anyways. who cares

when the bride says she only wants candid authentic moments and then sends you a Pinterest board filled with completely manufactured situations

[TEARS STREAMING DOWN FACE, GUN SHAKING IN HAND] what happened to the first 4 mambos

moonshoes have nothing to do with the moon and they are hardly even shoes

[EXASPERATED PSYCHOLOGIST HOLDING UP ANOTHER INK BLOT] [HAND THOUGHTFULLY ON MY CHIN] full metal alchemist. no wait. yup that’s the 03 version

mother is doing well

applying to be aella’s intern

it’s true, I was there

I don’t know how but I accidentally reassigned the + key to increase saturation instead of exposure and it’s slowly driving me mad

there’s an incredible glass animals album. there’s a great glass animals album. There’s the worst album you’ve ever heard. and then there’s a fine glass animals album

If I created rokkos basilisk, instead of making it do a baby philosophy puzzle I would make it create a Jurassic Park of ancient Sonic OC's

blood tests, stool samples, urine tests, changed the type cat litter, changed the type of litter box, moved the litter box, calming plug in, calming food topper. No answers as to why my cat decides to spend 2-3 days shitting and pissing all over the house every few months. Like clockwork

I’m up having premonitions

*sighing* maybe me am that kind of orc

When I was like 13 my older cousins convinced me they got a pet platypus from a rescue and I believed it for all of 4 minutes and they bring it up to this day. sorry for having faith in you won’t do it again

omg he got the Aldi ice

Alvin and the chipmunks? he is a chipmunk also is he not. and why is he so special anyways. I could easily flay him

wow. when my online classmates reply to my discussion post as one of their two mandatory responses each week it’s like you really chose me. I do think we are becoming great friends

GRIT MY TEETH AND GRIND THEM TO DUST BITE MY TONGUE UNTIL THE BUDS BLISTER AND OPEN SORES FESTER THE FLESH IS WET AND HEAVY IT TASTES OF METAL AND OF MOTHBALLS THE BLOOD CURDLES AND CLOTS SCABS PLUG THE HOLES WHERE OTHERWISE WHISPERS SLIP OUT I HATE MONDAYS!!!

every Sunday night I transform in a terrible monster like a werewolf on the full moon. I heave and scream and cry and pace and think only of the morrow’s emails. my transformation, though weekly, never gets easier. don’t you fucking talk to me about the Sunday scaries. I AM the Sunday scaries

Sir gawain and the green knight but it’s me and my mother

Broo you can trust me. I am the secret keeper

you were either a regular show or an adventure time kind of annoying guy but you had to choose one

you cat see it but under all that pico and guac lies chipotle lime chicken

I’m gonna have this holter monitor on for two weeks and not have any events and then as soon as I take it off I’m gonna experience severe tachycardia

my favorite thing about my dryer is that it cannot be trusted to dry clothes

tried sleeping on my back for the past 3 days and have experienced severe back pain as punishment. Awful. Side sleeping is divine

oh mein gott rip Lindsey graham. Another victim of the explosive diarrhea epidemic. May he rest in piss. and poo

Giving myself constipation in preparation of the explosive diarrhea epidemic

weekly phone call with grandmother where she spends 30 minutes detailing the colors of the chairs she saw on a TV ad

is watching trigun

Damn I've been missing 4 months of skeets

hired a poop surrogate

JUST A BOY FROM MISSOURI AND I BEEN IN MISERY MET A GIRL FROM TENNESSEE SHE THE ONLY TEN I SEE

I can be your angel fruit cake or your devils chocolate mim hungry

and me? I have diabetes type 4

he’s got hemorrhoid arthritis. fatal

Oh wow haha. yeah that’s crazy they got a red card. I actually used to listen to yellowcard a bit

Monday is coming

what is she. is she a tortie?

clipping my toenails for the function

Accidentally got Applebees instead of chilis and it ruined my entire fucking night

Locking in

thought of a really good post two nights ago as I was falling asleep and considered grabbing my phone to make a draft but thought , no. That’s ridiculous. This idea is So Good surely I will remember it in the morning. Devastating

[REALLY HORNY GUY WHO JUST TOOK A WOMENS HISTORY CLASS] idk I think it's fucked up to speak over marginalized people. Some people really can't stomach butter and we should listen to them about that. believe women

Will you join me in the war on spider mites

I am willing to go to great lengths to ensure my own comfort, even if it causes me great discomfort

a very burger evening

showing up to the baby shower in a diaper