lets get down to the nitty-whatever. dont like the second word

i keep saying "im too high for this" to conceal my natural stupidity and it is not going over well with the judge

i wish they had a spit vacuum at the barbershop too

computer, increase my stupidity… increase… increase. INCREASE

bringing my own groceries into walmart

(walking up to an ape who is using a stick to scoop ants out of a rotting log and eat them) let me get a bite of those ants

five separate family members have begged me to take down my yurt

putting everything on this bc i think jesus actually has a 15% chance of returning

theyre not even telling me to get a job now, theyre just buying me lottery tickets

explaining stuff to my peasant buddy in terms of farming and basketball analogies

i independently discovered fire

id never fall victim to disinformation. i would negotiate with it as an equal

music is for children. i listen to my neighbors arguments through the wall

i cant shut up about napoleons russian campaing and its ruining my career as a guidance counselor

memento style tattoo of my shopping list

sorry im late boss. theyve been putting a sedative in my feed lately

dude is that a bustle. in my fucking hedgerow. dude fuck FUCK

trent reznors first draft was "i wanna hug you like an animal". i told him he needed to go harder

i learned it from you, your honor

i hate luigi he just slows you down. mario take me instead. mario please

if i was mario i would live in the pipes and mind my own business. idgaf about browser

im not scared of poisonous mushrooms. i could take them in a fight easily

i reckon i could probably hate both the player and the game

this is my son sour cream & onion and my dog candle in the wind

i wish oysters would just leave the sand alone

salute emoji changed my life

I'm mad with great responsibility. The great power is a harmless byproduct

doctor says i have the charisma of a man five inches taller than me

damned if i dont. i refuse to do anything so the other option doesnt pertain to me

Bite first and check if it’s the hand that feeds later

(LAUGHING AT THE WAVES CRASHING AGAINST ROCK) why are you hitting yourself? why are you hitting yourself?

the party told you to reject the evidence of your eyes and ears. it was their final, most essential command

not punching up or down, just flailing in no particular direction

i embraced feminism when i found out jone of arc was a girl

i put on my pants just like everyone else. with white hot directionless rage burning in the pit of my stomach

my name is dave christ. no relation

going bald to increase my albedo

its because youre always on that damn flute

i was sent down this long dark path by exposure to the comic violence of looney tunes as a child

the first time i heard melancholy hill - gorillaz i got so agitated they had to perp walk me out of the old navy

hiring managers need to stop taking it personally. if ANYONE asks for my biggest weakness i unsheathe my blade

i could never be part of something bigger than myself. im as big as it gets

INSECURE COMEDIAN: come on guys its really not that funny

hey man havent had a chance to check out that interesting smell you mentioned, just so busy. its cool if i piss on your tires, right?

What don’t they want us to know

idk if i can white guy buddhism my way out of this one

slow progress on jack of all trades but ive got master of none down pat

i will never rise to the occasion. the occasion can sink to me

benthic lifestyle

fixing my computer with advanced technology then breaking it again with very simple technology