Melania's Christmas decorations are much more inviting this year.

I, for one, am quite surprised that the most corrupt White House administration in history did not comply with the rules regarding the proper release of the Epstein files. It would have been impossible to see this coming.

Obama really scrambled their brains forever

NaziFest 2025 playing all the hits. Plus now with more Nicki Minaj!

They pretend that tariffs are paid for by foreign countries, when they are taxes paid for by United States consumers. If there is any kind of rebate or refund of any kind, be sure that it will go directly to large companies, and will never reach the actual people who paid it in the first place.

Text “STOP” to finally stop believin’

DID OUR PINKY SWEAR MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?

Please join me in not forming groups for any reason.

If a social media post demanding action doesn't make the government immediately fall into line, then I don't know what will.

Looking back at Rob Reiner, by my brother www.cbsnews.com/video/rememb...

The podcaster-FBI Director-podcaster career path is a common one your high school guidance counselor probably tried to push you into.

Jake Paul has been a "boxer" for about ten years but never faced a single punch from a real boxer. He got hit with one punch and folded like an origami swan. Predictable.

Love means never needing to redact!

You know what never cost millions of dollars to redact? Love.

Ain't no big surprise

Looks like I'm not going to be able to dreidel my way out of this mess.

I love the football movie "Draft Day." I really have no idea why. Do you have any movies where you don't even understand why you like it so much?

Horror movie idea: Literally exactly as things are right this moment.

Movie idea: Remake "Driving Miss Daisy" in the "Fast & Furious" universe

"I was only involved with the criminal financial part of Epstein's dealings, not the other stuff" will be an interesting position a lot of these guys are going to take.

The Bari Weiss ratings flops will continue until morale improves.

It's going to be mind-blowing when it turns out that the president is really Andy Kaufman.

Avatar Avatar: The Way of Water Avatar: Fire and Ash Avatar: Passing of the Gas Avatar: Solid as a Rock Avatar: Perfectly Plasma

Why would anyone want to enter public service if they couldn't do insider trading?

"Look, we could take care of the penis no problem. The testicles are gonna cost you extra. We can throw in the undercarriage coating for free though."

Just atrocious Giving classic 2016-2020 vibes

Letting right-wing podcasters run the world is not optimal.

The Golden Age of Bluesky focused on two things: 1. Alf hog 2. big boat got stuck We were just kids then. Those we heady times, not a care in the world...

Long story short, I'm not allowed to be the person who is supposed to be the "catcher" in any more trust falls.

ME: So... would you like to go back to my place? HER: Sure. ME: Great. Here's my key. I'm going to go meet some other people and be there in about 2 hours. I think there's a Fresca in the fridge.

I always check the plane for snakes. Safety first.

A clean paper plate? Sure, "Your Majesty."

LAWYER: When I move you move? WITNESS: Just like that. COURTROOM: *murmur murmur* JUDGE: Order! Order! One more outburst and I will clear this courtroom! LAWYER: I have nothing further.

I thought that having ICE arrest every single immigrant whether here legally or illegally would free up jobs for "real Americans." But the unemployment rate and jobs report couldn't be any worse. Maybe I misunderstood things?

FYI, it's pretty easy to buy Cabbage Patch Kids this holiday season. I guess the craze is finally over.

I was pretty suspect about RFK JR's agenda, but when I saw an expert like Jenny McCarthy chime in to support him, it changed everything for me.

HER: Your intimacy issues are really starting to impact this relationship. ME: [from orbiting space station] How so?

Hemingway’s editor: The short story you sent is great, but I’d like to see you flesh it out. Who is this baby— and why doesn’t he wear shoes?

Today's assignment: If you still have a Facebook account, keep changing your birthday on Facebook to whatever day it is. Every day.

No person who was ever told to "calm the fuck down" has ever calmed down. let alone "the fuck" down.

Every limbo ends in tragedy.

To really make the point, the word "irony" should actually mean something else completely.

Toy idea: Like a Transformer, but it doesn't turn into anything.

Change "Find" to "Avoid" and I'm in

Doesn't everyone have a floor sweater? (A sweater that is always on the floor somewhere in your house)

a Star Wars cover band called Han Halen

a lord of the rings cover band called imagine flagons

Sure thing, "Markwayne."

[looking at a train] Yep, that tracks.

Still pretty shocked when I spell certain words correctly the first time. I always think spellcheck is broken.