I can't fall asleep because I still have so much that I should have done years ago.

Dear Diary, Today I met a man covered with skin.

(interrupting you) I'm sorry, but I have no idea who you are, or what you are saying, or what you want, or why you are here, or why I am here, or how we met, or how we know each other, or where you come from, or- (you try to speak) Excuse me, I'm not finished- Or where I come from, or who I am, or-

A sect of cultists unionizing to demand better benefits from their deity.

Did you think Jesus ever slipped up and accidentally called Joseph "God"?

My brain hurts from so many events happening in my lifetime.

If an INNOCENT PERSON had been SENTENCED TO DEATH and sat in the ELECTRIC CHAIR and you had IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE that would clear them of ALL CHARGES, would you FREE THE PRISONER? Or FLIP THE SWITCH? Let me know your answer and follow for more deep thought scenarios.

I wish I had read Faust before making that Faustian bargain.

I'm going to in your humanity.

Fellow parents, how do I get my scientifically inquisitive child to go to sleep/take a nap? The standard fiction of sleep being like time travel has not inspired wonder and she keeps insisting she must return to her studies.

why dont they just make the whole book out of the cover

I will be the Moon to your Sun (dwarfed in size and brightness, still firmly in orbit around Mother).

Fear makes strange bedwetters of us all.

(my buddy's being taken over by a cursed amulet) Resist its call, you fat sack of shit.

One man's lolsorandom is another man's surrealism.

No disrespect, but Sydney Sweeney isn't exactly reinventing the wheel when it comes to being a woman.

Not all who are lost wander.

Check out my unexpected words

My landlord kept trying to convince me the smell of molten sewage was coming from inside my nose.

Posting is not difficult, but it is taxing, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, socially, and in other ways I do not care to mention at this time. Above all, it is incredibly painful and you should not begin to post if you have not already started.

Are you excited for the next show from the creator of Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul? Or am I going batshit insane?

"Nothing ever turns out the way I think it should!" and I start throwing stuff at my kids.

Optometrist: Do you see the monster? Me: It's hard to make out. Optometrist: (changes lenses) How about now? Me: Still blurry. Optometrist: What drips from its fangs? Me: Drool? Optometrist: (changes lenses) Me: Oh, venom. Deadly venom.

Sorry to cut this reunion short so soon, but I have to go charge my phone.

(negative language) I am a horrible failure and no one likes me. (positive language) Everything will improve after I get my hands on you.

The enemy champion strides forth: "Who dares challenge me?" The army murmurs amongst itself: "Who is our champion?" Suddenly, a realization: "Together, we are champions." The army advances as one and the enemy champion is subdued. The enemy's backup champion strides forth: "Hey, no fair."

I have an insatiable lust for the same thing over and over again.

Detective 1: We found the victim's bones buried in the backyard. Detective 2: You don't think...? Detective 1: I do... Our killer is a dog. A very bad dog...

Regularly injecting myself with capybara blood to chill out a little.

Loving life should not hurt this much.

Inventing a new type of human that will never betray me.

High school was a blur; I was spinning around going "WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!" the whole time.

Hey, you cant worship that!!

😏 🪺 😋 🪹 🦅 🏃

"It's a dog-eat-dog world." You should aspire to be more than a canine cannibal.

My nutritionist put me on a raw grain diet and cast me out to graze with the beasts of the field.

When one door closes, another door opens, according to the Law of Conservation of Opportunity.

I sent an email to Bluesky inquiring when group chats will be available and they replied, asking me "What's that?" After I explained, they said "That's a great idea" and "You're a smart guy" and they offered me to "join our merry band of misfits" as a "front-and-backend developer."

"Not a significant source of Vitamin D" What? Why am I drinking this? "Same Great Flavor!" Ah... Now I remember. "Can you solve the maze? ⤵️" A test of wits, eh? I believe you will find me the equal of Theseus.

We're doing this from now on

Alcoholism is a type of subculture like steampunk or professional managerial class

Labored Breathing Day? 🤞

(toiling in field) What a miserable wretch I am... (the lord of the manor rides up) Your wretchedness sparks pity in me. What is your heart's desire? I shall grant it. (thinking) Well, there is one thing... [LATER] (toiling in field with bejeweled pitchfork) Surely I am the envy of kings.

The enemy is thoughtlessness and its greatest weapon is expedience.

Muttering "I cannot let that future come to pass" to myself while performing chores around the house.

"Thoughts? Your Thoughts? Your Thoughts on this? What are Your Thoughts on this?" I think you should get some.

Devil Ethics.

After the gymnast performed a flip, I said "Jolly good show," got up and started to make my way towards the exit. Seeing everyone else remain in their seats, I returned to mine just in time for the next flip. As the show went on, my amazement turned to horror and my disbelief curdled into fear.

(Temple priest) Sate the Cobra's thirst and the path to the lost city of Bol will be revealed. *slicing palm with knife* I must do this... My father's dream... Blood drips into the open mouth of the statue and the serpent's jade eyes flash. On a wall, glowing red symbols appear: [PAGE NOT FOUND]

(taking off airs) We actually have so much in common.