THREAD INSPECTOR EXAMINING THE THREAD I’M HANGING ON BY: get everyone out of the building

a million-woman march that’s just ex-wives and partners of abusive cops

[scene opens on a cottage in the english countryside. through a window we see well-dressed people around a table having a chat and some tea] [CUE INSANE SYNTH-FUNK SOUNDTRACK BECAUSE IT’S THE 80s]

if we get an active shooter i win a trip to disney land

but doctor, i am jimothy

proud to be part of the generation that took the “mid” out of mid-life crisis

well my back no longer seems to be locked up or pinched or whatever the hell i await my next test with stolid indifference

i didn’t believe in astrology until right now

forget coming-of-age movies, how about some coming-off-age movies i’m done with this age, let me try the 36 again

just testing the waters on this, how much would you be willing to pay for a pint of alcohol that my balls have soaked in feel free to DM if you're shy

not a lot of people know about monet’s wildfire period

Found this on TikTok! Can’t stop playing it! Creator is phenomenal! #Blues

when i was 9 or 10 i had a sleepover at a friend’s house and he put on sliver, the sharon stone/william baldwin “classic” oh my

the happening

we did it reddit

there's this spot on my lower back where i think i might benefit from getting hit with a hammer like one good whack and i bet i could walk normally again

i understand that it can sometimes be counterproductive to portray nazis as clowns when they are killers and should be treated as killers, but i have to say hogan's heroes does scratch an itch i feel like a grandfather but i can watch that show all day

this guy lives in the blair witch projects

my man looks like a custom-made sex doll for olivia nuzzi that got smushed in transit

[me, an empath] oh no

i got the cyclospora variant where instead of explosive diarrhea you fire marbles out of your ass like a machine gun the hall bathroom is a complete teardown

transcript of the meeting: "exaaaaaactly"

if i had an ex-wife they would totally lie about me they'd be like "he loved hot weather" stop it jennifer you know i hate when you do that

words to by

how can you not be romantic about baseball

the air is hot and unhealthy, much like myself

the air quality here is merely “unhealthy” which means i can’t even complain about it. fingers crossed for “very unhealthy”

you ever eat something out of a box for a while and then realize there are ants in it

Bob Lunch

day 15182: still no sign of a big bag of money falling from the sky. it will happen any day now, i'm sure of it

it's getting hot in here (so hot) there's smoke up in my nose (i am) (getting so hot) (i'm gonna sweat and big cough)

back hurts i don't know why it doesn't even matter how hard you try

feels like this is the sort of thing that would actually land with pro athletes. all that human rights mumbo jumbo? yawn, their eyes glaze over. but make them believe he's bad luck? now you have their attention

after delighting in the source of chloe’s misery, delight yourself even further by cheering her up and buying her art

consoling my english friends by giving them a big hug and whispering “alu-mini-um”

❌ netflix and chill ✅ cuppa tea and choke

england parked the bus in a tow zone

harry kane looks like if ryan gosling had a younger brother who worked in accounting

they should invent a kind of visiting family that isn't exhausting

i need someone to walk on my back

topics of the first three posts on my profile: - short but heartfelt anecdote about my grandfather and the power of audio/video recordings - spitting in people's mouths - farts

in a world where ppl can record everything it's easy to take that power for granted when i was a baby my granddad went home to ireland to visit family and recorded audio of people talking, singing, laughing. because he did that, i have a clip of my ggrandmother, who i never met, saying hello to me

some of you will probably unfollow for this but i'm really not into spit

i ate lettuce yesterday and let me tell ya i am gassy

at least it’s thursday

i know everyone has been waiting for my take on this and after much deliberation i am now ready to give my take okay here we go my take is that it is bad

tentative last meal: - potato donut - loaded baked potato soup (w/ potato rolls) - potatoes au gratin - spicy aloo gobi - potato wedge cheese fries - mashed potatoes - potato gnocchi - peanut butter potato candy (never had this but sounds right up my alley) - shot of poteen between every course

“we mourn the passing of captain davis, but obviously our international flights must continue. we’ve appointed his brother tony to fill the chair until we can conduct a thorough search for his replacement” “is tony a pilot?” “no”