you couldn't make father ted these days, because you'd be sued by hat trick productions for copyright infringement

If satire is “dying”, explain this!

Used to drunk drive? Drank drove? I don't know? It was in the 80s and it was just called "being cool" back then x

Why are you covered in jam? I pumped it up. You… Pumped it up. *opening mouth Bike pump. *we both continue to eat our toast in silence.

"Whereabouts in Colorado do you live?" "Boulder." "Oh, okay. 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞?"

The reduction in the number of people coming to the United Kingdom is going to improve Labour's polling, the political debate around immigration and the British economy any day now.

some experts say that reform uk’s plan to provide everyone in britain with one of those hoverboards from out of off of back to the future 2 “within weeks” of winning an election is “unworkabl, but it’s the sort of eye-catching policy that makes voters sit up and pay attention.

A short thing about music. Please indulge me. My son and his girlfriend did a pub gig this afternoon. Here they are. Voice and keyboard. Jazz standards. They were good, but that’s not the point. (1/n)

Y'all have too much insomnia for me to get your timezone

Would gently remind all the people pointing at our potential next government and saying "but that's Illegal/impossible!" that things being illegal and incredibly stupid do not matter to fascists, see also: USA.

hey, the jerk store called, and your chicken is ready to be collected

The message outlives the man

Nice post you got there, it'd be a shame if I deliberately missed your point so I could be tedious about it

the great replacement is still happening i see

I am once again grateful that my parents aren’t on Facebook because of a lie I told them in 2007 that it costs money to join. They’re gullible and way too trusting of their son but the sanest of their friends.

guys i just saw copyright-violating footage of a premier league goal on bluesky within moments of it happening in real life so, yeah, this place as The Juice

GIRLFRIEND: Um...I don't know. I think this relationship is going too fast. ME: *sitting on my racecar bed* Lol Sharon, it doesn't actually move.

you’ve got to admire mikel arteta doing everything he can to stop arsenal finishing second again #thefootball

the fact that sky are using copilot to produce their stats makes me instinctively distrust them. like we’re about to get a stat that says gianluigi donnarumma has the most fingers of any pl goalkeeper this season #thefootball

trick question: all posting is cringe. once you accept that, every post is a banger.

If I do cancel my Disney subscription, as a protest, I just realised I can still watch all the Marvel and Star Wars and Alien and Simpsons I want. Good old physical media. The best way to not have to depend on the whims of corporate dicks. Pay once, and when they pivot fash, you don't have to.

publisher: so, “from ‘pow! torres!’ to pau torres: the decline of spanish football”? me: yes publisher: do you have anything more than the title? me: not really

Ah, actually probably this: bsky.app/profile/fubs...

If your novel is set in the recent, pre-cellphone past and your plot depends on a dilemma that would now be resolved with a simple phone call, make sure the reader understands that by having a character say, "Too bad cellphones don't exist yet."

I'm developing a potato chip that sucks you off

People of Yaaaarkshire! I'm dead excited to be coming to Sheffield on October 10th to play out with fantastic music outfit Ensemble 360 at the Crucible and present our Incomplete Guide to Chamber Music. Incredible bangers for noobs and lifers alike. Join us! musicintheround.co.uk/events/chris...

ME: what’s for dinner KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago

all i’m saying is that leeds united haven’t lost a game since my birthday so maybe it needs to be my birthday every week?

The media - no, we're not going to report on serious Lib Dem policies The media - yes, we will report on fun stunts The media, also - the Lib Dems need to show they've got serious policies

I bought tunnocks teacakes. trying to restrain myself by only eating one every 15mins or so.

195 episodes of bluey, and not one single use of the c-word, which makes me think it’s not *really* australian

HOT SINGLES ARE IN YOUR AREA HOT SINGLES HAVE BREACHED THE PERIMITER HOT SINGLES ARE ZEROING IN ON YOUR LAST KNOWN LOCATION HOT SINGLES ARE INITIATING ATTACK FORMATION DELTA

I’m into self-improvement as long as it doesn’t require actual effort or feelings.

It was Mr Blobby

BOY RABBIT: *points to top hat* and this is where the magic happens GIRL RABBIT: oooh BOY RABBIT: for the love of god stay away from it

Every contrarian new politics is just a lazy rebranding of the Washington Consensus 1997-2016.

are you refusing to debate me? you’re just going to listen to other people and declare me to be “guilty” of some supposed crime? for shame, your honor

dr pepper is the scientist actually. you're thinking of dr pepper's monster

[me, building a tent big enough to hold everyone who hates you] hey guys wanna come in?

me: it's not astronomy it's a astronoWE my research partner: again, please stop touching me without permission

Having been a Leeds fan since you made it a contractual obligation, I’m delighted by the result today and the shift that the lads put in.

look, i’ll admit i had my doubts about reuben amorim, but adding this “have an opponent sent off after five minutes” strategy is really bringing the best out of this 3-4-3 system #thefootball

todd boehly has just tried to buy man utd’s keeper to replace sanchez #thefootball

three of boris johnson’s kids are gen-z, so maybe instead of moaning in the papers about them he could try to be a better dad?

you need to know that my brother is a wolves fan so this is a very very good scoreline indeed #thefootball

*have a banana noise* Guadalajara

yessssss