coining the phrase "in a pigs minute" ex: i'll be there in a pigs minute

Getting too rowdy with my cousins at the kids table and breaking 5 chairs and spilling out all the gravy and now the dogs are fighting over it and i have to yell that im not sorry over all the barking and yelling

If youre smoking weed with your cousins this thanksgiving please remember that rosemary or thyme essential oils will mask the scent of good sticky weed really well and they just smell like vicks vaporub so just say you got the sniffles and youre golden. Stoned at dinner in secret.

People are always after lickin my beautiful skin

Shedding my impressive antlers beside the trail so that hikers may know I am a proud buck that commands respect among my fellow deer* *Growing my nails too long so they snap off when I handle wet laundry

dont spit on the ground, the dirt in your yard is slowly developing a taste for humans. thats how sink holes happen.

ever think about how none of us was born dry

Throwing a rat AT my enemies, but throwing a rat TO my friends

This is my pet rat, Corey Orlando. He only eats monster energy drink and he bites.

Watching millennial cringe videos. We really do be like that tho. Wretched. The boomers were right to hate us.

Saga Genits

The new corter leather video where he shows you how to upcycle a louis vuitton bag into a leather and improve on all their lazy cheap shit is very catty and funny

Can I offer you a hot mug of stew, wayfarer?

My uncle Norris always goes mad with power after supping from his poisoned chalice a bit too long and tries to overthrow the other uncles

Disapproving looks as I take one too many ladles of the family pottage at Christmas dinner

Rip ted K you would have loved AI

Your power bill has tripled and you can't afford new PC parts just to create this.

Im finally at a place that has electricity after 4 days without. Had a godly shower. Apropos of that, im so eternally greatful ive never had to have sex with anyone before the advent of running water

Im just cleaning your windshield, officer!

GamersNexus, may you never change and may you grow increasingly cantankerous and anti-big business. Gaming is back baby

Lmfao bsky.app/profile/lizr...

If you pay attention to any large industry long enough and follow it to its logical conclusion you eventually end up sounding like a communist even if you started off testing CPU case fans. youtu.be/cUrJVdF2me0?...

Bari Weiss won't hear your remarks about how disgusted you are with her toadying to the admin but on the other hand yes she will, these people are absolute dogs for attention and would eat their own vomit on live TV if it meant even three people would notice them

Becoming boyd crowder

my sister's cat Chicken Nugget who loves laying on things she's using

*Listening to a FLAC recording of a gravel truck flipping over on the highway* so true bestie damn

Blocking a big account that everyone follows because they are annoying is honestly so fucking cathartic. The professional hot takers are the bane of social media. They must be culled like diseased lifestock

After 44 hours with live power lines in my yard, they have arrived to disconnect my power, but only after we threatened Nova Scotia Power with legal action and showed that we had recorded 911 and calls about this.

40 hours now of live power lines in down on my property in an urban. Still not ETA or response from Nova Scotia Power. Ive had children and animals snooping and I'm terrified someone of someone being hurt or killed especially a kid. Neighbourhood is full of kids @nsgov.bsky.social

A cute thing i do is if a book makes me cry i dab a tear into the top left hand corner of the page. Idk why but ive done it for as long as I can remember. Since i was a little.

Oh, shaving cream. Aren't we all, especially around the holidays

Still havent shown up. 34 hours now of live wiring draped over my property. Nova Scotia power doesnt give a single fuck about my safety or the safety of nova scotians. It needs to be destroyed.

this is the greatest feeling, when the cord box proves its utility to a family member

could there be a god for a rotten man

Im not up on boxing these days but i used to box and i just watched the andrew tate fight and its the sloppiest shit i have ever seen. That uppercut came from 6 feet away and was telegraphed with a bullhorn. Neither one of those guys could fight worth shit. Was that a real match?

*Listening to a FLAC recording of a gravel truck flipping over on the highway* so true bestie damn

Its been 26 hours and im insane from lack of sleep. Idk how long ive been awake. Since around 6am friday morning. Some dozing but i cant relax with this. I have to keep chasing away deer and lookie loos. Im getting increasingly deranged, kinda rangy lookin. Please come turn off the power. Please

Trying to explain to my 70yo parents that im not IN LOVE with my NFT girlfriend, she's an INVESTMENT and one day her true love will buy her from me for $605k. She's still technically a virgin for gods sake.

Hello, 911? Someone stole my prompt ... It's what you type into a chat thing to make a picture ... It was an oil painting of Santa with giant breasts ... No, not Mrs Claus, Santa ... Technically, the prompt is priceless, but I'll be selling the NFT for $900 ... No, they need to come sooner than that

My parents rented a portapotty for this big outdoor event and my mom keeps telling people she wants it FULL when it goes back because they charged for the whole weekend.

The priest at my snake church said science is a myth

Canadians are finally back on the rye. Bless you Prime Minister Tim Horton

I know it's a busy time of year but I really hope you can make it to my Tunguska event

An overblown anime magical girl transformation sequence, but I'm just taking off my pants after getting home from work

The boys at work caught me making my GI Joes kiss in the truck and now they all want a turn like break time is infinite or something

I love my perfect opinions 💎