My post-apocalyptic companions are worried that I was bitten by the rabid podcaster before we put him down but they're just being paranoid. This will make great content for the bonus episoohhh no

Watching a low quality video of 60 minutes like it's scrambled porn from 1996

I don't think Trump should get access to standard medical care, he should have to let RFK Jr treat him

Americans having to bootleg broadcast news about our government’s offshored concentration camp is a level of fascism that immediately precedes democratic societies dropping leaflets on us from weather balloons.

We've entered the time of year known as The Eternal Weekend

No way

If you got a problem, yo, I'll solvent, check out the gunk, isopropyl dissolves it

To me, the radical positions of "No corruption" and "All corruption all the time" are equally unreasonable. That's why I support doing a moderate amount corruption on an as-needed basis

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Santa Claus and the grinch have the same donors. Open your eyes

Everyone in the federal government and the media only has one job and it's frantically running around and trying to hide evidence of the president's many crimes. They are so tired and all they want is for him to at least pause the crimes for a minute but he keeps on doing new ones

No one at the rap battle will wait for me to type my prompts

I'm not in marketing but an angry guy shrieking "Guess what asshole...AI isn't going away so you might as well accept it!" doesn't strike me as the way you'd pitch an ostensibly useful product

Even in these difficult times we must continue making art. That's why I will always post things such as "The ass is the window to the soul"

I wrote about the conservative quest to restore the "true" Constitution, the Antebellum Constitution, shorn of the egalitarian nonsense in the Reconstruction Amendments, a document that replaces equality with a society of dominators and the dominated. www.theatlantic.com/politics/202...

I don't mean to be divisive but to call it a computer's "natural scrolling"--which mimics the despicable Phone--and then to make it default? An outrage. Swiping down should scroll down, as was true since the dawn of time on the noble mouse scroll wheel

Gen Z character in a video game: My ass is washed. 1) Congratulations on your shower 2) [Sympathy] No way, you have your whole life ahead of you

look for the helpers, they are distracted and easy prey

I've surveyed the political scene and in my expert judgment the voters hunger for candidates who are sniveling little weasels who don't believe in anything

To: ALL STAFF Hi all, I know it's the weekend and many of you are out for Christmas but everyone needs to come back to the office to help come up with a plausible reason we posted and then deleted the Trump pics with no notice or explanation. This is the life you chose for some reason

They came to me and they said "Sir it's time for your weekly cognitive test, something we make all healthy presidents do" and I said thank you. That's very nice

In a shocking twist, my hamfisted attempt at a coverup has only drawn attention to my crimes

Trump is like when Mr. Burns from the simpsons has every disease but in his case it's every greek myth that's meant to teach you a lesson

There's an impeachment resolution against this guy in the House but it's not being talked about very much because "This lunatic is trying to kill your children" isn't a compelling enough political message I guess

they should invent a law that protects and binds the same people

I love working at the Department of Justice and participating in a conspiracy to cover up the demented 80 year old president's sex crimes. I spend 18 hours a day redacting documents and there's a putrid husk where my soul used to be

You're mad because you expect a "software update" to make things work better. You will only be free when you understand this to be an illusion and accept the fact that software is suffering

Any contemporary of Lincoln describing his personality: His natural sagacity was matched only by his wit and good humor Describing his appearance: The grotesque creature was made by the devil in hell. Also his suit didn't fit

My private equity owned dentist does things a little differently. I pay a monthly fee to keep the teeth I already have, and if I unsubscribe they send a guy to knock them out

Could a person with depression do this?! (grimly goes about activities of daily living)

(putting a microwave in a porta potty) My startup will transform affordable housing

There should be a constitutional mechanism for removing a president. Not impeachment, something that actually works, maybe like a catapult

Now that Santa has built a loyal and addicted customer base it's time for him to start charging money for presents

Once in a century political opportunity here, if only there were a party to claim it

The older I get, the more my politics mature from childish, naïve beliefs like "the world is complicated and leaders have to make hard decisions" to more serious, adult principles like "hurting people is bad and helping people is good."

We staffed the entire FBI with guys who only make memes and podcasts, hope that doesn't affect our ability to respond to major crimes

They're selling you the same pasta in different shapes and you're falling for it

I don't want to be a "I'm not surprised" guy but covid made it clear that a substantial part of the population wants the freedom to do whatever they want even if it kills them and/or others

GOD: if my commandments get 50,000 likes, i will tell Abraham to kill his son

The Democratic Party's formula for the last 50 years has been "Let's be friendly with extreme wealth and maybe we can also get modest policy wins sometimes." The last 10 years and this year in particular should be conclusive proof of how badly this has failed. But we're stuck with it anyway

One of the many reasons AI can't produce good writing is it can't hate its own writing. It can't think to itself "Maybe I'm illiterate" during the writing process. And that's essential

I firmly believe that talking normally to strangers on the internet preserves *my* mental health. If I was on here yelling at people every day my brain would be mashed potatoes by now

Winning the Cold War only to blow yourself up for no reason 30 years later is such a good bit

Nobody. I do not think you can eat chair

Scientists now believe that the human brain--a magic goo for worrying--can also be used to do other things

Being annoying on your own timeline is free speech. Being annoying in someone's replies is harassment. Quote posts are a gray area of the law still being developed