Rogan's ratings are down, so he's "going religious" to shift his grift.

I have never in my 10 years walking the dog in the neighborhood seen a frog. In the past week, we have seen an average of 10 per walk So I am assuming this is one phase of a new series of plagues. And not a moment too soon.

Trying to bring more attention to awareness.

Thinking of switching universes.

Stages of trying to sleep: I can get 8 hours I can still get 7 hours I can still get 6 hours I can still get 5 hours I can still get 4 hours I can still get 3 hours I can still get 2 hours I can still get 1 hour *falls asleep for 5 minutes* *alarm goes off *

The administration will support anything that causes women more pain. Hence, the Tylenol farce.

If you want to discourage pop-ins, always be cleaning up blood when someone stops by.

The world: imploding, fighting, spiraling. Me: here’s a nice picture of my cat, you’re welcome.

"Which of these common household items terrifies you the most?" - dating a horror writer

If Dems don't impeach for the public demand to prosecute the president's enemies, they should all resign.

Get you a man who can do both

Spent the day posting "do better" under photos of people's kids on Facebook

DEM VOTERS: Please do something! SCHUMER:

Errbody on the club canceling Disney+

Nobody never wanted to be your weekend lover anymore and that's sad

Clearly this collab lit a fire under Aerosmith. They sound great, the song rocks, and Yungblud clearly wants the "rock star" mantle that few seem interested in. Let yourself enjoy something for a change. youtu.be/74mV9qwlCgg?...

Anyone who is like "you must go back to Twitter and engage with Nazis or you're not doing social media right" is a bad faith actor and should be treated as such.

Every single person who has written a "Bluesky sucks" article sucks at Bluesky.

The haunted doll I got at a flea market has killed again, but it's so darn cute I just can't stay mad at it.

Gentlemen, never has the outlook for our company looked more grim. Thus, the thawing of Walt Disney has begun.

The little neighbor girl just asked me if I liked the "witch weather," and just like that, I have an apprentice

Every day this administration invents new, increasingly crappier way to screw your over, things that in the past reality the Onion would be ashamed to put out.

U.F.O. stands for "unidentified flying object." But as soon as you see one and go "there's a U.F.O." then haven't you identified it? (I am not high!)

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

Best movie soundtrack? For me, "Boogie Nights" You?

Nate Silver is another "always wrong" guy who people listen to.

Bringing this vibe to Bluesky

Someone tell our aging celebs that we love them and they don't have to destroy their faces.

I can do anything I set my mind to after panicking first.

Schumer will be like "We did it! We got Republicans to agree to a deferred 0.00001% tax on billboard ads." and vote for any fucking thing the GOP puts in front of him.

Perhaps if we yelled at the Dems to do LESS...?

Try Not To Turn Every Post Into A Political Statement With Your Stupid Reply Challenge™️ (difficulty level infinity)

The people who reply to any post knocking the Dems with something like "yeah, sure, go after the Dems, meanwhile..." are part of the reason we are where we are. 1. The fear of demanding more from your own party is a sickness. 2. These are the people whose JOB IT IS to hold the GOP accountable.

Dutch late night TV has its take

I wish Dan Flashes carried this shirt. I mean, look how the patterns and colors overlap. It's nuts. It would have to cost at least $2,500. But I would want it sooooooo bad.

What would be your heavyweight championship fight walk-in music? I'd go with: "Mean Streets" - Van Halen or "I Ain't No Joke" - Eric B. and Rakim

freaking out and then calming down and feeling peaceful and freaking out again

You think you are going to ruin my life, just wait until you see what I've done to it

I have always hated all Chuck Norris-related memes, primarily due to the fact that he is a terrible person, but also due to the fact that Bruce Lee kicked has cop-mustache-having ass.

Thinking of all the legitimately heroic people that the Dems have historically been too cowardly to honor on a national stage.

When A and B are having witty online repartee and clearly "know" each other, and C jumps in to make it pure cringe. (C is always a guy, btw)

Thank fuck it's Friday

"If this is your first night at Tickle Club... you have to tickle..."

Dems like to "meet halfway" by completely supporting the opposing side and capitulating on ways that are difficult to fathom.

Not today, things that I was supposed to do yesterday. Not today...

GOP: We will destroy you unless you capitulate! [they completely capitulate] GOP: Nevertheless. *destroys them*

People out there still trying to reason with bad faith actors who will act in bad faith no matter what you do or say.

Did everyone's pets write this?

- "Ghost:" The ghost wasn't a ghost but the sexy clay pot was totally a ghost