Hamburglar’s less known brother, the Apple Cobbler Robber

Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?

Don’t want to fuck up bird migration. No outside lights for me tonight. Only inner light. I just ate a lightbulb

I like Chex but Crispix kicks Chex’s ass

Pickles and brats. Only dick shaped foods for me tonight I guess

chillin💚🥹🖤🕷️

dip those feelings in your passion and make art

INVENTION: pants you can fill with pudding

I read that sitting is the new smoking, so if you sit on my face you don't need a smoke afterwards

It's Friday Night. Read those pages from the Necronomicon out loud. You've earned it.

No yard animals today so I went looking for them. Can you spot the only dude I found?

I learned from watching Jane Goodall that animals often chill out and stop seeing you as a threat if you sit down and pretend to be totally not interested in them. Bonus points if you have a snack you can eat in front of them while not paying attention.

You know it's the weekend when:

ME: i hope i get a cool photo of that crow CROW: *boing*

Nope!

I think we all had this haircut but check out that bearded guy’s shorty shorts!

Bloodshed is where blood keeps its yard tools

people always coming up with popular new words but never popular new numbers, the fuck

Just once I want to read about how she lit up every room she walked out of

I do have a manifesto, but it’s very touching & adorable.

If I graft a toenail onto my forehead it will eventually grow into a horn.

Mmm fresh cigarettes from the oven

just saw some loose horses, probably heading to the oatmeal factory

Once you realize every single little thing in the physical proximity world happens because of your thoughts it's just a near cuddle to spooning with the mind, have I mentioned that I'm telekidextrous

Don't make a hole thing about it but the butthole in me sees the butthole in you

A messed up slinky is called a slunk

the heel is the butt of the foot

Split reflection

maybe if we stand very still the credits will start rolling

Is it deepthroat, deep-throat or deep throat? I want to get this obituary right

If you need me, I’ll be heading to The Misty Mountains

No, no, I don’t need any new Halloween decor. Wait, is that ghost wearing glasses?

"It was a singularity to everything except the pinwheel using it as a center of mass to attract some attention to the universe" wow so peacocks only teach physics for showing off

they are like the panda bear of bees🥹🖤🐝

The clothes i wear to work are kinda smart but they always end up looking kinda shitty. My look is shart

what if we kissed in hamburglar jail

slipping into another dimension* *music album

One of the beautiful things about social media is that sometimes when you scream into the void, after a pause, a voice or two may answer back “fuck, me too” and you feel a little less alone in the world

I fake the best smiles.

I’m gonna start bringing a Bunsen burner to work for heating up my lunches

mandolin made entirely of bones

french skeleton says bonejour

If a mosquito bites my dick I’m like whatever, I’m already scratching there

Surrounded by children of the corn nuts.

ate some Twizzlers, now they’re twuzzlers

Mullet Over

My girlfriend kept on asking me to go spelunking with her so eventually I caved.