Crab Man
@crabman.bsky.social
📤 3876
📥 436
📝 14851
Known for my iconic bits
pinned post!
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about 1 year ago
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All adverbs RANKED
about 7 hours ago
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Nvm, now watching:
add a skeleton here at some point
about 7 hours ago
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Now watching
about 7 hours ago
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I've never watched it but I think I could be a professional wrestler. It seems very easy.
about 8 hours ago
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Completely theoretically, if I were to start a fantasy baseball league could I cajol any of my baseball-enjoying or non-baseball enjoying mutuals to join?
about 20 hours ago
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Germs near me Germs near me open late Can germs survive in plastic bag Plastic bag near me Where to find germ-sized plastic bag Cheapest germ-sized plastic bags near me Are germs a funny prank My bully address Address of my bully Where does my bully live Bully near me Bully near me closed early
about 20 hours ago
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My new novel "The Mendicant's McChicken" is coming out next week! Reviews that I've read are extremely mixed so definitely one to keep on your radar.
about 20 hours ago
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Please write in my name for any poll that you see online ever. I want to win them all.
1 day ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
normal
about 1 month ago
Children aren’t as tall as adolescents/adults, so they naturally need to look up to see things while the taller people just can look straight ahead of them
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I'm not going to tweet for several months. I'm gonna get in the lab and work on the Greatest Post Of All Time, targeting a release around November.
1 day ago
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I think Diddy is a weird freak
#TruthBomb
1 day ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
nadira rodin
1 day ago
chalk outline of your smile
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It's so interesting how different characters in TV shows will have completely different traits from each other.
1 day ago
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Lord forgive me, I'm back on my dried flake sachet shit
#DriedFlakeSachet
1 day ago
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Now watching:
1 day ago
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From letterboxd: "Jon Bernthal’s Puniser showed the world how truly peenmenal this character can be on screen"
1 day ago
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If you're not sure who the 'gigachad' in your friend group is, it's you.
1 day ago
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Go see Nirvanna The Band The Show The Movie in theaters now.
add a skeleton here at some point
1 day ago
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Seeing NTBTSTM in the yeah of the horse. We used to pray for times like these.
1 day ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
j
1 day ago
they did unspeakable things on a grape
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Celebrated travel agent Ron Voyage.
1 day ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
heck's maniac
almost 2 years ago
are therapists really always saying such and such is not real and can't hurt you. i don't think they are. joke premise debunked from my mind palace.
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(Teary eyed, staring down off camera) I know, I know I was an L father no cap...
2 days ago
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Now watching:
2 days ago
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The Simpsons are partnering with a devil to kill you.
2 days ago
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Marty Supreme is partnering with a serial murderer to kill you.
2 days ago
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Piggybacking off the concept of supermodels, they are inventing superlawyers that are just better than normal lawyers. Superdoctors. Supercustomer Service Representatives.
2 days ago
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Marty Supreme is partnering with H&R Block. They're doing table tennis-themed tax returns this year.
2 days ago
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You may have managed to defeat me, but you don't stand a chance against my 100 annoying children!
2 days ago
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There is nothing that makes me happier than finding a note I wrote for myself a year ago in a drawer that just says like "I'm going to hit you on the head with a big hammer"
3 days ago
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Now watching the next movie from this director
add a skeleton here at some point
3 days ago
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I think next week I'm gonna do a tier list of all of my posts.
3 days ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
Have you guys seen this, the "smart car"? They call it that, but it doesn't look that smart to me! It's tiny! They should have called it the dumb car! This guy knows what I'm talking about.
8 months ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
Stranger Things? They should have called that show Weird Things, there's so much odd stuff that happens in it.
4 months ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
They should have called it the anti-matrix boat because that was like their whole thing.
8 months ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
They should have called this statue the pisser because I'm taking a freaking piss on it.
8 months ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
They should have called the movie One Battle After A Smother because my wife tried to suffocate me to death with a pillow while we were watching it. And then we had a short battle afterwards.
about 2 months ago
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They should have called the movie Hamnet because I accidentally dropped my ham on the ground while watching it but fortunately I was able to use my net to pick it up off the theater floor without actually having to fully bend over and pick it up with my hands. Instead of whatever reason they chose.
3 days ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
normal
3 days ago
You hate to be dead as shit on Valentine's Day of all days
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Me: I feel like the whole "oh I feel so bad being single on Valentine's Day" things gets really overplayed. If you're comfortable with it any other day why wouldn't you be comfortable with it today? The Valentine's Day Killer: Uh huh. No, I think you're totally right.
3 days ago
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Stirring rendition of Rhapsody In Blue; Valentine's Day treat!
3 days ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
Apple Bottom Jings
3 days ago
Will Smith: (Speedwalking toward me on stage) Keep My Wife Name Out Yo Fuckin Mouth ! Me: (Huge smile because I recognize him from I, Robot): I Robot 😄
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reposted by
Crab Man
furby hancock
4 days ago
post from Daily Bird Facts: all female cardinals are lesbian. all male cardinals are bisexual. reply from Patriot bird facts - COUNTERNARRATIVE: What your doing is inexcusable
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reposted by
Crab Man
Josh 2.0
4 days ago
Plankten chum bu
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One of the craziest fucking things I've watched. Probably top 3 most unhinged Tubi movies.
add a skeleton here at some point
4 days ago
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No thank you, now watching:
add a skeleton here at some point
4 days ago
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Now watching. Mfw hell:
4 days ago
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reposted by
Crab Man
Cranny the Entertainer
5 days ago
The Comedy Central Roast of Green Men
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reposted by
Crab Man
Benny Feldman
5 days ago
King Kong is big, even for a gorilla
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If you're celebrating Friday the 13th you missed the point of the movie.
5 days ago
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