister…the big draftarino… (even stupider deep voice) selective serrrrvice

Michael Tracey has joined the chat

Right now on Twitter there is an adult man named like “Erudite Beavis” who is a/b testing different flavors of racism to see which one will get him yelled at enough to recoup the cost of his checkmark this month

Every time Tiger Woods doesn’t have the exact right amount of sex his car flips over

I sincerely think that anyone streaming on Kick should be preemptively arrested for battery Minority Report style

people put the trump admin on blast for bringing back a bunch of preventable diseases but they have also completely eradicated imposter syndrome

I need for the oppo research to catch up with him in about two and a half months so I can make a Death In June joke about his campaign. Please give me that

I am prized for my gentle demeanor and soft mouth

Exciting news—We've finally found a way to do a paid indie media bundle so you don't have to separately subscribe to so many newsletters. Now you can get a 30-day trial of @katelynburns.com @kattenbarge.bsky.social and my publications in your inbox for one [heavily discounted] price! Sign up now:

I have the same amount of respect for graham platner people as andrew yang people. I might actually have more respect for andrew yang people because they are a more normal kind of Fuckin Stupid

My legal name is Sven Benjamin Johnson-Swanson