He's a Kennedy. He probably thought someone was trying to assassinate him and they missed

Right about now, the honk shoo brother

I'll never forget my dad's last words: "It's way past Halloween. Why's this caution tape still on the elevator?"

Why aren't people ever diagnosed with something good

Don't wave that thing at me, Hello Kitty!

please don’t assume that because i’m wet, i’m also wild

On your first day of prison, walk up to the biggest guy there and challenge him to a spelling bee

We all have those 478 people we can't stand

It's pretty sexist that everyone assumes "Jack" the Ripper was a man, girls can do anything 🦸‍♀️

[Dick Cheney's final breath] Tell my family I loved...war crimes

It’s not cool to celebrate someone’s death. Sure, Vlad the Impaler dipped his bread in the blood of his victims, but he was a human being who deserves our courtesy and respect

BREAKING: Riots break out in Philadelphia following Dodgers win

I don't care who wins as long as it's not the Dodgers

Yes, yes, but how does that relate to the one thing I'm obsessed with

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop] Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

Even on my regular antidepressant, I still felt unresolved symptoms of depression. So I asked my doctor about adding Cadbury Mini Eggs.

dracula: so we meet again mister bond bond: have we met? sorry dracula: at susan’s party  bond: dracula: in malibu bond: oh right right the vampire guy dracula: ha ha yes the vampire guy

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us "You will never leave this island."

I've eaten enough candy to kill a Victorian child

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Don’t know why trick-or-treaters are annoyed I’m scooping guacamole into their bags. It’s a premium add-on

happy halloween to what many people believed was the greatest tweet of all time

Guy who knew the guy Frankenstein’s dick came from seeing Frankenstein nude: “Hey is that Hank’s dick??”

Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?

I don't like it when Godzilla fights the other monsters. I'd rather see them settle their differences on the dance floor.

Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.

Dracula turns into a bat to avoid detection or for selfish personal travel purposes, whereas I would turn into a bat to pollinate local plants and help balance our precious ecosystem. Just one of several ways that I am morally superior to Dracula.

I’m here to murder you. Bazinga!

Dr. Frankenstein: Wolfman was there. Dracula. His son. I’m telling you, the scene was rocking. Remember the monster I made? At one point he rose from the slab and started dancing- it was insane! Dr. Frankenstein’s Mom: I’m glad you had a good time, dear

I hate when you’re investigating a copycat murder and the original killer claims to have information which he’ll only reveal if you grant him some special privilege which he then uses to escape

DR FRANKENSTEIN: *turns to Igor* hand me the dick

I like how people say "manage your depression" like it's a stock portfolio but you're heavily invested in sadness

Ultimately, each one of us must decide for ourselves what is too fast or too furious

dude I'm getting ads to have a witch blast off my dick

A lot of times the tailgating is better than the actual séance

*noticeably drunk Kool-Aid man turns down the music at a party* i want everyone to piss inside me

*skateboards into custody hearing*

Taking a leave of absence from work to focus on alchemy

I should’ve learned this by now but DO NOT use FedEx. The diseased monkeys I ordered haven’t arrived and I can’t get a straight answer on what happened to them

[In football huddle] "Hey -- what do you guys think happens when we die?"

Early humans were online an hour, maybe two hours, per day

Terrifying.

this cape is reversible but my decision to wear it to the custody hearing is not.

sometimes, late at night, I'll look up at the stars and wonder if you're also stealing lawn furniture.

If you see this, post four female characters you love

Cookie Monster’s date: Can we talk about something else

My favorite part of baseball is when the manager goes to the mound to tell the pitcher he loves him

Another perfect Bluesky exchange

party themes are getting too niche these days