Wearing an "A" on my sweater to show everyone that I am an excellent student

lot of you are very correct about things you also maybe shouldn’t be 17 quote posted threads deep about

"You're not taking social media seriously!" Dude, this ain't LinkedIn.

playin that pussy like it's a harmonica

shrek and chill

People love talking about a thing they know a single thing about almost as much as they love talking about a thing they know zero things about

a weird thing about america is they go on about being all christian and that, and then on christmas day it's *not* a bank holiday. like, there's american football matches on and it's a big day for the cinema. it's like they don't even care about the little baby jesus.

i love this man.

Stop asking me what is new. Nothing is new. Underneath this hardened carapace, my innards are slowly turning to mulch.

Overheard a kid on the bus - his mate goes, "you wee cunt you fell asleep" and the kid's like "nah, i was just being nonchalant" Anyway i'm stealing this line for work

I haaate when Visigoths raid my granary!

thank god for proper journalist bari weiss, who has the integrity to replace a documentary with a debate about whether human rights are "a thing" or not

Need to write one of those hustle day-in-the-life stories from the perspective of my baby. “I start the day at 4am — sleep is for the weak. I don’t do traditional meals. Instead I refuel with a personalised drink developed to fulfil all my needs. And I spend 1-2 hours a day just screaming, yeah.”

karen carney only won strictly because of covid

@jessethorn.bsky.social on making his company worker-owned:“The thing about worker ownership is that it is demonstrably studied by economists, more sustainable, because workers are interested in sustainability. They're not interested in risk and infinite growth.” A path beyond the VC tech hellscape.

you're in her dms. she's in a groupchat with all the other women you're in the dms of. delete your account

Me and my friends would’ve killed the Grinch with hammers I can tell you that much

that cheese looks like no cottage i’ve ever seen.

Figgy pudding = plum pudding = figs and plums mean raisins. Everything has always been a lie, since forever. The song is about wishing a merry christmas, now we are demanding raisin bread. Bring it right fucking here you merry fuck.

i see the nights are drawing in

Reports say Dr Ruth came back to life and is talking about something called “Dark Sex”

AD-ROCK: Yo Ebenezer you gotta show re- BEASTIES: MORSE AD-ROCK: Redemption is not a mere matter of Beasties: COURSE MIKE D: We’ll show you Bob Cratchit’s not a lazy BEASTIES: MOOCHER MCA: We’re Christmas Past MIKE D: Christmas Present BEASTIES: AND CHRISTMAS FUTURE

shidden, farden, a wonderful christmastime

i bet donald trump could beat anthony joshua in a boxing match. a lot of people are saying this.

So #DuvetKnowItsChristmas is theologically sound

one of my favourite things i've learned about christmas in the last few years is that the bible doesn't say jesus was born in an inn's stable; he would have been born in the downstairs area of a house belonging to a relative of joseph's, which was usually reserved for animals

look you absolutely do not have to hand it to woody allen, but this still sticks in my brain

I saw Mommy kissing, copulating with and then devouring the body of Santa Claus

every fbpe account:

They don't want to be creators, they want to have what they perceive as the cultural status that creators have, without doing the work for it. A lot of them also think we make a lot more money than we do, which they want as well.

been going down this waterslide for over an hour now and i'm starting to get worried

Inside you there are two weasels. Sorry, we ran out of wolves.

Mr. Beast, all my friends and I were saying how good at boxing you’d be

(being lowered into the sensory deprivation chamber to treat Poster's Madness) hey can i have my phone btw

hi i’m chatGPT and this is jeckoiss

You other brothers can’t deny

*gets kicked out of another bar for belligerently asking if they know who I am on Bluesky*

Scrooge: *from the 60th floor* you there, boy, what day is this? Tiny Tim: why it's 9/11 sir

In a shocking twist, my hamfisted attempt at a coverup has only drawn attention to my crimes

Four Tops implies the existence of Four Bottoms

By law, Whole Boyfriend must be at least 8% fat.

repost if 2026 is gonna be the year when u PISS with the BIG DOGS !!!

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMPPPPPPPPPPPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

if jurassic park could just stay open for longer than, like, a week then it would eventually breed a shrek

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERT-LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!

well if you love Christmas so much why don't u Merry it

this is true, i think. also, copying the people you like is a necessary process to finding your own voice - you learn to play something, or perform something, and something along the way makes you think, "what if i change this...?"

there is no difference between this and 9/11

Getting roasted in the SEAL Team chat because I glanced back at an explosion instead of casually walking away

delighted to announce my new netflix special, "sixty seven minutes of underwhelming thoughts about how someone was once mean to me, a millionaire, on the internet"