Thought John Grisham and Josh groban were the same person until exactly right now

Cracking myself up inside my head at work thinking of funny stuff I might say later

Today my chocolatier asked me the most important question of my life which was “what happened between Taylor swift and Olivia rodrigo” which I’m sure she regretted as I took her on a journey

The same thing that makes sports guys want to trash talk other teams and their fans is what makes me want to kill the enemies of Olivia rodrigo

So there’s this rocky road bonbon

Of course the new Olivia Rodrigo album is on repeat

Not me in my TikTok creator era www.tiktok.com/@calibressa?...

All respect to the professional tiktokers out there this shit takes forever

This is the first original recipe me and my chocolatier made. It’s a strawberry matcha white chocolate bark

Cajeta turtles

Back in the day someone quote tweeted this and it went semi viral on vegan twitter bc they took me seriously

You guys I’m shadow banned on Twitter and insta (posting more and more unhinged rants that confuse/alienate my loved ones)

“Type B bride” this and that what about us Cluster B brides

Any city can be walkable if you don’t care where you’re going and you aren’t afraid to die

Megan thee stallion should be allowed to kill one man a year

My fiance asked me if I could do my dishes and I said I’m decentering men rn

Why are u asking me at the grocery checkout if I want to donate to help end hunger in the community. What do you think I’m doing right now

Ginger would be great for nausea if it didn’t taste so bad that I threw up the second it touched my tongue

Did watching Justin beiber YouTube videos in2009 infect these people with some kind of parasitic curse like in the Ring or something

Men don’t seek positions of power and authority unless they want to use them to abuse women and children. They are simply the weaker sex and not fit to hold office

I will also not be going on hasan pikers stream

People saying mamdani can’t run for president he wasn’t born here as if we don’t have the fakest most illegal administration in history

Asked my doctor if I could just get a small dose of ozempic to take the edge off and he said to take my ass to the gym

Oh ok yeah

If I DID believe Taylor swift was a closet case (evil bisexual)and I DID believe Travis kelce was in a secret relationship with his best friend slash assistant Ross Travis then I would be going nuts over the Elizabeth Taylor comparisons but I’m at least 2 years sober of gaylorism

Do you guys know about the casino butter steak stone zip sauce on here or is this a twitter only phenomenon

People underestimate how healing it can be to be a huge bitch to everyone. Chappel roan knows this

Jack in the box operates in a unique fast food niche where it’s like the place dad picks for food on a road trip bc he’s tired of you fighting with your siblings over Taco Bell or McDonalds and he likes 1 random thing on the menu and he’s also kind of punishing you

They’re airing you guys out on the everything app

Knock Knock (2015)

Everyone wants me to get in the pool today. We’re hearing it more and more folks!

Can I say I think it’s funny that chappel roan is addicted to yelling at paparazzi and fans. That’s funny

There’s salted caramel in him belly

Damn the shine really rubbed off Timmy chalamet huh

Do you even care about him

You can’t cancel a guy just because his autistic hyper fixation is white supremacy

When Zohran mamdani got elected my sisters friend said if she lived in New York she would move out. Guess who’s moving to NYC next week!

Super into reading rn. Books, and things of that nature

Little old lady asked me to get something off the top shelf for her! Moi! I’m a big dog

They put the pimple patches in target jail, just a humiliation ritual to spend $11 at this point

Going back thru my old posts can’t believe they’re only getting a few likes each. I keep liking them thinking “good one that’s funny” before remembering I wrote it

This guy was the most annoying anal pain in the ass and that was him ON BENZOs??? Let him keep them!!

I can’t tell when things are written by AI bc I have spent my whole life trying to approximate normal human speech too

Of course I had to wreck my car and cause $3600 worth of damage. Why couldn’t it have killed me instead

Wait imagine a mall bit instead of clothing stores it’s all the places I need to go to do my errands

This old French chef is training me and I said I should clone myself to get more done and without a hint of sarcasm he said “No……no.”

I quit my job to make artisan chocolate and here’s my pineapple caramels I did a nice job on them