love to wake up and immediately start hurting myself with my brain

Someone doing a Luigi on Zaslav for fucking up the Mad Men HBO 4k transfer is not something I’d encourage, condone, or finance. But I’d understand.

Spending a lot of time around my middle school cousins and their friends lately, which is a lot like watching the pilot of Mad Men. I’m like, “I can tell who’s gay even though no one else here can! Neat!”

Expanding my shrine 🥲❤️

I made a playlist

America is in the mid-summer of its discontent. Smack dab in the middle of it. Plenty of discontent to go before it’s even jacket season, to be honest.

JESUS CHRIST!

in Our Time,the single guiding principle that lets you see the future is " Whatever is funniest and dumbest will happen ."

I’ll take a vodka redbull, please! *1960s waitress looks at me sideways, suspecting time travel* Uh, I mean I’ll take your coldest beer mixed into a big ole mug of Sanka, please. *Waitress continues to side eye* Whoops, this is NOT the Coloured section, my apologies, Doris! Lemme just scooch.

A nice thing about getting older is you can say, “boy i done seen some shit” and even if you if haven’t actually seen anything, people will mostly take your word for it

There is no more surefire way to win back a restless and dissatisfied populace than by making all of their food poisoned and rotten and nasty.

I’m an empath, which means the cruel, biting personal attacks I launch at retail employees, friends, fellow motorists, neighbors, customer service professionals and my own (bitch) mother actually hurt me way way more than they hurt anyone else

You need to grow the fuck up. You’re an adult now. Time to face the facts. There’s no N in the word restaurateur. Quit believing in fairytales.

A good day for my favorite hobby. Walking around with an inexplicable limp, pointing at strangers, yelling, "you there!", then shuffling off without any follow up.

Hello Sharks, I am here to ask for $500,000 for 4% equity in my unlicensed Medieval Times spinoff called Contemporary Times where we just drop the pretense and bareknuckle box

Last night, I had a visit from the ghost of Regular Future, he said I should expect a gritty streaming series based on Popeye. Didn't even show me a vision, just said it and left.

Lord, I see what you've done for others. It’s real sick shit, frankly. You belong in jail.

Lolol

If chattel slavery didn’t already exist, Mr. Beast would invent it using a really engaging YouTube thumbnail.

All you’ve got to do to get a candid quote out of anyone in Trump-world is to sidle up to them like you’re at a party where someone’s being socially bizarre and mumble “get a load of this guy.” They’re so grateful to be talking to a normy that they’re like, “Oh my god, YES girl, the CRIMES!”

A really important story is unfolding here!! Completely ignored by the mainstream media, shameful.

An underrated really fun day on here was the day HBomberguy dropped his plagiarism video.

Someone doing a Luigi on Zaslav for fucking up the Mad Men HBO 4k transfer is not something I’d encourage, condone, or finance. But I’d understand.

If chattel slavery didn’t already exist, Mr. Beast would invent it using a really engaging YouTube thumbnail.

You wanna post an image of your grandmother on her wedding day, just before the war (youthful, radiant, pensive) and and then bait and switch it goatse once it hits 2k likes?? Shame on you!

Why do you people want an edit button so badly? So you can post “I love kittens!” only to change it to , “I love fisting! #gapegang #KnuclesAintNothun”? Because that’s really immature and not funny!!!

Finally talking about something that’s been haunting me for a full year now on this app. This’ll be the last time I address the drama, happy to let it die tonight… 🙏🏾💕

The CIA is obviously not allowed to operate within the United States itself, but I think sometimes when you’re working with a team, you’ve got to step outside your comfort zone and be a utility player so we as a group can reach our Common Goal.

Dog days of discontent

I actually don’t understand what’s happening here. How or why could this happen? Same joke three times in a week??

America is in the mid-summer of its discontent. Smack dab in the middle of it. Plenty of discontent to go before it’s even jacket season, to be honest.

The True Inspirational Story of How One Woman Took a Small Town Newsletter and Turned It Into A Fatal Warning Against All Those Who Would Seek to Know the Mind of God

Tiny Tim did NOT die, but that’s because autoerotic asphyxiation can be done safely and carefully with the proper precautions.

Elon might be a trillionaire while thousands of families starve, but did you also know he suffers from ARFID and can only eat ethically sourced ortolan bunting OR A5 wagyu that has never been touched by human hands? Maybe don’t be so quick to judge, hmm?

Olivia Nuzzi and Ryan Lizza are both such awful writers that I cannot even enjoy this modern literary scandal, a fucking shame! Halfwits throwing shots at each other across the Algonquin kids table, I’m sick of it!

I go so hard against Nuzzi because she had so many cards to play! Her white women foremothers laid out many paths to success for this woman. But to say she squandered it doesn’t feel like enough. She FUMBLED it. Coulda been Voltron, but going out like Frankenstein. Played the wrong cards, badly.

Wow, Erika Kirk is quite a severe woman, isn’t she? Real schoolmarm phenotype, that one.

The cops have never in their fuckin lives had so much trouble arresting a Brown shooter.

All you’ve got to do to get a candid quote out of anyone in Trump-world is to sidle up to them like you’re at a party where someone’s being socially bizarre and mumble “get a load of this guy.” They’re so grateful to be talking to a normy that they’re like, “Oh my god, YES girl, the CRIMES!”

Dershowitz gets real weird in a different way during the wintertime. ❄️

You never have to engage with anybody who can be described as “the Strega Nona of bad takes.”

Oh, like you’ve never commanded everyone’s attention then suddenly realized that you had nothing to say before? Extemporaneous nonsense and a quick retreat. The ole vamp & flee. A classic ‘cause it works.

our father, who art in heaven, you little slut, you bastard piece of shit

They’re browning me in butter on all side tomorrow at work

Oh, like you’ve never commanded everyone’s attention then suddenly realized that you had nothing to say before? Extemporaneous nonsense and a quick retreat. The ole vamp & flee. A classic ‘cause it works.

Jail Christ for Christmas.

Lord, I see what you've done for others. It’s real sick shit, frankly. You belong in jail.

You never have to engage with anybody who can be described as “the Strega Nona of bad takes.”

Obfuscate. Mislead. Don’t hide your signal, hide the signal in the noise. Disrupt their algorithms and feed false information to the borg. Your genetic data is a liability you can’t afford, trust me. Priest: Ok. Thanks for that. Janet says the kids blame your drinking for the divorce, is that true?

At its core, Seinfeld (1989) was about four only children finding love and laughter amongst their chosen family in New York City.