i deal with anxiety by just being delusional. yes everyone at work secretly hates me and is going to frame me for murder. and that would be fine because it would give me a chance to show the world I’d be a really great detective

dang I think I’m in one of those situations where a guy standing and staring from far away is about to start running at you

it would be funny if they cut to Kendrick calling Drake a pedophile. Not even rapping he can just say it as a reminder

adobe is a suite of robust tools designed kill you and then change your email password. after that initial trial period it’s 59.99 per month

just heard the words every man yearns for after going to the gym consistently for 5 years. "Oh that's cool, I didn't know you worked out!"

looking in bathroom mirror: what am I like for real what the fuck am I? looking in full body mirror: well hello to me, the big dog himself

i took an ancient greek lit class in college and once the professor, in his late 60s, got melancholy in front of the class about aging. it culminated with him near tears, musing about how many trips left he to Greece. he concluded 15 or 20 times if he was lucky. full on tears at that point.

20 minutes into the Michael Jackson biopic and so far the worst part is all the direct allusions to his future woven into the childhood sequences

TACO BELL SHOULD OFFER A BURRITO IN THE SIZE AND SHAPE OF A HUMAN MAN SO YOU CAN GO "CHIMP MODE" ON IT.

Citizen Kane is famous for it's "deep focus," a sort of visual glitch caused by using too narrow of a lens aperture. If it was made today, a more modern shallow depth of field would help audiences to know exactly where they should be looking.

phrase stuck in my head from Target optometrist annual check-up reminder, "hello michael, it was great seeing you one year ago."

(with tone of intense perversion) i put out the hummingbird feeder so I could watch the little birds eat through the window

Interesting that even just a “portrait of a lady on fire” is cause for critical acclaim, but if you even tried to make a movie about an entire “man on fire” you would be instantly cancelled

This is what 38 looks like when you didn’t go outside from age 15-32. This is what 38 looks like when you’re not afraid to tell someone you just met about the importance of physical media. This is what 38 looks like if you think voting is really important even though sometimes you forget to do it

this guy will be thrilled

BRUNO!

if i was in an alien movie i'd be luring the xenomorph into a hot wok and adding chili, garlic, ginger, shaoxin wine, scallions, white pepper and sesame oil

2006: Uhh, the Roomba ate my homework? 😬🤣 2026: The Roomba did my homework. ☺️ And it told me to tell you I have the cranial features of a warrior poet

The real Team USA win is the Mariners winning the summer Blue Jays series when thousands of drunk Canadian casuals always pour into Seattle. Slink back to Alberta in shame, invaders.

i love when a business is named like something someone wished they had said in an argument after the fact

i'm going to come clean, i forgot i was supposed to be microblogging. that should have gone to my drafts for august. i won't make this mistake again!

I believe I have latent professional race car driver in my blood. And the universe is waiting until I’m 40 to activate it, my destiny

just saw the drunkest old woman drive by me, still wrapped in an american flag. she was smoking a cigarette

We need help. How to do we fix this

i was bitten by a komodo dragon this morning and unfortunately from the looks of it the infection from the bacteria-heavy bite will cause me to eventually weaken and die without fully paying off my student loans

I’m a Venice Beach guy now. I’m going to get a longboard and skin cancer

i bought a LACMA membership so i would always have someplace cool to walk around this summer. any emotional or cathartic responses to any of the art are completely incidental

Next time I walk in my building and my landlady is waiting to talk to me I’m just going to lie and pretend I’m high. “Susan you can’t talk to me about God because I’m just too damn stoned to hear about it.” I’m 38 I can’t get in trouble for that kind of thing anymore

straight up my favorite male privilege is feeling safe walking around alone late at night with big over ear headphones with full noise canceling on. it’s so nice!

no way to say this without becoming niles crane but: people are dressing like absolute dogshit at the philharmonic

its hard to do good #microblog posts when you're WFH. i probably won't see anything new or talk to anyone again until this evening. but i'm going to push myself to find something new in the mundane

For the next month I will be pivoting to #microblogging. I won’t try too hard to make anything funny or interesting. It will be impossible to tell the difference between it and any of my recent posts, but for me it’s a big mental shift

The hardest anyone has ever been owned is Filippo Argenti getting written into 5th circle of hell in Dante’s Inferno. He was Dante’s real life political rival. Imagine someone quote dunked you so hard people were still retweeting it 700 years later. Brutal.

i am ending my week long saga of trying to be more friendly. my new social skillset will instead be owning and wielding a large beautiful parrot

trying to be affable on Zoom client calls

the boys are over and we're all taking the Which Invisible Cities City Are You? quiz. Jacob's trivial ass got Maurilia lmao

Restaurant TV in Koreatown: kpop music video on loop Restaurant TV in Thaitown: low res video of man canoeing that cross fades into a photo of egg noodles

incredibly fried older woman in Trader Joe’s stared at me the whole time I shopped and followed me out the door to tell me I look like David Bowie an asked to take a selfie together. Her phone background was this picture of the Loch Ness monster

sitting down in my barber's chair, refusing to take off my huge over ear headphones, and showing him a photo of the grinch

life sucks man the cashier was absolutely chopping it up with the last customer and I just got rang up completely normal style

Roasting one of the boys by proclaiming “A fell wind blows” as he enters the bar

saw some performance art. my rule for that sort of thing is that if it makes one sour-type guy shake his head, it’s completely worthwhile

i stand by my earlier reporting on joseph gordon-levitt! www.webworm.co/joseph/

This is right next to my favorite Thai food place and so I wind up parking here like once a month but the crazy thing is that one time a family bought like two parakeets and brought them INTO THE RESTAURANT??

I mentioned your parrot here and nobody knew him

Wow, what a great Grassy Valley Friday. I guess Grassy will wait another week to see you all. JUST KIDDING! Next week’s strip is already up on the Grassy Valley Patreon, along with mondo perks and bonus stuff. www.patreon.com/cw/baybayfri...

the main downside to a public-facing online career is not getting to do this

I don’t need the squirrels in my neighborhood to “fear me” but they let me get so close that I find it disrespectful