fell down the wrong trapdoor into the womens snake pit and the snakes all laughed at me

stuffed crussed pizz of

lim and lime soda

favorite author is whoever wrote "best of times worst of times". charles penis

renouncing my us citizenship to get out of a parking fine

im pretty sure five hundred butterflies just flapped their wings somewhere.

pie aroma based transit

bsky dot com. Lets Post Beautifully

a perfect gleaming apple with a bean of light shining on it.

im sorry my last two posts have been so nasty. i pledge to do ten thousand beautiful posts to atone

going to use the urinal, anyone need anything

perplexing urinal sounds to raise your eyebrows to (10h NO ADS)

I consider deadly fungi a friend

dont even talk to me until ive had my highly toxic elixir of immortality

im about to fight with my dog over which one of us is allowed to chase strangers

at this point i just assume rain is someone pissing on me. been burned too many times

eleven and the chipmonks

call me an idiot all you want. i tuned out once you started using three syllable words

ive never gotten to the weird part in dont fear the reaper. i always get scared and have to skip

theyre deprecating me soon

100,000 Posts You Must Read Before You Die

he left behind a personal library containing 500 books by men and one book titled "500 great books by women"

suspected cause of death: you guys werent constantly showering him with riches and admiration

at this point it feels like you're intentionally ignoring the difference between viviparity and ovoviviparity

grunch music

look man my time is valuable. if i took every staircase one step at a time id be 100 years old already. frankly your grandmother should have been more situationally aware

im pretty much damned if i do damned if i dont. doing nothing would have disastrous consequences. but doing something seems like a lot of work

im focusing on simple pleasures to cope with everything thats going on. i was going to focus on those anyway but now i also have a reason to give people

snoopy smoked my ass under the table. thats a lie. he wont even reply to my alarmingly frequent emails

apart from unemployment, family problems, scheming eunuchs, girlfriend, old crones warning, phone addiction, sexual dysfunction etc my lifes going pretty smooth

its hilarious how wrong you are. i WASNT crying at the steven universe song. i was crying well before i heard it

casinos don't have windows because ill get too excited and start ramming into the walls

doctor thinks its all the lizards im eating making me sick. get real. thats not even in the top ten worst things im eating

well ill be among he's uncle

fuck everyone. (REFLECTING, BECOMING WISE) fuck no one

hey man would love to talk but i gotta put on some youtube like right now or im gonna start chewing on things

i wish bananas would focus on the peel and cut out that sugary crap in the middle

once you see the arrow in the fedex logo youll never be welcome in my club, Guys Against the Creative Use of Negative Space

frequent, heavy rains have left your leaves narrow and waxy, my friend

go ahead, worry about tragedy of the commons. more commons for me

if i accidentally kicked off a plague i wouldnt say anything but id probably vaguepost on bluesky about it

im too smart to lift waits

its official. spring has sproing

big news for ants: something small just happened

draft purge

some of ypu

i used a vpn to eat chick fil a on sunday and now the woke mafia and imperial theocracy are fighting over who gets to put me in the stocks

dont care how many it takes to tango. not gonna count that high

brussels sprouts are lowkey goated. im sorry for putting it that way. corn is chopped. im sorry

i vacuum to scare the cat. cleaning is an unfortunate side effect