We’re about to get WWIII before GTA 6!

To all the haters out there praying on my downfall: can you pray harder, please? This shit is taking way too long

Admittedly I used to be suspicious of AI tools like copilot, but after some experimentation I can say they’re a great, easy, and fast way to generate large amounts of bullshit text to show a rival or coworker I don’t value their opinion or care to give them any of my time or attention

2056, My Gen Alpha doctor giving me my 15 minutes of healthcare legally mandated to me on my 400k per year health insurance plan: diabetes is insulinmogging you due to your blood sugarmaxxing

Drive like no one’s watching

remake i movie where one person is human and the rest are muppets? ok, its the Muppet movie and now Kermit is a strange naked green human man. you did this to yourself.

*speaking with a mouthful of corn dogs* EXCUSE ME. Are you a qualified nutritionist?

Why does Bluesky label women’s photos but not men showing full hog?

Not only should we free Luigi Mangione, but he should be given an unredacted copy of the Epstein files and a flamethrower

No babe your IQ is perfect, the massive ones frighten me

"zoomers are killing the bar industry" oh interesting was it zoomers who decided a drink should cost seventeen dollars

This is a really old person thing to admit, but I don’t know who bad bunny is. However, as long as he has never been nor ever will be involved in Diddy style monstrosities, he has my support

When my wife died there were only two efficient institutional transactions. One was that Social Security knew immediately that she had died. I didn't have to do anything. The other was that Amex was the only company that acted like a customer had ever died before and had a procedure.

The ugly, ugly truth is that no one's going to jail for the paedo shit. Get them for the financial stuff - it's all the system cares about.

I’m Ohio sober (four loko and vape pens only)

We really gonna get a second Great Depression before GTA 6

*giving the guest speaker presentation at a local highschool graduation* Let me tell you, kids: I’ve reviewed AI output for errors and I’ve sold drugs. Without a doubt, selling drugs is a far more rewarding, socially useful career, with better long term prospects.

AITAH for stealing my younger friend’s potential girlfriend from him (they are blood siblings)

*leading the polycule hiring panel* Who do you see yourself inside of in the next five years

In my culture, mid level IT managers are prized for their skills in lovemaking

All banks and post offices need a second line for people who have a fulltime job

Ok why didn’t you all tell me to watch 28 years later sooner

We’re pivoting to digital We’re pivoting to video We’re pivoting to AI We’re pivoting to battling mutants for the last dregs of gasoline in our burned out cities We’re pivoting to travelling from township to township on a donkey that has pots and pans strapped to it We’re pivoting to the void

Employers when they insist on return to office days, but you’re not available after your work hours because you’re still commuting home

My polycule has 12 cats, 3 jobs, 8 no contact orders on a family member, and zero drivers licenses

*hour 2 of listening to victor Frankenstein recount the story of how he invented immortality technology* Can you fast forward past the parts where you keep trying to bang your sister in law

Hey little daddy, hike up them dockers and let me see your fresh pair of new balances

If my grandpa knew how little we spent on his funeral, he’d turn over in his cardboard box.

I'm "made my parents a clay ashtray in school" years old

Due to economic downturn, wine moms can now only pick two

Looks more like autorobotic asphyxiation

So I heard some weird noises coming from my study and I think I walked in on my Robovac trying to hang itself. Does anyone have the number of a good therapist chatbot I can refer it to?

I’ve trained my body to poop on company time so well that I can no longer poop while on vacation. The last meal of a four day weekend is like packing a musket

Get rich or try dying

I can’t join ICE because I can have a traffic dispute with a woman without drawing a firearm

Smokin the strain of weed that inspired the commodore 64

I name my children after the places they were conceived. I’d like you to meet: Sydney, Paris, Cairo, Tunguska, Skokie, Wendy’s dumpster, and the newest addition to our little clan: rehab

Walking into the ocean sounds so relaxing right now

Who up eating Gilbert Grape?

The trump administration has announced it has successfully extracted princess peach to stand trial for her crimes and will hand the day to day running of the mushroom kingdom over to bowser

Been hustling, working weekends and evenings, studying fulltime in lieu of having a social life. I’ve had three promotions in five years, which saved me from defaulting on my home loan, but my purchasing power is demonstrably worse off than it was five years ago

So it turns out all those “let’s circle back in the new year” meetings have been lying in wait for me, like vultures circling over a dying wildebeest

I was cursed by a witch to roam the earth shitposting endlessly until the Time of Judgement arrives

2026 will be the year I wear prosthetic fingers when I’m out in public, so if incriminating video of me ever surfaces I can claim it’s AI

Wasted so much time this year working, studying, exercising, and spending quality time with loved ones and none of it brought me any closer to my dream of being fired out of a cannon into the sun

Die Hard was actually appropriated from pagans

Over Christmas I got together with a woman from the big city, and even convinced her to leave her fiancé and her high paying job so she can work in my Christmas themed store. I suppose today I should tell her it’s financed the other 11 months of the year by trafficking Angel dust

Last Christmas, I gave you the clap

The attendant manning the boba pearl station at the frozen yoghurt store: I think you’ve had enough, mister Me: I’ll TELL YOU when I’ve had enough