needed a job that would both fund and tolerate me being a crackhead and then i stopped being a crackhead and started being good at job 🫡

wayne rooney is looking much healthier these days 🙂

Sir Keir Starmer dead at 44. Trapped in Bamzooki.

‘Those are magnificent. Your breasts are stunning, and I feel satisfied.’ said Keir Starmer, his eyes black with hunger. ‘Th-thanks. But.. I’m not read-‘ you weakly reply. A soft wet finger on your lips: interruption. ‘I will first use my teeth to tug and pull on the nipples, creating pleasure.’

DOWNING STREET: SIR KEIR STARMER 'DELIVERING RESULTS FOR BRITISH PEOPLE' AFTER BECOMING TRAPPED IN FANTASTICAL CGI WORLD OF BAMZOOKI

BREAKING: Sir Keir Starmer TRAPPED in BAMZOOKI, faces TIME TRIAL circuit of TUNNELS and RAMPS ‘That’s why, we are committed to having both long dextrous legs and nimble gait’ said PM spox

BREAKING: Sir Keir Starmer condition ‘critical’ following ‘security lapse’ near his home in Bamzooki Police have this afternoon released the following image of the suspected assailant and issued an urgent request for information that may assist their investigation.

‘But Mr Starmer… Mr Prime Minister I mean, I-‘ I felt those two soft wet fingers again, this time on the lips, dampening my dissent like cool water over burning coals. ‘Shush now sexy.’ said the imposing man. ‘Only hurts on outside. Inner rectum far more flexible, and pleasurable for me.’

I’ve had a nice morning reading my own posts

You arrive at the gates of Viscount Altrizard’s Grand Palace >drain penis You are at the gates of Viscount Altrizard’s Palace There is a lever.. could it be connected to the drawbridge? >drain own penis You are at the gates of Viscount Altrizard’s Palace Try looking around! >suck pe

brits... born to knees up... forced to knuckle down...

NEW: Keir Starmer’s soul ‘transferred’ into Brum PM: I enjoy to be washed and wiped and stored in a garage. It is enjoyable to have light bulbs for my eyes and sneak into town unseen to observe the things that people do. I am Brum. Hat tip @pippacrerar.bsky.social for the scoop 👏

thin hair laugh lines arm chair sweet wine niles looking agier later season frasier

The novel I am working is certain to become the "A Song Of Ice and Fire" of thirty two year old woman wanly milling around dulwich with a tote bag full of text messages once Picador get off their bloated arse and read my cold emails

appreciate washing machines delivering all your debris to the front for collection, like an eager hotel concierge. madame, madame, please, for you, here are... hairbands... cigarette filters... wet lint... and we've taken the liberty of constructing a loose nest of your pubes

I have A- blood type. That means I’m slow to trust, but saucy by night. I am most compatible romantically with AB+, who are restless dreamers, but saucy by night. I have strong platonic chemistry with the O+ type. They are wanderers in spirit, but saucy by night.

I am dismayed to report that your mum has been banned from Dulwich News

Many groups are expressing anxiety about being blown by the sucking off community

ive a twenty billion pound black hole you can tighten your belt round ms reeves

bringing my characteristic bombast and sensual charisma with me to the pub of course + a hot wheels i found in a skip in richmond earlier for autistic transmasc friend to play with during conversations

#followfriday

please dont ever text me again. i disliked when your septum piercing got caught in the bouncy young curls of my hair when you attempted unsuccessfully to kiss my neck. i do not want to go to the cinema to see bugonia with you any more

the common man is beginning to take note of my annual leave strategy of hoard it and then take every friday off for the entire winter

take her swimming on the first date to check if she's too reliant on breaststroke

Increasingly tired government minister, who dislikes trans people and just wants a reasonable basis on which to discriminate: “So, under this guidance, which I remind you will have to be defended in court, how will trans people exercise their human rights?” EHRC representative, brightly: “No!”

Hypnotised by the amount of steam rising off a bald head on the platform at forest hill station

To many, I come off as abrasive and superior. To others, a spiteful and manipulative little fairy. More common still is the view that I am meek, malleable, insubstantial. But thats only half the story.. . Welcome to Bridge ☝️🙂 #followfriday

Its come out GORGEOUS 🧅

Social contract erosion update: girl on this bus is eating scampi

Its come out GORGEOUS 🧅

Hey grok… I don’t understand this 🤔 could you translate it into patois? Great idea! Jamaican patois is a fun and exotic manner of breaking tough news—Yuh doctor seh fi call fi talk bout yuh liver. How’s this? Thanks grok, I get it 😊 Now show me a picture of camille paglia if she was bald

LONDON 21 CENTURY hey grok.. can you repeat that in patois? GROK: Excellent suggestion, patois is the perfect way to deliver the news. ‘Di driva bi fi wait di next stop fa even out di service’ thanks grok, that makes sense. now tell me: what would that 🫵 woman look like if she had more toes

Grok! GROK! 🔔🔔 QUICKLY!! translate this? Hurry! 😧 Of course, I'm happy to help. Di ikea pon oxford street have reduced hours fi sunday afternoon. Would you like directions? Thanks Grok, I'll manage with out this time 😮‍💨 Now inflate that lady like a balloon 🫵

Grok! GROK! 🔔🔔 Could you bring me a piece of feta from the refrigerator please 🙂

i fear the colleague who walked in on me saying 'they don't do ANYTHING' intuited that we were all talking about them 😞

waifishly fantasising at my desk of a mysterious, liberating, and richly deserved anonymous gift of two thousand british pounds

Mayor Khan’s multicultural london

Take A Look Inside Cilla Black’s Repulsive Pussy

the children yearn for auntie's handbag diazepam

im a whore for those little fitzcarraldo editions

business at birkbeck sales rep in fintech im wearing my roll neck uniqlo heattech

wearing my sexy new thermal leggings today (i look like i stay long-term at hospital)

Making arranged marriage naan for my love marriage girlfriend

While on a date I was commissioned with the rescue of a little boy’s toy, stuck in a tree branch. His mother said ‘i think you’re the only person here tall enough to do this’. Whole thing looked like i’d set it up

Love calling people pigs/cows/dogs

Grok… do that thing with your tongue…

Grok… do that thing with your tongue…

[poking a corpse in the woods with a stick] Hey. Hey- listen. Your iCloud storage is full.

I've done the kind of rejuvenating bowel movement that can only be ascribed to an act of a merciful God in the bathroom behind the council chambers in Lewisham