Lawyers make fun of juries as much as politicians make fun of voters but when the time came to push back against autocracy guess who folded immediately and who hasn't

From the start this had to end either in a fold or in keeping the government shut down indefinitely and I don't think anyone was willing to do the latter

"did you even read the article???? the headline is bad but the article is good!!!" buddy if I see a restaurant called Dan's Fecal Stew i am not gonna go in there to see if maybe they printed the sign wrong

Americans have spoken and they demand wokeness

Politicians should probably get on Bluesky to get better in touch with the American electorate.

Head in hands wondering how this could happen to me, the popular president who posted a video of myself shitting on everyone 2 weeks ago

Incredibly funny to watch the right wing going Oh so just because I love money and hate poor people I'm a bad Christian according to "the pope"???

every science news article is like "chinese researchers invent cure for hurting your back getting out of bed" and every science policy news article is like "uncomfortable bed lobby successfully lobbies trump admin with $500 bribe"

For years people made fun of big tech for inventing things that already exist and they responded with their magnum opus: inventing fascism. Incredible work

It's nearly impossible to make a living entertaining children in a sewer since Stephen king's "It"

Your wife should never "look for a job." As a man it's your duty to start a business and hire your wife

I do have a litmus test for my candidates now and it's that I want them to be genuinely pissed off, not pretend pissed off

Generally speaking I don't want my items to be Futuristic, I want them to work

It's interesting that wise conservative business guys implicitly understand "return on investment" except when it comes to this. It's better for YOU if your neighbor gets enough to eat so he can become your community's mechanic, accountant, dentist--whatever!--instead of lying dead in a ditch

My congratulations to all Baseball Perverts. It was their "super bowl" last night and it seems they all had a very bad time (in their culture that's how you have a good time)

I haven't watched dancing with the stars before but they have a treasured follower of the hippo account on there this season. Very nice!

One of my beliefs is every public establishment should have a ping pong table. You should be able to drop in anywhere for a quick Pong

Hello kids. Great costumes. You can have boring regular candy or, in exchange for a small fee, you can invest in something I'm calling Candy Premium, an AI-enabled solution that

Children tear-gassed. Teenagers tackled to the ground. Bellingcat analysed footage of clashes between federal officers and civilians after a judge issued a restraining order on crowd-control tactics in Illinois: www.bellingcat.com/news/2025/10...

My theory is the evil people in charge know they're evil. That's why they're obviously miserable even though they spend a lot of effort trying to convince everyone (and themselves!) they're actually having a good time

I completely understand the ennui experienced by the average person in our modern age but it's very funny to be like "This sucks I wish I was a farmer in the 1400s"

One of the right wing's top cultural initiatives was trying to destroy the idea that assholery deserves shame and we'll have to reverse that. "I'm just expressing an opinion I'm entitled to." Ok but you're an asshole. "I'm simply doing a business practice that technically isn't illegal." Ok. Asshole

My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings. Look on my works and let me know if you have any questions! 🤗

Cat running for office: But we're going to get rid of the humans because they've been treating us very badly. And our bowls will be full in the morning- perhaps fuller than ever before

The year is 2025. The rarest skill in the world is acting normal for like 15 minutes. For me of course it's effortless

I've built a socioeconomic system that depends on everyone to do useful work and act ethically except the people at the top, who get unimaginable rewards for being antisocial frauds and criminals. And I think it will stand the test of time

I think any story about Trump's autocracy should be mostly about the people and institutions who failed to stop it. This guy isn't a political genius, everything else just happens to be rotten. 'Toddler Consolidates Power In Household' is a story about incompetent parents, not shrewd maneuvering

They're going to change the clocks this weekend and the president is powerless to stop it. Because he's weak and a loser. That's what they're saying sir

how does donald trump keep breaking all these norms when all i'm doing is repeatedly suggesting he might do that with softball questions and then writing up the answers as if it's not a settled issue and attributing equal validity to his sundowning avarice and the written constitution

We actually need more corruption. If everyone is doing corruption then according to free market principles the best corruption will rise to the top

You should be able to find jobs by searching "guy who shows up on time and generally does what he's supposed to"

I guess it's called the Magna Carta. I heard that and I said wow. But we're not going to have it anymore and we'll have something much better. And I think our royal subjects will be very happy

DM means Dishonorable Message. If you need to speak with me you can do so in front of everyone, in the light of god

at this point it's nearly impossible to figure out who is actually stupid vs who is pretending to be stupid vs who used to be pretending to be stupid but did it for so long they became actually stupid

I'm pretty allergic to doomerism but the closest I get is when I see teachers talking about how bad it is out there. Does nobody really know how to read or write anymore

I'll cautiously say I've noticed more skepticism about AI in the corporate world and it's mostly because people's coworkers are creating extra work for them. They don't have the vocabulary to describe it yet but it's basically the "Why should I read what you couldn't be bothered to write" thing

Running for office and revealing a giant back tattoo that just says WOMEN. Nobody can agree if it's good or bad

Conservative conceptions of manhood always included being quick to anger and the tinge of violence but it also included not whining, being taciturn, being hardworking , etc. Clint Eastwood, not a 12 year old raging at Mom for not having chicken nuggets.

Ok let's see here, I have an economy dependent on consumer spending, and where everyone is leveraged to the gills. Should I make everything more expensive for no apparent reason and see how it goes?

America is being run by people whose social media presence would see them getting fired from a part time job stacking shelves. If you worked at Aldi and posted a video of you pouring shit all over Aldi customers, you wouldn't work at Aldi.

We gotta do a nationwide inquest into antisocial behavior. Leaving your dog's poop on the street. Not returning shopping carts. The What's Wrong With You initiative

me: ugh god you know how you make plans for friday night but then friday night gets there and you don't want to do it and it feels sooooooo good to cancel? my liege lord Daimyō Nobunaga (unsheathing katana): even a dog understands loyalty. She whose word is not bond does not deserve to live

When you are pure of heart no amount of earnestness is Cringe. When you are a malevolent little freak no amount of sarcasm is enough to make you cool

I know it's a fool's errand to expect anything from the media but "President posts video of himself dumping diarrhea on America" is an important thing to call attention to for a dozen reasons

oh you’re a nihilist? name zero things that matter

They made it too expensive to buy a house but they also made it too expensive to rent. It's time to Retvrn to our ape roots and live in the trees

Robocop is a movie about a guy who gets killed on the job and they still made him go back to work

Both sides of a conflict are calling each other evil and corrupt, rendering me, a humble journalist, helpless to discern the truth. Best I can do is let you know that both sides are in fact saying those things. Hope this helps

Particularly in this time of ubiquitous AI filth I think we should appreciate great writers & David is one of the best imo

If I caught the scent of a delicious pie cooling on a windowsill I wouldn't float towards it helplessly. I would continue on to whatever business I had that day