After reading the lyrics to Informer on Spotify, I am even more confused about what Snow is saying.

My ex wife is like a men’s room at a dive bar: Constantly in need of attention Can never quite get rid of its smell Lets multiple guys inside at once

I can humbly confirm that I’m just winging it.

Babies are so weak. You don't hear me crying every time I crap my pants

Told my wife I couldn't watch the new Frankenstein movie because I was Igoraphobic lol and she threw me out of a moving car.

Netflix and stop talking to me tryna hear what they’re sayin

i call my bf, Mr. E, cuz he’s quite an enigma . folks,,

(2 billion years ago) genie: are you sure? prokaryote: (introducing evil into the world) uhhuh. more nutrient . pls

Me, as a therapist: Have you considered not being sad?

The opportunity to tell the worst person you know to fuck off without any consequences is an underrated genie wish.

Every day is leg day when you're a centipede.

My horoscope called me a first responder to a false alarm and like okay true but also rude shut up

My wife says I’m like the NYT Connections game: Frustrating, annoying, and I often make no sense. But she’s going to keep doing me.

It's 10 days till my birthday if anyone would like to get me the will to live

Accidentally had my crocs in sport mode and got offered a scholarship to play cornhole at ASU.

Why are they called maxi pads and not discharge papers?

Hello, police? My daughter is wearing my clothes while telling me I have no style.

Swim up pool bars are a great idea until you realize none of the other patrons are getting out of the pool to pee.

Accurate.

[speed date] me: how do you do date: do what ? me: RING THE BELL RING THE FUCKEN BELL RING THE B

Me, with no evidence whatsoever, “omg she hates me”

English was meant to be broken.

I'll be keeping you in my second thoughts.

Sex so bad you go instead of come

Sorry for what I called you when I had to pee really badly.

I don’t trust people who wake up and immediately start talking.

Pun like everything is intended.

If the far side was made today it would be called the middle

Sex so bad you leave the family reunion.

i need 7 more followers for ocd reasojs

[Blind Date] Her: "I'm sorry but you don't really look like your profile picture" Incredible Hulk: "Oh yeah?! Well, the traffic getting here was a nightmare"

Sure, shitting your pants in public is embarrassing but have you ever gone back and looked at what you posted on Facebook in 2009.

DNR > snooze button

Reason 101.. Why I'm late. Couldn't decide if my shirt was navy blue or black.

Gonna use that stupid AI movie generator thing to put Marilyn Monroe in Titanic. She plays the iceberg.

Nearly fell asleep sat at my desk. Absolutely crushing this Wednesday, guys.

Awake And Mad About It: A Memoir

Nausea! At The Office

Look, you simply cannot expect me to maintain executive function while *gestures at everything* THIS is happening.

Real Housewives of Bsky Dot App

what do you mean it’s $4 to add fries? are we talking about the same thing that barely got ireland through a famine?

idk about that guy hes always too excited to give his grandpa a bath

asking my butler to pull up old celebrity tweets like they're vintage wine, like "I'll have a 2011 Shaquille"

They should invent a social media platform that isn't evil

I’ve been walking around the office with a piece of paper for so long, no one here realizes it’s all I do

Dysfunctional families.... the gift that keeps on giving.

Me: Do you think Mr. Potato Head’s wife knew he had no legs or was she surprised when he took his shoes off? Therapist: [5 minutes into my session] I’m sorry, our time is up

I'm gonna fix everything with margaritas with queso. Successfully.