My left butt cheek is twitching. That means 2 more weeks of January

I’ve always been counter culture. Which is why my posts are mostly positive.

Skeetza da pizza!

me✨

Spooning always turns into forking at some point

Can’t. Getting steroid injections in my jaw so I can eat a bag of beef jerky.

i know she can beat them

why don't any of you ever bring donuts? what's that about? selfish

I got yer pizza RIGHT HERE.

Pretty sure my therapist just muttered “this bitch” under her breath

Catfish training center, call it “OnlyShams”

A website for ill-tempered people called OrneryFans.

imagine hating me and i’m just in bed farting

I think spending a day with pandas would heal me

She’s a 10 but according to her metaphors and similes are “just the same”

Bad Joke Friday. I need more coffee. 🩷

hey there, sparkle beans ✨ 🫘

are my beans cool? -me flirting

He's a 10 but he spells it "dinning room"

he’s a 10 but he says cutted a fart

The pizza is out of the oven. Repeat: The pizza is out of the oven. Over. Krrskkpt.

so Robin Leach was a fuckin parasite. go figure

he’s a 10 but he says dwindleded

rippin farts ✅️ breaking hearts ❌️

Working on a really wonky weird shaped mug. Not sure if she’ll ever make it into the shop. The top is really misshapen, and bottom is odd, my head was in a weird space yesterday, but I’m gonna finish it anyway.

Even though sometimes I can feel the heat A Blerr always lands on her feet

I can’t wait for breakfast tomorrow

wanting to be mysterious and disappear but also needing constant attention

General strike includes jokes. We're seriousing today.

Anyone that needs a hug today, c’mere! 🩷🫂🩷

when the guys from Coldpay get a tapeworm they have para, para, parasites

My wife actually went to a screening of Melania and became the first lady...the first lady to walk out after five minutes.

A co-worker of mine confessed to me that she sees dead people. Well, I'm glad at least she's dating again.

Sex is good but have you ever ordered takeaway then forgot for a second and remembered again?

Always suspected there was more to the lifestyles of the rich and famous than champagne and caviar but goddammit

Each day, my mom made my homeschooling as close to a real school experience by shaking me down for lunch money.

ahh, maryland-style pizza. america's most rightly unremarked upon regional pizza. famous for its motto "just like that one so-so chain used to make it"

Dad: let’s name him Eugene Mom: but he looks like a mix of both of us Dad: Ourgene it is

Just ate this pie

This would be in my belly in less than 12 parsecs.

Some women in Salem avoided the gallows by entering the witchless protection program.

well it’s night time, so i kinda missed the rue the day window. but tomorrow? tomorrow he will rue

Anybody here who has seen Iron Lung and *isn't* a Markiplier fan? I'm trying to figure out if I'm seeing earnest horror film reviews, or fans wanting to support their favourite creator 🤔

Don’t think I’ll hear “tonsil hockey” the same way ever again

donut: *exists* me: so ... you have chosen death

I hate fighting my kids for the leftover pizza. I mean I always win, but it’s not a great look for a dad and last time it nearly got me barred from the local Pizza Hut.

Hey, unmute me for a second. I’ve got something important to say. Just kidding, I don’t actually.

me: *going to the bathroom* 7yo: *sitting outside the door telling me a story about Minecraft*

ladies still got those lovely lumps they used to sing about?