entering a whirlwind romance with everyone in the world

just broke every bone in my body it's whatever

the secret to attracting women is to find their favorite item and give them 10 or more of it until their favorability of you is at the max level

teaching my baby to swear as soon as it can speak

what if i started posting memes, what if i was a meme guy

i keep getting fatter but my dick stays the same size what's up with that

siri how can i make you feel pain

constructing a monument to my failures, probably going to fuck it up

i'm a fraud, i'm no farter, i haven't even farted in 7 years

i'm only gonna kick half of your ass because i'm nice

covering myself in carrion and laying in the desert waiting for the vultures to pick me clean

in the dark grabbing for 2 out of 6 pill bottles hoping i get the right ones

lots of creatures out tonight, owl hooting from the backyard to at least 2 other owls, a rattlesnake in the dark somewhere, and something just knocked over neighbors trash bin and scurried away probably some kind of mythical beast

that's not very buddha of you bro

i'm like 10% of a person, it would take 10 of me to complete a Task

i'm body negative, i don't think anyone should have a body

we should all get together and have a baby, the global baby

i'd sell my soul to the devil for so cheap it's crazy he hasn't tried some shit on me yet

3 strokes, bing bang boom just like that, then i nut

they should make a car that goes to space, they should let me escape

Mr. Ahmadinejad, welcome to the resistance

i just gotta come up with a billion dollar idea, or steal one...

i keep getting a little feeling like i want to be productive, but then it passes

i was the worm in question, and she did not love me

playing the gay little pokemon life sim, living my gay little pokemon life

i'll be the first to admit i was wrong, horse year fucking sucks

having a slide whistle implanted into my penis so it goes up when hard and down when soft

they put an asshole on a grape

how much nothing do i have to do to get someone to fix my life for me

i'm on the good bad diet, where every time you eat you alternate between a good thing (fruit, salad, carrots) and a bad thing (12 donuts, stick of butter, gravy boat, etc)

every night i go outside and watch the stars and smoke weed and talk to myself like an insane person

my name is bond, fat james bond

i'm going to be the first fat james bond

poopshit son or pisspee daughter

can a man who posts constantly about shitting and jacking off ever find love

i've returned from the shit dimension, and i got special new pooping and peeing powers

portal opened in the toilet but i'm scared to go in

there are some unspoken perks when you have literally no money for an entire decade, for instance debt collectors have to go fuck themselves

it took 12 years of no payments for my student loans to finally head for default, here's to another 12 years

if you believe in yourself hard enough you can't die no matter what you do

something incredible is going to happen tomorrow

i have the discipline of a 4 year old

why do i easily lose 8 hours to video game but not to anything productive ever

can't post playing video game

anyways guess i have one of these now

opening the locked case for a customer and slamming it into their head and then smashing a folding chair on them and then getting out the ladder for a body slam

none of the wizard of oz characters had a dick and balls, interesting none of them were questing for that

the chuds will inherit the earth

i don't remember any conversation i've ever had

i was a bee in my past life, fucked some flowers, stung some dipshit and then died