you don’t understand. my pain is poetic and beautoful

okay. I’m ready to be normal now

pull my finger

posting expert brunette reveal

max burger

having depression in a not very hot sexy cool way is so boring. It needs to be fun

we should start gatekeeping more

this is my impression of Marge doing an impression of Goofy doing an impression of Napoleon

activating my core with a severe coughing fit. do you feel it in your obliques? that means it’s working

hearing a lot of electrical sounds today. noticing electrical noises a lot today. I thuink I just threwo up

I’m too depressed to post good. but if I’m not depressed at all I don’t post good. I need a light, mild depression to post good. all things in moderation

I have to get more normal

you named your dog duke? like after the poop?

interviewing to be the bell alarm at the local elementary school

They should make a subscription service that kills you

couldn’t sleep last night so I yassified Erika kirk

tried an inhaler tonight. good shit. do they make flavored ones? I don’t have asthma I just like inhaling

PEMDAS for my nightly medication routine

if I ask what you want for Christmas mid November and you don’t tell me until two weeks before Christmas you’re getting a knuckle sandwich

very fun niche reference my friend. quite obscure of you, Have you considered including others ?

He should wear a hat

stopped to get gas this morning but it was soo windy I only had the stamina to stand out there for 2 minutes so guess who has to stop for gas on the way home

michael bay

ok

sorry but you have contacted me at my non human hours

yayyyy

if I was a bard I’d be so happy

government sponsored personality test

Oh what!!!

yum

*middle school teacher voice* I’m about to get so many severed fingers again aren’t I 🤦🏼‍♀️

taking out a mr beast loan to pay off my mr beast credit card which I used to go to mr beast world. the APR is unprecedented but there is a loophole that allows you to tack off 1% interest per finger you sever and mail to your local middle school teacher

went to a full moon yoga class last night which ended with a 15 minute journaling session except my pen was out of ink so I just sat there pretending to write and nodding my head as each prompt was read aloud

While I do log on specifically to see what new insane horrible trials are plaguing you every week🙏i hope one day you’re able to tweet: “uneventful staycation, cats fatter than ever”

yes I have “mold irritation” yes I have a scratchy throat yes I am a first time home owner who is still learning the concequences of humidity in a basement

it begins

what

food is not a reward for doing work. it is not a little treat you deserve. food is something you need you dumb idiot

spent my first holiday with my mother in 6 years and my estranged abusive step father showed up drunk and proceeded to play with power tools. I am an understandable level of drunk

yup

still haunted by the memory of checking out at the grocery store with my husband where the cashier asked if I “like shopping with papa” and put a milk sticker on my hand. “do you want a sticker?” she says, taking my hand with a full set of acrylic nails and an engagement ring

*handing you a diaper* put this on

yes I would take the substance. The warning wasn’t to not do it, it was to follow directions

my son is so smart and handsome and brave

I would like to kiss my husband I haven’t kissed my husband in 3 days I’m going to lose it

had to end the trip early because I got norovirus but one of the COOLEST things about bathrooms in Europe is that almost all of them have built in water fountains. I feel like Europe is notorious for never having water anywhere and charging for it at restaurants but I think that’s a misconception-

HEWWWOOOO NEW YORK!!!

experiencing a category 4 ideastorm

you will receive a moderate cash settlement

they should make a pill that relieves your bladder