Praying won't fix things. It's too late to make amens.

(training my thumb) he has clearly tagged his girlfriend. you don’t put a like on it.

You say but..I say hole.

two things you can always count on: a player gonna play an artist gonna fart

The elephant in the room has some bad acne. He needs to see a pachydermatologist.

the only news I want to hear

The end of a relationship is always hard. I’ll miss you pepperoni pizza. You were delicious.

Where do you see yourself in five business days?

what does this mean? too much

somebody told me you had a bagel that looked like a donut that i had in february of last year

FINE i’ll secede from the union then, my country flag will be a CVS receipt

keeping a comb in my pocket in case any ladies visit this malt shop

[making small talk with my mirror] Me: if you could get off the wall, where’d you go?

[making small talk with my mirror] me: so how’d you get the name mirror mirror? is that like your first and last name?

call me Phil Collins the way I missed again

Pelican sunrise surfers 🌅

mirror mirror on the wall, it wouldn’t hurt you to hype me up a bit

we all have that one moot we’d send a fart in a jar to

has anyone asked the black eyed peas how much louder we have to pump it?

Doing some “tummy-time” to fix my “media induced neck pain”

Don’t ever let a recipe tell you how much garlic to put in. You measure that with your heart.

It's been a long time since things have been hunky and/ or dory

Within 30 minutes two people held a door open for me and now I'm joining a pickleball league, slipping into Skechers and binge watching every season of Yellowstone.

Why don’t we batten down things besides hatches Maybe other things want to be battened down as well

My milkshake brings all the scam accounts to the yard

I see people zip lining and climbing mountains and here I am happy to get my leg through my panties without falling.

For my next trick, this afternoon I will spend 4 hours cooking a meal that the recipe says should only take 30 minutes.

We all know that mirrors don't lie. I'm just grateful that they don't laugh.

This plastic fork has a slight curve to the handle and I’m not sure if I can use it because it feels slightly different in my hand.

you ever wake up hornt for breakfast

Jim Parsons turns 53 Tuesday but no one can seem to get in touch with him. Concerned friends have filed a missing Parsons report.

whoa…yes, hi

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.

this is the discourse we need. and for the record I am just as confused about this as everyone else

most level headed person that i know on the internet: we're cooked. we're fucked me: im sure thats fine

The body makes most of its cholesterol overnight and that is why I need to take one of my meds right before bed time. I didn't know that but now you do too.

Gonna save myself as a draft and hope I'll be better at a later time.

Pickleballin is still ballin

NASA Upcoming Artemis fifteen fuckity-two launch to Planet Smoothie

I wonder if people playing cornhole on a beach think about UFO’s

Small hill town powered by Jalapeño Cheddar Cheetos

Made the usual pizza again tonight but look at mt Bumpmore there. Glorious.

"The Rise of the Red Hot Chili Peppers: Our Brother, Hillel" documentary on Netflix. Recommend!

Friday #flowers #bloomscroll #greenhouse

Treasure Flower

I don't get the need to argue everything online. If a post says "people with navels that smell like onions can’t dance," nobody knows it’s about you until you reply to defend onion-smelling belly buttons. Just keep your secrets and scroll!

(Flexing) my hick town upbringing is hick townier than your hick town upbringing

I need a debrief on what the big deal is with bees

passwords should be like “that’s close enough”

Guys I think I ate an entire emotional support pizza