My mind palace sure is infested with a lot of gremlins and ghouls

A modern Christmas Carol remake where Scrooge doesn’t change his ways but instead makes his whole personality about how the woke Christmas ghosts are trying to cancel him

Commenting “obviously AI. Look how fucked up the hands are” on all my friends new baby pics

HR director, flanked by house counsel and the CEO: it took many months of negotiations with the union, and changing state labor laws, but I am officially now allowed to warn you that if you persist in doing the Luigi voice during company time, you will be instantly fired. Me: Okey dokey!

Apparently all science’s talk about “acknowledging lived experiences” goes out the window when it comes time to have an honest conversation about constitutes a single serving of candy

i don’t care what it promises this time, i’m never trusting the spider robot again, if that’s even its real name

2000: YOU WOULDNT STEAL A PAINTING 2025: we had to steal every painting in the world so our customers can get out of paying to have future art of any kind created

Throw me to the wolves and I’ll emerge with a whole pack who have a deep understanding of animorphs lore

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i am going to steer this ship into the rocks

Therapist is asking some pointed questions about when she can expect to see my Spotify wrapped results

New research confirms that overexposure to political skeets gives you the heebie-jeebies. The antidote is shitposting.

That upstream service is living in an uptown world again.

In our arrogance at having overcome the odds, like Tantalus we fed our children to the gods.

I strive to be the sort of man who would not have a boa constrictor as a pet

[in line at airport security] ...anyway all I'm saying is, if you're gonna pee in the shower, do it first thing

There's always some asshole

Effective immediately New York comes under Shania law. First order of business: if you’re not in it for love, you’re outta here

If I was a monk and I didn’t feel like doing prayer or whatever I’d probably call in horny to work

I’ve decided to become an Instagram butt model

The scene in seven samurai where the veterans teach the unskilled villagers how to defend themselves from bandits, but it’s me showing Gen Z to make teams show as permanently online, and the best way to sneak into work late without the execs noticing

The lion does not concern himself with Apple Care

If I’d stolen those jewels I’d just sit at home wearing them.

No mentally healthy person has printed out their own tweets

Somehow got negative 8 hours of sleep

Me: I can’t explain why, but I feel my pee at the urinals doesn’t reach maximum effectiveness unless I take my whole cock out including the balls Priest: ok, for the second time: that isn’t a sin and we aren’t in confessional right now

In lieu of improved workplace conditions, HR has enrolled you in mandatory psychological health trainings you most complete every month or face disciplinary action for being non compliant

Baby, we’ve been together for a while now, and I think it’s time we take this to the next level *gets down on one knee, takes a ring out of my pocket* Will you carry this cool ring in your purse for me?

Guided meditation podcast: breathe in. Breathe out. Feel the stress leave your body and sleep welcome you like a warming embrace— Spotify ad: THIS PODCAST IS BROUGHT TO BY GAS STATION DICKPILLS. LEVEL UP YOUR DICK GAME WITH GAS STATION DICK PILLS

Ten things getting caught engaging in erotic roleplay with the company AI tool taught me about resiliency, cyber security, and forensic analysis of bodily fluids

The lion does not concern himself with the empty coffee cups and receipts littering the interior of his Subaru outback

I just want to let the SCOUNDRELS who did a heist on the louvre in broad daylight while it was open and got away Scot free: I WILL find you. I WILL track you down. And you better believe I WILL beg you to let me join your badass crew

Training myself to walk, talk, and react like a generation 1 Sora clip, so if footage ever surfaces of me eating a fun sized Halloween bag of candy in one sitting people will attribute it to AI

How come executives keep making excuses for AI, but if i hallucinate during work hours JUST ONCE, HR implement mandatory drug testing

I’m tired of people expecting me to do something just because I know how to do it and they’re paying me

Since the other denominations all do it, I’m starting a new branch of Christianity using only parts of the bible I like. Up first: the right for all newly wed couples to get a year’s paid vacation to bang

I’m something of a tastemaker in the gloryhole community

When he shows hog and you like what you see

Great news gang, I’ve just accepting a new position working for Satan designing new hells. Right now I’m working on an eternity where sinners are stuck on a long haul flight with theatre kids

This whole professional career could have been an email

We made fun of this kid at school because his dad invented the fleshlight, but now it’s 2025 and I’ve got a Subaru outback and a mortgage, while he’s taking a private jet to a Tuscany villa that synthetic pussy tubes paid for

Castle doctrine explicitly allows homeowners to make any potential home invasions unbearably sensual

Not now, kitten. Daddy is faking a Crohn’s flare up to get out of jury duty

Me: what if we set a story in the days of the old republic, and back then jedis lightsabers were flaccid but would go hard the second they were ready for combat? Bob Iger: here is a big bag with a dollar sign on it. It represents all of the company profits. I want you to use it to make this show

Programmer: We trained it on nothing but typos! It doesn't work! It's getting worse! CEO: *in the middle of gooning, not even looking away from his screen* Trulyn't?

Back when men used to have manners

I’m going as DB Cooper for Halloween. (Show up unannounced to random house parties, rob them, and then disappear never to be heard from again)

I’d like to apologise to the rest of my youth group for acting out and using cuss words. Many of you know I’ve struggled with an addiction to energy drinks, and that day i let two white monsters turn me into a third

McDonalds has every ability to make the golden arches show a different color if the ice cream / shake machine is down so people passing by can save a lap through the parking lot or drive thru. Why make it hard?

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