I think I’ve finally nailed how to spell Tylenol

Quote with your reaction to getting left behind during the rapture:

damn I cant believe its kiss bears week

When I see a like notification from certain mutuals I feel like my work here is done

I'm a bitch I'm a lover if you're mean I'll tell your mother

An augmented reality app for nerds to hook-up called Pokémon HO

Thrilled to report I’ve just about had it

Breathing exercises for your tense butthole

rapture happened if you can read this you are gay

All in all I had a pretty good rapture, organization was poor but the snacks were nice

Fuck fall and the pumpkin spice latte it rode on.

I just masturbated twice in the span of 30 minutes and I gotta say I have no idea why Christians make such a big deal about the second coming.

My rapture outfit

Based on the traffic I’m sitting in this morning, I think it’s fair to say the rapture missed most of the world’s assholes.

The 2025-6 hockey season started this week, just 11 days before the 2024-5 season ends.

I put baby oil on my screen so I can skeet faster.

don’t do it, it’s a booby trap! “i know, but it also might be a booby”

I hope everyone’s spleen is okay tomorrow.

the makers of tylenol should sue and make them prove it

SURVEY: We value your feedback! ME: Brother, you do not want this.

Every time I open my damn mouth

subtly downgrade a band System of a Down for a nap

Real friends don’t interrupt your banshee mid scream

They never should have let us watch Andor

Beef jerky edible underwear

Fuck Tylenol, microdose THC gummies during the workday like an adult

tomorrow only - exclusive rapture special: 2 dogs, fries and a drink for $9.95 tax included

butt chugging NyQuil is still ok

not gonna lie i hope some of you get raptured im tired of your shit

The follow-up feature on my email is harsh. I’ll get a notification and I think it’s a reply to my email but instead it’s my phone being like “hey loser, here’s a reminder that last Wednesday you sent an email to four people and not a single one of them replied.”

can i offer you shrek 2 on dvd in these trying times

I'm think I'm going to dress up as someone who is both mentally and financially stable for Halloween

True patriots don’t ask others to choose between football and their funeral.

*finger guns you with my middle fingers*

Nobody puts their back into it because they can do it anymore and that’s sad

Hey gurl, what that *Saturday morning cartoon octopus tentacle sound* do?

Me: **sneezes** Credit Scores: **drops 37 points**

Snacks at my place after the rapture.

“Trix are so dangerous we won’t even give them to rabbits!”

If nobody saw you eat it or skeet it, it never happened.

*shakes phone* y’all up?

Remember to ask the preacher to point to the verse in the Bible where Jesus said to hate those people

Fuck nudes… send me your hit list

Do I Look Fat? - a murder mystery

Sometimes after you've been asleep for two days you realize it's been four days, not two.

I'm always my authentic self, and apparently that's not great for marriage.

I’m employed. Could somebody please explain the latest Bluesky drama?

SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE TERROR OF BEING ALIVE