Something for you all to aspire to

I'm gonna have an appearance on a late show to promote Bruce Almighty (2003) next month! Wish me luck!

Sea urchins be like: my culture is not a costume Their culture:

The Mario movie is complete bullshit because there is absolutely no way that a guy in the modern day and age gets sucked into the world of Mario and doesn't recognize any of it. It's like the most famous game of all time.

I think the hardest part about being a parent would be when your kid starts dating because if they brought home a bf/gf that was a chopped hater I don't think I would know what to do in that situation.

memorial day sales would have the metaphorical victorian child swagged out for less

i’m also hello world tall

crab man i want to crush you into a little ball

DOCTOR: Inside of you are two wolves... HYPERINTELLIGENT WOLF THAT IS PREGNANT: Are you allowed to do galaxy gas while you're pregnant? (Unfortunately the mother wolf is very addicted to galaxy gas)

(In couples therapy) Me: Oh, you must be referring to my uncompromising vision.

You lot did this post dirty, this is probably the smartest thought I've ever had.

siri, set reminder: mori

New podcast episodes are waiting for you.

when shit is labeled its like damn... so thats what that is

what if instead of Crab Man he was Stab Man and he was always one step ahead of the best detective in the city

snakeroot be like “concerned about various shit” 3 reposts 49 likes

I want various things on my desk by certain times

If they made a Kidz Bop version of To Pimp A Butterfly it would probably heal the whole world immediately.

Guys I think I might be Brad Pitt.

Now watching

@crabman.bsky.social Tounas jump scare on the reddit feed today

Don't try things at home

A “cheese pull” is uncouth. Arguably sinful

I've worn socks for probably >95% of my life. I can't believe there are people that like being barefoot.

I think I'll know I've made it if someone makes a crab man iceberg. If I see a "crab man iceberg explained" video on youtube I think I can finally quit all this.

In an literally unprecedented move, I am returning to this movie because I received additionally information about it. Now watching time boys.

If you are following me on here and you are in the ku klux klan, listen up. You are on thin ice. That is not cool. I would like to see some personal growth on your part towards being less of a evil racist type or whatever they do.

If someone steals my posts I don't give a shit, but if someone steals a post from one of the accounts I like you are a bastard and I will treat you as such.

Buying a space ship using Klarna. I can finally afford to get a space ship.

little lamp im interested in purchasing your account bro

Licking my lips after every item I order to indicate to the cashier that I am making scrumptious selections.

superimposing my resume over a coloured photograph of me smiling

I know when that toad phone bling! That frog only call one thing...

They sent him to war to learn to superman a ho... sad sad stuff...

Okay they did a need more cowbell joke so now watching

okay now watching time boys instead

Come and See is basically Milo and Otis if it was made with people instead of pets.

Now watching soldier boy

I don't know how to explain it but radishes are an Earth vegetable and bananas are a sky vegetable.

virality in movies: oh my god, we got 1000 views... wait, why is the president calling me? 😳 virality irl: you see a joke you made a month ago reposted on reddit but your usernames been cropped out and a watermarks been added to it

‘Generator power’? Uh huh. I prefer to Empower Her Power, personally. But your thing seems nice

𝖸𝗈𝗎 𝗁𝖺𝗏𝖾 （𝟣）𝗆𝖾𝗌𝗌𝖺𝗀𝖾 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐰𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐭: 𝖸𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗈𝗅𝖽 𝖿𝗋𝗂𝖾𝗇𝖽 𝗃𝗎𝗌𝗍 𝖾𝗆𝖾𝗋𝗀𝖾𝖽 𝖿𝗋𝗈𝗆 𝗆𝖾！ 𝖢𝗅𝗂𝖼𝗄 𝗁𝖾𝗋𝖾 𝗍𝗈 𝗌𝖾𝖾 𝗐𝗁𝗈

Hey Larry David. Knock it off with all that awkward crap. Just be courteous to people, it will get you a lot farther in life.

Scientists are in the lab doing interesting things. -The Scientist's Creed

Doctors without bones.

Asking the AI assistant in the Chipotle app (ChipotlAi) if there's any way that I can maintain my current salary but instead of doing my job I play sound voltex all day.