Optimus prime

I can’t wait to quit my stupid fucking job. I can’t wait to start classes and make a career change

shit from a butt

bird feeder is bringing immense joy. this weeks visitors: -black capped chickadee -American goldfinch -tufted titmouse -finch -dark eyed junco -northern cardinal -blue jay -Baltimore oriole -song sparrow -painted bunting -brown headed cowbird -yellow headed black bird -chipping sparrow

a waterbed made of gasoline

fighting the melatonin I chose to take because I’m not done scrolling

it’s supper time

Surely this time when I commit to too many lifestyle changes at once in an attempt to gain control over my life it will be long lasting and fruitful

smells like up princess in here

I’m up Imagining

Traveler, the dishes have piled high once again. How’d you like to earn more coin? Be a dear and help an old lady. If my son Romulus were here he’d take care of it for me. Of course I haven’t seen him since the void spawn took him. You remind me of him, you know. Care to help an old hag once more?

welcome to pound town, population the pounds

Getting a merkin

I made you in the sims and am doing terrible evil things to you

I am the ABDL community’s worst nightmare

composing the most diabolical emails you’ve ever imagined. see attached

Everyone gets mad when I call prairie dogging “butt edging” but I think it’s because they don’t see the vision. they fear what they do not understand

Hemorrhoids? Yes please

can’t get schfifty five off my Home Screen

guess what bitch i just finger fucked your spirit guide and they came BUCKETS of ectoplasm allllll over my ghostly body

holy shit they put roko’s basilisk in the new harry potter show

finger fucking my genie lamp for wishes

where does the Easter bunny live? East

The concept of rough rugged actors like the rock or Jason Statham is so amusing. Grown ass man playing make believe. Lmao I’ll fucking get you. I don’t play. I don’t fucking play

[GENIE APPEARING FROM LAMP] What mortal summons me! [WIPING SWEAT FROM BROW] It is I. Beef Dentist. I have journeyed far and faced many perils, all for this moment. [GENIE, VOICE BOOMING AS IF SPEAKING INTO A DIVINE MEGAPHONE] So be decreed, your wishes three! I’ll grant your request-

I have never learned how Chappell roan is pronounced and I never will

doing awful things to my gut biome

little fox

I would never expect you to do anything you don’t want to do. But I do expect you to want to do everything I want to do

you need to start screenmaxxing

interrupting my wife's keynote speech to show her i finished coloring the page she gave me

well one good thing to come out of all this is that now oil is $5+ a gallon

haven’t had a drink in 6 months, haven’t smoked weed in who knows how long. It’s been awesome. I actually enjoy being DD. I love watching my friends get hammered. I was worried being sober in a room of intoxicated people would be difficult, irritating, or just not fun. But that’s not true at all

Nujabes Compilation To Send Emails And Writhe To

Don’t ever “notify” me. I never want to see a notification in my life

oh my god it’s gonna be Monday again. every fucking week this happens

that’s enough of that

I didn’t know it was that kind of party. a make out party

the most important thing you can do as a wife is consistently bring home knick knacks and little trinkets your husband dislikes. shelves are not for utility. they are for my small objects that bring joy to look at

okay. I’ll do my own dishes I guess. It’s just harrowing and terrible to me

I see you have retuned, but the dishes remain dirty. I don’t have time for idle pleasantries. Return to me when you have finished your task and you will be rewarded as promised.

I still see you in my dreams, My little ghost

Greetings traveler. Looking for adventure in exchange for coin? This sink is piled high with day old dishes. I need you to do them

I’ve been naughty. but I’m going to barre Saturday so my sins are absolved

you can have half a grapefruit and a pickle for dinner if you want

OH BOY I can’t wait to see up the bird feeder this year. Got one with a bird cam in it for Christmas. Exciting stuff

The Vegan Warlock

its a beautiful day for 𝐍𝐨𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲 𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐲𝐞𝐫

change your lettuce change your life. reframe it. I don’t *have* to clock in tomorrow, I *get* to. I’m not an “emotional punching bag” I’m a “customer success enhancer” It’s a privilege to spend every Sunday night praying for the remote from Click. many people aren’t even familiar with that movie

domain expansion: bedtime