Ah yes, January 6th, the day we celebrate no consequences for our actions

Boss: that's the third time you've been late this week. What do you think we should do about this? Me: stop counting

Sometimes I think my optimism is a curse, but then I remember that, “I am an optimist!” and that means it’s obviously a blessing.

I'll never be your beast of bourbon

Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad? Me: Ice cream

No, YOU struggle with anxiety! I just let it win.

Holiday break is around the corner and I will be sending my high school students home with supplies, snacks, and gift cards to places they can walk to. Link is for my classroom wishlist or if you dislike Amazon, feel free to use my Venmo @LDteach or Cashapp $LDteach www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/...

Edgar Allan Poe didnt get hungry, he got ravenous.

At this point, I feel like I’m at least half shortbread cookie…but I’m no quitter.

Me listening to Madama Butterfly while waiting in line to pay for my ice breakers

Never even once seen myself in the Popular with friends feed and honestly wtf guys

Brain awake but body wants cozy

imitation crab is the sincerest form of flattery crab

Don’t forget all men named Michael are half off tomorrow.

My heart is breaking for my students They already have to battle housing insecurity, food insecurity, mental & physical health insecurity, and now one of the only things they can count on, SNAP Benefits, won’t be accessible to them. Kids shouldn’t go to bed hungry This country is a disgrace

we need some new 90’s music

You have to work it to make them grow* *Bluesky follows

There are people who will light a candle when you’re stuck in the dark and there are others who will cover the windows to block out even the light of the moon.

Think I’ll go put on a cool hat and drink some red wine with ice cubes…RIP Diane Keaton

John Cena serenading me between setups while shooting the extra-long #Peacemaker Finale, which airs tomorrow night on HBO Max.

We can’t lose Dolly! Someone get an ouija board & ask Betty White to do something from the other side. Find your old troll dolls and rub their heads. Search for four-leaf clovers and make a wish. This woman deserves more than prayers!

I’ve had one of those days that make you second guess all the choices that have brought you to second guess all your choices.

When your friends are planning a spa day, but you’re a teacher in the US, so you say, “Have a great time and send pics!” Instead of saying, “Count me in!”

I vote yes!

Shana Tova to all who celebrate.

Barista: What’ll be today? Me: How about a light roast? Barista: You’re ugly and your mama dresses you funny. Me: Not bad. Maybe tomorrow I’ll get the medium roast.

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

Just like water through concrete, anxiety finds a way in.

me: ok time to do the thing adhd: we’re gonna do anything but the thing me: seriously we have to do the thing adhd: holy shit but look at that thing me: oh shit you’re right look at at it, and what about that thing…

Thank you but I wasn't looking for a blessed day just not a messed day.

If I share a reel with you, there is a 99% chance I haven’t listened to the audio.

I always get a little skeptical when someone says they “literally died.”

You don’t have to tell me it’s going to rain; my knee told me hours ago.

My name is Graham Platner and I’m running for US Senate to defeat Susan Collins and topple the oligarchy that’s destroying our country. I’m a veteran, oysterman, and working class Mainer who’s seen this state become unlivable for working people. And that makes me deeply angry.

Maybe the t-rex was so mean because they could never hug the others.

I don’t have it in me to argue. I don’t have it out of me either.

I'm officially "gets hurt bowling" years old.

If you can fix it, don’t stress… you can fix it. Just do the work. If you can’t fix it, don’t stress.. you can’t fix it. There’s nothing you can do. And other things I tell myself….

It's imperative that I leave work at exactly 5 o'clock and not one minute later so that I can get home as soon as possible and do absolutely nothing

TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DOUBTED ME WHEN I WAS A KID: you called it, congrats

No one wished me a Happy Middle Child Day, but that’s ok because I’m used to being forgotten.

Are you actually funny or is it the trauma taking one for the team

Ok but does anyone know how to get rid of the monster who eats the Tupperware lids?

The bug spray took off my temporary tattoo but I tried my best to be cool about it.

Can’t help but wonder why I’ve never been surveyed for Family Feud. You’d think they’d get to everyone eventually.

I'm so old that if I became a rapper, I'd call myself Knee Pain.

yelling no horseplay at people minding their own business at the landromat

Maybe something did happen on Y2K and we just missed it

I buy all my clothes from Colorforms.

accidentally walked up to the wrong car in the parking lot and was too embarrassed so i just got in and drove away