i could never live in a smart home. opening the shades and adjusting the thermostat are my little projects. don't take my little projects from me.

EGRETS? YEAH I HAVE A FEW. (unleashes flock of triumphant, long-necked birds from the struggling waistband of my oversized pantaloons)

Imagine hating me and ok wow, you’re all nodding your head in agreement. That was a little easier than I had anticipated. Is the room still filling up? Where are all of you people coming from

Ennio Morricone is, of course, Italian for ’Eric Morecambe’.

easy to laugh at the billionaire blood baby harder to get into his inner circle and persuade him to give you $2.3m to “reduce non-cortisonal antimicrobial retention” by sticking a pickle grabber up his dick once a week

note to 5live’s news editors: that audio of chris mason interviewing keir starmer isn’t good enough to play in full, you could barely hear either of them

weird how no-one ever tells reform voters not to demonise non-reform voters

Five Easy Hacks For Having Sex With Journalists

it’s the weekend

Can't prove this but maybe the reason for Attenborough's longevity is that whenever Paddington arrives to shepherd his soul on, he fends him off with his powers of nature narration. "The perplexed ursine psychopomp withdraws, his hunt unsuccessful. Perhaps a 1970s bass player will make easier prey."

'Reprobate' is just such a great word, need more opportunities to use it, maybe I should become a judge

OK, I’ll bite. What is “rabies”?

[opening a bottle of mountain dew with a champagne sword] you can ivy league my nuts

Five Easy Hacks For Having Sex With Journalists

you know all these right-wing billionaires who lose loads of money on loads of things, like paying for podcasts etc? well presumably they have some businesses which make money, or they wouldn’t have money to spend like that. so… what are those businesses?

"WHY ARE YOU ALL ALWAYS YELLING AT ME? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!" -The Void

in starmer’s defence, it must be *quite* hard, psychologically, to accept that everyone in britain hates you. you’d explore other possibilities first, wouldn’t you?

LGBTQIA stands for Lets Get Banged Tonight Quickly In Aisle 3

UNITED KINGDOM! I’m bringing my bad video game show SHIT ARCADE to Edinburgh Fringe! 5-12, 23-30 August at 10:30 pm at the @gildedballoon.bsky.social Teviot Dining Room. Comedians from all over the world play terrible video games for your amusement. I also give some away! TICKETS AVAILABLE NOW:

You’ve heard of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn! Introducing: farce! If someone makes you feel weird and uncomfortable, make them feel weird and uncomfortable too!

The problem—which both the GOP and the milquetoast institutionalists seem to not be grappling with here—is that the more you close off avenues of political change through the democratic process, the more you push people to see extra-institutional mechanisms as their only option

My crush at the bioweapons lab dropped a smallpox sample but I’m too shy to say anything

*hard as hell death metal riff* SLIPPED ON PEEPEE AT THE COSTCO *even harder riff. Just shredding* GOT ME A $53,000 SETTLEMENT

Oh no, it's THE EVENT.

This is so lovely and well deserved! If like me you're a fan of excellent independent comedy podcasts check out @atomcrowley.bsky.social. Some of us always knew it was the funniest podcast but now it is *officially* the funniest too. Hooray!!

roses are red, hold all my calls,

boss: these negotiations are going to be tough. did you bring the mediator? me, quickly closing the meeting room door so the bald guy in orange robes can't follow me in: uhh no he was busy

how about i come over and stare at you like this

technical issues means there's very little video for this week but trust me, you are going to want to hear what barry's historic tweet is.

nigel martyn has just been selected for the england over-60s cricket team, and that has triggered a lot of emotions for me

But what would political obsessives want with a competition dominanted by public schoolboys, structured to cater to wealthy pensioners and contested under anarchic rules?

my favourite attenborough story is in life on earth, i think, where he's recording a piece to camera as bats swarm around him in a cave, explaining that, because of the bats' sonar, they will totally avoid him. but they only are running out of battery for the lights, camera and sound.

If I had millions of quid turn up in a well known opaque currency often used by criminals in my possession I would face lots of interesting questions from taxation to source of income. I am so very tired of rules not being applied. Both the actual law & simple social etiquette

Panic over x

Wow, I can't believe Labour's tactic of yelling "DON'T VOTE FOR THESE GREEN CUNTS, THEY'RE DANGEROUS, VOTE FOR US, WE HATE IMMIGRANTS IN A BETTER WAY THAN REFORM!" hasn't led to them keeping all their council seats.

A guess a lot people will be spending a lot of today checking some slowly changing numbers on a BBC webpage. If you enjoy that sort of thing and want it to be a more than annual occurrence - can I recommend getting into county cricket?

Evergreen headline.

Sitting on the floor waiting for my sit-ups to start

god forbid a French rat live out his dream of becoming a chef on a cruiseship

kash patel has ordered polygraph tests of *former* employees? why would they agree to that? they don’t work for him! i won’t even do compliance forms for *my* former employers

a vanilla soy latte is a variety of three bean soup

I don't believe in dinosaurs. Not that they didn't exist, just that they never lived up to their full potential.

found this guy on Tiktok who has discovered carpenter's speed squares make an insanely satisfying noise when you bounce them off tires or wood, called @lostcoastedc on there

if are choosing between different ai agents, you could say that you're considering your sloptions

calmly trimming a bonsai tree with my teeth

happy w0r!d p4ssW0rd?123 day

C5's Four Acres With Fouracres is going to be the River Cottage of the '20s

Me: Yer moms is so tired cuz she works 3 jobs just to feed yer ass why can’t I have a mom like thaaaat 😭 Em: This your first rap battle ain’t it