“The politicians will look up and post, ‘Please stop trying to murder the president!’ And I’ll whisper, ‘No.’” - Rorschach

I’m sorry but no, I’m not visiting a website on my phone instead of using the mobile app. “Just keep a tab open!” “It’s just as good! It totally doesn’t have a weird UI that halfasses a native UI lookalike!” “It doesn’t burn through your battery!” words uttered by liars

Is it a good film from the '90s, or does it just not look like it was shot in an Amazon warehouse.

“All I wanna do is Help some hamburger before I die.” Says the glove next to me Outta nowhere

*reads CNN for investigation updates*

i have a hard time feeling sympathy for a press that ushered open insurrectionists into power

I went to have cocktails to celebrate the giant meat grinder but then someone turned on the giant meat grinder and it was really loud and scary. and you're laughing

About last night’s scrambling from gun fire at White House reporters dinner .. Rep Jamie Raskin (D-MD) makes a critical point on CNN: “This is happening in schools across the country.. the kids have no resources to process their trauma”

this is america. you could find yourself within 100yds of a shooting at any time, in any place. school, the grocery store, a movie theater, a block party, a public park… it happens to regular people every day. but this week we’ll get 50+ weepy op-eds because it happened to the guys who write op-eds

Throwback to when a grown MAGA dipshit tried to assault a high school girl and the other kids all ganged up and beat his ass

Love to order something on Amazon, be like “Yeah this is p dece, very needs suiting” and order another one by clicking on the Buy It Again link, and when the second one arrives it’s an obvious counterfeit.

Mike's Hard Questions

This administration kidnaps people including children on a daily basis, started a war, and terrorized my hometown so badly that 2 people were killed and thousands wouldn’t leave their homes. Your response to go party with them. Miss me with you tears.

Everybody help Thurman’s very nice human or you’re dead to me

hello, i need some help for hopefully the last time. i've been doing all kinds of odd jobs this month to keep my head above water, but i am $450 short to pay off my past-due phone bill (they're gonna disconnect me on april 28th). please help me keep posting if you are able to!! (but if not it's ok)

Damn, it almost happened today

NGC 4826 - From Judy Schmidt (geckzilla.bsky.social) - https://flic.kr/p/2iEerHS

As a Colorado resident, this is nuts www.tiktok.com/t/ZP8gpcvR8/

WAITER: would you care for dessert JEFF: i’ll have the jello GEOFF: i’ll have the geollo JEFF: jesus christ not this again GEOFF: geosus christ

Rinsemaxxing the dishes Cleanmogging

The time has come My body is ready To eat dinner

DM me if you want to go to my job in my place tomorrow

If you try to "bridge" my stuff to Mastodon I'll get mad

Dark matter more like dork matter send skeet

Yes, Swiss scientist Fritz Zwicky coined the term “dark matter” which is impressive, but he also coined the term “spherical bastard” to describe people who are bastards no matter which way you look at them, and I think that should be celebrated more.

no i'm not bc i don't use that shit. skill issue

What We Talk About When We Talk About Kevin

If I got to be president, day one would be sending private equity people to Gitmo

You claim I have the power to be his friend, yet he does not answer my texts or emails… 🤔

What a coward @why.bsky.team @why.bsky.social

Cool, now images aren’t working. Great job @bsky.app

What will toxic weirdos on TikTok obsess over now that The Pitt Season 2 has ended?

Will be interesting to see what Apple does now that a hardware/product guy is gonna be at the wheel, instead of an operations guy.

horseshoe theory is real. leftists almost got kat abughazaleh elected into congress and now it comes out that her boyfriend owns infowars…

Haha funny post lmao

Alex Jones is having a bad day, and that makes me happy.

We have a deal. theonion.com/at-long-last...

This nightmare cost us so much money. Help us out! Get the tote. membership.theonion.com/iw/?campaign...

It’s finally happened. After 18 months. Finally, a media merger you can root for.

Sorry! (2026)

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars. We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director. Please stand by for more.

the penne opticon

4/20 braze it

What I wouldn’t give to be allowed to just go home and go to bed right now

Lmao every apartment I’ve seen has like 3 people who make twice as much money as me also going to see it and bidding up the price. If you do this kind of shit you are the problem and should consider killing yourself instead

Doom’s first episode was pretty creepy. System Shock 2 had me fukken scared AF. Alien: Isolation and Subnautica are probably the scariest games I’ve played as an adult.

Salute to an all-time tweet

What I wouldn’t give to be allowed to just go home and go to bed right now