making siri sound like obama

getting really high every day is basically like being a shaolin monk

dah bih gah

if any of you guys are wondering how the iowa primaries are going it’s White Guy vs White Guy

penis implant surgery went well

libs posting their dog like “Sparky says Fuck ICE!” no your dog says woof can we please take something seriously

fucking the coffee man for coffee

cloudy with a chance of torture

I’m not a reply guy, I just reply…guy

every friend group got that one homie who did race science in the sims

if you do enough push ups your problems go away

[god at the pearly gates] n- no actually you’re supposed to be gay. you’ve been telling ppl not to be gay? why would y- yeah no it’s all gay shit in here

[woody voice] there’s a snake in my root

getting reposted feels like someone picked you up and is dangling you in front of ppl and whispering “look at this little guy”

fucking the friend machine for friendship

everything’s a damn machine these days

following whoever is such a dangerous game one day it’s nbd next day you have to defend some mf named Farf on main

telling my therapist I’m a fat fucking chud

Mitch McConnell SLAMS Donald Trump by saying “Hey Mister!!!! That’s Illegal!!!!!”

I’m gonna start dressing up like an anime villain fuck it I got nothing to lose

gatekeeping water

mfs drink one glass of water and act hydrated you ain’t a real aquahead

he didn’t actually say this he just kinda stared off into space like 🫪

finally…an indirect way to tell my followers I jacked off one time

anyone else feel like they have a warped sense of self and that the world is a cruel place designed to crush us into submission

they’re putting me in a basket and sending me down the river tomorrow

UMMMM???! *likes it anyway*

IM UP IN THIS BITCH RIGHT NOW THESE GHOST GUNS DONT MAKE NO SOUND 🔇🤫

guy who gets really obsessed with jake from State Farm and stalks his local State Farm because he thinks he lives there

coffee bitch

lotta dumbfuckery going on today

china

am I a fat fucking chud [shakes magic 8 ball] Yes

pissing and farting at the same time aka the human screenshot

walking up 5000 steps to a mysterious temple in the sky to learn the ancient ways of eating pussy

nice butt dude

iceman i dont fuck wit lice man

how do you have an opinion on the odyssey it hasn’t come out yet

top 10 emotional skeets

hitting on farner

connecting my ai oven to my ai buttplug so I can get notifications for when my frozen pizzas are ready

baldphobia is real you ppl need to check ur privilege

and god said “don’t do anal, for poop comes outta there”

operation penis fury

told a baddie I was lowkey clouted up on bluesky and she pepper sprayed me

exmilitary son or no love deep web daughter

shoutout to all the villains and various ne‘er-do-wells out there yall stay making the world a terrible place

the glock bone connected to the rari bone