[handcuffed] officer, the Dow is at the highest it’s ever been!!!

I'm hilarious and famous

Recently, there have been several stick-ups and one Axe murder (in the first Degree). Management has made no Secret of the need to increase security, but still haven’t found the Right Guard. Finding themselves underarmed, the crime wave continues to roll on.

Millie Bobby Brown, is a British actress and film producer. She gained international recognition for playing Eleven in the Netflix science fiction series Stranger Things (2016–2025), for which she received nominations for two Primetime Emmy Awards.

You’re too edgy for me, my guy. I listen to Al Jarreau and take pictures of glass doorknobs

You can't make me happy, you're not a Labrador Retriever.

this year instead of valentines im sending hate mail. first up is josh the mf who farted on my head on the bus in 1st grade, fuck u josh i hope u have severe hemorrhoids

If you walk about with a hands free earpiece in i'm gonna go ahead and assume you're a spy

With all the horrors in the world, mental health care should stand out as necessary and our admin should subsidize both the care of persons in need and the education of future professionals.

socrates: the unexamined life is not worth living me, examining life: well this sucks

This town’s plenty big for the both of us. Get in here

nothing humbles you faster than thinking you look good and then seeing a photo someone else took of you

If you can't be silly, why are you here?

Skin cancer wasn’t in the cards for 2026 but my body just decided to play its own game

Still waiting for Microsoft Teams notifications to be classified as domestic terrorism.

My posts are things that run through my mind, if you think those are bad . . . think about the triple X ones that I don't post . . . some of those include pizza too.

Say what you will about my vices, they get me out of the house

slapping glitter on my lack of luster

Broken people save broken people.

Sorry I can't make it, I'm being temporarily entombed that day.

I’ve touched enough grass. Imma hang out with y’all instead. Real life is overrated

I was going to start a new diet for New Years but there's a bunch of old diets I haven't finish yet.

Whatever the objective reality, it feels like what it feels like.

too late rhythm already got me

People who have wronged you rarely seek peace, unless they are trying to regain ground.

Sharing a sweet face to distract from the worldwide bullshit

Pharmaceutical-grade cheeseburger.

hey smoke detector, play my emergency song

In 2020, my son’s Dad was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. He was under 50 and his symptoms were subtle enough for him to ignore. Stage 3 meant it broke through the colon wall and entered his lymph nodes. Thanks to a routine colonoscopy, he is now cancer free. Get your colonoscopy

Dissociating is not upsetting to others if you patiently explain you are a maidenhead on an ancient ship.

The older I get… That’s it.

The older I get, the more silent the D becomes.

May the horrors of the world miss you today.

I don't want to tell people how to live but maybe ONE of you should at least think about daring me to eat a blueberry muffin every day this week.

Not accepting followers at this time, thank you for understanding.

That’s really fucked up! -me as therapist

It ended up being a good day. I let my kid stay home, we got the wipers, I took him shopping, we had lunch, he shared his music. 10/10

Your ass looks fat in those jeans (derogatory) -me to me

It’s probably your fault. -me as a therapist

We are all gonna die anyways. -me as therapist

i can post worse if you give me a chance

We have reached the portion of the evening where I ate too much

No, I in particular should be allowed to comment on your posts even if I don't follow you. My opinions simply improve lives.

I miss the days when Olympians contracted hitmen to take out rivals with a tire iron

It'd be crazy to do a freaky friday with a graceful deer

Man I miss crop circles and skinny jeans.

I love how every single holiday is miserable now lol 😝

i told my dad i was switching his phone to dark mode and he said don’t do that i need to see happy things

Sigh.