this weeks episode of twilight zone deals with the horrors of capital punishment and the reality of the death penalty but make sure to tune in next week where we ask what if gremlins were real

[phone sound] jess ultra posted! "they should make the minions sexual" [audible sigh]

i keep hanging out in real life and saying guys guys stop talking give me five minutes to think of what to say next and there's like a 50% chance it will be funny and they just laugh and ignore me

hey somebody get this guy a therapist and a treatment plan over here, this is my character mobster watching some guy go into debt on the floor of one of their casinos but the mob is woke

i think grandma would have wanted me to play smoke on the water on the badass church pa system honestly

Me and my thoughts (NSFW)

oh no I've been bummed out too it always helps me to play guitar honestly, oh yeah no i know you don't play, have u seen me play smoke on the water

yo sorry that you need immediate medical attention it reminds me of how when i first started playing guitar it hurt my fingers have you seen me play smoke on the water btw

your loved one dying reminds me of the way a note on a guitar slowly dies out as the sustain fades hey have you seen me play smoke on the water check this out

they're making a new type of guitar that your friends don't get mad at you for when u constantly keep changing the topic to talk about them

here's a list of cool names you can use for your next horror antagonist: The Long Man The Lanky Man The Extended Man Greg the Butcher Jeff the Butcher Long Jeff Jeff.exe

here is a list of trans narratives i have inferred in go outside and a second copy of the list in case you throw the first one in the garbage

i love you more than ERROR LOVE DOES NOT COMPUTE, this is my new character robot trying to understand love I've been greenlit to post about them for the next 2k tweets and have the budget for a movie trilogy

getting kicked out of the viewing area in congress because i keep saying what is this the damn circus really loud over and over

nowadays the twilight zone would be called the normal daylight zone because of the clowns in congress

They should make fentanyl but for cars

meet jess, what started as a normal day for her, has been consumed in a farcical attempt to construct a time appropriate meal, in our world a breakfast sandwich isn't lunch, but it is, in the twilight zone

just bought an evil possessed doll for my kid i wasn't tricked or anything it was just a really good deal :/

Y'all know warren g harding packed a fat ass cock

they're replacing my phone with the cattle gun from no country for old men

they're replacing my phone with a big dowel rod to bite down on

they're taking my phone away and giving me a big hamster wheel today

the lonely intellectual titan seems to free their mind in the world of ideas

ok guys It's a slow day so I'm just gonna unload my notes app a 🧵 (1/349) pasta cheese bread garlic mushrooms onion extra firm tofu eggs corn starch spinach some instant shit some snack shit chickpeas cooking oil

formulating conceptions of a notion of a joke to say

My beautiful dark twisted low speed maneuvers

talking to my friends irl who follow me on here like they've memorized all 5k of my posts, referring to them by number, yeah if you remember my 4,832 post you'll know how i feel about all this

i hope these fascists that remorselessly murder all these people and then live long lives without consequences and die peacefully surrounded by their loved one learned their lesson.

crosswalks are mostly just a suggestion to cars that they shouldn't kill u

ate a bunch of candy and now my stomach is upset because the cia shot me with a beam for being a really important communist

teeth clenched, eyes locked straight ahead of me, drenched in sweat voice: idgaf

guy who enjoys ai generated comedy music

it's crazy that the only difference between being an evil murderer and a nice person is killing someone and being evil

oh no that wasn't me at the party being kinda awkward and weird and like in general being a little offputting that was my sister in a 3d mask made to look like me, yeah I let her do that, yeah I figure she can use my social capital as a graceful hot and funny person to make some friends

the wise businessman does not get in on the ground floor but the penthouse -jess

yeah sure why not I'll post that whatever yeah

yeah sure why not I'll post that whatever yeah

i started trying to combine the tip of a pencil with an eraser so you don't have to flip it around to erase stuff and after some early prototyping I understand why my mom kept saying "do you even know how a pencil works" and "dumbass"

telling people with glasses I'm so sorry, and then when they ask what I mean pointing to the glasses and saying "about your condition"

I am not autistic i just exhibit all the behavioral patterns usually associated with autistic people and carry a deep societally inflicted shame about it

My uncomfortable shirt and how to change it

guys hot grammar tip if you don't know whether to use "to" or "too" just say 2

that's life though bro sometimes you're anakin and sometimes your ben quadinaros, you know? ben quadinaros? the guy with the fucked up pod racer? he blows up? whatever bro, I'm beginning to doubt our compatibility not just as lovers but as friends

i could be rich if i wanted to + had a bunch of money

you guys yoda would post so fucked up

banned again from chuck e cheese for crowdkilling to happy birthday

fired again for sneaking into my boss's office and doing inspect element on a news site and changing all the headlines to stuff about how good of an employee I am

alienated all my friends and acquaintances with incomprehensible borderline hostile behavior voice no one understands me

busses are the trains of the road