Friendship Moving Way Too Fast https://theonion.com/friendship-moving-way-too-fast-1819566736/

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

Bloomberg Defends NYPD's Controversial Stop And Kiss Program

Netanyahu: ‘These So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Lives’

Third Stepdad In Row Has Goatee

Relaxing Tea Better Fucking Work https://theonion.com/relaxing-tea-better-fucking-work-1819579209/

The Onion’s Exclusive Interview With Gavin Newsom https://theonion.com/the-onions-exclusive-interview-with-gavin-newsom/

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Desperate Kash Patel Asks Shooter’s Family If They Can Solve Any Other Cases

Area Man Has Sad Little Routine For When He Needs Cheering Up https://theonion.com/area-man-has-sad-little-routine-for-when-he-needs-cheer-1819569359/

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Tips For Junk Journaling https://theonion.com/tips-for-junk-journaling/

Trump Still Polling Well With Working-Class American Pedophiles

Joe Burrow Frustrated Hospital Won’t Take Bengals’ Insurance https://theonion.com/joe-burrow-frustrated-hospital-wont-take-bengals-insurance/

Pentagon Announces New Clean-Shaven Grooming Standards https://theonion.com/pentagon-announces-new-clean-shaven-grooming-standards/

Cooking Class Instructor Can Already Tell Which Couples Signed Up Based On Marriage Counselor’s Recommendation https://theonion.com/cooking-class-instructor-can-already-tell-which-couples-1819579255/

Everyone At Wedding Singles Table Cousins

Gavin Newsom, Kristi Noem Nod Silently To Each Other In Plastic Surgeon’s Office

Internet Outage Forces Public Into Street To Voice Their Inane Opinions

Bored Trump Spends Night Channel Surfing For New Shows To Cancel https://theonion.com/bored-trump-spends-night-channel-surfing-for-new-shows-to-cancel/

Left-Wing Group Too Disorganized For FBI Agents To Infiltrate https://theonion.com/left-wing-group-too-disorganized-for-fbi-agents-to-infi-1848923025/

Fearful Americans Stockpiling Facts Before Federal Government Comes To Take Them Away https://theonion.com/fearful-americans-stockpiling-facts-before-federal-gove-1819579589/

Al Michaels Recaps History Of Football For Viewers Just Tuning In https://theonion.com/al-michaels-recaps-history-of-football-for-viewers-just-tuning-in/

“Maybe I met him on some boys’ trip? I feel like I’ve seen his penis before. Have we ever gone swimming at the same time? You have a mole right here under your rib cage, right?” said Trump

Real Estate: Post-HGTV Disaster

Taylor Swift Breaks Down ‘The Life Of A Showgirl’ Track By Track https://theonion.com/taylor-swift-breaks-down-the-life-of-a-showgirl-track-by-track/

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This Week's Onion Magazine:

Murder Suspect Found To Have To-Do List For Cover Up https://theonion.com/murder-suspect-found-to-have-to-do-list-for-cover-up/

Nation Grateful To GOP For Protecting It From TV

From ‘The Onion’ Editorial Board: In Defense Of Mass Censorship https://theonion.com/in-defense-of-mass-censorship-1848673776/

Man Just Waiting Tables Until Fundamental Structure Of U.S. Economy Changes https://theonion.com/man-just-waiting-tables-until-fundamental-structure-of-1819579213/

Fox News Host Apologizes For Saying Mentally Ill Homeless People Should Be Executed https://theonion.com/fox-news-host-apologizes-for-saying-mentally-ill-homeless-people-should-be-executed/

Netanyahu: ‘These So-Called Genocide Experts Have Probably Never Committed A Genocide In Their Lives’

1 Onion Subscriber vs 20 Non-Subscribers on our new series: Encircled. Subscribe at https://membership.theonion.com/?campaign=701a500001bfegPAAQ to get the paper delivered to your door.

Trump Spends Entire U.K. Trip Trying To Figure Out Where He Knows Prince Andrew From

79 Years Ago Today: Gum In Our Schools!

Report: You To Be Fired For Reading This Headline About Charlie Kirk

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All Of Child’s Fondest Memories Times When Dad Trying To Make Up For Things https://theonion.com/all-of-child-s-fondest-memories-times-when-dad-trying-t-1819577766/

Friend Really Laying Into Self For Failing To Reply To Email Sooner https://theonion.com/friend-really-laying-into-self-for-failing-to-reply-to-1819579269/

Report: Laura’s Divorce Threatens Razor-Thin Democratic Majority In Family https://theonion.com/report-laura-s-divorce-threatens-razor-thin-democratic-1819576924/

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be https://theonion.com/area-man-passionate-defender-of-what-he-imagines-consti-1819571149/

Tom Cruise Buys Fitbit To Help Him Get 10,000 Daily Stunts https://theonion.com/tom-cruise-buys-fitbit-to-help-him-get-10000-daily-stunts/

New Uber Feature Allows Women To Request Nonthreatening Eunuch Driver https://theonion.com/new-uber-feature-allows-women-to-request-nonthreatening-eunuch-driver/

Toaster Really Hitting Its Stride Recently

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