if the only tool you have is a dildo everything looks like a hole

*flashes the jury while the judge isn't looking*

ME: You want to see a dead body? HAMBURGER HELPER GLOVE: sure

lately it's been "you must have been a beautiful puppy" to the tune of "you must have been a beautiful baby" (think looney tunes)

Tantric sex always seemed disrespectful to me. If Sting loitered in my pussy for 12 hours I would call the police. Not his buddies, the real police. The wife beating ones.

Sometimes, the dump takes you

*flashes the jury while the judge isn't looking*

those people could always just rapture themselves

keyboard that makes sounds like a crackling fire when you press on the keys

the phrase "unboxing experience" really pisses me off

things kind of stink now but you basically dont have to hear that pearl jam song "jeremy" anymore ever unless you actively want to hear it. it used to be you would be hear eddie vedder hooting like five or six times a day and you were powerless to stop it

2 quarts of jalapeño, tabasco, and scorpion peppers, garlic, and salt. letting it ferment for a while before i add vinegar

the phrase "unboxing experience" really pisses me off

i would have etched something fun and witty on my bullets

i like to image all of you are muppets

oh yeah took this earlier if you want to look upon it

i hope my enemies have a bad evening

I THINK I'LL HAVE A THIRD CUP OF COFFEE

oh, yeah, consolidate my fucking debt, daddy

those people could always just rapture themselves

Throwing a rat AT my enemies, but throwing a rat TO my friends

WHAT: Jil Sander (spring 2026) OCCASIONS: bonsai tree pruning or telling your lover, at a fjord edge, “We shall now pursue different paths. Haunted by one another but looking at different horizons.” IF IT WERE A SCENT: sliced blueberry in an operating room EMOTIONAL RANGE: N/A #MJMfashionGuide

2 quarts of jalapeño, tabasco, and scorpion peppers, garlic, and salt. letting it ferment for a while before i add vinegar

can't decide between dreaming about an air-cooled bonneville or a water-cooled bonneville

might treat myself to a little lonesome despondency 💅🏼

Live, Laugh, Lug 13 barrels of fertilizer into the back of a Ryder rental truck in April of 1995

oh yeah took this earlier if you want to look upon it

They should make an episode of dora the explorer where she smokes a cigarette

mentally ill implies the existence of womenshorty healthy

jimmy kimmel's career is so important to me

i was thinking about never posting again so that everyone would think i got raptured for all of my good deeds and piety but i couldn't do it for even an hour

i got raptured but then they sent me home for being slutty :(

remember that when you get raptured your clothes stay behind but anything in your pussy, mouth, or butthole you can take with you

that hibachi place shrimp sauce is like gay mayonnaise

Aleve gives you crabs

maybe it's from growing up with just two and a half broadcast channels that could reach us on the mountain but paying for teevee is crazy to me

*under Merlin's robe giving him a blowy while he transmutes some lead into gold for me*

SCOOP - ice cream yum!

rfk jr should bring back opium dens

tiktok sounds like The Place to Be if you’re into believing stupid shit

i got raptured but then they sent me home for being slutty :(

the Beatles never had a Hey Ya

I don’t typically believe in stereotypes but my black cat does start purring every time I stand over a bubbling cauldron

halloween costume idea: slutty james cromwell

*under Merlin's robe giving him a blowy while he transmutes some lead into gold for me*

if someone tells you "calm down bro she's not going to fuck you" in reference to me then you shouldn't calm down because maybe i will fuck you, who knows

Xfiles understood the three type of nerd. Hippy, square, pervert

remember that when you get raptured your clothes stay behind but anything in your pussy, mouth, or butthole you can take with you

reading my book about serial killers and laughing at the funny parts

raising my sons to be gooners