every time i read about some band or some publicist and their goofy pay-to-play astroturf algorithm games it makes me happy to keep my head down and make my little music nobody likes. which is why you should buy it veryimportant.lawyer i make so much of it whether i want to or not

This is a classic example of the "exonerative voice" you see so often in major media. It's misleading and unnecessary. DON'T SAY: 'Catholic content creator' INSTEAD SAY: 'child pornographer'

jocks will keep listening to metalcore despite the fact that "bitches brew" by miles davis has the hardest mosh breakdown of all time

The Final Pam

next week we bear witness to the holiest of miracles: ham deals

I am Leo-style pointing at the tv about this

There was one I think is long gone where a guy said he couldn’t trust anyone who turned their back on cargo shorts because “them shorts made you, fam.” That was easily my favorite tweet

I can't believe the "New Yorker" REJECTED this cartoon!

Wrestling announcers talking about “attacking the surgically-repaired [body part]” is disgusting and Michael Cole-coded

This account can fit so many jokes about stephin Merritt loving the moon

This happened to Stephin Merritt but it was permanent

Always sad to see someone whose spirit glows so dim that they cannot glimpse the mysteries of faith in an ornate water feature

Neil Armstrong only walked on the moon because he got a DUI and had to get to his space job

“retaliatory and unusual“ is actually a really perfect and poetic way to describe conservatives generally

Every time I see a parent walking down the street with an empty stroller I just assume their kid got raptured. Which would make them a good parent but also a bad person.

I gotta go back and apologize to my doctor. I only laughed when you told me I could get my esophagus scoped and my colonoscopy done in the same visit because it made me think about “Future Swag” by Young Thug

OUT NOW: @junlper.beer goes guesto mode! June is simply a perfect guesto. Our conversation (on live comedy, Pokemon, Super Smash Bros Melee, Lost, folk punk, board games, and Christian Ninjago X users) is one of the most pleasant things anyone has ever listened to. Check it out or I'm gonna lose it

Patrick Cosmos (“club sandwich” was just normal chicken sandwich on burger bun) has no timetable for return.

This spaceship has a bleached asshole

The Spooky Girl From The Ring’s Well Lurking Time Is Almost 17 Hours a Day.

“The lady from the phone who doesn’t exist if you’re not looking at a phone and only talks about the phone be going on her phone” thanks. Thank you so much for this

I hope you enjoyed yourselves because today you woke up somewhere weird with all your gear missing. No map. Because of like magnets or some shit. I hope you like stealth

Jaden Ivey never should have asked Nathan Fielder for advice on how to leave the Chicago Bulls

Wake up babe. New Friedman Unit just dropped

We gotta do something about metaphors

Living with Kristi Noem while secretly yearning to be a bimbo would be excruciatingly frustrating every single day. It would be like if I grew up sharing a room with Michael Jordan

All my trans homies have access to double-jump and fast-travel today without using up an inventory slot. Enjoy it responsibly folks

I agree with what everybody else is saying about Kristi Noem. It's irresponsible to share information about her or her husband that humanizes them or makes them seem cool

The funniest thing used to be the pope excommunicating him but the new funniest thing is the pope organizing a boycott of his book

objectively the funniest critique an american could level at another country

Going to Costco on a Sunday with a moderate-to-severe hangover

I want to live long enough to become the only adult who wasn’t driven insane by their personal feelings towards an Entertainer. If I can make it to 70 I think I’ve got a solid chance

“Hey chief. You better come take a look at this. Whatever it is, it’s extremely loud and incredibly close.” (Junior detective starts barfing)

That's right

the article goes on to explain that Tony Dokoupil makes compromises like that too

Babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched your coffee jug

The TV at Athletico has just been playing footage from video games (some Final Fantasy game last week; Donkey Kong 64 this morning) and nobody who works there knows why. There is nothing else on the screen. Just gameplay and cutscenes

Every time a podcaster says that something reminds them of something from the Sopranos I tell everyone, throw a party, and invite Bella Hadid

There’s advice you’re not really allowed to give people unless you’re chatgpt. Anyways I think rahm should take the advice

Patrick has died. “Jam On It” by Newcleus came on the shuffle and he stopped walking in the middle of the street to perform “the robot,” at which point he was obliterated by a Slingshot going thirty miles per hour above the posted speed limit. This post legally serves as both his wake and funeral.

I’m like a sommelier but for all of the different kinds of “sinking feeling” you can get

I call him the Covfefe Fafo Taco. I think his full name is that

Venetian Snares x Daniel Lanois - Venetian Snares x Daniel Lanois but also Luke Vibert/BJ Cole - Stop the Panic

WAR DON'T SEX CRIMES HIDE CRIMES

I’m sick of all the discourse about whether or not kink is appropriate at No Kings

we need to find a rob schneider of the left