the human body was not designed to know what the worst person in the world is doing every fifteen minutes

If you're a democrat who can summon even like half the juice of FDR you can clean up in the primaries. Look at your competition dawg

The president is not taking any options off the table. That includes hitting himself in the head with a big cartoon mallet. Opening a box that says ACME and it exploding in his face, causing his beak to flip backwards. Running into a tunnel painted on the side of a mountain

The economy in shambles as I consider a large purchase and decide against it. Economists throwing up as I announce that "I don't need that"

The US government collected over $1 billion in immigration fees then refused to process the applications. No denials. No refunds. Just silence. This is the largest fee fraud in the history of the American immigration system. Here's what's happening. 🧵

Phone less convenient in every way and furthermore it is for babies. You always see babies poking away at phones and tablets. A baby is never on the computer

I will quit my job and volunteer as a prosecutor in the next administration. I'll do it for free

‘While state and federal prosecutors have sent record numbers of people to prison for violent crimes and property- and drug-related offenses, the US retreated from prosecuting and punishing white-collar crime, despite a tsunami of elite-level wrongdoing.’ www.bloomberg.com/news/feature...

New bit I've perfected if anyone brings up a problem: I don't really follow politics but it was never like this before Trump. "But the Democrats and the funding and--" Yeah like I said I don't really follow that. There was always politics but before Trump it was never like this. That's all I know

🎵 Carry on my based milk son 🎵

My sons, Aryann and Grokulus, love to visit local establishments and shoot at the feet of service employees, causing them to "dance." Do you like this. Is this relatable

a hugely underrated aspect of parliamentary systems is the snap election. far superior to impeachment, which was a dumb design to start with and straight up does not work anymore

Making sure that every upper class business traveler has a weekly run-in with ICE is the kind of big brain political move only our guy could come up with

I'm going to become a money influencer and teach people how to save by never going anywhere or doing anything. It'll be called going tree mode

We have to destroy all trucks and SUVs...we must do it for America

virtually every main social ill we face right now is downstream from the fact that rich people have more money than they know what to do with. national security risk

Sometimes when I send a Strong email that warrior mindset just kicks in. This is how my ancestors felt when they went into battle

Mr President you must go to iran personally sir. You are the only one who can do the art of the deal. This is a situation that calls for the personal touch of a man who got a nobel peace prize at a garage sale or whatever

we say “o’clock” because time is irish

Today I am quitting my job working for Mr Trump because I just found out he's stupid. It has been the privilege of my life to work for this dipshit, who I would die for

It is *fascinating* to me how quickly some people have gone completely from “we all must work in the office! human collaboration is vital and only happens in person!” to “I can replace all these pesky people with chatbots!” Definitely some commentary there about our society and who gets to choose.

Having a hard time believing this ides of March story, you're telling me senators did something other than send out fundraising texts

Thinking about what I'd do if I quit my job and settled on "Low stakes Punisher" where I take on villains who are rude to service workers, who don't pick up after their dogs. That kind of thing. Our country is going to hell and I will fix it one asshole at a time

There's a hauntingly beautiful irony in these morons thinking that carefully crafted American hegemony was actually weak and woke, and they would be the ones who would do Power and Dominance properly, and immediately bringing everything crashing down

Watching a bunch of giant SUVs trying to maneuver around each other at the grocery store parking lot. Why do we need this. Who's having a good time here

me: if z is the length of a slice and a is the area of the pie, then pi(zz)=a PhD advisor: this is what you’ve been working on for three and a half years?

I hate traveling but anytime I can go somewhere on the train all I think is "Oh at least it's on the train." More trains!

Says a lot about him that he's still on twitter :/

A lot of discussion right now about How To Fix All This and one of my ideas is the Toddler New Deal. Policies based on stuff like "Clean up after yourself" and "You have to share with the other kids"

I hope I'm wrong but I've settled on the idea that unless the next Democratic president is a generational talent with a sharp focus and an iron will we can pack this whole thing up and go home

What if we rename it the Strait of America. Then it becomes ours

Operation Epic Fury [I slide one foot out from under me and fall on my ass. It's not clear what kind of move I was trying to do]

This is just astonishingly great reporting. All of the crises the White House has claimed over the last 14 months were planned in advance. All of them. And however much contempt you have for media outlets who reverently relayed Trump's claim to have no relation to Project 2025, it isn't enough.

Most likely outcome is that asshole dies of old age and leaves everyone else to clean up his mess, capping an 80 year run of never experiencing consequences. Only in America baby!

The S&P (shit & poop) 500

True independent thinkers don't change their clocks just because everyone else does. I will do my own research and determine what time it is

I'm supposed to get married this year but look around. How can I bring a wife into this world

Staff at the nation’s largest Immigration and Customs Enforcement detention facility have placed bets on which detainee will be the next to die by suicide, according to new reporting from the Associated Press based on 911 calls and detainee accounts.

Oh my god the only thing missing is jingling keys and him laughing and clapping like an infant

Baturday Bat World Sanctuary

Video games used to have only captions when the characters talked, which means video games used to be reading. Now video games are TV

They're going to write books about all the big brain moves of this gang of imbeciles and among them will be "Spending a year trying to kill renewable energy and then launching a war that sends oil prices soaring"

It's valid to tell people "I have plans" if your plans are to sit on your couch. That's a type of plans

Unfortunately, “Yo brother, legal team confirmed we can’t work with minors rn” is an instant classic

Telling Jesus he'll never make it if he keeps being so hostile to wealth. Advising him to moderate his message to appeal to the Galilee suburbs

Quick question does anyone know how to restore virtue to a decaying society

I'm the guy who advised chat gpt to make their logo a butt hole. I told them it represents Knowledge

I really don't think I should have to verify that I am human to look at the Cheesecake Factory menu online. Dogs and robots should be able to look at 57 types of cheesecakes too.