Kind of crazy guy in Target parking garage was yelling “fuck the CIA” and started sprinting after my car like the t-1000. Brother I am not CIA, I’m wearing a sweatshirt from the aquarium and am generally considered to be competent

Getting hit by a limo on purpose trying to sue a rich guy, but a bunch of crying high schoolers on their way to prom get out

i have decided to turn over a new financial leaf, but the weird expensive sneakers i ordered (which no one in my life will express any enthusiasm for) went missing in the mail and my money has been refunded. i reordered because i consider this purchase to have been "grandfathered" in to my new era.

if you ever play trivia with me please remember that just because I don’t know anything doesn’t mean I’m stupid 💖

I folded at poker because my friends hand was shaking (assumed he had a big hand) and then I found out he just has some medical disorder. Fucking bullshit!

"When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite." — Sergio Leone.

I was always doing the absolute most with my outfits and general vibe in college, and one time when I was walking by outside, a Spanish tutor said to his student, “For example, ella tiene pantalones interesantes.”

i was on my night walk with my big headphones on transparency mode and i heard my neighbors talking about me. the dude said "he's always walking" and his friend said "he should get a dog"

thinking about becoming one of those guys who goes to the New Beverly every single night and had an assigned seat and some kind of ugly blazer/leather jacket. regular guy life is not panning out for me

fuckin fucking bullshit life, my life fuckin sucks and (I walk into the gym bathroom and get a big waft of bodybuilder’s rancid nootropics shit) chess is the gentleman’s game, most indubitably

Falling victim to classic weird rich lady behavior: the woman at the coffee shop asked me to watch her stuff (laptop, purse, phone, car keys!) while she put change in the meter. She’s been gone almost 15 minutes

got into a full curb your enthusiasm style shouting match with an old disgruntled record store owner and I feel incredible. Apparently he gets into these all day and I still think I won

-----Original Message----- From: Jeffrey Epstein <[email protected]> To: Gmax Sent: Sat Apr 02 12:14:45 Subject: Punch monkey ,, beat up again, devastating

Have to agree with Costco here

One of the nastiest things that goes unchecked online is weird guys using the word “consent” instead of “permission.” I’m sorry someone borrowed your charger without asking, but please do not evoke the language of assault.

I think the band TOOL has a very StarCraft based worldview. They understand that while we are all Terran and our external world is becoming Protoss, our subconscious is still extremely Zerg

I was so lucky to write on Strip Law. I met the coolest people in the world working on this show, laughed so hard I felt high at least once a day, and was free to be as smart and as dumb as I could be. Cullen took every chance and ran a mile with every inch they gave him. Watch Strip Law or die!

new Strip Law clip where we thoughtfully and respectfully grapple with the legacy of one of the titans of animation that came before us

One of my favorite experiences in “the biz” was working with the muppets which meant having to hang out with the 7 or 8 extremely serious and self important “muppet brand managers” - the most unmuppet energy imaginable I truly love it

Jack Torrance’s Shining manuscript but it’s just hundreds of pages of “Mike don’t spend $88 dollars on joke flip flops”

bad: i had to sign an updated waiver to renew my gym membership and i misclicked my photos app 'driver's license' search and accidentally submitted a screenshot of McLovin's fake ID from Superbad. worse: it was reviewed and accepted

Silverlake is truly one of the #1 people watching neighborhoods in the country. Look in any direction and you’ll see a man dressed like Bullworth on a date with a woman dressed like Bullworth

i am so hyped on latin america right now. anyone else want to road trip to puerto rico?

I keep trying to get people to tell me the weird sneakers I bought online are actually really cool but best I’ve gotten is “sometimes you’ve got to buy something dumb”

John Mulaney should be tried as a war criminal for giving so many people the idea to put the same song on a jukebox over and over

I love the Westminster Kennel Club broadcast because one of the announcers isn’t an expert so sometimes a weird looking dog prances out and he goes “oh wow”

Jeff Probst is honest to god a hero of mine. Survivor evolves so consistently that it feels like change is the default state of things, and you can also tell he has a heart that continues to grow even though he’s fairly old. Yes I searched “Probst” on the Epstein email website before posting this

keep laughing at my friends’ trivia team name and answers

People think the highest Michelin rating is 3 stars, but there is a hidden 4th level where the Michelin Man comes and kills everyone at your restaurant and mixes your ashes in tire rubber. Then he exalts you by wearing you around his waist for all eternity

my CPA after seeing how much of my income was 1099 and that i haven't been making quarterly payments

this is possibly the most niche thing i've ever posted but its really funny how if you post a photo of a woman to flickr you get invited to add it to a bunch of groups all called like "to errr is to male, to female is divine" and "yugoslavian beauty standard"

“The Chad Driver’s Mindset,” page 661: there is but a single other car on the road; the one in front of you. Its reasons for starting and stopping are completely unknowable.

I think it’s reasonable to say everyone that works at Adobe should be in prison

Brett Ratner having a cancellation arc is truly ludicrous. Unremarkable director who was already out of the game, a career built entirely on getting his claws into Chris Tucker.

how are you going to have body armor but no helmet? thats like having a roll cage but no seatbelt

suggested use on this blueberries package says "serve with ice cream" yes that classic culinary trick: also eat some ice cream

did a photoshoot at Sundance with my buddy Elle

Nowhere is it more clear that everyone has started talking the exact same than on Survivor. A cop, a librarian, and a professional gamer will win something and they’ll all scream “Let’s go!!!”

the world is very, very bad but the seahawks going to the super bowl is very, very good

god every day you test me with cisgender tweets

I got an “anomaly detected” at airport security and on the screen it put a red rectangle over the trigger area and it was 100% just exactly over my penis

Well well well look guess who had a really easy time “networking” at Sundance because all he can talk about coherently is movies and television.

I rented a movie theater to read bluesky, everybody better post something good

In SLC and finally met the first Mormon, in my entire fucking life, who wasn’t hot. While a bit sad it was also an incredible run for you guys 🤍

last time I went to Alamo drafthouse I got chicken fingers and was like “damn this is amazing” but after I finished the guy next to me had a burger delivered and I was like “Jesus you fucking pig”

i know i have some cool photography mutuals here so wanted to plug my friend Zeke's incredible patreon. he basically releases a photobook PDF each month and they're really good. he has a free tier and a paid! www.patreon.com/c/eezekiel/p...

the term "control freak" is a hurtful slur for people like me who just love to step up and take control so someone stupid or weird doesn't wind up with it

I think i am going to be working 16 hours a day for the next 10 days in a row... but when i finish i'm going to treat myself to a $12,000 Tibetan Mastiff puppy with pedigree papers.

Just passed an incredibly wasted guy singing along with Even Flow, he just hollering and slurring but he lined up pitch perfect for a moment and both of my feet left the ground