my husband's a real sexual matador. every time I think I'm finally gonna get to penetrate him he squirms away at the last second, all the while scheming about how to kill me in front of a crowd and be lauded for it.

the Beatles never had a Hey Ya

don't yuck my yum just because YOU don't enjoy the camps

*trying to make conversation* wow i love your books. they all have such nice covers *not wanting to seem shallow* which of course means jack shit

the new skate. is so fucking good you have no idea

in a land of urinals he was a fountain

Oxford team trawling the Mediterranean uncovers never-before-heard voicemail left by Christ

who'll will give my fifty bucks if I eat this entire apple in 10 minutes (no core/seeds/stem don't be gross)

pioneering certain shit; falling behind the cutting edge in other areas.

if I was a child I would refuse to play Roblox...I would have an iron will.

george lucas made a three film opus about how a combination of tariffs, incels, and anxiety would give rise to fascism and we all made fun of him smfh

This explains it better than I can

Vehicles have classic mileage

Here are some things that Charlie Kirk said in his life. The man is dead, and so it only seems fair to share his legacy by cataloguing the values he spread while alive.

spotify link to an AI generated string quartet cover of imagine dragons

it's jumperall humpday, y'all

hmm.

snacking from a ziplock baggy of Plump 'n' Punctuals

we all got that one friend whose cursive G's are still laughable

Nepo baby who feels like they have to lie to seem legit: See, I see these beings, like angels, and they come and help me write my songs. It scares me sometimes. Interviewer: Wow, like hallucinations? Have you ever seen anybody about these? Nepo baby: Oh no. No no no. I’m talking cutely. Cute style

folks what if instead of Half Life 2 it was Shelf Life 2 and it was about a jar of peanut butter at Black Mesa going bad in ways we can't even begin to comprehend

RIP Mark Volman, founding member of The Turtles and one half of Flo & Eddie (pictured here - Mark is on the left, Howard Kaylan on the right). I was fortunate enough to do some of my very first live performances as an opening act for Flo & Eddie in 1983 at the Bottom Line in NYC.

Some thoughts about the Great Khan heading into Chicagoland's big Reverse Fort Sumter weekend.

seeing this $200 million Paramount Bari Weiss deal should really make ppl rack focus. $200 million for what should equate to a braindead zionist Substack nobody. $200 million. LeBron’s biggest contract was $104 million. is BARI WEISS worth what LEBRON is OR DOUBLE THAT?? NO. INSANE. SAYS A LOT.

Trump Administration moves to ban anyone who speaks Esperanto from owning a firearm. "It would make them too fucking cool," says Whitehouse spox.

don't tell me a cat's name is "Stanley." I only have so much capacity in my heart.

you mix a little black pepper into yogurt, it's essentially oatmeal

They let you keep the puddle after it rains

when the zootopia bunny shaves her armpits it just looks like shit. cause the whole rest of her is hair.

Disney is trying to teach our children that thoughts can crystallize like icy blasts

20 year old guy who says he has transgenerational trauma because his dad saw 9/11 on TV

coming at the king. obviously I'm not planning on missing, but if I do it shouldn't be too big of a deal. catch ya later!

buying an ethically sourced Wi-Fi extender, handmade in small batches by a local woman-owned business

nobody has seen the president in three days [burping and rubbing my president shaped tummy] that’s crazy

the John Mayer of Michael Bublés

Hi authors! Please remember to file a claim!

having a viscy reacky to the phrase visceral reaction being abbreviated

oh I'm sorry playboy I didn't hear your hushed footfalls

I thrifted a pair of jumperalls in England so now I get to say jumperalls

It's really fucked up the news media at large is searching so hard for humanity in machines, while systematically denying humanity to Palestinians, trans people, immigrants, and other persecuted people

certain things have been true for so long they're basically facts at this point

this iconic advertising copywriter named Kathy Hepinstall Parks died over the weekend and I wanted to share something from her website I thought Bluesky would like

Illinois is launching a first-of-its-kind legal hotline for LGBTQ+ individuals — Illinois Pride Connect. As the only state in the nation that will provide free legal advice to protect the LGBTQ+ community, we'll help fight ignorance with information and cruelty with compassion.

avocado is an old wives tale