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Am I allowed to post 'i feel like k*lling myself' on bluesky or are you guys not chill like that?

Performing standup next week, first time since June due my ongoing back injury. Might be kinda hard to perform standup when I can't currently stand up.

It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. It takes a small man to squeeze through the dog door

I can only say things like "a guillotine couldn't take away the head I'd give him" in front of friend group A. Friend group B gets "yeah, he's really lovely".

*messages you at 10.50am* U up? 🫦

I can really relate to Rebecca and Diane from cheers. Ted Danson is just constantly trying to fuck me

Easter is too commercialized now adays. I liked it better when it was just about killing a dude and hiding the body in a cave

‘You boy! How do I unsubscribe from all these Black Friday emails?’

You won't commission an Etsy witch cause "it's silly", but you'll decorate a dead tree inside your house with lights and ornamental animals? Okay. Guess you hate women in the workforce.

That cancelled TV show you'll never stop thinking about (is this not everyone's answer?)

[me to my gay friends] so which one of you drives the car and which one points to the cows and says ‘cow’?

can bluesky please stop hiding replies just because they have bad words in them? i'm a grownup, i can read the word "fuck"

Commenting “obviously AI. Look how fucked up the hands are” on all my friends new baby pics

Proud Samsung user, by the way

I'm on 6 pills a day right now for my back injury and I haven't seen the Hat Man yet, but every time I fall asleep, it feels like I'm slipping into the Backrooms

Been friends with this girl for a few months, im about to call her "bitch" for the first time, in a friendly way. About to risk it all.

this happened to my cousin once

the US needs a president who is goth

I hate how we have to be careful about what we say. Ariana acts like a toddler, and the crying and baby talk her and Cynthia do is pretentious and annoying. Get a grip

Top 5 ppl i want to kiss - Ricky from trailer park boys - Darren Trumeter in drag - Darren trumeter out of drag - Julia Garner in anything - the girl reading this

Recently heard a 21-year-old asking whether older generations "know who Garfield is" and y'know what, maybe we don't, not truly

toaster isn't available. what are you putting in this bath?

People say it's cringe to be into astrology but I'm a Scorpio and that's the best one, so I will be partaking in the cringeness

Getting yelled at by a customer for a decision out of my control decided by someone who makes more money than me

I'm so lonely I've synced cycles with my washing machine.

Leigh Whannell smoking a cigarette in Saw, you will always be famous. A vape could never look this hot.

how it feels to be right when you literally just guessed with confidence

In Euphoria Season 3, actress Girly McLady will play a camgirl sex addict who's selling molly to high-school strippers to fund her penis addiction

I want what they have (cocaine)

My last 3 braincells

How come technology can invent a self saucing cake but we still don't have a self eating ass?

when my husband is away, I tell him the shows he's not allowed to watch until he's home so we can watch them together, but sometimes I send him teasers

Saw your man do his threat display when a bug landed on him.

I think the new pain meds are working 👍

This is going gangbusters on twitter. Bluesky is too nice

terrifying if literal, bagel bites

Thinking about becoming a handsome ER doc who doesn’t play by the rules

If I ask out loud why the cast of Wicked are so thin and behave like they're made of glass, will I be attacked and accused of body shaming? Gauging the social temperature before I actually say it (this doesn't count, by the way).

Never mind Rex Manning Day; yesterday was Audrey Porne Day. To celebrate, here's that time we had a nice chat about Empire Records. Happy birthday @audreyporne.bsky.social. An "Awesome" card is on it's way! www.buzzsprout.com/113660/episo...

It was my birthday yesterday, but I'm posting about it here today because I love attention.

I've heard Wolf Man is bad, but I want Julia Garner to be my girlfriend, so on that basis, I will be watching

years ago I was losing my mind arguing with a rude man on twitter and my husband said "you're playing chess with a pigeon" and it flipped a switch in me.

bout to eat a pie that was best before today. I'm like if a woman was really chill

THE INVENTOR OF BAD NEWS: what if you could be sitting down

Has 'woke' gone too far? I have sleep paralysis!

Watching a crime documentary and someone just described a suspect by saying (with a southern accent) "He couldn't organize a two car parade" amazing.

grizled settler scanning the brocapped mountains we cant homestead here this valley is chopped