were making it out of the quiet posters feed

love tlc no scrubs but im pretty sure theyre talking about me

"his wit is borrowed from sharper minds, and duller for it" —quip i heard that i plan to slightly misquote later

mots bon as hell

forgot to turn my swag off and ran up a $600 utility bill

two truths and a lie: i wrote the most downvoted genius annotation in history, i wrote the second most downvoted genius annotation in history, i will kowtow to the tyrannical userbase of genius dot com

draft check

Don't Call it a Waste of Time: What meaningless bullshit teaches us about the nature of some other bullshit

scoundrels get a bad rap

just caught a whiff of BO so powerful it unlocked memories from a past life. i remember you man. 12th century bazaar, you were fucking me over on a pound of grain

first rule of improv comedy is always carry a gun. they travel in packs

i would rather crawl across ten miles of broken glass than be accused of hyperbole

im prone to wild exaggeration. well, moderate exaggeration. okay ive exaggerated once or twice

whole squad frabjous

if two posts in a row dont get any likes thats a sign that god has selected you as the next Job

orange is a luxury color. red or yellow is plenty

thoughts are like weather. if they start to go bad youre fucked

ive decided to become all powerful

reply to this with a post if you want me to sing it over guitar. or dont if you want me to continue with my day normal-style

You can just destroy things

you dont get steely dan like i do big dog. why dont you sit this one out and leave it to the real dan heads

still working on the move fast part but im basically a god at breaking things

buying items one at a time at cvs because i like the receipts

ordering a sex on the beach at the salty spitoon

friend got mad i used an elaine gif in the group chat he said "elaine is NOTHING like you"

i dont tie my shoes i just start running and hope for the best

just walked a mile in my own shoes and now im even more judgmental and clothes minded

holdier horses

[Master] should you seek revenge, dig two graves [Me, his wise pupil, thinking] I hate karate so bad dude, what the fuck.

whole squad is deeply troubled by my actions

my ancestors didnt chase wild game to exhaustion for me to have to buy things at the store. not sure why they were doing all that actually

subsisting on love and light isnt working out so im thinking about throwing stimulants into the mix

ordering a flight of cigarettes at the gas station

the results are in. everyone loves my culture of fear

THE PASSIVE-AGRESSIVE BAKER: i never see you at the boulangerie... THE PHILOSOPHICAL GOURMAND: and yet, that does not prove i am never there

id be way more into fine art if it was bad for you somehow

cant tell if im lightheaded from this all this blood im losing or from the divine message i happen to be receiving at the same time

ME: (BLEEDING OUT FROM BEAR ATTACK) GUY WHO CALLS OUR BIVOUAC "THE BIV": hey man there's like a big dog or something over at the biv

i call them "sane asylums." on a count of how normal my insanity make's them look. i also call them "the clown posse" but thats unrelated

ELLEN: so youre from the computer, right? ME: thats right. i heard about your through Online

i like to think that in 2015 i could have gotten on ellen for any one of my posts

alchemist roommate is constantly telling me to stop messing with his ampoules. i dont even know what that is

this is now a life's style account, if any large Brands would like to sponsor me

gone off mysterious teas

just as i expected. my off-putting comments are winning me universal popularity and admiration

cleaning out my camera roll and found a goated mom text. (from the solar eclipse in 2024)

When I get a scorpion in my apartment it makes me happy because it reminds me of The Scorpion King.

superhero thats really small and when he hulks out he turns normal size

ME: this is my son, tv dinner SON, BEAMING: you can call me "tv"

rolling up my sleeves and grimly taking the path of the bon vivant