What was “the incident” in your hive’s spawning crèche?

❌ Cooking a frozen pizza ❌ Baking a frozen pizza ✅ Throwing a pizza in

Bro ate his Wheaties this morning, his sayings have been apt as fuck

When your main dude drops a “to wit:” and you know he’s apt to spit something apt

Poesy is a poetic way of saying poetry

When something’s apt >>>>>>>>

Convertible hearse

I love forming a connection with customer care team specialists

Double dipping is fine. It was just a tv show. The characters were bad people! Not role models!

Just celebrated violence

I’m holding a mirror up to society

My name is Flunch DeToilette

My name is Al Yinirth

Jimmy Kimmel had announced on instagram he would be using the time off to raise a new rescue puppy, now his latest post is a 15 second video of dropping it off on the shoulder of the Hollywood Freeway and driving away. For all of you celebrating.

Mixing all the ingredients from a chef boyardee pizza kit in a bowl and eating it with a spoon

When an internet video starts and it's a young person looking off camera and talking, I panic and flail for the STOP button but I know I'm probably going to have to endure seeing a split-second or two of the same person dressed differently and playing a different person talking to the first person.

my new book is OUT TODAY! it’s been described as "the writer at her best: mystified, curious, pathetic, absurd" — you can buy it here

GALADRIEL: (glowing green) In place of a hard roll, I would have whole wheat—beautiful and terrible to behold! DELI GUY: #3 on wheat. G: (coyly) You offer it to me freely. DG: No, Galadriel. You have to pay. Every day with this

So glad everyone could come together and share their favorite fox news screenshots today

Duke size bed

◻️ My mind, body, and spirit are yours; use me as you please ☑️ I no longer wish to receive promotional messages or special offers from Idiot World

Getting raptured in effigy

Emerging as a being of pure light 🔜

The Squat Copper

Scheduling an 8 am meeting the morning after bar trivia? Imma stop you right there dawg

Was chosen to be raptured but declined

Nobody cares about that. You just make us tired. Go away.

They’re reconstituting me with hot water tomorrow

Zoomers are bringing back loose fitting high waisted pants. Zoomers are bringing back cotton undershirts and hernia trusses and lumbago

I’m monitoring the situation

people/link, internet provider, print ad, imagery (1985) archive.org/details/1985...

-William Shakespeare

They call it a closet because you put your clos in et

I’ve memorized the mona lisa. Its enigmatic beauty has been fully incorporated into my mind palace. No more expensive trips to the louvre, france

The mona lisa solved art

Critics are calling poison “deadly”

People think Trogg is a just another trendy baby name but it actually goes back hundreds of thousands of years

How have I not blocked culture crave yet How have I not blocked chuck schumer yet

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my Super Idiot Drink

Cover band called The Imagined Dragons

Chili’s just hits different in the airport

Not to get political but today should be Friday

Elton John voice: It seems to me / that you lived your life/ like a fuckin piece of shit

It is vitally important that everyone here recognize me as a brilliant political thinker. Also that we stop Trump or whatever

Millennials are minding their own business in the office more than ever. What managers can do about the new trend known as “quiet working”

BREAKING: Frito-Lay is pulling Cheetos off the shelves, on account of their resemblance to a certain mango mussolini in the news

The antichrist doth protest too much