baby squirrels look like if an acorn dreamed about becoming an animal

I never see a movie without researching whether all the actors and actresses are virgins first

Watching Steven Spielberg Presents Freakazoid! A 90s cartoon about a smart, nerdy 16yo that goes on the internet and it turns him insane and he starts fighting crime with bizarre jokes

YODA: circumcised are you ME: That's a private matter, Yoda. YODA: absent of skin a jedi must be ME: Not interested. Go away, Yoda. YODA: take off your shorts you must YODA: show it to me you will YODA: going where are you YODA: your penis I must see YODA: cut your long pink pipe must be YODA: mmMm

if ur waiting for some type of repair person or tech to come to ur house, u can pay me to come over and take a crap -- that's exactly when they'll arrive :) competitive pricing, call now

Why is every first episode of a show written by a pilot? Why not let a writer write it? Is it a make-A-wish where a pilot pulled a "I wish for more wishes"

I write "everyday" and "anytime" when I MEAN "every day" and "any time" and vice versa

We watched a tori spelling lifetime movie set in miami and i saw an awning in the distance and went straight to the intersection on Maps to verify. Drove by it everyday for years lol

I ran out of tp on the toilet and am delaying the inevitable that i will have to get up and squeeze the cheeks until I get to the tp stockpile. Talking several steps.

when da baby is dusty>>>>>

I don't have a green thumb but i do have a green toe. Hashtag toe

Perfectly circular toilet in the very center of a large room with mirrored walls

Country Girl Breakfast lyrics: She got hugs like hashbrowns and a kiss like grits She got a booty like a biscuit and gravy where it splits

Bonejamin Franklin is my halloween alter ego that appears sometime near halloween at about 1am and Bonejamin Franklin assaults my wife with horrible monster-themed children's jokes for about 50 minutes and hundreds of "jokes"

"Butterhole"

My wife has the type of crazy where she will just put the word "chicken" before, after, or before and after every word. When I tell her that it is crazy behavior she just says "chicken crazy behavior"

When The Collapse happens there will be a number of small city-states across this country whose borders consist of abandoned malls and infertile parking lots

gm, requesting the best of ur vibes for my cancer surveillance scan today 💜

“What is best in life?” “Tacos, flautas, tortas, sopes…”

The day Ronnie James Dio of Dio and Black Sabbath died I ordered a meal at Taco Bell that cost $6.66. They can't handle me up there

We can’t trust anything this regime tells us. Their “science” is fake, their “accomplishments” fake, everything fake. This is a devastating feeling, but it also reveals a deeper truth we must realize: we’ve been lied to by the powerful our entire lives jaredyatessexton.substack.com/p/in-absence...

Her name was Rosemary Sbaby

Gimli is the trav1s Mc3lroy of the Fellowship of the ring

theatrical cut jeans

This is how it's done, France showing the way. The servile brow-beaten Brit would never.

ICE continues to assault us. We are peacefully protesting. They are kidnapping and hurting us.

I found the worst Animorph

it’s friday toot toot

this guy knows ball

I've noticed there are a lot of very bad people everywhere these days being awful and then saying they aren't awful and then other bad people say "ok" and then first bad people do something awful again and say "I'm good though" and then the other 7 billion people suffer

I just freaked my wife out by saying we should have a room full of cushions so I can do more extravagantly goofy and dangerous "bits". That I have been restraining myself in my "bits" and thus the fullfillment of my artist's soul has been dampened

A perfect orb of coca-cola

This photo is from the February 1977 issue of GLAMOUR magazine

When it's 9:16 I say (most times silently) "It's Sacrament o'clock" because 916 is thr area code of Sacramento. This is what my brain is now

I seem to crawl in to the most depressing things when I am very Depressed 2011 = Dark Souls 2019 = Lets watch Evangelion! 2020 = Walking Dead 2022 = Dark Souls 2025 = Bloodborne while watching congressional hearings as American democracy crumbles BUT STILL manages to support active genocide

What is a scroad? A scroad is a member of a far-right online hate group. They split off from the groinks in 2017 after the Glunt War, which took place on fapchan. One of their members is a U.S. senator

The spookiest thing about people is that they have a whole skeleton inside of them. I get so scared when they play their bones like a xylophone

Cops are always trying to "find the guy that pulls the strings" well, dumbfuck, did you ever even LOOK at The Puppetmaster?!

Some good ass ideas tbh

Had a maple bar donut for breakfast and robo licked the frosting and as I cleaned off the licked spot with my finger he licked that too! Then he kept eye contact with me and kept trying to go in for additional licks!!! DJ Khaled he is not

I wrote my own Charlie Kirk obituary, and about valuing truth over manners: www.thenation.com/article/poli...

We watched the anime Lord of the Rings movie last night and we mistook a piece of armor for the stock of a rifle. I joked that there was a small period of time in Middle-Earth where they had guns but even Sauron was like....um, too evil we should get rid of those

I think about this all the time

1. tell them the red stuff is blood 2. let them play spongebob on ipad

Just got a Teams message from someone asking if it is possible yo take text from a computer file and copy that text to another file. Like, can I take text from a Word document and paste it in to another Word Document.........................

Umm remember this? www.newsweek.com/charlie-kirk...

except for the revolutionary war, the civil war, six other presidents shot, a literal coup attempt by the man himself, the second amendment and materially supplying several genocides around the world right now, violence has no place in us politics

Barkday is the communal dog birthday party. My best friend and I started it cause he has memory problems and we were like what's a day you'll never forget that's right September 11 (tho obviously we celebrated slightly early this year) so happy barkday never furget