its nacho’s 10th birthday. my sweet baby boy

what the hell do they want

touch my buy and butt me pizza

buy me butt and touch my pizza

there will come a day when your tummy hurts. It’s important you remain strong

just an idea I had. for an American psycho remake

door dashing premium air for my tires

ah , my sworn enemy. the Shoe Store

getting real mad at emails today

the Manchurian candidate. that was the joke. And I would never harass chrissy teigen. Also I don’t think goop sells douches anymore it’s not on their website. Ok??

sometimes you get a matching tattoo with your mother and then cut contact with her entirely

[SHAKING HEAD] Chrissy Chrissy Chrissy… [SUCKS TEETH] a restraining order is just a piece of paper. not unlike your cookbook- many pieces of paper you refused to collaborate with me on. Even when I sent you several ideas and samples. But this? [TEARING COURT ORDER] …is a recipe for disaster

[FRESHMAN FILM STUDENT] holy shit. they make noodles that betray you

Louie ck walks into a bar. He’s stabbed on sight

what does that mean? explain it to me. what does this mean? explain. what’s this? explain to me. what is it this is? explain it

Pilates is hard. But yoga is a lot harder than Pilates. But yoga is wicked easy. And barre is way harder than yoga. But barre is the same thing as Pilates. Pretty sure. it’s a rock paper scissors kind of thing

first of all, it’s bedtime. second of all, don’t ever fucking tell me when it’s time to go to bed

ROGAN HITTING JOINT: like hamsters and shit? GUEST: yeah, a hamster is a mammal I think ROGAN COUGHING: that's crazy. I never knew that GUEST: you know Goop? I use the rose quartz douche to clean my asshole. The Mayans did it ROGAN: you can fit a quart of roses in your ass? how does that work?

poop heist

Doctor wants to lower my spiro dose…. Haha. You can take this clear skin from my cold dead hands

I’m only shooting 10 weddings this year instead of my usual 30-40. Bank account gonna be hurty

monthly subscription box of tinned fish, for guys who like tinned fish

the mainstream media doesn’t want you to know that the reason your tummy horts is because you are 34 years old and eat cereal right before bed

I am being harassed by a specific squirrel and I am doing my best to hold strong but I may have to retreat inside

wow. I haven’t been catcalled in so long I forgot about that as a concept

I will NOT play Age of wonders 4 today. I will go outside

mods! MODS!!

can’t wait to go home and slather tret all over my skin

hold on, I can’t decide if I’m mad. or i don’t remember

they already tried this with gal gadot during covid. look how that turned out you dumb old man

you couldn’t do 9/11 today. not with cancel culture

have you tried this yet

continue

give the gift of diabetes to a child in need this year

Netizens fear her

you can use this website however you want but I’m using it to add conflict and anxiety to my daily life

you guys should try this. I call it Going a little crazy online

wow. Got microneedling done on Friday and I’m still peeling like a motherfucker. I don’t know if the nurse left the numbing cream on long enough. most painful experience of my life. Can’t wait to do it again

dogs drinking out of the toilet gotta be one of my top 10 most hated ideas

you wanna know how I got these scars? blue deodorant

guerrilla theatering my way into some pussy

Hamburg, Italy

guy who gets mad at Claude for telling him to go to bed because he’s a grown man who doesn’t take orders from a machine, except for all the other times he takes orders from a machine on how to make Yum Yum Poke Fusion bowls and write birthday cards to the daughter he sees every other weekend

I thought defense and defence had different use cases but it’s just a regional thing? Using my English degree as toilet paper

conjuring something evil

This is unhealthy, irresponsible, and is going to get people stalked if not killed

big month for being a social butterfly. expensive month for being a 30 year old socialista

I need you to get real freaky

actually. I’m not sorry

my mother, the Homunculus