I come from an alternate reality where almost is good enough.

Yes, this place sucks but for that I blame the terrible decisions that were made and not the people in charge who made them because I'm worried if I blame the people they'll ban me and so I'll blame the decisions themselves as causeless abstractions emanating ex nihilo without explanation.

(bear charging out of the forest, standing on its hind legs, and placing a massive paw on my shoulder) Hey, I hate to be the bear of bad news...

You are living in the past. I'm living in a pocket dimension from which I observe but do not interact with the present. Ultimately, we are the same.

jokes on you i love eating crow!!!

[Gesturing vaguely around at everything] Yeuuuch

Accidentally typing "yourube.com" and crying because it's true, that's exactly what I am.

I deserve so much more than what I give myself in the same way that humans deserve so much more than what they give themselves and the world deserves so much more than what it gives itself but the universe deserves less than what it gave itself because there's too damn much of it, I mean really.

You're saying you don't want to strangle me to death? Then why do you have arms? For what purpose could you have arms other than wringing my neck until my eyes pop out of their sockets? And don't say you don't have a reason to strangle me because that's exactly what I'd do to me if I were you.

Tapping into the impenetrable primordial generative creation mystery cosmic force to text my mom.

I could use another horrifying secret.

I'm unstoppable as long as I never begin.

The other guards make fun of me because I'm bad at distinguishing friend from foe. They've started calling me "Who-goes-there-Johnny."

if i was governor, i would change the state animal to the human being

Womb temperature water.

This post is pretty funny, but it would be even funner if someone else said it, maybe a fictional character known for making outlandish statements. Yes, I'd probably laugh much harder if this post was in a speech bubble emanating from one of those characters. I'm chuckling just thinking about it.

Standing alone on the deck of a mighty vessel, fully rigged and sails blown full, my crew either deserted me or never existed, I steer with verbal commands and hand gestures, making for Indonesia or some other unpopulated archipelago, treasure glittering in my mind, the sun burning out my eyes.

If you've left behind a complicated legacy, I've got a bone to pick with you.

(hailing the bartender) I'll have a shot of- whatever. Anything you want. It doesn't matter. I'm probably just going to spill it or taste it wrong or some shit like that because I can't do anything right. I don't even know why I came here. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. Put it on my tab.

Do my senses deceive me? Yes and I fully support their decision in this matter.

Top 3 solutions to any problem: - Nullify/ignore - Consult the oracle - Embark immediately upon a doomed polar expedition

soil is a cosmos and I’m training to be a cosmonaut

Great grandfather built mazes. Grandfather built mazes. Father was in venture capital but he built mazes on the weekends. By the time I was born there were no mazes left to build. Everyone was already lost.

get his ass. feel at complete ease around his ass. form an unshakeable connection with his ass. understand his ass in a way you never thought possible

Worms stay loyal to the soil

"Let's not wipe any more places off the map" - the humanitarian cartographer

Nateure Is Gay

[You are encumbered and cannot run] [You drop: Greatsword of Frost] [You are encumbered] [Warning! Dropping Prince Tim will abandon his questline!] [You drop: Prince Tim] [Quest failed! "Tiny Kingdom in Need"] [You are encumbered] [You drop: (1) of (14) Cheese Wheels] [You are no longer encumbered]

As you leave the city and travel into the countryside, street gangs give way to dirt trail gangs, repping for the likes of "Squirrel Jump Bluff" and "Wesley Hollow Pass," wearing their colors (different camo patterns), holding hunting rifles sideways, and loitering in shallow creeks.

Subterranean imbeciles.

I'm not in a position to criticize AI because most of my current value is also based on outlandish hypotheticals.

(My knightly father clasps my pauldron with his gauntlet): Son, you can't be a squire forever. I want you to start thinking about joining the fray.

Third month held in tower. Suffering a dreadful chill. Mice have stolen my blanket. Jailor provides handful of crumbs for my sustenance. Said king's justice will be done soon. No other man's justice will do. If only I had not sneezed so loudly. Would that I could trade my nose for my head.

Give me liberty or disregard.

"Fellas, I've got an idea: what if we pass the cost onto the consumer?" Cheers and high-fives erupt across the conference room table.

90 minute PBS Nature documentary: 'The Majesty of Onions.'

I'm swelling with restraint.

Listen: if you're gonna run with this crew, you gotta emblazon the Dark Lord's sigil on all your gear. I'm talking armor, shield, hats, shoes, everything. You need to rep the Dark Lord at all times or else you'll incur his wrath and then you're out of the crew.

not putting any skill points into foresight. im honestly not sure why i would ever need that

@johnnyappleskeet: Cosmic Crisp, pretty good apple @rottentothacore: you fuckin sellout @farfromdatree: holy shit Johnny delete this @doctoraway: pair well with the boots you're licking?

(pointing my quivering antennae your way) Sorry, could you think that thought again? I wasn't paying attention

Explaining to a therapist that becoming isolated and disconnected from everyone I’ve ever known is the most satisfying thing I’ve ever experienced

(falling out of a tree) (hitting the ground with a dull thud) (lying there for a bit) (standing with a heavy sigh) (climbing a different tree) (the forest floor is pockmarked with craters from previous failures)

Public service announcement: Speak with one voice or shut the fuck up.

The first person to have an idea had a bolt of lightning strike the space above their head.

lying awake for secret reasons

Evolving a survival mechanism to start releasing blood from my ears whenever my boss asks if I can come in on a weekend.

Cooking Tips for Beginners: Heat can be a powerful ally. More mouths = More ingredients. Remember where you licked. Seasoning is the spice of food. Every meal could be your last.

Why do they call me "El Diablo"? Well, it's because they speak Spanish.

*flashes badge* What is this? *flashes badge* Is it yours? *flashes badge* Why is my picture here?