washing my hands before the shower to save time

i saw santa live in dallas and he karate kicked one of the reindeer off the stage

im eating breakfasts you wouldnt even eat for lunch

bog bodies are pathetic. getting trapped in a bog is the easiest thing in the world

RIVAL TURNED ALLY: i see you've lowered your guard. i don't take your trust lightly. ME: (always this defenseless) few have earned it.

every squad has the oblivious homie. except mine i guess

losing an arm five minutes into my first shift

let something me dismay again

sitting on the front ponch

im banking on being too small to fail

tearfully asking the dollar tree cashier if i can buy the ocean fresh handsoap for soft and gentle hands even though my hands are rough and weathered

weaving sigournily

bidet makes me feel like star treck

Being a liar is more important to me than profiting from my lies

i dont snore. every single person in my entire life has lied to me about this

wandering in the desert for 40 years on my lunch break

Me: I'm going to fucking kill the grinch. Gf: Calm down, wait for the end of the movie. Me: I've seen enough. Hey Alexa, where is Whoville? Alexa: Bugonia is available for rent on Amazon Prime Video. Me: Alexa, order me a plane ticket to the Amazon rainforest. One way.

ill try the bear trap first to make sure its safe

there are no stupid questions, just stupid prizes. i dont know. i havent paid attention to a single thing in my life ever

a strong gust wind just blew me away. oh who am i kidding. the gust was feeble

your most hated loser's most hated loser

im assuming that by "grandsons" you mistyped "grandsona" and im also assuming thats a sex thing

ohhh i get it. i need to have done everything in my life completely different

they feed us poison so we buy they cure luckily i love poison it taste good to me

like toupees in a pod

grinched to the fucking gills man. i think. i dont really know what that means

my dog removed one of his ribs so he could catch his own tail

doctor said im at serious risk of developing feminine emotions. okay hes not technically a doctor

its my contention that this five dollar gift is spiritually worth twenty dollars

its hard to brag about growing more powerful because you have to admit you were weaker before

PROSECUTOR: you consider this a six-bite apple? ME: i take large bites sir JUDGE: this is a reminder that you're under oath

dont shit where you eat. i was planning to shit there later

Doing a ninja flip of incredible power

whats popping mamacita. sorry. im being too forward. how are you mamacita

they should add a laser beam to the kitchen sink so you can vaporize people

money moves (downward, into the toilet, etc)

my name is young stellar object

when i was a kid all i wanted was to be bald and six feet tall. now all i want is 500 thousand million dollars

(Chef having sex) behind. Right here. Inside.

actually by ignoring me and forgetting about our tedious argument youve fallen right in to my trap...

using the pomodoro method to spend time with my kids

do you actually miss college or do you just miss not being pursued by my hounds

dont suffer in silence. i love to hear my enemies suffer

Memorizing all the eye spy answers and pointing them out immediately during one on one time with my esl 2nd grader. After 7 pages of straight Ls he started crying, begging me to let him have a turn but I told him it's an effort thing

dont tell me to live mas. im living more mas than you could possibly want or need

if you havent loaned me $500 by the time youre 25 then you have no heart. if you havent realized youre never getting that back by the time youre 35 then you have no brain

theyre gonna try to upsell you on the insult. you dont need all that. injurys plenty

the herald angels are a distraction. keep harking king herod

my grass is so green it scares me

got caught smuggling leaf litter into the movie