the fridge straight up sounds like a squirrel lmao

acid-washed santa

loaded the dishwasher, washed and dried some laundry, cut mr bisque's hair... time to get high?? mods???

photos by @acat.bsky.social

u may now ascend to the top of the tower 🫴

why is my heirloom tomato penis pic getting all these blue wavers excited?? muted it but 🤔

imagine using whistling for evil...

canned butt (low sodium)

@badposter.lol seeing ur post about ur wife making this inspired me to make it too (washing it down with a modelo)

Studies show most people are unprepared for me to suddenly lunge at them

the screaming is interesting

I act as a host plant for the Lesser Diarrhea Moth

😳

🥺

btw im cracking up that idk what any of these flowers are called lmao

photos by @acat.bsky.social

@stev.bsky.social gm rogs

Please share this story far and wide, not just on this platform, especially if you live in an area with an outbreak right now (like ours in Southest Michigan where there is an official #publichealth department recommendation for early MMR vaccination for babies 6-11 months old right now)

Squirrels be yapping

guy who's too dumb to jack off

walking down a road, pointing stuff out left and right " that's satan, that's satan..."

roz is so damn funny lmao

Anyone in Portland want to see the extremely funny Benny @feldfrog.bsky.social Feldman with me tonight? He's my favorite comedian on earth right now and it's a sold out show!

Wearing a cravat to burger king

imagine ur just a little sock, tumbling around the dryer haha

discovered a stream of ancient rubies under the dryer

nice yeast; nutritional?

a piece of crystallized ginger so powerful that it helps u solve a maze

pulling my cloak tighter and holding my lantern aloft as i brace against the vicious wind "i hope i make it to the litterbox on time"

walking down a road, pointing stuff out left and right " that's satan, that's satan..."

he has the personality of the inside of a brick

while ur up getting coffee, could u just pop into the pantry and poke my work clone? she keeps ignoring the alarms i set on her phone

The spine is like the skeleton of the back

You, 6ft tall, full head of hair: i cant get into these crevices im too big and they snag my hair. Me, 5'6 and bald, emerging from a crevice: yeah I wouldn't know, man

they have been consumed 🐧🐑

i made some guac but had no cilantro on hand, so i made sure to shake my head and sigh the whole time so u know i don't approve

i drink the melt from iced coffee and i vote

"One for The City, two for The Hive, three for The Jelly that keeps us alive, four for The Mayor, five for The Queen, Six for The Hand that remains unseen, Seven for The Cell, 8 for The Wall, and nine for The Gate that guards us all." -Bee Rhyme

A lot of guys with a magic gift card let it go to their heads but not me. Do me a favor and stop making eye contact though? Also crawl around on the ground for me like a bug worm

To say that i 'know how to use the toilet' implies that I theres nothing more I can learn, which I reject

while ur up getting coffee, could u just pop into the pantry and poke my work clone? she keeps ignoring the alarms i set on her phone

Entering the kitchen and a tutorial pops up: [Hint: Combine two or more Pastas to create a Pasta Medley.]

Heavens 2: Betsy

pulling my cloak tighter and holding my lantern aloft as i brace against the vicious wind "i hope i make it to the litterbox on time"

is there any greater dissonance than that between the vibrance and vitality of a ripe apricot and its dried counterpart

a piece of crystallized ginger so powerful that it helps u solve a maze

bump for the afternoon crowd