I like a sandwich that makes a solid “whump” when you toss it on the table

torso-only closed casket

Me and the fellas all got our bread price fixing settlement money and we’re playing hooky from work to eat $49 of bread apiece in the Superstore parking lot

phone keeps autocorrecting 9/11 to 9/12 which feels like the deep state is attempting the ultimate Mandela effect as a heat check

Billy Joel should just start playing the Cheers theme at his shows and claim it’s one of his. “I wrote this next one for a little TV show some of you might have seen.” Never waver on his belief when questioned. What could anyone do?

boss makes a dollar, i make a dime. everyone contributes here at the mint

It’s not weird that Grogu dies in the movie (falls into spacewood chipper) but it IS weird that the Mandalorian is able to go to the first convenience store he sees to buy a tiny casket. Why are tiny caskets for sale in every store?

maybe instead of being concerned with the “birth rate” you should be concerned with the “blurt rate” of crap from your mouth

baffling

There are over 100 bones in the human body, but none more important than the children bone. Because the children are our future bones.

scottish luke skywalker be like aye watch me toss this lightcaber

I would love to be exported to CSV

[Drunk text] What is teh name of Snoppis' yellow frind? The berd

After three years of working here I finally discovered the bathroom thats six inches from a work station that is not my own has a fan. Which means I’ve got a lot of worry-free crapping to catch up on

Would you mind providing a blurb for the back of my head?

If the weatherman told me the temperature was going to be in the mid-to-high teens tomorrow I’d hit him with the “wasn’t that what they call you and your friends in high school when they smoked weed?” You can use that one too. Free of charge.

Time’s Moments: The Events of Life’s Occasion

Not going to bother discussing politics with people anymore other than to suggest creating a Special Economic Zone and not elaborating. Immigration? Special Economic Zone. Health Care? Special Economic Zone. Infrastructure? You know what it is.

Sorry cast members, no tips today. This Disney adult’s wallet is feeling a little “Goofy” from these darn gas prices

The end of the day is lowkey when work is over

Glad to hear the Federal Reserve is getting a Warsh… ‘cause it was stanky! 😂

Guy who refuses to fill out the census because it’s liberal bullshit and his Facebook bio is just the names and ages of his children

Got one of those tiny e-readers. This thing would be perfect for reading about your dick, your bank balance, or the number of hoes you get

Boss pronouncing URL like “Earl” but I didn’t say anything after the first Earl and it would have been insane to say something after Earl twelve.

Hot cup o’ leaf piss. Big mug o’ bag juice. “It’s Tea Time”

Now that's what I call a dab rig

Spring peepers singing me to sleep tonight, not monetizing their shit, making $0.00 off this, stop giving your chirps away god damn it, let me e-transfer you

My "agentic" AI son has generated revenge porn of me and inserted it without my knowledge into the church newsletter. But I believe he has learned from his mistake, and even if not, I can barely be mad - we're almost finished formulating our groundbreaking "new geometry" based on "number quimbles".

Need a class of water

Getting closer…

Nobody in this website knows anything about millennial culture. The most millennial shipping container is OBVIOUSLY the China International Marine Container ISO Shipping Container

I would love to write a confusing guide to interpersonal relationships titled 𝘈𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘐𝘴 𝘕𝘰𝘵 𝘐𝘯𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦: 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘝𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘨𝘺 and then overdose on liquid morphine in the green room of The Today Show

The #1 Millennial sound is you guessed it, audio

at the farmers market flipping over every sweet little old lady’s table with AI designs on the tumblers and coffee mugs. “this is basically what Jesus did in that temple,” I shout as I’m hauled out

Set up a notification to pop up on my phone every 2 seconds while I’m driving that says “Don’t forget to look at the road.”

Mother’s Day is just a psyop by Big Mother. Which by the way is what they call your mother, because of how she sits around the house and has her own area code.

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I call them “child labour loss.” Not child labour laws. Because the existence of them, impacts my mining interests in a way that makes for a loss. Do you know what I mean?

They should combine all medicine into one big pill that everyone takes once every day

I launched 3 missiles and 4 drones which resulted in 4 moderate injuries but your thing is cool too I guess

pretty much every guy in every movie is based off me

I don’t want to earn a billion dollars, I want to LEARN a billion dollars. And maybe you should too, if you want to have the world together of kindness. Nameste.

(“Walking in Memphis” voice) I’m Sucking My Own Dick

Nintendo is making a new character called Interesting Kong

Yeah I got the hantavirus…. Hanta a coupla ice cold beers

found this guy on Tiktok who has discovered carpenter's speed squares make an insanely satisfying noise when you bounce them off tires or wood, called @lostcoastedc on there

1990s VHS • Self Hypnosis Training Video 60 FPS : 1228s