Man Who Bumped Tesla While Parallel Parking Sentenced To Death http://theonion.com/man-who-bumped-tesla-while-parallel-parking-sentenced-to-death/

Revised National Parks Webpage Describes Harriet Tubman As Human Trafficker https://theonion.com/revised-national-parks-webpage-describes-harriet-tubman-as-human-trafficker/

Parents Gently Explain To Child That Their Money In Heaven Now https://theonion.com/parents-gently-explain-to-child-that-their-money-in-heaven-now/

Trump Assures Wall Street He’ll Go Back To Just Fucking Over Poor People Soon https://theonion.com/trump-assures-wall-street-hell-go-back-to-just-fucking-over-poor-people-soon/

Finance Guy Doing Cocaine In Sad Way This Time

Man Sneaks Bag Of Outside Stimuli Into Sensory Deprivation Tank https://theonion.com/man-sneaks-bag-of-outside-stimuli-into-sensory-deprivation-tank/

Commentary: Am I Ugly? https://theonion.com/am-i-ugly/

Are Tests Biased Against Students Who Don't Give A Shit

Single Man Sits On Own Hand Before Dialing 911 So It Feels Like Someone Else Cares https://theonion.com/single-man-sits-on-own-hand-before-dialing-911-so-it-feels-like-someone-else-cares/

JD Vance’s French Horn Solo Booed At Kennedy Center https://theonion.com/jd-vances-french-horn-solo-booed-at-kennedy-center/

Trump Announces New Visa Tier For Immigrants Who Will Be Friends With Barron https://theonion.com/trump-announces-new-visa-tier-for-immigrants-who-will-be-friends-with-barron/

Chuck Schumer Helps Pull Democrats Back From Brink Of Courage

Trump Says Recession Unfortunate But Necessary Step To Get To Depression https://theonion.com/trump-says-recession-unfortunate-but-necessary-step-to-get-to-depression/

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Cop Posing As Underage Girl Online Falls In Love With Pedophile https://theonion.com/cop-posing-as-underage-girl-online-falls-in-love-with-pedophile/

‘How Different Could Purified And Distilled Water Really Be?’ Thinks Humidifier Owner About To Enter World Of Shit https://theonion.com/how-different-could-purified-and-distilled-water-really-be-thinks-humidifier-owner-about-to-enter-world-of-shit/

Heroic Dog Saves Family Of 5 From Herb-Roasted Chicken https://theonion.com/heroic-dog-saves-family-of-5-from-herb-roasted-chicken/

Trump Unsure What Department He Has To Cut To Make JD Vance Go Away https://theonion.com/trump-unsure-what-department-he-has-to-cut-to-make-jd-vance-go-away/

Wooden Spoon Only Thing In Man’s Life That Not Giving Him Cancer https://theonion.com/wooden-spoon-only-thing-in-mans-life-that-not-giving-him-cancer/

Think Tank Called ‘The Himmler Institute’ Assures Nation This All Legal https://theonion.com/think-tank-called-the-himmler-institute-assures-nation-this-all-legal/

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Jealous Trump Boys Try To Convince Father That Barron A DEI https://theonion.com/jealous-trump-boys-try-to-convince-father-that-barron-a-dei/

Mitch McConnell Vows To Continue Falling Down Stairs In Face Of Fascist Takeover https://theonion.com/mitch-mcconnell-vows-to-continue-falling-down-stairs-in-face-of-fascist-takeover/

Musk Signals Willingness To Bid More Than $97 Billion To Acquire Respect https://theonion.com/musk-signals-willingness-to-bid-more-than-97-billion-to-acquire-respect/

Cat Clinging To Side Of Christmas Tree Admits That Was Extent Of Plan https://theonion.com/cat-clinging-to-side-of-christmas-tree-admits-that-was-1849899567/

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TV Network Refuses To Air ‘Miracle On 34th Street’ For Outdated Depictions Of Hope, Joy https://theonion.com/tv-network-refuses-to-air-miracle-on-34th-street-for-1848159248/

Emotionally Distant Family Spends Holidays Watching Touching Family Dramas Together https://theonion.com/emotionally-distant-family-spends-holidays-watching-tou-1819566264/

Home Depot Introduces New 12-Foot-Tall Baby Jesus Skeleton https://theonion.com/home-depot-introduces-new-12-foot-tall-baby-jesus-skele-1851069460/

Uncle Put More Thought Than Usual Into This Year’s Gift Cards https://theonion.com/uncle-put-more-thought-than-usual-into-this-year-s-gift-1819577308/

Christmas Tree Lot Guy So Ready For Annual 46-Week Vacation https://theonion.com/christmas-tree-lot-guy-so-ready-for-annual-46-week-vaca-1849919748/

Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ https://theonion.com/bullshit-newborn-not-even-christ/

Report: Nation's Wealthy Cruelly Deprived Of True Meaning Of Christmas

Santa Tracker Shows Sleigh Stopped For 40 Minutes Outside Old Girlfriend’s House https://theonion.com/santa-tracker-shows-sleigh-stopped-for-40-minutes-outside-old-girlfriends-house/

Parents Get Up Early To Place Santa Droppings Around Living Room To Convince Children He Visited https://theonion.com/parents-get-up-early-to-place-santa-droppings-around-li-1849919836/

Commentary: Ho, Ho, Ho! I’m Regrowing My Foreskin! https://theonion.com/ho-ho-ho-im-regrowing-my-foreskin-2/

Area Man Stops Self After Eating 3 Advent Calendars https://theonion.com/area-man-stops-self-after-eating-3-advent-calendars-1821461416/

Christmas Ham Strapped To Roof Of Car

Donut Pillow Shit For Smothering

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JD Vance Begins To Suspect There Another Group Chat https://theonion.com/jd-vance-begins-to-suspect-there-another-group-chat/

LAPD Arrests Everyone Who Lost Home In Fire https://theonion.com/lapd-arrests-everyone-who-lost-home-in-fire/

Relatives Gather From Across The Country To Stare Into Screens Together https://theonion.com/relatives-gather-from-across-the-country-to-stare-into-1819575960/

Felt Beard Taped To Child’s Face Hanging On For Dear Life With Entire Christmas Pageant To Go

Jealous Trump Throws Own State Funeral To Upstage Carter’s https://theonion.com/jealous-trump-throws-own-state-funeral-to-upstage-carters/

The Onion Looks Back At 'It's A Wonderful Life'

Gavin Newsom Spotted Dining At Smoldering Remains Of Nobu https://theonion.com/gavin-newsom-spotted-dining-at-smoldering-remains-of-nobu/

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Mall Santa Crying Hysterically In Photo With Toddler

Woman Struggles To Put Down Bags While Holding Coffee Like Dog Trying To Fit Stick Through Door https://theonion.com/woman-struggles-to-put-down-bags-while-holding-coffee-like-dog-trying-to-fit-stick-through-door/