my friend in another city got a q-tip stuck inside his ear and I'm just supposed to go to work tomorrow like nothing happened? Okay

Posting art is so embarrassing. Like here's what's in my psyche i guess. Jesus christ

The pilot just got on the intercom and said "Death is just a door"

Painting my feelings

My girlfriend cut my brake lines she’s such a Scorpio

friends who grew up in a stable homes are always saying shit like "do you wanna watch a youtube compilation of Phil and Claire's funniest interview moments?"

a Johovah Witness mother is dragging her 12yo daughter around my neighbourhood, door-knocking on a Saturday morning :( she should be at the club.

It is fucked up what they did to the headphone jack

Are you guys on Letterboxd? I'm audponz

everyone is bisexual until they prove otherwise (plot hole: it's kind of impossible to prove otherwise)

i love halloween wydm youre the seven hotdogs from Weapons that was a tribute from Zach Cregger to Trevor Moore

It's cool that some celebrities are finally saying that killing innocent children is bad.

Main character energy? Local woman smiles politely at unfriendly medical receptionists

Strong winds in Chch tonight. To the friends who've told me they have trampolines: please secure them. And to the friends who have trampolines but have told me they don't because they don't want me coming over unannounced to do flips and hang out: I hope your belongings fly away. Liars.

Video chat with @nonseriousstuff.bsky.social. Just two normal, approachable, down to earth people.

Calling peoples' employers in a rage because their tributes to Robert Redford weren't horny enough

This would fix me

Keith

just got my toes sucked for making fun of Charlie Kirk :(

I can't believe i used to do hard drugs with strangers and now I'm too scared to take necessary sedatives in a hospital. Sometimes therapy actually makes you less resilient

Update: I've had a back injury for 2 months and I can't sleep

I refuse all invitations to bachelorette parties because straws are bad for the environment and penises scare me.

Gen X are always posting feet on main for free

when I introduce two people and they end up sleeping with each other, I feel I'm entitled to some type of commission

I avoided getting a mustache finger tattoo in the 2010s, but somehow didn't avoid meth.

Gal Gadot should release another Imagine video.

Hello. You guys won't believe what happened this week

Let's follow each other on Letterboxd I'm audponz

Friends let friends overembellish their stories.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not even trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

[to the guy at disney handing me my clam chowder in a bread bowl] listen to me. i need to speak to michael mouse immediately

I like to use cocktail umbrellas when it’s raining and pretend I’m a giant. My wife & I are separated

Doctor: we weaned you off the hallucinogenic drugs, you're clean now Shaggy: how great is that, Scoob! Scooby Doo: woof Shaggy: what

Cop: sit on that chair, we're gonna interrogate you Lawyer (whispering): deny everything Me (loudly): that isn't a chair

date: I think we’ve actually met before Picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces

realistic people: period products should be free for students men in their 50s: if girls get free tampons, my 21 year old son Brandon shouldn't have to pay for nunchuck lessons

someone just tried to bully me for liking missionary position?? I spend so much money getting my eyebrows perfect, they're the stars of the show. no, I'm not turning over, my eyebrows are up HERE

[handing mixtape to doctor] please, my beats, they're very sick

Acute depression is just regular depression, but with dimples

[handing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] so I was thinking something like this

My cat is so spoiled, I only squirt her with Fiji water.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

jerking off during a vasectomy and the dr trying to quickly make the correct cut like he’s disarming a bomb

Imagine just as you're falling unconscious you hear the operating surgeon say "the vibes are off, I gotta lock in"

[job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

I’m watching Gravity with Sandra bullock and holding space for it

the Lord is my shepherd, He shaves my entire body to make sweaters

gaetz not ready for the major league, returns to minors