faking an assassination attempt so you don't have to go to a wedding sounds like a curb your enthusiasm episode

*delivering commencement speech to fresh faced undergrads* right now we are working on a machine that not only will destroy your job prospects, it’ll also completely use up all of your clean drinking water too— wait, why are you booing?

If you’ve ever murdered a person and you need help hiding the body, just tell me it was a parking inspector and I’ll be over in 15 minutes to help you feed them into a meat grinder

Due to budget setbacks, our doomsday cult will be downgrading from Nike to Costco branded sneakers

Like and repost if your dick, tits or ass are perfectly above average (if you don’t like and repost, we will assume the worst)

Jada Pinkett-Smith (unprompted): one time I accidentally invited the demon pazuzu into our home. I was trying to contact Tupac via ouija board to tell him that Will was never able to satisfy me sexually

10 handy tips for spotting the scams you’ll undoubtedly be subject to now that our company lost your private information in a cybersecurity breach

I’ve looked at each account breach I’ve suffered, and listed a root cause, looking common attack vectors like malware, social engineering, and phishing. The compiled stats are below. I’m hoping our experts in law enforcement and cryptography can find a pattern and prevent future issues

Gen Z Cormac McCarthy: before man there was goon. The ultimate craft awaiting the ultimate practitioner

Nutcan

Narcan, but for instantaneously inducing post nut clarity in people whose excessive horniness may lead them to hastily make poor choices

Mastering the Bene Gesserit voice in the hopes I can use it to stop my cat eating pieces of plastic he finds

*playing clue in 2026* I guess: the mentality unwell man, with the poorly disguised false flag, in the unsecured ballroom

I’m so fucking mad at America. How tf can you have guns be such a huge part of the culture, but the only person who has successfully unloaded in Trump’s face has been Bill Clinton?

Thank you for your email. I am currently back on my bullshit and unable to reply. I’ll respond as soon as I am able.

Invasion of Iraq was neutral evil while invasion of Iran is chaotic evil

I was talking to Pete Hegsgeth in the WhatsApp group for bombing Iran he accidentally added me to and we both agree that more should have been done to investigate Hillary’s private email server

If you’re new to working in a corporate environment and you go into a meeting where they break you into groups and give you chart paper and sticky notes: buckle the fuck up, because you’re about to waste several hours of your life brain storming ideas no one will ever do anything with

Absolutely no one: Jada: Will was so incapable of arousing me sexually, at one point big pharma was studying us to see if his techniques could be used to induce vaginal dryness for pelvic floor surgeries

The pope is two weeks away from developing a nuclear weapon

My AI dating assistant: you’re right. While the approach might not work for everyone, she’s sure to love your unsolicited dickpic. It’s not just a chance to show her your nice and large penis, it’s a subtle parody of dating culture and all the pressures it entails

A Wharton MBA grad, about to run a profitable company into the ground: I live my life a financial quarter at a time

My high flying executive wife is furious and disgusted at the news Kristi Noem’s husband has bigger tits than me

*me as a doctor trying to relate to my millennial patients* so it turns out you got testicular cancer before we got GTA 6

They need to a remake of that pina colada song, except it’s a republican couple trying to arrange a d/l fetlife hookup with a sissy bimbo

Since the secretary of health and human services is the personification of a cocaine bus rant, the least they can do for us is bring back Quaaludes

*standing over your shoulder like Robert de niro in casino where he’s micromanaging his kitchen staff* From now on, each shitpost needs to contain an EQUAL amount of horniness

Son, your mother and her Pilates teacher frame mogged me so now I’m divorcemaxxing

If you pull your hand out, the box turns yellow and your boss messages you to ask if you can jump on a video call real quick

I’m sorry, the suffering is infinite and things are genuinely fucking dire, but it is truly hilarious that the nazis ran into the middle east while screaming “logistics and diplomacy are fake and gay” and now they’re trying to ask everyone else to fix the strait of hormuz because tfw no more THAADs

Before you criticise the US for their war simply because they have a 0% success rate forcing regime change in Iran, consider their regime change success rate in the Middle East more broadly (also 0%)

*takes off my glasses and rubs the bridge of my nose* kids, I’m too employed to know or care what frame mogging is

Obi wan after learning his name appears 8000 times in the Epstein holocrons

Begun, the Epstein wars have

Me: people love products but they hate the businesses that make them, right? Well, what if there was a CEO that wasn’t an absolute fucking psychopath. Shark tank judge gesturing his assistant to come closer: I want you to have that man killed. Immediately

Each suicide drone is promised 72gbs of RAM in the after life

“I support the war criminal on the left” “The war criminal on the right is more aligned with my values”

Chatgpt just went no contact with me

*pulls up on a bmx in front of your house* Tyler’s mom bought him some four lokos. wanna get drunk and throw rocks at trains with us?

We’re about to get WWIII before GTA 6!

To all the haters out there praying on my downfall: can you pray harder, please? This shit is taking way too long

Admittedly I used to be suspicious of AI tools like copilot, but after some experimentation I can say they’re a great, easy, and fast way to generate large amounts of bullshit text to show a rival or coworker I don’t value their opinion or care to give them any of my time or attention

2056, My Gen Alpha doctor giving me my 15 minutes of healthcare legally mandated to me on my 400k per year health insurance plan: diabetes is insulinmogging you due to your blood sugarmaxxing

Drive like no one’s watching

remake i movie where one person is human and the rest are muppets? ok, its the Muppet movie and now Kermit is a strange naked green human man. you did this to yourself.

*speaking with a mouthful of corn dogs* EXCUSE ME. Are you a qualified nutritionist?

Why does Bluesky label women’s photos but not men showing full hog?

Not only should we free Luigi Mangione, but he should be given an unredacted copy of the Epstein files and a flamethrower

No babe your IQ is perfect, the massive ones frighten me