We're doing Woke 2 and MeThree

hey what the

hate when someone parks outside the lines and forces me to also park outside the lines. makes me feel like I'm continuing the cycle of abuse 👎

Check out Wee Willy Winky over here

going back in time and establishing myself as a high priced mystic who treats nobles' sick anemic children with my scientized elixirs (7up)

I think I'd know if one of my toes left my body and went to market

Buffy the Vampire Slayer's always like "ugh I just wanna go to high school and kiss teen boys" but she has to kill monsters instead. I'm the same, except for me it's wanting to post "I'm sliding every color from a crayola 64 pack up my urethra wrong end first" but having to post "Trump is tangerine"

it’s not that funny

whenever you're so stressed you feel like screaming just take a deep breath so you can scream louder+longer

you're not as fat and bald as you looked in your profile pics :/

small dogs love to prank you by acting like they want to be picked up but then when you bend down to pick them up they run away while excitedly wagging their little tail. they think it's so funny. it's the reason I have trust issues

The headline and then sub headline is such an amazing set up and then punch line www.independent.co.uk/news/world/a...

i’d be more comfortable with the olivia nuzzi coverage if every story was headlined something like “seduced by a guy who eats roadkill: the story of an extremely stupid lady”

I now pronounce you Mr. And Mrs. Steal Your Girl. you may kiss my bride

i can't go to the unveiling of the jeans and get my blue soup because it's after baby bedtime but can somebody go and report back.

small dogs love to prank you by acting like they want to be picked up but then when you bend down to pick them up they run away while excitedly wagging their little tail. they think it's so funny. it's the reason I have trust issues

time to take out the trash

[dating if it was like a shonen anime and you had to shout out your techniques to use them] MALE MANIPULATE!!

fulfilled a bucket list item over the weekend which was getting pulled over for a field sobriety test (ultimately blew a .01 lol) but what was really disturbing was I had to explain to the cop what a Pabst Blue Ribbon is

(tiktok voice) Wife missing for six days but I got new trampoline

my parents are both members of the biblical race of giants known as nephilim and me being a normal sized human is basically a wacky Stuart Little type situation

sorority girl: I just feel lucky to vibe so well with my little me: yeah I love my little sorority girl: you're in a frat? me: huh? stuart: *pops out of my shirt pocket* I love you too big guy

people make fun of this a lot but at the risk of being sincere I'm just grateful the street art has the positive message "stop wars" and not like "shoot up a walmart" bc I'm pretty sure this guy would've 100% taken to heart whatever message yoda gave him

Going undercover as a slightly different kind of pervert

whenever I see Kim Davis I think of this

[my inner monologue during meditation] gaycube. xcocks. gaystation 2

i don't enjoy live theater because i have intrusive thoughts about how i could completely ruin the performance, and believe i have a moral prerogative to do so

vet office that euthanizes animals by hanging

just finished baby proofing my apartment. no baby is ever getting in here *flips on electric baby gate and it sparks threateningly*

hey neighbor! I've been meaning to ask: do you mind if I covet your wife

a good tip for staving off hunger pangs is to eat food

halloween is behind us so you all know what that means: discount purple sandwich

can't deal with this title right now. because love is the most defining aspect of our nature??

wholesome sight I just saw that you don't see much in the age of smartphones: neighbor lady at her window with her boobs fully out 🙂‍↕️

You just tucked in the wrong guy

Stretching a condom over my handgun and up to my wrist

running a research study to determine at what age children know to raise their hands when you point a gun at them

if a tiny biker used his diminutive stature to look up my skirt I'd be furious. I'd crush him with the brick I keep in my purse

when is bedtime earliest bedtime bedtime “too early” site:snopes.com

I hate having to see this pervert every time I vote

on bright side demons typically need to wrack their brains and hold grueling late night sessions to come up with appropriate ironic tortures for the damned but Dick Cheney is a total lay up

just received the kiss of death from a mafia don but I didn't know it was the kiss of death so afterward I flashed a smile and fluttered my eyelashes :/

my personal hell is being trapped in a terrible fiery place being tormented by demons

dark at nine, feeling fine dark at five, fuck my live

let's convince insecure men to pluck out their eyelashes because eyelashes are for girls