Christopher Halliburton is so close he can taste it, all that work, all these years, he can fucking taste it.

It’s a coincidence, of course, that Sydney Sweeney has the initials SS, but the fact that she was born on January 4th, 1988 is just a bridge too far, if you ask me.

Trump having back to back to back meetings unintentionally speedrunning Frank Reynolds’ lines like there’s no tomorrow

Megyn Kelly, always a stickler for the truth, came out and said with her whole chest, “Santa is WHITE, Trump is an EPHEBOPHILE, and I am a CRETIN!”

Who is Megyn Kelly for? A whirling dervish of half-considered nonsense opinions and rhetoric too trite and poorly articulated to be inflammatory. Mediocre and mendacious and stupid. My lord! I’m forced to know this person exists just because she’s blonde?? God just be making any kind of person smh.

I can’t sleep -Oh, it’s probably all that rough shit going on in the world and in your personal life Nah, probably just some dumb thing

Spent a truly obscene amount of money on my “cold cubes” idea only to be told about ice after 6 years of R&D. Furiously replacing every mention of "innovator" from my bio and shoehorning in some “working in the proud tradition of" bullshit.

Striding confidently, and with perfect posture, towards Bethlehem

Satire requires a clarity of purpose and target and also basically a goddamn flashing disclaimer, lest it be mistaken for genuine sentiment by the most joyless dunderheads on the internet.

Hey, my partner and I saw you from across the bar and thought your vibe was absolutely rancid. We think you should probably get the fuck out of here right now.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, as close as possible, preferably deep inside you, writhing in ecstasy so divine that they’re unable to scheme or plot.

At Intercourse University we used to derisively laugh at the Fuck State kids and turn up our noses at them. I understand now that that was privileged, elitist and wrong.

We need a leftist Joe Rogan and a tiny LeBron James and a Jennifer Lopez who can sing in tune. PRONTO. These are the top priorities of the DNC and we’ll stop at nothing. You have your orders. Spare no expense.

This used to be a safe neighborhood. Folks left their replies unlocked every day, without even a second thought.

We all know that one guy who, whenever people are arguing about humanity’s greatest technological advances, has to jump in about fucking ball bearings, an absolute simp for ball bearings, can’t WAIT to get into his little spiel.

Elon might be a trillionaire while thousands of families starve, but did you also know he suffers from ARFID and can only eat ethically sourced ortolan bunting OR A5 wagyu that has never been touched by human hands? Maybe don’t be so quick to judge, hmm?

Anti-vaxxers exposing Hays Code ass diseases to the general public is antisocial behavior that at one point would have required compulsory isolation and social exile. Instead, the Raw Milk Typhoid Mary community is allowed to continue their dunderheaded agenda unabated. Unsettles my spirit.

It’s so interesting to look into the eyes of every Republican cabinet member and see a shimmering metallic psychosis.

I actually think House Democrats strategy of immediately presenting their bare buttocks in surrender is a chess move we’ll only truly appreciate in hindsight.

Democrats whenever some dumb fool Democrat decides to open their dumb fool mouth to say something both dumb and foolish.

We all know that one guy who, whenever people are arguing about humanity’s greatest technological advances, has to jump in about fucking ball bearings, an absolute simp for ball bearings, can’t WAIT to get into his little spiel.

Seasonal Affective Deez Nuts

Me, Reading Dylan Thomas: Yes, haha! Don't go gently into that good night! Rage! Fight! Me, Experiencing The Slightest Physical Discomfort: Alright, gotta go gentle mode. Time to gentle up, for sure. Good night not lookin' so bad, think imma lean into it.

You can't intellectualize the entire universe, man. Can you "measure" time? Could one "quantify" intelligence, or "weigh" a human heart? You’re gonna “test” my blood alcohol level?? Give me back my gun, officer, and be on your way.

And this is what they call “the ole Chappaquiddick Farewell” in the Kennedy family, dude couldn’t help it, it’s in his blood.

It’s so interesting to look into the eyes of every Republican cabinet member and see a shimmering metallic psychosis.

The Atlantic is refusing to publish my article entitled "I Tried All the Scams in the Dead Prez Song 'Hell Yeah' and Here’s What Went Down." Huge missed opportunity to amplify a growing group of marginalized voices (scammers) in the public square.

Before I found god they called me Danny boy because the pipe was always calling

Freeway, ever the household budget hawk: “fuck a Lex, cause the clique fit good in the Caravan.”

The rapper Freeway warned us long ago what happens when people get hungry and broke and desperate in the wintertime! If a sneak start leaning/ and the heat stop workin'/ Then my heat start workin'/ I'ma rob me a person Nobody’s above the program.

Elon might be a trillionaire while thousands of families starve, but did you also know he suffers from ARFID and can only eat ethically sourced ortolan bunting OR A5 wagyu that has never been touched by human hands? Maybe don’t be so quick to judge, hmm?

The rapper Freeway warned us long ago what happens when people get hungry and broke and desperate in the wintertime! If a sneak start leaning/ and the heat stop workin'/ Then my heat start workin'/ I'ma rob me a person Nobody’s above the program.

unlike you guys, i only suffer from posters gladness

hey let me live motherfucker i just wanna live

They’ve stripped the dignity from asking for help Online. You’d never ask Jeeves if you should divorce your husband or to parse your complex inner life. It’s uncouth. You need boundaries between your soul and the ghost in the machine. Only appropriate.

Braids coming down this weekend. Served valiantly. Time to rest now. Stand down. 🫡

Hakeem Jeffries has soft wet hands, and he doesn’t laugh at movies until he sees other people laughing and he bought a male girdle but was too ashamed to wear it to church but then one day he did and a row of kids behind him laughed and took pictures of his odd silhouette.

Crashing out, but spiritually. In my head and in my heart. Crashing in.

Local Pregnant Woman Gamely Puts Aside Personal Preference For Uncut Cock To Weigh In On Infant Circumcision Debate

No, I think it’s great that you have an AI boyfriend, I’m just concerned if you keep shoving zinc into your usb-c port so he can shoot thick ropes, you might void the warranty?

John Fetterman represents an incredibly important and underserved demographic. Future family annihilators have long been ignored by those in power. That ends now.

Zohran’s victory speech is just gonna be, “Time to stop dickin around. Rent is free now and we’ll pay for it with the fresh blood of rich men.”

My mom thinks this one is so cute lol

Hired a court jester to dance and jape, but instead he keeps telling me parables about snakes in the grass and other dangerous truths, am I the asshole if I boil him in oil for intemperance?

Supreme Court votes 9-0 to destroy every living thing on this godforsaken earth.

Anti-vaxxers exposing Hays Code ass diseases to the general public is antisocial behavior that at one point would have required compulsory isolation and social exile. Instead, the Raw Milk Typhoid Mary community is allowed to continue their dunderheaded agenda unabated. Unsettles my spirit.

From Ciroc to contraband toilet wine, you love to see it 🙏🏾

telling a kid he needs to try real hard and breaking into hysterics because the first guy paid a trillion is frankenface atop an HGH-half-shaped mashed potato body fueled by club drugs and powered by a brain that gets paid for doing anything but what it claims and sucks shit at everything but racism

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