This goes without saying:

some nerd: Hey man you should stop jacking off. The latest stats said that jacking off is down 7% over the past 90 days me: holy shit (stops jacking off and lists all my jacking off equipment on ebay)

Looking forward to reading an article containing the clause, “Former podcaster, former FBI Director, and current podcaster.”

tis the season

I would love to be exported to CSV

If you want revenge, then dig two graves. the first one is a practice grave to get a feel for it and the second is your main or "show grave"

You guys are way overthinking it. The funniest tweet was “White people be following the mayor on twitter.”

perhaps this Pam should have done some more of “Bondi”-ng at work with her boss, if she did not want to lose her job, because you must bond with your boss. You must bond with your boss.

Wearing my “Who Ate All The Pussy?” t-shirt to dinner and all the other cannibals groan and roll their eyes

PassedOat™ Sleep Oat Bag: For Good Dreams, Oat Nutrients

🚨 NASA has BANNED astronaut Martin Waulf from bringing his three-screen gooning rig aboard the Artemis II. “Gooning is not conducive to a productive lunar mission,” said NASA Commander Ed Branch. LIKE and SHARE if you think astronauts should be allowed to #GoonOnTheMoon!

If it’s good enough for Big Bill, it’s good enough for me.

Jay Leno HAS touched his Tonight Show money. He touches it all the time, in fact. Now before you grab your pitchforks and torches, you might want to take a quick gander at today’s date.

pain at the pump (slipped on banana peel and fell on the gas pump nozzle and the nozzle went directly up my ass)

they call them driveways because you drive on them for a second before you park and also after you start your car again

I used Claude to spin up an author-swapping LLM trained on 21.6 million bestselling novels that rewrites entire books in the style of other writers. Currently reading the Harry Potter series written by Octavia Butler so it’s no longer problematic.

What’s a good image to use for computer desktop screen background?

Washing machine lowkey goes crazy when you need to clean your clothes.

This is the right way to think about Canada Post. Now if you just add postal banking and free (basic) postal haircuts then you’ve really got a platform.

Shrimp of Theseus

sam altman is going to need to build such a big winchester house for all the ai psychosis family annihilation ghosts

Squad successfully snagged like 40k of loot from pinwheel and then got Three Stooges-style stuck crouched on top of each other in an air vent. Bottom guy had to burn himself to death with chem grenades to free us. Made the final exfil with five seconds left. Game of the year

no kings except suc-"king" my own dick. and brother, long live the king

Tornado Warning

What are the struggles of Whoopi Goldberg?

Can I borrow $155

looking at information

No one wants to talk about it but Drinkable Cheeseburger is an allegory for the subprime mortgage crisis.

To: [email protected] From: [email protected] Subject: be in our entorage kash patel my friend this is vincent chase from tv entourage we want you to be in our entorage send your email login details pls turtle is here to hello this is turtle

email leaks? no, email drives. drives on the information superhighway, that is. at quite a high speed, might I add.

Leno touch money

eating a carrot while hitting myself with a stick

(Guy who has no idea who Ghislaine Maxwell is but has been lobbying for years for all publications to post photos of chicks in bikinis alongside any article about anything) Yes! Yes they should!

@roryblank.bsky.social wore the Total Information Collapse shirt to work today and was on zoom with 50-60 elderly rug hookers and they loved my shirt and I gave you a shout out so if you get an influx of mabels and gertrudes that’s from me

Hitler’s paintings were so important to me as a stupid child who wanted so badly to be a painting

Gang. GANG. Here's that Ghanian bootleg Cheers artwork you were looking for.

maybe instead of posting about the triangle shirtwaist factory you should tri a new angle: put on a clean shirt, stop waisting your time, and get a job

Very soon a banker is going to tell you to put something called "Moon Bonds" in your portfolio. Do not listen to this banker.

mor elike Michael Iam Stupid

Something's Different About Franky

got awarded the order of canada

Accidentally riddled myself with debt and saddled a guy with bullets

Everybody’s Marathon k/d should be publicly viewable but only by typing out the full handle (including the digits at the end), then entering your Bungie password, then entering a two-factor code. If you wanna call me James Bond 0.07 that’s fine but you gotta be vulnerable for a sec in game to do it.

Dreamt Tucker Carlson did a segment on Slay the Spire 2, and he was outraged by the lack of a type of card called “deck blasters,” which he did not explain. What’s going on? Where are the deck blasters? What happened to this country? Maybe there aren’t any deck blasters because of Israel.