PRODUCER: our new show is about a ragtag group of mutant ninja turtles STUDIO EXEC: HOW OLD ARE THEY

This is the most nervous I’ve been about a semi since I watched brokeback mountain

Has he, aye

Really sad to hear that Meg Cox has died. She was an fine poet with many different registers. This poem of hers remains a top-notch, acerbic critique of the scene...!

Although I often disagreed with the chimp who tore my child's face off and wore it as a little hat to impress the other chimps, I was nevertheless sad to hear etc., etc.

I find UFC horrific. Why would you want to watch a man being beaten to a paste, unless it’s Conor McGregor? It’s barbarism, pure and simple. If this is your idea of fun, laughing and cheering while a fellow human being is terrorised and humiliated, I feel sorry for you, unless it’s Conor McGregor.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m not good at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

Ha, I understand how these rumours get started but I assure you I'm not a robot anywhere.

Just realised that Joni Mitchell's classic isn't 'Both Sides Now' but 'Both Sides, Now', like a school principal summoning warring factions to her office.

RIP bonnie tyler. lotta folks tonight are gonna learn the extent to which 'total eclipse of the heart' is outside their karaoke range

I’ll let you look at my Pornhub search history before I let you look at my iPhone calculator history.

I love when foreign newspapers have easily translatable headlines. Big picture of Trump and something like ‘IMBECILO CORRUPTO’.

Old country music: I murdered a cop because he knew too much. New country music: I back the blue and accidentally put salt in my coffee because I cant read.

Wow, so Sepp Blatter was just John the Bapshit.

Trump's Fete Worse Than Death, and philistines vs art. open.substack.com/pub/joelmorr...

Non-morning person, logging on...

My favourite book is the Bible because the same thing happened to me

All right, it’s time I stopped trying to understand the relationships in House of the Dragon. Late last night I convinced myself that King Aegon was his own mother-in-law.

I don’t understand how fantasy authors create whole worlds with deep histories, complex dynasties, languages, customs, fauna, and all the rest. I just got to the end of a short story and realised I had two characters called Alan.

Josh did miss Catherine every now and then, but mostly he was pretty happy with the trade.

Some help required. Daughter lost her very special to her Coraline Cat (pictured) at the Kneecap Crystal Palace gig on Saturday night last. Incredibly long shot but means a lot to her. Any and all help very welcome. Pictured at the gig and previously visiting Big Ben.

‘Say yes and never do it’ Mel Brooks knew how to deal with the studios

To hell with this. I live in IRELAND. I shouldn’t be out here worrying about the level in my water bottle like Bear fucking Grylls.

hailstones are always the size of something else

Back on the other site, years ago, there was a thread about the most pretentious thing people had ever overheard. Someone said they witnessed a guy at an ice cream van asking for 'two Magna'.

forums are still good

We're about 72 hours out from Trump saying the Reflecting Pool is SUPPOSED to be green.

Everybody shut up and look at this cool bird.

Surely following the news that Jeffrey Donaldson has been found guilty of child sex abuse charges and rape, there will be an outcry and protests tonight in the streets of Belfast? Funny how all of the protect our women and girls pages on Facebook are awfully quiet isn’t it? #Speirgorm

'If this is your first term as an MP, you HAVE to be Prime Minister.'

Aw! Beautiful message from my daughters on my Father’s Day card: ‘We have come to accept that you are probably doing your best.’

val kilmer’s turn in TOP SECRET is one of the single best comedy performances ever committed to film, both in terms of comic precision and mechanical virtuosity. just watch this whole clip in its entirety; it’s stunning

Hoping there's another sign at the end labelled </FOOT PATH>

RIP Mark Rothko. You would have loved how the hydrogen peroxide bleach is only turning the Reflecting Pool blue around the perimeter

Tapping the YES button with a flourish when the checkout asks if I want to donate 15p to charity because there’s an attractive woman behind me in the queue

I just—like, sure, being a trillionaire is cool I guess but what’s it all for if you haven’t even seen the wreckage of the titanic firsthand

guy has a trillion dollars, 0 friends, and has never landed a joke. I know a pact with the devil when I see one.

I've been a broken record on this for three years and I'll be a broken record for as long as that fucking website exists: X is a viciously racist far-right organising platform that ONLY WORKS because a huge number of centrists, lefties and progressivs cannot stop propping it up

When someone is murdered. I have zero interest in the nationality of the murderer unless it is known without doubt that the it was a race related murder. Ditto for any other serious assault. The media now reports the nationality as a matter of course. It clearly makes everything worse.

They started using ‘compute’ as a noun, and we let them. We just let them.

It’s social media’s fault. Everyone’s sad all the time because we weren’t meant to know how many of our fellow humans are fucking morons.

“At times Beyond Black reads like Kafka’s Metamorphosis in its determinedly domestic treatment of the extraordinary.” A few years ago I wrote this about Hilary Mantel’s ghost story of commuter belt Britain, and how it touched on things very personal to her:

The 7th stage of being invited to a wedding.

Come on, Vanilla Ice. Do the right thing. Think of your fan.

Simple solution to the publishing AI crisis. We just need a law saying any passage, quote, or other text produced by AI or with AI assistance must prominently include the words "Bleep blorp."

I can't do psychedelics dude sometimes I get freaked out by a font