Should I spend $2500 on this?

I’ve just had a sudden insight into the human condition: it’s bad

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

That’s definitely what your wife loves

I see my cashier. He looks familiar to me. I know him— but how? Then it dawns on me: I’ve been here a bunch of times before

mike f on how one of his accounts got nuked rip homniegh see u on the other side

ALSO TODAY: Luke O’Neil writes a memoriam to Mike Fossey, “was a luminary in the golden age of Twitter in the 2010s, up there alongside the likes of Dril and others” flaminghydra.com/in-post-memo...

You know in movies where they kinda wipe their hand gently over the face of a dead guy and it closes their eyes. It would be a good gag if they did that on a guy with glasses. Either his eyes close or the glasses turn into sunglasses.

RIP Mike F my windmill slam pick for the funniest poster of all-time, and a dear friend. He sent me a truly heinous funko pop as a bit and unfortunately I am now going to display it forever.

Very sad to say it seems Mike Fossey, aka Mike F. has died. Truly one of the funniest posters of all time and a talented artisan. Had been friends online for many years, but I got to hang out a couple times at shows in Boston and he was funny and sweet in real life too.

This looks like Sinbad died and got reincarnated as a chair.

When a letter has your name and “OR CURRENT RESIDENT” that’s how you know it’s really important

Fifteen years ago I felt pretty embarrassed pronouncing a word wrong, but now I’m just boasting like “oh yeah I guess I only know that one from READING it in a BOOK”

yeah go ahead and laugh at me for owning a sword. i'm sure it's going to be real funny when i'm pledging it to someone amazing and you don't have shit

I’ve basically stopped killing whales entirely at this point?

being a rich tech guy in the 90s must have been so sick. every morning you start a web page that sells ring tones, sell it at lunch for 2 million dollars, get dinner at a “sushi” restaurant and go to a night club wearing a cologne called Apartheid Sapphire

First delivery robot. Overall experience was fine but I hate that it just hangs out in front of your building for so long after. Get moving pal

Take Out peaks as a treat around the $35 per person mark to me. More than that the pressure to enjoy the food starts to transcend my ability to taste

i hate how competitive hot dog eaters dip them in water. thats the wrong kind of gross, i need them to pretend they're enjoying them

The guy sitting in front of me for Avatar 3 had a small man bun and whenever the goth na’vi did something kind of sexy he would twirl it his finger a little

Riding in a driverless Waymo and it’s actually really fun. I am banging on the windows and screaming “help me, you gotta fucking help me” at pedestrians

Wearing a fun shirt to a Christmas party. Hopefully people will ask me about it instead of what I’ve been up to, or god forbid, how I’m doing.

I do my best thinking in the shower. This is a magical property of my shower and not related the new kind of dementia my phone seems to be giving me.

REVEAL: I am an NPC

I want to start a line of luxury holding lanterns. For weird men who must venture out into the night

love it when a big action movie is also about a guy getting divorced. i feel like i can see through the screen and time itself to see the writer hunched over his laptop, trying to process his emotions in the least helpful way possible

samurais loyalty to their lords goes a bit too far for me. trying to die for your boss is embarrassing

one of the biggest dirtbag moves is when people block the sidewalk by double parking themselves into their own driveway. just baffling and if I had any integrity I would set those cars on fire

it’s crazy car insurance companies ask you to call the police after any accident. yeah sorry about the fender bender, mind sticking around for fifty minutes until two wheezing sunburnt psychos roll up

lmao

He looks like he’s trying to stop his dog from leaving him

new computer day 1: carefully arranging folders on desktop, only downloading programs I use day 30: hitting ‘Open Anyways’ on security warning for Dune2_Mp4.exe

Marge Simpson 🤝 SF commuters porn pop up Riding BART

Dressing cool because I AM cool. Please do not ask me about any of my hobbies or interests

Fondly recalling the era where one of my three roommates would get laid non stop, and the rest of our girlfriends would barter and claim any clothes that got left behind. They called it “hoe swag”

My friend with stage four prostate cancer asked me to write some self depreciating jokes about his cancer for him to tell on stage during his chemo fund raiser. He better make it because I don’t want my last memory of him to be bombing with the material I gave him

so cool you love music and got a high paying gig at the AI music company. I love lions so I got a job in Africa helping dentists hunt them

need winter to be over so i can start shooting ektachrome again 🎞️

I believe this might be “bait”

not a great start to the day… a battlebot got under my feet and flipped me

If you’re 6’ or taller the “no elbows on the table” rule shouldn’t apply. A dinner table is too low to comfortably rest your forearms. It’s bad etiquette to make me suffer

[After turning worldwide food supply into grey slime slop made of radioactive jellyfish] It would seem generation alpha has no taste for food,

its so crazy that young people became less interested in movies & tv at the same time weird tech guys mostly started deciding what gets made

I love the airport I’m watching Jane Eyre on a laptop while eating the worst chicken and waffles of my life - yet I’m doing everything exactly right

if I were the torture guy in a Bond movie or something, my thing would be I don’t use tools. I torture people with my bare hands!

i would love to be the nerd that gives James Bond his gadgets. dozens of engineering teams working beneath me and im just taking credit for all of it like "do bring back MY grappling gun rolex in one piece"