I

That's one cross word.

Checking Out, indeed ... @theonion.com

Fear not, Patriots! If the “Iran War” doesn’t start moving his numbers in a positive direction, there’s always “Plan B." @theonion.com

My Latest is a Testament to the Enduring Power of Friendship. T-Shirts available at The Onion Store now. @theonion.com store.theonion.com/products/bff...

War ain't what it used to be. @theonion.com

The Internets are full of Sickos these days ... @theoddkepple.bsky.social

A new front in The War of Protein ... @theonion.com

Happy SOTU, proud patriots. We’ve come a long way, baby! @theonion.com

I cannot tell a lie: I’ve been so busy celebrating President’s Day Week that I forgot to post this earlier. @theonion.com

Hearty Congratulations to our President for winning the coveted “Undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal Award” just last week! @theonion.com

My latest for @theonion.com : theonion.com/skin-of-omis...

Eyes Wide Shut-In. @theonion.com

Deep cut: 6 years ago, our loss was Heaven’s gain. @theonion.com

Happy Birthday to Emo Philips. Some say he’s a “stand up guy” … I say he’s a Sicko. @emophilips.bsky.social

I stopped by “The Late Show” (soon to be the LATE Late Show) to give Mr. Colbert a piece of my hand-drawn mind. @colbertlateshow.bsky.social

BREAKING: “Pope Leo Denounces Anti-Foreigner Action” - Newsweek @theonion.com

Tie Fighter. My latest:

Look for me in "Melania 2." @theonion.com

This Sicko was on "On With Kara Swisher" in front of some familiar artwork ... www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrFz... @bencollins.bsky.social @karaswisher.bsky.social @theonion.com

For your inner Paul Bunyan:

Helicopter parents "STRIKE" ... @theonion.com

“Melania” opens today!! Grab some popcorn … and more! @theonion.com

In fairness, the Hall of Fame couldn’t get it up for him either. @theonion.com

Going from Bad to Norsk. @theonion.com theonion.com/thats-norway...

So much talk about the “Chips made in China” … but what about the Dips?!? @theonion.com

Update from me and @theonion.com :

After the latest winter storm, we want to escape “Ice,” too … @theonion.com

WHAT'S WRONG WITH SICKO FANS?!?!? @theonion.com

Stand With The Sinister Minnesotans Against ICE https://store.theonion.com/products/sinister-minnesotans-t-shirt?variant=44569654984773

Hiring - en mask! @theonion.com

Congratulations on the MLK Day, my fellow Americans: We beat racism! @theonion.com

Achtung-tied. @theonion.com

🏆🥇 @theonion.com

Outlook for the new year ...

A name you can trust.

Some advice for you fancy folks going out on the town tonight:

Lesson learned! Hopefully my tough-love message didn’t sting too badly, but sometimes that’s what it takes. Now we have the Trump Kennedy Center, Trump Gold Cards, and Trump-class battleships, just as God intended. You’re welcome, America. @theonion.com

Thank you, @theonion.com

Thanks for nothing, @time.com . @theonion.com

Let's come together to prevent elder abuse. @theonion.com

Let's make this the best Christmas. Ever. @theonion.com

Shrubs me the wrong way. @theonion.com

Something special for you folks in the latest Onion: the 2025 Kelly Wrapping Paper has arrived to make spirits bright. You’re welcome, Santa Kelly @theonion.com

Wrap band. @sickoscommittee.org

This holiday season, please think of the children. @theonion.com