Use the time that the floor isn't lava wisely.

If only we used to have sort of a nuclear "deal" with Iran. Oh well.

I should call her...

Her: I’m starving, let’s go to Waffle House Me: Sure, just let me throw on my-

100% of people who say it's their birthday at a restaurant are lying for free cake.

Not a single person who was ever told to "calm the fuck down" has ever calmed down, let alone "the fuck down."

If they make me come into the office, then they have to expect I will wear a fishnet shirt and leather pants. That's the deal.

It does not appear that the union is in a good state.

John Paul George Ringo

The amount of drugs they are pumping into him tonight to make it through this speech would kill anyone other than Keith Richards

Bad Bunny can do the funniest thing tonight

okay... this cheered me up - combo punch from @bcdreyer.social @jakevig.bsky.social and the killshot from @jelvisweinstein.bsky.social 😂😂😂

I love being able to not give a shit about men's Olympic hockey.

SOTU? more like STFU

No one could have predicted that the scene in "The Office" when Michael Scott declares bankruptcy would essentially become how the White House sets international economic policy.

ME: Nice gate. BALDUR: It's ok I guess.

(pirate playing chess) checkmatey

THEM: It's not funny. Please don't laugh. ME:

I despise nutrition grifters, and I really like this video

"Just asking questions" 🤝 "Just blocking you"

Any Dem clapping at the SOTU should step down.

Yet More Even Action Movies I Made Up: 20. Deep Grave 19. Gone with the Winchester 18. Skewed Justice 17. Righteous Knuckles 16. Revenge Squad 15. Karate Karnival 14. Not In My Town 13. Vigil Patrol 12. The Quick and the Slow 11. Next Stop, Fisticuffs

Top Ten Action Movies I Made Up: 10. Fast Target 9. Sudden Burn 8. Escape from Bushwack Trail 7. Bobcat Alley 6. Karate Fu 5. Cable Car 4. Light the Fuse 3. The Devil’s Glacier 2. Son of Motorcycle Mama 1. Explosion Delivery Service

DO NOT watch the SOTU. Just don't. No reason to. "Resist," but for real for once.

I've got so much love to strategically withhold.

Always make time to let other people know you're too good for them.

When the neighbor is at his limit

"Grok: The Cybertruck of AI"

I have done more research for social media posts than I ever did in my 15 years of college."

"This is Texas. And around here we know that daffodils would never be put in the same bouquet as hyacinths." - from "Walker: Texas Arranger"

Yelling "get a room!" at people checking into hotels

Jared "Lil' Netanyahu" Kushner to decide if we attack Iran. (We will)

For every Epstein suspect that the British arrest, the United States of America will promote one Epstein suspect to an untouchable position.

More and more like 2016-2020 Twitter every day

The Gen X urge to wear Drakkar Noir cologne

NYT: England and the United States clearly have very different views on holding pedophiles accountable. Here's why they're both right.

Yes, he knew he was a good boy. But how good?

Cooper sharp cheese is really having a moment. Good for it!

"No, you're thinking of my cousin, the Count." - Marquis Dracula

The first people who saw snow must have freaked the fuck out.

Famous people or public figures who interject themselves into sports championships are such weak losers. Cheer in the stands if you are a fan. Stay the fuck out of the locker room and away from the trophy that real athletes won.

Just reading and responding to mean tweets

He ran a solid campaign and really connected with people.

Please use my tax dollars to send everyone working for federal law-enforcement agencies to sporting events.

Of all the things that will never happen, so many are not going to happen very soon.

I cannot hear a report about a blizzard without thinking "Delicious."

Ten movies to get to know me by: 1. "Kill Before Dying" 2. "She's Gotta Stop Having It" 3. "Cousin-In-Laws" 4. "Midnight At Dusk" 5. "Payback's Revenge" 6. "Shoot to Miss" 7. "You've Got Unopened Texts" 8. "Pizza Rodeo" 9. "Room Temperature" 10. "The Final Infinity"

The hockey game was fun, but anything the White House touches, kills it for me. I tried really hard not to let it, but it did.

They say some people only use 10% of their phone battery.

What people don't realize about the RFK Jr. pics: Those aren't jeans.