in french they call drinking water "the little drowning"

This was a rabbit hole I went down while tripping on 4.67 grams of magic mushrooms, 24.9 mg of psilocybin. The dose used in modern clinical trials.

Jandek turned 80 a little while back

Thinking about David Lynch and getting something in my eye

"Bird seed" is actually somewhat of a misnomer, as anyone can eat the seed.

No use crying over spilled milk. you gotta cry about it while it's still in the glass

Don't panic if you find yourself watching a movie. it will be over soon

Getting upset watching E.T. because he's always wanting to go "home" — never to work

Heimlich never saw a penny for his maneuver. But he didn't do it for the money. He did it to hump people

I set up my thermostat so that if it gets below a certain temperature, the heat turns on.

Sarah jessica parker is an anagram of Sarah jerassic parke

He hasn't been seen or heard from since this happened. No one knows where he is

The simpsons should have never left the Tracey Ullman show. that was groening's first mistake..

A good prank would be to hand someone a can of soda upside-down. When they crack it open, it will spill all over their legs 😂🤣

To me, after the second clown gets out of the clown car the gag stops being funny

"Hemorrhoids" sounds so clinical. Just say "ass situation"

Shakespeare wrote that life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.. which may be true, but it's perfect for us "sound and fury" heads

Friendly reminder the Sunday funnies are meant to be read over the whole week. If you finish them all on Sunday you have nothing to look forward to

The new Kill Bill just looks like a rip-off of the first two

If you're not using AI in your posts by now, you're dumb. AI is the future when it comes — to posts.

Dan aykroyd has given up on trying to get Coneheads 2 made and is now concentrating his efforts on Coneheads 3

Used to be fun over there

I was hoping whatever was bursting out of the guy's chest in Alien would be something nice

"And will you be dining for sustenance or pleasure this evening?" How about that's none of your business

Heimlich never saw a penny for his maneuver. But he didn't do it for the money. He did it to hump people

I have a very small mouth. I actually have to use a children's kazoo

Doing a gofundme for my buddy E.T. who's sick

They worldbuilt Christmas

Whore you, the apostrophe police?

It is only after fully watching a comedy, when i've had a chance to carefully review my notes and weigh all the options, that i will then choose the funniest gag and laugh at it

Mr Grabs is the perfect name for the guy, because he "grabs" all the money he can get his strange hands on

I dropped 75lbs on jenny craig and she died

Thought my doctor said anvil when he told me to take an advil and now my headache is even worse

This is what they took from you

"I have one of those faces" — Ed Gein

You just tucked in the wrong guy

RIP Lon Chaney

The "Kubrick stare" ruined staring at your friends and family like this

Honestly a lot of the pies stolen from windowsills were probably taken by animals and not area children. It was a kind of moral panic

So Connect 4 pieces are called "checkers". as if the game wasn't confusing enough already..

My friend is a triple threat. he can do three things

You'd have to be a fool to go along on something called "Franklin's lost expedition"

Turning this off. i thought this was supposed to be about an escape from alcatraz..

I never really understood the appeal of climbing Mount Everest until i found out there's a bunch of dead bodies up there

A good way to meet new people is to hang out by a garbage can

A family embarks on a cruise with Captain Ron

My dad has very thick hair, and i have very fine hair, so it's hard to find a hair style that works for both of us

It's been two years since The Beatles dropped their last single "Now and Then". Let's go guys!

I'm doing E (the guitar chord)

Cheryl Hines should have taken her husband's name and become Cheryl Hines Junior