Nothing deadens the spirits like realising too late you’ve ended a work email with a chirpy ‘Thank!’

Me: Now, come on! Surely that one's just a hilarious childhood anecdote? Therapist: Once again, no.

Life is pretty grim these days, but we have one thing going for us. At least the boys have finally left town. That was- ... Oh, here comes Phil Lynott! Hey, Phil, good to see you. Any news?

Still makes me laugh

SCULLY: It's impossible. There's no one on earth who could teach you to fit that many marshmallows in your mouth. MULDER: Daff righ...... No one...... on urff...

maybe i am going insane

Columbo in his first episode looks like a dog that's just come back from the groomer

It's becoming clear that I'm never going to be a wealthy gadabout. I know I could try gadding about on a budget but come on, what's the point.

Shot + chaser

'Told Trump', lol

The "liver, fava beans and a nice chianti" line in Silence Of The Lambs is a little joke for psychiatrists in the audience - those foods cannot be consumed with the meds (monoamine oxidase inhibitors) that Lecter is supposed to be taking.

People complain about Trump like LBJ wasn't also obsessed with ball room. www.youtube.com/watch?v=tiDx...

[me during a relaxing massage] am I lying here wrong I think I’m doing it wrong is she mad at me???

When I see something beautiful ruined - litter in a park, say - I always think of Daphne’s family showing up in Frasier.

Flight Attendant: No animals on board Me: He’s my therapy parrot Parrot: Back off, she needs me. Which is her mother's fault

‘That’s right, honey. You put your tooth under your pillow and a supernatural being takes it in the night. What do they do with all those teeth? We don’t know. Sleep tight.’

[donut shop] Boss: I finally did it Worker: You sold secretly MDMA-laced donuts to customers?? Boss: Just a couple [squad car] Cop: I wanna be firm with perps but detached, without anger Cop2: Your wisdom's a gift. I'm so lucky I'm your partner Cop: I'M THE LUCKY ONE

Frankenstein challenges us to look in the mirror and ask ourselves ’If I was a big scary guy made out of bits of dead fellas, would I too be all mad about it?’

'It's called The Cones of Dunshire.'

There's genuinely something desperately sad about tech bros constantly trying to offload their thinking, their feeling, their entire fucking life on the mechanical turk of the day. They seem to think the point of living is to do as little of it as possible.

Okay, that's a good start. Now release the Kelly Rowland Excel Spreadsheets.

Well, it's a little clearer now why billionaires are so invested in technology that produces better written emails.

Mike Johnson is going to have not seen THE SHIT out of this.

Every corporate email

Joyce Carol Oates is going to have a fucking stroke.

My doctor said I'm a serious heart-throb! Or something to that effect. I wasn't really listening.

Ew gross Chris Cuomo with his new moustache looks like…and I know you’ll know what I mean…he looks like someone who would try to seduce Marge at a theme park and she has the major ick and in the car on the way home Homer remarks that the guy was really cool.

Counterpoint: You absolutely can have him waking up in the shower and saying it was all a dream. Probably with a sexy lady! You know what he’s like.

Love being reminded to do this every year. It's a win/win all round

It's so delicious that Musk has been destroyed by Joyce Carol Oates, the very writer who recently ousted Cormac McCarthy as Trump's favourite.

I will peel a carrot or I will wash a carrot but no way am I doing both. Pastor: These are very unusual vows.

Terry Griffiths vs Cliff Thorburn. The Crucible, 1983.

"You may not know this, but there exists, among certain cohorts of the public, a perception that Ireland’s political establishment and media establishment are too intimately connected. And what on Earth would give them that idea?" Happy Saturday, it's time to read my column.

‘I’m no hero, I just acted on instinct,’ I explain to the TV news people when they come to interview me about being caught on CCTV trying to escape the bank robbery by using an old woman as a human shield.

It's not the heartburn itself that I mind so much as the day-long singing of 'Gaviscon, oh GavisCONNNN' to the tune of Galveston that inevitably accompanies it.

Wondering why no one likes your posts anymore, even among your friends? It's because @jay.bsky.team and team have decided to hide a huge amount of content from all of our feeds by default. Here's how to turn it off. First go to the hamburger menu in the upper left corner

House opposite is getting their roof retiled. Lads just walking about up there, cool as a breeze, like it was nothing. I could never do that because I have a terrible fear of work.

My friend is a heart surgeon and sometimes she sneaks me in and lets me have a go. Surprisingly tricky!

I see a lot of people mocking this. You're all just jealous you don't have the $2.99 it takes to pull it off.

Ugh, now I'm supposed to care that there's a new mayor in some American town no one's ever even heard of.

Wait, I was celebrating my dominatrix finally releasing me from my dick chain, what are you guys so happy about?

For many of us, the Irish electoral cycle really only has two phases: 'Can't wait to vote these fuckers out' and 'Oh no, not these fuckers again'.

Fired after one day on the building site. My brick glue was ‘runny’ and ‘not called that’ and my wall icing ‘uneven’ and ‘not called that’.

Good morning. I don't know who did this, but I love you.