At the end of season 9 (dexter new blood) my son almost killed me but then I lived because of snow.

Hi I'm smoke too tough, swag too different, bitch is too bad

Knuckle tat: C in the right hand, SECTION on the left hand.

Is Amal Clooney single

Don't think I forgot about The Greatest Post Of All Time. It's literally so close to being finished.

The ghost of soda. Remind me to do a ghost of soda tweet later I'll be good.

You couldnt make Blazing Saddles today. It would definitely take you more than one day.

If my walls could talk we'd be good friends. We'd be mutuals if they were on here.

My goal this year is to get into a tumultuous relationship with one of my mutuals that ruins my life and then disappear from the internet forever.

They should make a version of the movie Brick Mansions that stars Pickle Rick. Only thing I can't figure out is what I would call the movie.

If I was in the Office I would roast Dwight so hard. Goofy ass.

these are the spices that changed us in 2025

I wish the real world would start hassling my one buddy

If you start some song at a certain time by the time it's another time a specific part of the song will be playing

Society: A white boy could never twerk at the club! That's crazy talk! Me: I've never cared much for the rules of society...

My kid is debilitatingly scared of the breath of the night. They can't do anything at night because they're scared they'll get breathed on. I keep trying to explain to them that I don't know what that means but they won't listen.

Rewatching a classic tubi banger. Now watching these men for everybody.

tale as old as time. moid meets foid, he has skibidi rizz, she bounces on it ohio style. she gets preggers, its twins, gives birth to two chuddlers. she locks in, shes ready to give her kids ipad. but hes chopped, hes washed, he isnt ready to be unc. he leaves, and she never sees him again

Saw some sandhill cranes today. Magnificent bird. Top marks.

spongebob shrimp fried rice okay

You either die a crab man or live long enough to become a shimp

I ate shrimp fried rice last night and I couldn't stop laughing the whole time.

Every day I wake up and eat the flesh of the Fruit That Causes Harm. They always asked me why I ate of it, but I never knew why. After years of therapy and self-examination, I can finally say I eat of the harming fruit because it's so yummy to me it's delicious and it tastes soo good and yummy

Crab man lookin bunchy in the new t shirt fr #NewTshirtTuesday

Hey shawty, I'm really sorry about your family.

This forest nymph I just met is lowkey a bad bitch.

This is an example of why AI is bad

5 Signs That The Health Crisis You Are Having In Your Mind Is A Mental Health Crisis.

I just found out that it's possible to have 2 mental health crises. Don't text.

If you are really desperate to go viral on this website, you can just post any image and say "this is an example of why AI is bad". Doesn't matter what the image is.

Reading the "famous mental health crises" list on Wikipedia.

Video games will never have the artistic merit to attempt to portray a mental health crisis.

Having nostalgia should be treated as a mental health crisis.

When I'm being the real me. That's the real me

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Coworker: Welcome back to the office everyone, I hope you all had a wonderful holiday break, however it's time to look forward into 2026 now! Before we get into our meeting here, does anyone have any good New Year's Resolutions this year? Crab Man: I'm gonna try not to use any slurs the whole year.

music is wow

It's Crab Man's Tubi Christmas! Day 7, the final day, now watching:

Lowkey beginning to look a lot like Christmas

We will be consolidating all sports into a single sport soon.

getting posted to a performative male page for reading dr seuss on the bus

"Cheese, gromit!" -Cheese Gromit

You can use emojis in your bank account password and PIN.

Crab Man feels no pain or feelings of any kind

I asked Alec Baldwin if he would play corndad in my Bluesky movie and he said yes on the condition that he get to shoot the director and I said but Alec I am the director and he said oh I guess I assumed it would be a woman never mind

Masochists love when the person they vote for doesn't win the election

It's Crab Man's Tubi Christmas. Day 6, now watching:

Guys just because im a vindictive sociopath with a personality like an infectious disease is no reason not to like my tweets. You guys are literally into that

I am happy! Bookmark this post to retweet whenever you are feeling happy.