Someday, there’s gonna be statues for everyone who tried

it’s so tiresome how we all know what needs to be done but you’re not allowed to say it

This is just any Spencer's

got a new phone a couple weeks ago and for some reason it loves telling me about the weather in ottawa, 2700 miles east of me. if i was younger or smarter i'm sure i'd know how to fix it but hey what are ya gonna do?

just a coincidence folks nothing to see here

Charles ENTERTAINMENT Kirk

old people who just shuffle into the crosswalk without even looking i know what you're up to and i'm not playing your game you're not getting off easy on my dime buddy

Does anyone else ever experience a dim glimmer of self-awareness? Personally I can't stand it.

cars are fucking amazing man i'm literally moving through time and space but i'm sitting totally still and listening to mr. worldwide or the arkells or a sonata by liszt and watching the world like it's on an imax screen and fuck you no i'm not high. TIME AND SPACE IT'S MINDBLOWING

every new NIN song sounds like the last new NIN song which is fine by me because i love NIN i'm just sayin' is all

price of gas is NOTHING compared to the suffering the guy who used to fuck kids has caused his victims and their families if we're putting things in perspective tho. i mean c'mon now....

price of gas is up over 75 cents a gallon because a guy who used to fuck kids sent a bunch of boats with guns and planes and dogs with bees in their mouths to the middle east so you wouldn't think about the kids he used to fuck that's the world we're living in now

get back here, you

Can't wait for this dreadfully dull Olympic tournament to wrap up so we can get back to exciting Canucks hockey action! 🏒🥅

Live Laugh LShit on the floor in the bathroom at work and tell no one and make your coworkers step in it before one of them inevitably has to clean it up and then show up the next day like nothing even happened 😎

Okay before you read this thread I want you to guess why she got divorced, then click:

The Royal Family are said to be devastated after Prince Andrew’s car crash next Wednesday.

okay i take it back do NOT fund the arts

Part girl guide. Part genius. All heroine. 𝗠𝗮𝗰𝗚𝗮𝗹𝘃𝗲𝗿 coming this fall to CBS

HE'S JUST A LITTLE GUY

"all my bysmal, gone 🙃" -- me after being abysmal

Making a hot sauce called "step on my balls mommy"

this joke is so dad it went out for cigarettes and never came back

starshit enterprise

first snowfall of the winter, lasted maybe six minutes and it's raining again 🤪

is it time to kill all the billionaires yet?

after everything he's gone through, Elmer Fudd is just lucky to be alive

i'm dumber than a mouse 😭

The “Die Hard Universe” theory is the interesting idea that all the Die Hard movies take place in one shared universe. I watched a four hour YouTube video explaining it.

you know who was also always checking up on agents? and died for our sins? that's right, mr neo matrix

forgot the best part when i woke up this morning and went into my little office the mouse had moved one of the glue traps SIX FEET ACROSS THE ROOM he's laughing at me and calling me a peasant....

we 100% cannot catch the mouse. in a compromise between just letting him run around (my plan) and poison (her plan) my wife bought glue traps. he doesn't give a shit, he just runs around/over them. got slightly caught once, you can see his little hand prints in there. the nacho chip was gone.

So-called "AI" in every form, needs to be abolished. I am so tired of being exposed to this level of obscene perversion. If you ever try to talk to me about "agents", "Claude", or "shipping code", I will consider it an act of brazen hostility. I will respond with immediate & overwhelming force.

I'll do it.

nowadays Bart Simpson would just come out and say "eat my shit"

please clap

print this out and give it to ur sweetie

63 year long seinfeld episode wherein george lies about his birthday on a first date to get free dessert from the restaurant. but he really hits it off with the girl. they fall in love and get married. he has to roll the fake birthday for the rest of his life. kramer & elaine visit the amish market.

Roses are red Violets are blue I'm an amorous radioactive hybrid terror pig And I choo choo choose you

Cheeseburge r

i am 35 today

pizza was invented in Kansas

greg won't take tylenol or advil for anything because he says it affects his short-term memory and he can't remember the lectures that he gives every thursday night at the sc*ent*logy center, just throwin that out here

That raccoon’s name? John McClane.

What he doing in there

60+ minutes later, the lonesome old reply guy staggers away from the monitor. in his holster, a banana....

TONIGHT..... WITNESS A MAN WITH EXPONENTIALLY INCREASING ADHD ATTEMPT TO GET THROUGH THE LAST 22 MINUTES OF STAR TREK DISCO S4 E9. THE FATE OF THE NATION HANGS IN THE BALANCE

Hey gang, it's me: Sloane Veronica! Did you know that blondes have more fun? Hope you enjoyed this "life hack" from me, Sloane Veronica—and remember to give me a "follow" if you enjoyed it.