I vote yes!

Shana Tova to all who celebrate.

Barista: What’ll be today? Me: How about a light roast? Barista: You’re ugly and your mama dresses you funny. Me: Not bad. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the medium roast.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Just like water through concrete, anxiety finds a way in.

me: ok time to do the thing adhd: we’re gonna do anything but the thing me: seriously we have to do the thing adhd: holy shit but look at that thing me: oh shit you’re right look at at it, and what about that thing…

Thank you but I wasn't looking for a blessed day just not a messed day.

If I share a reel with you, there is a 99% chance I haven’t listened to the audio.

I always get a little skeptical when someone says they “literally died.”

You don’t have to tell me it’s going to rain; my knee told me hours ago.

My name is Graham Platner and I’m running for US Senate to defeat Susan Collins and topple the oligarchy that’s destroying our country. I’m a veteran, oysterman, and working class Mainer who’s seen this state become unlivable for working people. And that makes me deeply angry.

Maybe the t-rex was so mean because they could never hug the others.

I don’t have it in me to argue. I don’t have it out of me either.

I'm officially "gets hurt bowling" years old.

If you can fix it, don’t stress… you can fix it. Just do the work. If you can’t fix it, don’t stress.. you can’t fix it. There’s nothing you can do. And other things I tell myself….

It's imperative that I leave work at exactly 5 o'clock and not one minute later so that I can get home as soon as possible and do absolutely nothing

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DOUBTED ME WHEN I WAS A KID: you called it, congrats

No one wished me a Happy Middle Child Day, but that’s ok because I’m used to being forgotten.

Are you actually funny or is it the trauma taking one for the team

Ok but does anyone know how to get rid of the monster who eats the Tupperware lids?

The bug spray took off my temporary tattoo but I tried my best to be cool about it.

Can’t help but wonder why I’ve never been surveyed for Family Feud. You’d think they’d get to everyone eventually.

I'm so old that if I became a rapper, I'd call myself Knee Pain.

yelling no horseplay at people minding their own business at the landromat

Maybe something did happen on Y2K and we just missed it

I buy all my clothes from Colorforms.

accidentally walked up to the wrong car in the parking lot and was too embarrassed so i just got in and drove away

Why are people still buying duvets? Haven’t you had enough disappointment in your life or do you need a daily reminder that you can’t even put a blanket on the right way?

At the point in my life when I have realized that one of my ears is my "good" ear.

I’m open to new experiences as long as they’re familiar and don’t involve leaving the house

Accidentally swam with a stingray today. All I could think of was Steve Irwin did this for fun and died, so I’m definitely a goner.

Please remember to check the sidewalk temperature before you take your pooch for a walk. Delicate beans need protection.

The bats in my belfry woke me up. They were returning my loose screws but I really need my lost marbles.

me: do you have capn crunch in a box? grocery store clerk: uh yeah me: well you’d better let him out then

my glasses make me look smort

Coworker: it feels like we’re making progress as a society Me: progression towards a dictatorship under authoritarian rule, perhaps

I’ve packed so much for our trip, but you know my kids will only ask for the one thing I forgot.

I'm not quite what I thought I was. Then again, I may be more.

[Looking at old photos] I remember when that top used to fit me

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

If I ever tell you I’m not in the mood to listen to music, call the authorities because that was a cry for help

Who needs a Sugar Daddy when a Sugar Uncle will do

I’m sure a beach house could fix me.

if anyone has multiple millions of dollars can i have one milion dollars, please?

I don't ask for much just eternal night

fabulous turn of events I mutter as I discover they’ve given me an extra container of rice by mistake it doesn’t get much better than this

You can’t safety dance your way out of this one, you little shit.

Whoever has my voodoo doll, maybe throw a forehead kiss or two my way

Oh, you hate being a member of an organized group? Join the club.