Dig through the ditches And burn through the witches I slam in the back of my 2003 Toyota Camry

9-year-old's basketball team currently blowing out their opponents 52 - 10 with 8 minutes left to play. Not bragging or anything

Sometimes I almost feel bad for Elon but then I remember that he deserves every second of hollow misery

It's genuinely funny how the wealthiest man alive is so deeply and profoundly pathetic

Nothing I love more when I'm trying to locate the locked cabinet containing Q-tips than overbearing, insincere friendliness from people desperate to keep their minimum wage jobs

Oh I get it, "big apple" because he's a supermarket guy. Good one

Pritzker can order his state police to quit aiding these thugs and protect the rights of protestors or he can betray the dream of a Great Midwestern Khanate. There's never been a better excuse to intervene

They used to at least try to blend it into his hairline. America has fallen

THE SUPREME COURT AGREES YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD STARVE on billboards nationwide

This is the best bourbon of all time btw. You can disagree or have your own favorite but unfortunately you are wrong

Friday night with da boys!!!

Rofl hold on. He also did this like a month ago! This is the second time he's gone on Fox Business to complain about rent policy!

boss makes a dollar, i make a dime. everyone contributes here at the mint

I'll give him this, that seems like a pretty heartfelt denunciation

I think i hauve covid

To The Youths a "hanging chad" is a much different proposition

khrushchev: and another thing! i am sure, no, certain that all americans are given "cowboy name" at age of sixteen. and yet on this visit not one rootin-tootin moniker have i received. why is that? do you americans think this will threaten national security, in some way, perhaps?

He should thank Zohran for winning bc that new slogan would have gotten his ass beat

TRUMP ADMINISTRATION WANTS TO STARVE YOUR CHILDREN on billboards nationwide. Absolute political lay-up. Malpractice not to take it

Fascinating story Bethany. Personally I get along with other parents by being normal but I applaud your innovative approach

Moon Jail

Source: It Was Revealed To Me In A Dream Of Such Fractal Complexity That The Hand Of God Was Surely Present

Yeah doc I think we need to up my dosage a little. No I've been feeling fine but I'm posting pretty hard today. Yeah. It's pretty serious

ME: I'm bout to go wicked white boy style in this dang Office Depot!! MANAGER: sir please put down the gun

Going honk shoo mode at the press junket

"My kids know me as this ape"

The jerk store called. It was just screaming and then they hung up

Man the amount of Psychology radiating off all these guys is truly something

oh noes some people from a different culture moved in I think I will obsess about it day and night and forget to enjoy this twinkle of time I have as a sentient being in an endless swirl of dust and gas we call existence

"Hoisted by my own petard" ❌️ old fashioned ❌️ what the fuck is a petard ❌️ makes you sound like an English major "Blinded by my own stew" ✅️ fresh and topical ✅️ pleasantly goofy ✅️ implies culinary abilities

Coming up with a new street drug called "petard" and asking all the teens if they wanna get hoisted

Keep going Steve I'm almost there

President Jimmy Beast renovating the entire White House interior with bare reclaimed wood and those retro exposed-element light bulbs that put out about 10 lumens. Also a waterslide

Absolutely do not cave, you bunch of coward morons, DO NOT right as the impacts to the public are about to become overwhelming, and especially not for some vague promise of a vote from a pack of proven shithead liars

Dr Oz talking about obesity, diabetes and dementia while Trump is slumped over like a man minutes from death is supremely funny content

Fascinating... wonder if that would include stuff like "yeah we'll be on Mars in 10 years, definitely" or the kind of stuff people are known to say on earnings calls. Just curious

They really fucked it even bringing the sandwich thing to trial - of course no jury was ever going to agree with that causing actual bodily harm, and of course the hilarious nature of the loss is going to net much more attention than if they'd just let it go

Would those be the same mass firings where they hurriedly hired a bunch of people back because it turned out they were actually needed to run shit

Who the heck called it "bovine influenza" and not Herd Flu

The 2024 election was a heist. The richest people in the world decided to crack the vault of the United States and help themselves

Rofl. Lmao

Talking about a "Dem policy response" is kinda wild when they don't control any of the branches of government

BUH GAWD IS THAT BETTERIDGE'S LAW'S MUSIC???

Saw someone say that the enraged radicalized wine moms are going to impose Sangria Law and honestly that’s pretty good