if you think slings and arrows are a big deal that is low key sus to me

sandwich dreams…

im the meanest rickshaw driver in the city. im drafting around corners on one wheel. gentlewomens hats blown clean off in my wake. pedaling so fast you can’t see my legs at all. if you go beneath my wheels you will wake up in hell

chicago i have been in you

business is booming since I started pumping hot dog scented gas into the street to entice customers into my casual eatery

probably last post for a while. doing a red dead style last stand in the alton illinois train station

'nother werewolf

Wife: (knocking on a door set into the hollow beneath a ancient tree) These gnomes are my friends and colleagues please don’t embarrass me again Wife’s friend who is a gnome: welcome I’m so glad you could make it Me: Thank you for hosting us in your craggy hole, little friend

this is a conundrum worthy of the thoughtful ponderer… baby where’s my thinkin pipe

siegemogging fortresscels

they’re putting me in jail for making a tuna melt

storm over

anyway. supposed to be some weather later on i reckon. eyup

internet doctor has diagnosed me with something called “dumb brain”. he has also asked me to pick him up a monster energy and a steam gift card

death famine war pest of lence

writing yet another adaptation of bohéme but in mine the mimi character gets rabies

they’re shooting my ass with a gun

seafood buffet wait staff wrassling me to the ground like a ornery calf. roping me by the ankles and hauling me into the parking lot

doom corps high command sending me in for a sleep study bc i keep nodding off while im operating the soul thresher

pretty cool path. left hand? naturally

Hickories bloom. Average day of last frost in northern Missouri and the Ozark Pleateau. Cedar-apple rust appears.

made a ton of progress on the garden today. gonna make a dirty martini then cruise to sonic burger and smash that shit in my vehicle in the home depot parking lot while I listen to a podcast and look at clouds. love my stupid chungus midwest life

there’s a bird inside Lowe’s rn. nature so beautiful

r/pooping - user iwillneverpoop: hey guys. long time farter first time pooper here,

(to therapist) did you know the average mid 19th century American actually drank upwards of a quart of whiskey every day? i read that once. im good. i am chilling

speaking chinese like peggy hill

levitating out of my office chair thinking about spending the next two days working in my yard

good to see you master chief

making some adjustments to my trajectory during orbital drop so that my pod veers away from my squadron and punches clean to the ground floor dining area of a hokkaido seafood buffet

(sleater kinney voice) wash my ass wash my hair scrubbin my back baby cleanin my ears

oive cacked me trousers innit 😔

i found a gas station in the backrooms now i eat lunch there every day

(Kccchhhh) this is callsign grandpa. come in grandma, grandma come in over. report to the kitchen your tea is ready (Kkkkcchhh) (Kkkchhhh) grandma here i read you grandpa over. copy that im Oscar mike. inbound via the garage door over (kkchhhh)

this must be the Sandman’s Respite Inn, at last. i could use a decent nights rest… [interact with BED to gain expertise in the Snoozer trait]

need sturdy wife who wants to drink 100 beers in my back yard with me on a summers eve

(red to the elbows with brains and bloody goop and shit) are you not edutained?

expanding my poenus oeuvre

basically every Monday late morning I’m like hmmm why am i feeling extra tired and stupid rn and the answer is always that I forgot my shot yesterday. Monday pretty much shot day at this point

if the omens are inauspicious… miss me with that!

stained the fence today. garden posting incoming hot

I suspect apes live in the park by my house. I hear them tearing through the trees in my neighborhood in the small hours before dawn. I hear their frightful yammering

if the city ever gets breached catch me ascending the high tower in my best plummeting robes

do not make me spin up the mangler bro

time traveling to meet george washington and putting him in my car and driving fast as fuck and whipping just reckless as hell, driving the wrong way on the highway while he screams and screams his ol wooden teeth clean out

i make my footmen hold my bed aloft the entire time im sleeping every night and theyre getting really jacked

the inaugural international chili cook-off was held in 1967 in Terlingua, TX. The victory was tied between Wick Fowler of Austin, TX and H. Allen Smith of Mt. Kisco, NY. The cook-off continues to be held annually in Terlingua to this day

in the early 20th century, chili became a staple of chuck wagon cooks accompanying cowboys on drives through the Texas cattle country. from there it proliferated across the American southwest. i often imagine rising early on the range to black coffee and a bowl of red under the predawn texas sky

god has smiled upon me and also said “WHATS UP”