My new years resolution is to listen to Auld Lang Syne

Kirk: Beam me up Scotty Scotty: I will do it later

Ryan Wedding? More like Ryan Funeral when I'm done with him

2026 PIN number sounding ass year. That's my freaking PIN number

I was going to post Elisabeth Moss talking about how “Fred Armisen’s greatest impression is that of a normal person” but when I looked it up to get the wording right I learned AI has somehow turned it from being a scathing post divorce condemnation to being a really nice complement

He'd be a fool not to lean into it!

@bschl.bsky.social Avatar!

Imagine hearing all about how nimble and quick a guy is, and then for the big demonstration, he barely clears a freaking candlestick

(daft punk One More Time voice) Auld Lang Syne

Hey @oldfriend99.bsky.social can we get an update on this/prediction for 2026?

I'm inventing the phrase "Don't 'raise the roof' and tell me it's the Macarena"

in the director's cut of Home Alone, uncle Frank says, "look what you did, you little cunt." That's the only difference

Stranger things is about to go mainstream.

I'm inventing the phrase "Don't 'raise the roof' and tell me it's the Macarena"

Confiding to my wife after the kids are out of earshot that i really did hear sleigh bells on the roof last night

If your Christmas countdown isn't at zero this morning, I'm sorry but you messed up somewhere

It's not too late to ruin Christmas

Huge red bag when a dude is Santa Claus

Christmas hasn't been the same since i noticed Santa has the same handwriting as my wife

I'll check them out

Reminder: This has been debunked. he was scooping the food back into the tray

If he's the grinch i'd hate to meet the frownch

It takes a big man to admit that he was wrong when he stole christmas

I hope i get the latest gadget for christmas

The "Kubrick stare" ruined staring at your friends and family like this

rambler motel sign, route 66, shamrock, texas, 1982

How does that happen? 😂 It can only happen if you guys have so much fun and are more friends than customer/barber. Sounds like a good time though. Happy Holidays?🎄 From🇩🇰

My dog has the funniest flea 😂

Oh there's a terrifying man from your nightmares lurking out back? Haha let's go check it out. It's just a dream. Anyway, you go first

"The grinch who stole christmas" really buries the lede. the fellow gave it back. and his heart grew 3 sizes, which is a medical miracle

Oh there's a terrifying man from your nightmares lurking out back? Haha let's go check it out. It's just a dream. Anyway, you go first

Retweet if you want your Christmas presents NOW

Steal a windowsill off a pie if you really want to impress me

Chomsky is not wearing his glasses here. He might not have realized it was Jeffrey Epstein

I'm not a Christmas caroler myself but it's hard not to join in on the festive singing when I'm tagging along with my buddies

Guys don't tie women to railroad tracks anymore. They're scrolling on their phones

I'm going to lose it if I'm in the Epstein files

I bet James Cameron can't wait to see his new movie on the big screen

My new year's resolution is to run as fast as i can

Noticing a lot more people tucking in their t-shirts lately. Charlie brown's wretched influence is finally fading..

in the director's cut of Home Alone, uncle Frank says, "look what you did, you little cunt." That's the only difference

I couldn't make Blazing Saddles today. I'm running errands..

I love that "Dirty" Harry Callahan canonically needs a haircut

In home alone, the same actor who plays one of the bad guys plays the cop at the beginning of the movie.

I'll be fine as long as there's no photos of Epstein with Spookey Ruben

If insomnia is affecting your sleep, that's normal. It's what insomnia does

It's so bright out right now.. hard to believe it will be dark come night time

In her honour? Or is it that he's finally allowed to play with them after being told for 50 years: "those aren't toys"

I hate word problems

In her honour? Or is it that he's finally allowed to play with them after being told for 50 years: "those aren't toys"