That doctor dung him wrong. @theonion.com

My latest:

Sure to cause a “feeding” frenzy ... @theonion.com

Happy 80th Birthday to our Cognitive-Test-Acer-In-Chief! @theonion.com

America is “Getting Rolled”* *Latest Fad Slang @theonion.com

Intensive Careless. theonion.com/schtick-star... @theonion.com

Our once-great country has gone from D-Day to Zzzzzzzz-Day. @theonion.com

Some SICKO got arrested protesting our patriotic Data Centers … and look what he was wearing: www.instagram.com/reel/DZEijHN...

A “Stranger” will unite us! @theonion.com

More and more, these radical thoughts are being eSPOUSEd … @theonion.com

I’ve lost my appetite. @theonion.com

A heaping helping of Kelly Kudos to this pillar of journalism for such refined and sophisticated use of BOTH Lady Liberty and Uncle Sam:

Get excited, ladies - your new physical appearance guide is on the stands now! @theonion.com

Zzzzzzzzzz

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: Zzzzzzz

Gradgitation Ceremony. @theonion.com

I tip my stylish hat to the Selfless Sponsors of last night's Met Gala!* *Latest Fad @theonion.com

This Weeks Editorial Cartoon: There Grows The Neighborhood

Sicko.

A long time ago … in a Hollywood far, far away … this Sicko betrayed Trekkiedom. May the 4th be … over soon. @theonion.com

At last, something ALL Americans can celebrate! The stewards of our nation’s mighty Supreme Court have confirmed what so many of us already knew: Racism is a thing of the past! Thanks for your help, Voting Rights Act - we’ll take it from here! @theonion.com

CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW YOU DAMN FOOL LUNATIC TEENAGE DRIVERS?!?!?!?

Who needs a “Mentalist”* when you have a cartoonist who knows what government officials are thinking? My cartoon from February. *Latest Fad @theonion.com

A message to Sickos abandoning All-American Alcohol for the Latest Fad “420 Day”: Just because you CANnabis doesn't mean you SHOULDabis. @theonion.com

Get excited. www.nytimes.com/2026/04/20/b...

I FINALLY HAVE A SUSPICIOUS HOT DISH CASSEROLE DISH I am so stoked 😂

Ten Years ago this month: America came together in the cherished tradition of guessing how a celebrity died. @theonion.com

Some Sicko posted this. Not to nit-pick, but shouldn’t it read, “Yes … Hi-Diddly-Ha-Ha-Ha … YES!” @thesimpsonsonfox.bsky.social

The President lashed out at Tucker Carlson this week. I get it. I’ve never forgiven Tucker for stealing the nightly, prime time slot from my dearest, supple Megyn (no relation).

That’s right, Sickos: you get one of my cartoons in each issue.

If you need proof that America is in decline, just tune into “Strip Law” on Net Flicks (latest fad) by some Sicko named Cullen Crawford. Perry Mason and other Innocent TV Lawyers weep. @hellocullen.bsky.social

Delta Forces its way through the gates. My latest: theonion.com/norris-god/

ANOTHER bankrupting ruling against America’s favorite funnyman. As they said on “Fat Albert,” it’s like school in the summertime: No Class. @theonion.com

I

That's one cross word.

Checking Out, indeed ... @theonion.com

Fear not, Patriots! If the “Iran War” doesn’t start moving his numbers in a positive direction, there’s always “Plan B." @theonion.com

My Latest is a Testament to the Enduring Power of Friendship. T-Shirts available at The Onion Store now. @theonion.com store.theonion.com/products/bff...

War ain't what it used to be. @theonion.com

The Internets are full of Sickos these days ... @theoddkepple.bsky.social

A new front in The War of Protein ... @theonion.com

Happy SOTU, proud patriots. We’ve come a long way, baby! @theonion.com

I cannot tell a lie: I’ve been so busy celebrating President’s Day Week that I forgot to post this earlier. @theonion.com

Hearty Congratulations to our President for winning the coveted “Undisputed Champion of Beautiful Clean Coal Award” just last week! @theonion.com

My latest for @theonion.com : theonion.com/skin-of-omis...