Maybe if this new generation spent less on Starbucks and labubus they could afford to stop me from eliminating all the entry level jobs in favour of AI slop

Not now, kitten. Daddy is faking a Crohn’s flare up to get out of jury duty

Me: what if we set a story in the days of the old republic, and back then jedis lightsabers were flaccid but would go hard the second they were ready for combat? Bob Iger: here is a big bag with a dollar sign on it. It represents all of the company profits. I want you to use it to make this show

Programmer: We trained it on nothing but typos! It doesn't work! It's getting worse! CEO: *in the middle of gooning, not even looking away from his screen* Trulyn't?

Back when men used to have manners

I’m going as DB Cooper for Halloween. (Show up unannounced to random house parties, rob them, and then disappear never to be heard from again)

I’d like to apologise to the rest of my youth group for acting out and using cuss words. Many of you know I’ve struggled with an addiction to energy drinks, and that day i let two white monsters turn me into a third

McDonalds has every ability to make the golden arches show a different color if the ice cream / shake machine is down so people passing by can save a lap through the parking lot or drive thru. Why make it hard?

We’ve updated our privacy policy Your data has been stolen in a breach We’ve updated our privacy breach Our privacy policy has been stolen in a breach

Host: Let's play Wheel Of Ornithology! Me: Are there any jays? Host: No sorry Me: I'd like to buy an owl

When your holiday is over but you have a 20 hour flight home

You know how some psychos own a gun and fantasise about a home invasion just so they have a valid excuse to shoot a person? I’m like that but I wait to hear news about awful people so i have a valid excuse to make mean jokes about them

The European Union has issued a directive preventing me from wearing or possessing linen trousers because I hang too much dong

I got a pretty little mouth underneath all the foamin’

When I have a task I have to do and I find myself putting it off, I get myself a treat - I call it a 'precentive' and it absolutely does not work.

I know why the caged bird shrieks

Sometimes I’ll lie on my hand until it falls asleep, so all my posts feel like they’re being made by a stranger

Please take all my shit posts literally.

Before the dreaded “Gen Z face” discourse, teenagers throughout history had a reputation for unfailing politeness and enthusiasm for low paying customer service roles.

*in an alternate universe where I was Dolly Parton* Jolene, Jolene Please don’t fuck my husband

The arc of the covenant was full of ketamine

If this current batch of innovators somehow find the cure for cancer, you can be sure it’ll come with something objectively evil, like mass unemployment for oncology staff, or new laws which allow your medical debt to be inherited by your children’s children.

Gen x could afford homes if they didn’t waste money travelling Millennials could afford homes if they didn’t waste money on Starbucks Gen z could afford homes if they didn’t insist on eating every meal Gen alpha could afford homes if they didn’t waste money on premium breathing air

Girlfriend’s away for the weekend, you know what that means! Time to put the cast iron pan in the dishwasher

That gap in my resume is where my rap career would have been if photos hadn’t surfaced of me getting bullied by those geese

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?” That’s when I tracked down the elite band of assassins who murdered my wife and left me for dead, only to discover my wife was secretly behind the conspiracy the whole time

The most alpha thing a man can do is obsessively fret that manosphere influencers might consider his habits effeminate

Instead of using harmful disposable plastic bags, for each trip to the grocery store I just shoplift a reusable one and stuff it into a closet filled with countless others

I sign-off, “kind regards” but, secretly, most of my regarding is malicious

Ghislaine Maxwell’s new prison guard reporting for duty

if you gotta show a drivers license to buy sudafed you should have to submit a selection of your intended posts before they let you make a social media account

Japanese scientists are proud to announce they’ve run yet another high speed train on your mum

*hearing about the astronomer CEO controversy* That’s APPALLING. What kind of sick fuck attends a Coldplay concert?

CEO’s HATE him

When the owners of the Korean bbq catch me coming back for a 17th serving of pork belly

when I'm on my 6th round at Korean BBQ

*my elderly father, upon seeing a clearly made up piece of misinformation* You can’t make this up!

When you weren’t paying attention to the latest fads and instead of getting your daughter a Labubu you got her a Pazuzu

Want to become a millionaire? Follow these easy steps: (1) get your hands on $1,000,000

guys it doesn't matter whether we're ever as big as twitter in the heyday. all that matters is that we got to shit on mastodon.

It took me almost 30 years, but now I can proudly say I’m as good a rapper as Will Smith

Been warned for dressing too sexy in the office (rolling up my shirt sleeves) but I refuse to be slut shamed

This meeting could have a to the death karate tournament. Still can be, if those cowards in marketing had any honour

This meeting could have been a restraining order

Me: you need to stop reading my messages and butt out of my personal life Autocorrect: you bee to stamp raising my massages and hit out of my personnel wife

Squirtle is just pissle

I was talking to one of my younger coworkers about music today and he described my tastes as “dad rap,” so I told HR I saw him doing heroin in the parking lot.

I think my roomba may be stealing the money and jewellery I’ve been leaving on the floor

Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down

Tried to clean the interior of my microwave, but the stubborn dirt and grease made some admittedly pretty compelling arguments about their right to peacefully exist alongside mankind