I wish the rapture would happen but just to people who believe in the rapture

I wish the rapture would happen but just to people who believe in the rapture

I love how she thinks the rapture's coming but she's still trying to save money by shopping at Dollar Tree

SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY TRYING TO DISTRACT MYSELF FROM THE TERROR OF BEING ALIVE

Sagittarius: Bad news: Ghost dinosaurs will finally find you at last. Good news: You won’t even notice, because you’ll be dealing with something much worse.

Gemini: Take a vacation from your problems. Your assassin isn’t in a rush.

Taurus: It’s great that you have a 5 year plan, but maybe 4 of the 5 years shouldn’t be, ‘Scream repeatedly into the void.’

Scorpio: The secret to your happiness will remain a secret.

Virgo: Two heads are better than one, and if you defrost your freezer you might even fit three.

How long can you kiss a puppet before it gets weird

*takes a picture of my cat* *shows my cat the picture*

(existential Borat) my life

Got kicked out of the liberry again cuz a couple people complained about my therapy goose Insane Willie.

If I saw Goofy in the street I would hit him with my car

Now that shittiness is popular, should we give Ellen another chance?

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

I fucken knew it

looks like sniffing glue’s back on the menu boys

realistic people: period products should be free for students men in their 50s: if girls get free tampons, my 21 year old son Brandon shouldn't have to pay for nunchuck lessons

if you don't like The Offspring then maybe you should have hired a different funeral stripper

The pilot just got on the intercom and said "Death is just a door"

[writing in my journal by candlelight] Bought a box of Oops! All Berries cereal today, but they weren’t all berries. I fear I am no match for life’s challenges

It will take decades to unfuckup this country.

Real Housewives of Waffle House

Voted “Most Likely to Ask For a Plunger at a House Party”

Is it "accidentally" or "by accident"? Anyway, I sawed my assistant in half

Has science gone too far?

Proud to announce that I’m going to be swimming 5K for the Endometriosis Foundation of America’s End Endo 5K! Endo is something that I, along with 1 in 10 people with a uterus, live with. To join me in supporting Endo research and advocacy, tap the link below! give.endofound.org/MaraWilson5k...

Please stop casting evil spells on me. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

My dream job is being a high school student that shows up for a test unprepared and naked

Why do the characters in JAWS not simply defeat the shark in the marketplace of ideas?

BF: Dinner's ready Me: One sec, need to write a post that saves the United States of America

Please stop casting evil spells on me. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Never forget the time I had to contact my local costume shop on Facebook. The last-minute hospital pass by David to Sonya is exquisite.

Reskeet with your mental state

“You used to be able to say anything” comedians never been more quiet in their lives

You may have slaughtered my family, but I shall defeat you in the marketplace of ideas

the kimmel thing is bad but as long as they arent rounding people up indiscriminately based on race, building concentration camps and talking about eradicating those they deem sexual deviants, i think we’ll be ok

My mom keeps dinosaur figures outside to scare off raccoons who want to steal her garbage. She sent me a photo today. A large toad has found one of the dinosaur figures and befriended it. They are besties now.

My guilty pleasures are ice cream and money laundering

Yes, I will accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior. When can he start

lofi beats to ignore the slow motion apocalypse to

Sometimes you get high and start waxing idiotic about how The Simpsons is about the journey from Judaism ("Abraham" Simpson) to Hellenism ("Homer" Simpson) and then finally to Christianity ("Bartholomew" Simpson) and then someone tells you to shut the fuck up, and they’re right to do so.

when life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. it is time. there is no turning back now. you are the Lemon Keeper.

a Batman movie where the arch villain reveals Batman’s true identity by forcing him to suck on a cough drop

“defend your culture” dude, your “culture” is clapping off beat and putting ketchup on tacos

Did a CEO draw this

may I speak with the primary poster in your household?

My girlfriend cut my brake lines she’s such a Scorpio

I told my landlord that I am the airlord and he started crying