awake caffeinated gym bag packed wearing swimsuit. I am not choosing to be in a good mood yet

My "agentic" AI son has generated revenge porn of me and inserted it without my knowledge into the church newsletter. But I believe he has learned from his mistake, and even if not, I can barely be mad - we're almost finished formulating our groundbreaking "new geometry" based on "number quimbles".

I bet Dan aykroyd gets slopped off by ghosts so much now he's bored as shit every time. I have his number from catfishing, I could ask

I’m trying to go to sleep early because I‘m exhausted and I booked 7am lap swim but all I can think about is wandering outside and finding some scallion pancakes idc from where

if u ever want the lyrics to any song ever you can count on me and my sisters we got it covered

MY STEPMOM: *stuck in a washing machine* help ME: I got this *googles stepmom stuck in washing machine* what the

@toil.bsky.social thank u for this

Help I’m trying to remember a tweet that’s like “the toad whose land I rent for farming is complaining into the sunset about how his family is down to only one maid” and I know I’m getting the words wrong because I can’t find it. help!!!!

I’m going to engage in illegal activity tonight (dumping some stuff in the construction bins at 1 in the morning)

I have a 100% success rate in getting dog pics. Of course I’d respect a no for any reason or no reason but most people are delighted

Ok

A drum machine that is just the clapping disembodied hands of a murdered drifter

posting for academic purposes

moving in with a roommate after 13+ years of solo living has been surprisingly pleasant. I miss getting naked as soon as I walk in the door but that’s exactly the sort of slovenly/feral behavior I was hoping to curb. I also truly underestimated the benefits of splitting housework

can confirm I’ve sold many of these on eBay

tobias beecher???

(seeing my heap of oily rags begin to spontaneously combust) my rags!

Oh my. This is spectacular. sinceyouarrived.world/taken

Hello, I'm the Washington Post Editorial Board

walking all my usual routes with a cold is wild because it sucks but my baseline was worse than this in 2024-2025. I was always hard on myself for not doing enough stuff but damn, doing stuff blows when you feel bad!!! doing stuff is mostly fine when you feel fine!

Bottle Of Wine by The Fireballs is one of the great one hit wonders. Imo

Making some calls to see how hard it is to make my own gasoline.

Nextdoor might be the only good website left

took NyQuil last night for a head cold and I’m moving like a beautiful dessicated slug today

they’re calling “someone to call my lover” by janet jackson the best song of all time. does it have an unfair advantage due to interpolating not one but two of the other best songs of all time? perhaps. nevertheless! youtu.be/jWd9IgPktA4?...

Riding Great Dane High on that train Scooby doo you better Watch your speed

You do not hate the DOGE people enough. Boys with toys breaking things they were too arrogant and lazy to understand.

good to drive i am

There's also the 13-year-old that van der Kolk describes as "seductive with any male who crossed her path."

I keep hearing that "The Body Keeps The Score" has helped to destigmatize trauma but it consistently describes rape victims in stigmatizing terms: - "Obese and aggressive" - "Lacking in self-protection" - "Frozen and uptight"

will there ever be funnier last words than “counting or not counting gang violence”????

🎶 THE WORLD SHINES AS I CROSS THE MACON COUNTY LINE, GOING TO GEORGIA

thunderstruck sounds like a song the gremlins from gremlins would make if you locked them in a Guitar Center

sudden barometric pressure drop

You used to come across Craigslist posts like, “Seeking roommate/live-in gf. 120 lbs, excellent cook, redhead ideal, LOVES Mario and his games,” like they thought it was inevitable they’d find that exact person. So it’s funny to see them doing this with AIs by telling them they are turbo Aristotle

>> Person w/ gorgeous eyes being like HEY my body is down here 😂 >> they would still want you to look in their eyes it’s what you talk into >> My mother had the most beautiful eyes in the state and she hated the stares. >> ? lol in the state is so specific >> She won Petite Miss Kentucky Eye

hey jude, don’t make it GOOD take a happy song and make it WORSE 😈

i wont imagine this I’m worried I’ll cum too hard. Sorry

it’s 80 degrees I’m running around town doing my little sunset errands listening to three six mafia in big shirt little shorts and there’s sooooooo many dogs. nothing bad has ever happened to me

king Solomon (wise): we will simply cut the baby in half mother (horrified): no me (evil, stupid): sounds good

Ok

these chicks don’t even know the name of my band 🙄

Reiki therapist: your energy is fucked up. It's bad. Me: thank you doctor. Reiki therapist: hold still I'm going to blow you up with my power.

why’d he delete this

destroying the mos eisley cantina bathroom

When Robert Plant said "I'm gonna send ya/back to schoolin," he implies that the girl he's into had aged out of school, which was quite progressive for the time.

Having someone whos been driving you absolutely nuts lately, because of a severe mental health crisis, be like “i know youve been stressed“ that to me, luckily, i find it really funny. Bcz if i didnt my head would explode

WendyLunch: having a tasty sandwich on my lunch break! isn’t that just the best? lorraineaustere: I wouldn’t know. I’ve never been able to open my mouth wide enough to eat a sandwich. and i wouldn’t want to.

they killed my man jeeves for asking too many questions!!