I'm introducing myself to bugs

This is my final request: please let me have one billion more requests.

[Today's Headlines:] New legislation legalizes pedophilia for elected officials over 70. Kid Rock formally announced Viceroy of planned U.S. Moon Colony. Controversial migrant detention center in active volcano opens. IOS Update requires users smile and say "Thank you, Apple" to unlock phones.

The separation of church and state was a lie told by the devil to trick us into believing we could not pass off our mortal whims as the will of God

What they don't tell you about being a sailor is how hard it is to divorce the sea (the papers get wet and it's almost impossible to sign them while your ship is battered by the waves and good luck getting her signature).

Gf: why are you taking so long in there? you better not be talking to those weird internet people again Me: just a moment (typing in toilet chat) triple flusher today feeling godlike

There are violent thoughts coming from outside my head.

[Youtube Recommendation] Jimmy Carr Stunned By Audience of Hecklers! Can Hardly Get a Word In!

Political Instability always provides a spark off the bench and is firmly in the running for Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse of the Year.

(a stag grazes in the forest, I emerge from a bush, pointing at his antlers) Hey, man. Where did you get those? (the stag runs away, I pursue him) What size are you? How many colors do they come in? Can I try on yours?

If they bring back the draft and I get selected, I'm just going to say I'm an Iranian double agent. I doubt they'll go through the trouble of training, equipping, and deploying a guy they know is a double agent. (To clarify, I'm not really a double agent, but don't tell the government that. 😉)

I've been sitting on the couch all day, eating chips and fearing the Other.

(mad with power) I'm so mad right now. No one can stop me from destroying everything. (drunk with power) I'm so drunk right now. No one can stop me from destroying everything.

Children are our future and personally I don't want my future to last very long.

Starting a war to create an energy crisis to remove environmental protections for endangered species to increase offshore drilling to kill whales because I hate whales more than anything else on Earth.

(nodding solemnly) It is what tits is.

Lighting myself on fire in front of Bluesky headquarters to protest the lack of features and somewhat obtuse menu design.

I'm a self-taught philosopher and self-published author and all my books have titles like "The Mundanity of Torture," "Backyard Suffering," and "Modern Day Misery: How to Make a Living in a Living Hell."

big news for ants: something small just happened

If your enemy is making a mistake, you lose any moral high ground you may have had by not interrupting them.

For you, opening a book may be a gift you give yourself after a long day's work. For me, opening a book IS the long day's work, because I am so small and weak and what you manage with your hands and fingers I must do with an intricate system of ropes, pulleys, levers and counterweights.

Online, I can be everything that was denied to me in the world of flesh and stone.

This oracle has four eyes to a socket, chants for days in an unknown tongue, receiving warnings from gods we cannot name, and still needs to work three jobs to make ends meet.

Ireland is known as the Emerald Isle, not for its emeralds but for its grass, for some ass backwards reason.

Studies have shown the pain experienced during childbirth is only a fraction of a percent of the pain experienced at the pump.

They've started renaming pomegranates "Freedom Apples."

What about a middle-aged man who used his penis as a firearm with kidney stones as ammunition? Perhaps this is too graphic a concept for mass appeal... Forget I said anything. Let's do another Spider-man instead.

The oldest word: "Woah!"

My youngest girl, Nor'easta, keeps picking the almonds out of the trail mix and burying them under our carpet.

Devo was how normal people acted during the first Jimmy Carter administration.

I can't hang out after work today, I have to go home and slurp my broth.

The caterpillar retreats into its chrysalis and later emerges as a caterpillar with a whole new positive outlook on life.

Time is a hollow sphere with a long lost civilization thriving inside.

Growth mindset: God might unforsake me in the future.

(losing sight of what really matters) Family and friends are wack, y'all.

It hasn't been a great year for overwhelming favorites so far.

"You okay?" (brushing off top hat) My bank's rupt. "Sorry to hear that." (checking pocketwatch) S'okay. Guess I issued too many loans. "Any way I can help?" (eyes lighting up) D'ya have a few thousand friends who wanna place their hard-earned savings under my auspices? "No, sorry." (sighing) S'okay.

the moon is cool but going there is dumb as shit. like reaching out and touching a beautiful stranger's face with your grubby hands

The White House released a statement mourning the men and women lost during Operation Bad*ass Motherf*ckers [sic], who braved missile and machine gun fire in an attempt to raise a banner across the Strait of Hormuz which read "Close this if you are gay".

I swear to God, bro, I'm never going to vastly underestimate my opponent ever again.

The last photon dissipates into the limitless dark and thus ends the eighth day.

How can you not love animals? They are too innocent to realize they would both be better off trying to destroy each other.

I've been fucked over by random chance too many times to think it is intentional because a highly organized conspiracy would surely have gotten bored with it by now.

The 'G', 'O', 'T', 'O', 'H', 'E', 'L' and 'L' keys on my keyboard have been worn bare from overuse.

There is beauty in everything, even in the eye of the disgusting beholder.

If I ever see my elected representative, I'm going to sneak up behind them and put my fingers in their ears and I won't take them out until they learn a valuable lesson about listening to people, especially constituents like me.

Miss Carpenter's breezy country-twinged pop smash hit has unfortunately only revived previously suppressed fears that half my brain is indeed not there.

The first and most important step towards getting better is arbitrarily deciding that you are better than what you are now despite having no evidence to support this belief.

Trapped in a prison of frequencies.

There's more to war than loud noises and looking at maps: some people never come back.