could you. uhh. uhhhhh. i’ll just, find another seat,

I'm not sure I've ever seen a single sentence go downhill this far and this fast

so both my kids volunteered at the zoo for years and I hoped it would give them a respect for animals and life but instead it united them in their hatred. Over dinner they’d talk about how much of a bastard Mitch the screech owl was, or how much they hated the fucking tenrec.

Trying to imagine going back as recently as like 1997 and explaining to anybody that damp garbage person JD Vance became Catholic on purpose to give himself access to *more* political power

90% of being a good shitposter is not scaring the hoes. But the other 10% of being a good shitposter is scaring the hoes.

trying to do donuts in my 2006 matrix to impress a girl but all the wheels and doors fall off and i ragdoll 30 feet through the air dead as a doornail and my body gets stuck over a telephone wire

hell yeah work sucks

costco makes me pay them to do all the things i have always been told a free market would just do on its own

ALIEN (1979)

ms. pac-man failed to escape samsara and returned as a big scary bear, immediately falling into the same patterns that consumed her previously

hmm.

eels are out of pocket

huh.

hell yeah work sucks

ME, EVERY SINGLE MONDAY, 6:45AM:

after vomiting violently from the worst food poisoning of my life me, weakly, to no one: duff gardens huhraaah wife: you don't have to make everything a show me: goku didn't have to let vegeta live wife: i hope this kills you

Taught my kid to count Mississippi but replaced it with "nothing wrong with me" and now the school wants to "have a meeting"

🎵 Little voice inside my head said “Don’t eat that You should never eat that.” 🎵

Monday Mood

“it takes mammals about 12 seconds to poop” DADS: hey fuck you ok

happy father’s day my fellow dads

I think the only reason he eventually told her is so he could yell "CHANGE" out loud to himself every single time we passed through a toll booth forever after. And he did, until the day he died. Of course, she usually punched him in the arm whenever he did it.

My dad told my mom on their honeymoon that for $0.25 automatic toll booths, you have to yell "CHANGE" while tossing your coins if you aren't using a quarter or else they don't work. He let her go on doing that for 10 years before telling her. No moral.

my wife has reminded me that in the end she got the last laugh. she did, indeed, tell this story as posted at my late father’s wake

current father’s day status: had to use my leatherman’s saw to carve a fresh bevel on my wooden grill scraper because this new weber has porcelain stamped iron grates despite the years i spent forging this groove with stainless steel. change is bittersweet

Roasting one of the boys by proclaiming “A fell wind blows” as he enters the bar

tired of the "#1 dad" nonsense. if you're a dad, stop treating it like a joke and post your actual national dad ranking. i'm # 492,018, which is actually really high up there, but more importantly it lets me enter ranked dad lobbies where i can get matched up for fistfights with dads of my caliber

They should invent a new type of motions that you don’t have to even bother going through

as a parent ive never played favorites i love my wonderful son and the other child equally

Check out this sword stuck in a stone!!

Post a meme made by you

My first job was dressing up as a mascot for a local hairdresser. They got a booth at a soccer game and we were next to a radio station stage. While changing into the costume, my dad shoveled their shirts into my outfit's garbage bag and got caught. Security kicked us out. Lost my job. Love you, dad