"That's me in the coroner." - ghost who loves the band R.E.M. and is also trying to solve their own murder

People say I look like a malfunctioning wheat thresher when I dance, so I guess I'm technically a dancing machine

You’re in his DMs. I’m scribbling his name in crayon on a white padded wall.

🎵That's me in the corner, That's me in the spot light, I'm losing my religion...

THEM: I can't see you in this picture from the REM concert. ME: That's me in the corner.

What’s a small joy that always hits?

Arrested Development

My favorite direct message of all time: "seriously tho what is your fucking problem"

Please do not read anything into the White House eliminating qualified people and replacing them with white supremacists at every level of government.

Bari Weiss is holding a completely researched news report in order to give the White House administration their opportunity to present an opposing view on torture hellholes where people are sent without due process. I'm not sure what the complaint is. That's just good, ethical journalism.

Everyone at work is mad at me because I conjured The Devil

I will totally have your back. Until someone sexier disagrees with you.

You know what's a jam for all the fellas? This here.

There's never a secret passage leading to the underground lair of some mythical creature when you need one.

Bari Weiss pulling the old Pam Bondi with news stories.

Melania's Christmas decorations are much more inviting this year.

I, for one, am quite surprised that the most corrupt White House administration in history did not comply with the rules regarding the proper release of the Epstein files. It would have been impossible to see this coming.

Obama really scrambled their brains forever

NaziFest 2025 playing all the hits. Plus now with more Nicki Minaj!

They pretend that tariffs are paid for by foreign countries, when they are taxes paid for by United States consumers. If there is any kind of rebate or refund of any kind, be sure that it will go directly to large companies, and will never reach the actual people who paid it in the first place.

Text “STOP” to finally stop believin’

DID OUR PINKY SWEAR MEAN NOTHING TO YOU?!?

Please join me in not forming groups for any reason.

If a social media post demanding action doesn't make the government immediately fall into line, then I don't know what will.

Looking back at Rob Reiner, by my brother www.cbsnews.com/video/rememb...

The podcaster-FBI Director-podcaster career path is a common one your high school guidance counselor probably tried to push you into.

Jake Paul has been a "boxer" for about ten years but never faced a single punch from a real boxer. He got hit with one punch and folded like an origami swan. Predictable.

Love means never needing to redact!

You know what never cost millions of dollars to redact? Love.

Ain't no big surprise

Looks like I'm not going to be able to dreidel my way out of this mess.

I love the football movie "Draft Day." I really have no idea why. Do you have any movies where you don't even understand why you like it so much?

Horror movie idea: Literally exactly as things are right this moment.

Movie idea: Remake "Driving Miss Daisy" in the "Fast & Furious" universe

"I was only involved with the criminal financial part of Epstein's dealings, not the other stuff" will be an interesting position a lot of these guys are going to take.

The Bari Weiss ratings flops will continue until morale improves.

It's going to be mind-blowing when it turns out that the president is really Andy Kaufman.

Avatar Avatar: The Way of Water Avatar: Fire and Ash Avatar: Passing of the Gas Avatar: Solid as a Rock Avatar: Perfectly Plasma

Why would anyone want to enter public service if they couldn't do insider trading?

"Look, we could take care of the penis no problem. The testicles are gonna cost you extra. We can throw in the undercarriage coating for free though."

Just atrocious Giving classic 2016-2020 vibes

Letting right-wing podcasters run the world is not optimal.

The Golden Age of Bluesky focused on two things: 1. Alf hog 2. big boat got stuck We were just kids then. Those we heady times, not a care in the world...

Long story short, I'm not allowed to be the person who is supposed to be the "catcher" in any more trust falls.

ME: So... would you like to go back to my place? HER: Sure. ME: Great. Here's my key. I'm going to go meet some other people and be there in about 2 hours. I think there's a Fresca in the fridge.

I always check the plane for snakes. Safety first.

A clean paper plate? Sure, "Your Majesty."

LAWYER: When I move you move? WITNESS: Just like that. COURTROOM: *murmur murmur* JUDGE: Order! Order! One more outburst and I will clear this courtroom! LAWYER: I have nothing further.

I thought that having ICE arrest every single immigrant whether here legally or illegally would free up jobs for "real Americans." But the unemployment rate and jobs report couldn't be any worse. Maybe I misunderstood things?

FYI, it's pretty easy to buy Cabbage Patch Kids this holiday season. I guess the craze is finally over.