Strange New Worlds taught me that I am Spock and honestly it makes total sense

My favorite part of being a fucking idiot is saying that I’m going to learn my lesson but then not doing that

If I’m not going to get behind the wheel of a car what’s even the point of the beer? I’ll just do a puzzle instead thanks

Kansas is never beating the flat allegations, man

Literally any Tame Impala song releases this inner beast

Gone are the days of a cannibal witch owning her own spacious gingerbread house. Today's child-eating witch can barely afford to rent a one-bedroom gingerbread condo.

The more I think about it, the more I’m certain I want to abruptly change my entire name at some point and disappear from the internet entirely. Not for privacy, just for intrigue.

Based on the novels written by Colin Meloy, who has infused so much beauty into the world that it’s hard to believe he’s a mere mortal 🥺🥺

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, wow you’re really good at this

Life tip: your car can and will out you as a fucking gooner pervert if your Bluetooth is within range stay safe out there

it’s gonna be like the end of prohibition here when it happens

I’ve started calling politicians cunts over on Facebook and it’s super therapeutic

Those sick fucks on booktok got me again (I will never learn I don’t actually wanna learn)

An all Teddy Hamilton USO Show

I really try to be a kind and compassionate person, but that being said, when it happens I’m going so fucking low I won’t see sunlight for weeks. I’m going to drink every fucking one of those disingenuous cronies’ crocodile tears out of a fucking goblet and dance topless in the streets, man

I survived the likes of hotornot, IFHY, lipstickparty, and madradhair in their meanest prime just to get knocked down a peg every morning by the 14 year-old bully I gave birth to

Anybody else notice the guys who say it's "inevitable" Goodwife Putnam hang as a witch "so get used to it" are the same bros who only a few months ago were saying Sarah Browne the scullery maid hath spake bedeviling words in a tomcat's ear to make him walk on two legs in mockery of Christian man?

Hey KANSAS follow me back ,or follow me first, and I’ll follow you back when you get a chance. We need to stick together and try to move the state forward on everything especially cannabis. Thank you. MO.HASH🌻🦬

The Boomer instructor of every design student group I talk to always asks me to discuss the importance of AI in professional creative, and every time I tell students it’s stolen shit that sucks, and they’re always all, right on, man.

Jeeze, people can’t even have opinions about Animal Crossing anymore 😞

Do you know how much corn it takes to make esquites for eighty people? A shitload of corn, man. At one point my daughter looked up with a thousand yard stare and muttered, “just emo music and corn” and that’s going to be the title of my future autobiography 🌽

This song is dominating my happy spring playlist, absolute god tier banger

I just realized this Sunday is Mother’s Day and I’d better start practicing my, “Aww it’s okay, you guys are the real gifts!” speech

bbno$ dropping a biblically accurate Leon S. Kennedy cosplay hashtag protect queer art

I worked for a government health agency in late 2019 and early 2020 when “that Corona thing [sic a gov memo 😬]” was dropping and uhhh… not to monger any fear but I’m just saying that this Hantavirus buzz is giving me almost ptsd-level Déjà vu

Oh you watched cartoons? That’s cool. I was a child of letters

There is NOTHING that this fuckin pick-me-ass bitch won’t try to make all about himself. AND IF IT HAPPENS TODAY 😭🙏🏻

It’s a terrible year to not give a single fuck about Mando or Grogu

@thadjuggernuts.bsky.social I was so fuckin emotionally intelligent today and used my big girl words and navigated tricky social situations and I have nobody to tell about it so you win 😂 Anyway I’m gonna spend so much fucking money on Star Wars garbage today and cancel it out. L’Chaim!

I never know what’s just made up as social media buzz, but is frisson a real thing? I guess I’m really asking the wrong way- are there people who listen to music and DON’T get goosebumps, electric waves, spine tingles?

Anhedonia Oreo

We are so fuckin back 🔥 My toxic and abusive relationship with Topps is back on, baybeeeeee

Nice dissonance. Let me guess, cognitive?

we can no longer visit the austro-hungarian empire but if we could i’d love to vape there, w/ you 😳

Ermagerd

God tier self care

C*MMING EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THIS HASBRO DROP OPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE THERE I GO AGAINNOPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE THERE I GO AGAIN OPE

I wake up every morning, slam a Monster, listen to The Ballad of Chasey Lain 3-11 times on repeat while teasing my hair, and take on the day

yeah ok I cried about the scientist and the space rock what can I say #ProjectHailMary

Terrible news, the hobby I had planned out for the summer is Boring as Fuck, how am I going to hyperfixate on something else with such short notice? Do I just revisit old shit in new ways? Geo-jogging? Rock-doodling? Shit fuck ahhhhhhh

He said, “It’s all in your head.” And I said, “So’s everything,” but he didn’t get it.

I’ve never wanted to cyber bully anyone in my entire life, but Erika Kirk is really testing me lately with her super serious huffy eyes all black victimy bullshit. You can’t come back from the pyrotechnics 😂

A dream reminded me that there are no fewer than 3 times I’ve sent meaningful handmade gifts with long, heartfelt, handwritten letters included that were discarded or unopened and someday they’ll be found by absolute strangers and perceived out of context and I hope history will give me grace

me and the boys are going down to the quarry to chuck rocks at the night sky for making us feel small

When your friends quit your mutual games

whats LBJ does he really have a huge thingy

If I don’t move into my own place soon I think I might actually lose my mind. I need a secret inheritance or something, a sugar daddy, a high-paying morally questionable job, a winning lottery ticket ANYTHING

Diljit Dosanjh on Fallon literally changed my brain chemistry

I love pronouncing yandere like “john deere” to my teen and her friends, it’s god-tier rage bait and I highly recommend it 10/10

I saw a quote that said, “healed enough to shut the door but human enough to leave it unlocked” and I’ve never felt something describe me more succinctly