It turns out there WAS a good reason for someone to attend the White House Correspondents' Dinner!

In memory of Chuck Norris I will be throwing a burning Total Gym workout machine through the window of Black Belt Magazine at noon today.

Dudes wok.

These zoomer ghouls are the worst. "Lemme hold all your skin", absolutely not! That's my skin you little dipshit. Go back to your barrow that smells like Baja Blast™ and X-Boxes that aren't properly ventilated.

Scott "Scottbert" Adams passed away peacefully this morning trying to recreate that video of a chimp peeing into its own mouth. Ivermectin cured his cancer mid attempt and his now superhuman prostate "power streamed" his piss through his skull like a hydraulic saw. He is survived by: everyone else.

Throngus, the wise uncle: One day, you too will understand why the past feels as a distant country. Me, absentmindedly nodding along because I'm wondering if anyone still plays "Quake III: Arena": Yep, Pastsylvania.

I put the videos of Renee Good's murder side by side and the timeline seems to be: 1. He gets made fun of (0:18-0:24) 2. Transfer his phone to his off hand to draw his weapon (0:25) 3. Car starts moving (0:38) 4. He murders her (0:41) Nothing graphic in the videos themselves but... you know.

If the Santa doesn't have gold fringe he can't actually find you legally naughty.

The judge ordered that a guy has to "Dog Whisperer" me for the next 90 days. Every time I leave the house a dude follows me around and punches me in the neck if I make eye contact with anyone. It sucks.

Nice Orchestral Manoeuvres you got there. It would be a real shame if someone were to... In The Dark them!

I have released three nude and greased up rockabilly guys into city hall. Should my demands not be met, more greasy rockabilly mayhem will be unleashed against the city.

The arrow of time travels travels in one direction and that is towards our grave, playboy.

I'm watching the documentary about that guy who dedicated his entire life to killing Clifford, the big red dog, because no one explained what books were to him. Sad story, but fascinating.

The good news is that NASA finally called me back. The bad news is they are dipping me in chrome and welding me to the nose of a rocket as a kind of ornament. They were clear this had no scientific value and will not further humanity's understanding of anything and that I do not get to opt out.

"This is just like the prisoner's dilemma," I think, as I'm devoured by some weird ball thing for your entertainment.

Spilled my eggnog leaving the house and now one of my kids smells like bourbon and these old folks are not being chill about it.

Building Woke 2 (a giant flaming skeleton with a scimitar named 'Pronouns') in my garage.

They won't let me run trivia night ever since I asked if dying in a rafting accident was "beast" or not.

Before you get any wild ideas, let me just say that's decapitating me and absorbing my powers? Cringe. That's mad cringe bro. They will laugh at you for doing that corny shit.

Everyone's a gangsta until you pull out a scroll of "Explode Horse III".

I also had my "Indie Game of the Year" award revoked for "abusing AI"*. *I did a "Reservoir Dogs" to a Dyson Smart Vacuum in a Target.

They're closing the Soupfan Forums because me and "da Stew Crew" got a little rowdy and did a drive-by on Gazpacho Steve's crib.

Merry Christmas, playboy. Pull up that balaclava and get that figgy pudding.

Everyone at this bed and breakfast is angry at me because I hollowed out Torgo, the groundskeeper, and am wearing his remains like a smelly exoskeleton while I pretend to trim hedges and clean windows.

You've all seen tattoo parlors but we're the only ones with the vision to open the world's first tattoo parkour and it fuckin' sucks. Everyone keeps jumping around so all the tattoos look like shit and hurt.

Getting life changingly furious at a chain BBQ restaurant and crawling into their smoker to prove that their ribs are not special and that I too can become fall-off-the-bone tender.

Nice gänger you have there. It would be a real shame if someone were to... DOPPEL

I have a revolver, one round, and a trademark on "GravYY, the gravy for her". Ball's in your court, Sharks.

"Chat, I'm locking in," I shout as I bash open the gas pipes leading to the stove. They crumble in the dark. We haven't had light or power for three years. I hadn't seen a living soul in two.

Them: this conversation is going to a dark place Me: [nodding excitedly] the movie theater

E.T., the desperate gnome, came to Earth to observe our diseases

its so goated when the pleasure is all mine

*Eying my uncle's new toilet jealously* yeah its nice and everything, just hope its not too much bowl for ya, is all

eating clean (sliced bars of soap)

if anyone is planning a trip to an old abandoned underground research facility twenty two levels deep where there was recently a mysterious “development” hit me up

googled my symptoms and ai said someone is secretly baptizing me

imagine you have an angel like me in your DMs and i am just systematically listing everything you have in your refrigerator to prove my celestial powers and earn your trust so you go to the beach and dig a big hole in the sand which as we all know is currently god's plan for us that's all he wants

(to the microplastics being released from my plastic food court fork) see you later…. in my balls

What’s the score? Been dozing. Who’s winning, the dualists or the monists or what?

Is he a... you know... 'Melee build'? (Editor's note: Upon further discussion with Johnny it is even LESS clear what he is trying to insinuate here.)

E-ink? From what, an E-squid? Grow the fuck up, Sandra.

The security camera footage clearly shows me being dragged into the hotdog rollers. Seventeen minutes elapse before I am then re-extruded back into the 7-11, carrying two cheddar brats (which had not been sold since Summer of Sausage '17), and bleeding profusely from a cut over my left eye.

This year all the kids want the same thing for Christmas: the powerful jaws of a wolf and the ability to digest heavy metals.

With alt:

Good news everyone! We just got approved for a big grant so the Equine Instrumentality Project will continue. Let's melt some fuckin' horses!

Also remember: buy Seafrog.

Before I return to Not Posting Here, remember: Buy Ink Inside on PC and all consoles: store.steampowered.com/app/2137880/...

Chameleons are fucking idiots. If I had that ability I wouldn't blend into my surroundings, I would make myself look like a can of white Monster and get some sponsorship money!

Phlebotomists hate me because of my one simple trick: my blood is evil and attacks them as they try to close up the blood store alone.

I am become Death destroyer of- oh goddamn it. That dude in a skirt with a whip is back this sucks. This fuckin' sucks. Just let me lord my power over the fishmans, dude! I've done nothing to you!