you’ve been raptured?

i don’t wanna crash the comedy fest bc we all need a little levity in our lives but i can’t help but think “the rapture is tuesday!” = lol look at these lunatics “the rapture will happen at some point, we just don’t know when” = ok not as funny bc millions of people walk around believing this shit

do butt plugs get left behind

maybe everyone should wear helmets tomorrow in case it starts raining butt plugs

you’ve been raptured?

they should do something

If you had One chance

idk if you know this but i'm really dumb

in personal news, pleased to announce that i've decided to incorporate the cackle into my laugh repertoire still in the early stages of development, updates to follow

me looking around at my nasty life

my pcp re-upped my prescription but instead of 90 days per refill it’s now 30 days and my life is ruined

imagine if these idiots actually went to heaven and it was the complete stick-up-your-butt conservative utopia they dream of but with nobody to oppress except each other they would be so fuckin miserable

i’m not saying i botched the coffee-to-milk ratio in this mug but if it was a mass shooter law enforcement would somehow take it alive

it’s sad how easily this could happen if he wanted it

i remember 10-15 years ago there was a car in my local area with a window decal declaring that jesus was coming back on some certain date, and the date came and went, and i always wonder what happened to the person after i mean i haven't seen them since so maybe they were right

the left has some real sickos

im the lord and i'm here to day im here to take believers really far away - the RAPture

[loudly chewing] there’s a dang cheeto in the bite house

there is not a fucking stadium full of people for this guy tell me that isn’t real

totally forgot about friends why did nobody remind me about friends

[a sleepy sun gently rises beyond a faint curtain of fog, birds chirp and sing and flutter amidst the trees and bushes, still waters ripple beneath the caress of a soft breeze] morning people: WOW THIS IS BEAUTIFUL DO YOU WANT COFFEE I WANT COFFEE GUESS WHAT I DREAMED ABOUT LAST NIGHT HAHAHAHAHAHA

have i mentioned how innocent i am i have never done anything wrong in my life ever

have i mentioned how innocent i am i have never done anything wrong in my life ever

can you imagine if he gets up at the memorial service and starts talking about the ballroom again

RIP churlie cork may u live five ever in dis pictar

[a sleepy sun gently rises beyond a faint curtain of fog, birds chirp and sing and flutter amidst the trees and bushes, still waters ripple beneath the caress of a soft breeze] morning people: WOW THIS IS BEAUTIFUL DO YOU WANT COFFEE I WANT COFFEE GUESS WHAT I DREAMED ABOUT LAST NIGHT HAHAHAHAHAHA

good morning to everyone except morning people

🧵This is a serious use of force violation. The violent attack of this woman must be prosecuted by Chicago/Illinois for violation of state’s rights. I’m going to break this down. You see her blocking the ICE van. Agents violently push her to the ground. Then you see 1 guy target her & choke her.

now into his 60s, my dad remains baffled by the idea that other people have different tastes and preferences than he does

Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases

as soon as we hit sweater weather i’m packing a suitcase full of booze and bug spray and wandering out into the woods never to return

now would be a great time for the opposition party to reach out to all the normie TV watchers out there and inform them that they live in a dictatorship, but unfortunately the dems are too busy finding common ground with the dictatorship to do anything like that

it’s friday night and i just got out of the shower so i’m ready to PAR-TAYYY* *sit in my chair and watch a youtube video called “how to sharpen pencils”

i'm no fun to be around when i'm like this (awake)

don't apologize to me i never deserve it

i really don't like arguing/debating i much prefer it when people see things exactly the same way as i do so, can everyone just do that please

brb i'm gonna go sharpen some pencils for the rest of my life

WHAT ARE WE DOING

bluesky should specify who blocked who instead of making it a little mystery like you’ll come across a blocked post in the wild and it’s like did they block OP, did OP block them, did i block them, what happened here no one knows

the senate democrats should be pilloried literally every last one

there hasn't been nearly as much drain-circling as i imagined there'd be we are free-falling directly down the drain

Mark Zuckerberg looks like a thumb that steals underwear

now on to a truly pressing matter who's gonna control the riot playlist

rules for after the revolution

HANS LANDA: is he here now ME: [sweating] JOHN OLIVER: [thumping his hands on the walls] WELCOME WELCOME WELCOME

❌ there is no president of antifa ✅ i am the president of antifa