Wish I’d been named Nature so that I’d have a cool and cryptic way to tell people I don’t like vacuuming. Also, people could excuse themselves from awkward moments at dinner to talk to me while they sit on the toilet.

There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. -Really? Gross. I don’t know why she swallowed the fly. -Yeah, if it was on purpose, that’s super weird. Perhaps she’ll die? -Whoa. That’s dark. Did you like the fly or something

Area Swamplizard discovers cure for loneliness epidemic by googling “home owner’s insurance quote” one time, now wants to die even more.

However, he still may be found liable in the civil soup.

Melania giving birth to Baron Trump (2006). Associated Press.

I believe it's valid for people to want to keep single-serving, square sandwiches on-hand for personal hunger, but no civilian needs a toasted sub

However, he still may be found liable in the civil soup.

I believe it's valid for people to want to keep single-serving, square sandwiches on-hand for personal hunger, but no civilian needs a toasted sub

Telling everyone what % of their lives they spend looking for cables, charging stuff, putting gas in stuff, feeding machines in general, would destroy civilization

We call them dollars here, actually.

Going to be really disappointed if MTG is trying to pivot to being normal. I really thought her detachment from reality was genuine. A reprehensible ‘true believer’ is at least a little interesting, whereas cynical opportunists are dime-a-dozen. I’m so tired of our pro wrestling politics.

Hi! Hello, how’s it going? Great, great. So I think there’s been an error. Here, it says that I have things to do today. Like—yeah, for most of the day. But if you look here, I also had things to do yesterday. Right, but no, it actually gets worse. Look at tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. More things.

Hi! Hello, how’s it going? Great, great. So I think there’s been an error. Here, it says that I have things to do today. Like—yeah, for most of the day. But if you look here, I also had things to do yesterday. Right, but no, it actually gets worse. Look at tomorrow. Yeah, yeah. More things.

From @theonion.com to the @nytpitchbot.bsky.social, it’s fascinating how prescient satire has proven to be. Not just in spirit, which has always been true, and is the point of satire, but also in literal substance. Every time satire moves to a higher vantage point to mock, reality quickly catches up

Making a shift to ethically-sourced, 100% recycled microplastics in my organs

We can’t afford socialism to feed people, but we can afford it to feed the Silicon Valley plagiarism machine

“Did Women Ruin the Workplace?” is the kind of questioning that ruins a workplace

bluesky should have a labeler for posts that are jokes

it would be healing for me to watch ezra klein admit he was wrong about literally everything while dressed as a dumpster possum and eating spoiled cream cheese from a trash bag full of swept up barbershop hair like it was a horrible little sundae.

It's good to have one rascal dog, and one narc dog. The narc dog is the one that looks guilty when the rascal dog is up to some shit.

Ordered a taxi for my burrito. “Where’m I takin’ it?” the driver asked, as I buckled it into the seat. “Where would you go, if you were about to be eaten?” “I’d want to sit by the canal,” the cabbie replied. “Watch the sunrise one last time.” “Then take it there,” I said. And they were off.

Caught in a high stakes game of cat and mouse where the mouse is me and the cat is a cat

Pain meds and antibiotics for the next couple of weeks, let’s hope he’s fine

Survived surgery. Obstruction removed. Now recovery.

Eating my feelings, but I have depression so it’s actually a diet

I love a good movie about a dog that does typical dog stuff like rolling in the mud then bursting through a poorly latched exterior door of the house and jumping on the dinner table of an immaculately furnished mid-90s home and shaking all the mud off minutes before the big dinner party.

Minuet hospitalized. Surgery tomorrow. Send good vibes.

Even if your state/county isn’t holding “big” headline elections today, don’t forget to drive around to neighboring townships to vote in weak leaders in preparation for our coming era of petty tyrants and warring city-states.

👇👇

This is one of those days when we all drown in breaking news - but if you can stomach it: Here is an attempt to step back from the noise and provide a synthesis of where America stands, one year after Trump’s election, and what might be next. Escalation, “normalization,” or a democratic turnaround?

Signed at Geneva June 17 1925 Entered into force February 8 1928 Ratified by U.S. President January 22 1975 Whereas the use in war of asphyxiating, poisonous or other gases, and of all analogous liquids, materials or devices, has been justly condemned by the general opinion of the civilized world;

It is kind of funny/revealing how we’re in the midst of an actual authoritarian takeover at the federal level, but all these people are spiraling and panicking over the prospect of a progressive mayor in NYC.

You’ve been hit by, you’ve been struck by, cold pumpernickel

You’ve been hit by, you’ve been struck by, cold pumpernickel

“SNAP benefits increased by Billions and Billions following the historic pandemic in which society shut down, & the asshole (Loser!!) in charge encouraged people to take horse paste instead of vaccines, while making contempt for basic hygiene the ideological battlecry of emotionally-stunted adults”

Sorry, no time to make noise about one party unilaterally withholding pre-approved funds despite a court order specifically with the intent to let US families starve, we have to stay focused on kitchen table issues.

You all are right: if I’m weighing in on your Maine candidates, or New York City candidates, it’s only fair that you’re allowed to weigh in on mine, here in Missouri. Everyone on this app officially has my permission to talk shit about Josh Hawley, I’ll find a way to endure it.

Dick Cheney’s not dead, he’s just doing some Enhanced Sleeping

Dick Cheney’s not dead, he’s just doing some Enhanced Sleeping

I learned who Dick Cheney was from this cover of the National Inquirer, standing in line with my mom to check out at the grocery store. He’s always been less a politician to me than a villain from the Bat Boy cinematic universe.

Another day of respectability discourse oh boy

Critics blasted

Moderator: Mr. Mamdani, how do you answer allegations that your wife is aloof

If Mamdani wins I will leave New York. I will go live in one of the other 5 houses I have, perhaps the one in South Florida, or the one in Paris, or Napa, or Cabo, but I will definitely leave New York. I will keep my apartment, though, because it's awesome and New York is great. But I will leave.

Revolutionary Escalation, Semi-Authoritarian “Normalization,” or a Democratic Turnaround? One year after the election: What we can say with certainty about the state of the Trumpist assault, where uncertainty lies, and where America might go from here. New piece:

Down in the polls. Look and feel like shit. You tack to the center, but it does nothing for your odds in the left-of-center stronghold you’re trying to win. At the 11th hour, you receive endorsements from Elon Musk and Donald Trump. You Google if hemlock is still a thing.

Some people have never been vaporized by a footlong caliber tactical sub, and it shows

*record scratch* *freeze frame* you're probably wondering why I made my audiovisual system gramophone-dependent

no nut november is the month to finally finish that sexually-frustrated novel you've been nutting too often to write

repeatedly ordering free swatches from the furniture store until I have enough fabric to build my own sectional