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Study: 89% Of Husbands Planning To Surprise Wife On Valentine’s Day By Dressing As Naked, Chubby Cherub https://theonion.com/study-89-of-husbands-planning-to-surprise-wife-on-val-1823006999/

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Nicki Minaj https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-nicki-minaj/

PetSmart Introduces Heart-Shaped Puppy For Valentine’s Day https://theonion.com/petsmart-introduces-heart-shaped-puppy-for-valentine-s-1822980373/

Biden Grateful He’s Not Alive To See What Trump Doing To Country

Finnish Ski Jumping Team Caught Tampering With Earth’s Gravitational Field https://theonion.com/finnish-ski-jumping-team-caught-tampering-with-earths-gravitational-field/

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Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico

Couple Going At It Like Tired, Sexually Incompetent Rabbits https://theonion.com/couple-going-at-it-like-tired-sexually-incompetent-rab-1819574480/

Olympic Village Tour: See Where The Athletes Live, Train And Fuck Each Other

“You gotta see this. This is that girl you know! Right? I swear it looks exactly like her but with different hair,” the 11-time Pro Bowler said

“This morning before dawn, a hostage rescue team stormed a New York City townhouse and freed Savannah, who miraculously did not appear to be injured or even malnourished in any way,” said FBI director Kash Patel

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This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Skin of Omission

What To Know About TrumpRx https://theonion.com/what-to-know-about-trumprx/

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RFK Jr. Mandates All Americans Drink Mysterious Glowing Liquid https://theonion.com/rfk-jr-mandates-all-americans-drink-mysterious-glowing-liquid/

This Weeks Onion Magazine: ‘I Don’t Know How And It’s Not My Event’: Simone Biles On Her Decision Not To Snowboard At The Winter Olympics

FBI Announces They Have Located Savannah Guthrie

‘Yo! Taylor! Have You Seen This Shit?’ Yells Travis Kelce, Watching Lena Dunham Sex Scenes For First Time https://theonion.com/yo-taylor-have-you-seen-this-shit-yells-travis-kelce-watching-lena-dunham-sex-scenes-for-first-time/

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Skin of Omission

Political Profile: Pam Bondi https://theonion.com/political-profile-pam-bondi/

Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple

Pitchers And Catchers Report To Spring Training Dance https://theonion.com/pitchers-and-catchers-report-to-spring-training-dance/

U.S. Gains Almost No Jobs In 2025 https://theonion.com/u-s-gains-almost-no-jobs-in-2025/

Kid Rock Sells Entire Music Catalog For Extra-Large Bucket Of Cheese Balls

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Torrent Of Soap Issues From Wildly Unexpected Part Of Dispenser https://theonion.com/torrent-of-soap-issues-from-wildly-unexpected-part-of-d-1819574504/

“Our new Stephen video generator is an easy, user-friendly text-to-video model that can create clips up to two minutes long and will easily trick the commander-in-chief into believing Mexico has deployed nuclear weapons on the U.S. border,” said OpenAI CEO Sam Altman

“Finally, Americans will be able to enjoy a family-friendly tropical paradise that actually celebrates traditional values,” said Turning Point CEO Erika Kirk

Real Estate: It’s Gray Time!

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The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Nicki Minaj

Exhausted Friends Slowly Realize They Were Playing Board Game Wrong Entire 6 Hours https://theonion.com/exhausted-friends-slowly-realize-they-were-playing-board-game-wrong-entire-6-hours/

Report: Less Than 14% Of Those Arrested By ICE Had Criminal Record https://theonion.com/report-less-than-14-of-those-arrested-by-ice-had-criminal-record/

Turning Point USA Announces Alternative Puerto Rico https://theonion.com/turning-point-usa-announces-alternative-puerto-rico/

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Study: Bonobos Capable Of Human-Like Pretend Play https://theonion.com/study-bonobos-capable-of-human-like-pretend-play/

OpenAI Introduces Premium Video Generator For White House Advisors Manipulating Trump https://theonion.com/openai-introduces-premium-video-generator-for-white-house-advisors-manipulating-trump/

Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well

Screaming Guy Rolling Down Hill In Wheelchair Hopefully Part Of Olympics

Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles https://theonion.com/trump-still-polling-well-with-working-class-american-pedophiles/

Luge Gold Medalist Probably Main Luge Guy Now

Keys, Spare Change Fly Out Of Luge Athlete’s Pocket On First Turn

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