Schmuck Schumer, is this anything?

bsky is the wall and we’re all just spaghetti

I did not Wang Chung tonight. Now what?

Gonna be a slutty pilgrim for Thanksgiving this year.

Everybody’s gangsta… Until they walk into a spider web.

I fear Rick Astley has finally abandoned us.

Them: read it and weep Me: that’s ok, ill just weep

[movie studio] ME: BUT HOW DOES THE INVISIBLE MAN KNOW WHEN TO STOP WIPING? TOUR GUIDE: *into walkie talkie* code orange, he’s back.

I think that’s enough of raw-dogging life, going forward I’m leaning heavily into LSD.

at your party fingering the strings of this bad boy

This is the worst thing I’ve ever written *post*

what if we made out, but it was cake

I think that song “Sexual Healing” was written about how I’m helping your lovelife

I think my first orgasm was at the Scholastic Book Fair.

Gaslighting myself into having hope for the future.

Irrationally distraught that I don’t have a cool raven reminding me to do shit throughout the day.

Reverse clowngirl, so I can honk your balls

[gently touching your acne scar] is this from the war?

posting my nudes in amazon product reviews

my wife and i saw you from across the bar and were wondering if you always chew your food like that

Bluesky should have polls but you can set them up where all the people who choose one answer get blocked.

wish i could be cool and mysterious but unfortunately i can't shut the fuck up

You can almost believe it was accidental

what if we made out in the deli section of the grocery store

What if we made out in the LEGO store.

Everyone, please stop putting me on “sexiest penis” lists. Enough already.

I, state name here, do solemnly swear to shitpost to the best of my ability until further notice

I think that song “All by Myself” was written about my preferred sexual position

*getting hit in the face with a shovel My god, I love you.

I think that song “All the Small Things” was written about the dick pics I’ve received.

the jokes on you guy who told me to go fuck myself. i was going to do that anyway

I am just 3 deleted accounts in a trench coat

Wang Wrangler - Wangler

Sometimes I reskeet myself because I have nothing to say and I don’t want y’all to forget I’m here.

New research confirms that overexposure to political skeets gives you the heebie-jeebies. The antidote is shitposting.

they should put little fortunes in the crab rangoon

i didnt drop it like its hot i dropped it because im clumsy

There’s no “I” in “you suck”

Maper Bake-un

That's adorable I remember when I still had feelings too

gonna start a podcast where i just sigh a lot

This is my crippling anxiety post. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

I swear to god there must be a neurotransmitter that provides feelings of pleasure from doing or saying the stupidest shit. When they discover it, it must be named derpamine

Babies are so weak. You don't hear me crying every time I crap my pants

try me, pretty please

just yelled at my kid for having dirty clothes on the floor, turned around and immediately tried to hide the fact that i too have dirty clothes on the floor next to my laundry basket

hey, they should invent a mortgage that lasts until the day you die and you never own the place no matter how much you pay

The only thing I feel bad about is that I, personally, have not been able to scam the Dem leadership. Like sell them magic beans or a fake treasure map.

"Please stop telling me to carry on. Please, I'm begging you." - my wayward son