gonna start slipping “forsooth” into casual conversation

naming my son Tylenol

always keep an acorn in your pocket for the Shadow Kitty

who called it a giraffe and not a throat goat

garage spider made me some silk jammies

i made a thing

My Doc told me I'm exceptional healthy so now I'm going to recklessly live life.

the good part of dying in the shower is not having to get out of the shower

hi friend

Springs are in the air and it's probably a death machine but one item in your cart is on sale, the Slinky Phoenix. If you like those odds just say "I like those odds"

🎶 sweet dreams are made of grease slippin and slidin in all this grease

my mission today is to trick myself and at least one other person into smiling

You’d think that if we truly valued innovation we’d have discovered the triple entendre by now.

My dad would get home crazy hours blasting music, then making Robert Plant noises into the night like “ooo ya! Feels good!” & owl/weird nature whistles. Id open my window, “you woke me up again! Now im not going to school! I hate you!” & he’d say “oo shit sorry sweetie!”

show us your eggs, i yell into your secret crevice

I never spent my whole life saying "when I get real" or "when I have reality" but I'm dreaming of saying "realistic living," even if I have to cut that bitch like a check

Lie still so the words can grab you

i watched a giraffe get adjusted by a chiropractor ten times today. how are YOU coping?

Perpetually living in a spy vs spy scenario of me trying to outsmart my own bullshit

Kettle cooked chips so sharp I gotta put band-aids on the roof of my mouth.

Absorbed twin energy 😍

The nooks and crannies of an English muffin are like the chambers of your heart: great place to keep pools of butter.

Weird that birds can build nests but don't sleep in them. But then I think of all the nights I spent on the couch. Birds are drunk is what I'm saying.

At least my VHS collection understands me. Like babe do you wanna watch Goodfellas or the 1973 animated Charlottes Web?

Peeps are not to be consumed, they are to be studied.

I want the part of my brain back that remembers the birthdays of irrelevant people

if he tastes like watermelon he’s candy put him back we’re on a budget

I cursed your heart under the glow of the pink moon last night motherfucker

that murder of crows looks friendly

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, also shame on you. Trust me, you’ve never encountered this level of naïveté before, I can keep this up all fucking day.

If you want revenge, then dig two graves. the first one is a practice grave to get a feel for it and the second is your main or "show grave"

gotta get my camouflage ready for the easter egg hunt

🖤

Rejected Looney Tunes character: Bed Bugs Bunny.

launching a celebration superstore named Party Shitty

will eating chocolate inoculate me from Count Choculas or further entice them

Every day I wake up and choose delusional contentment

A basic knowledge of rocks and minerals will impress even the most adhd of children

When I was a kid, there would be a part in the song where a robot would sing & I would be like: "..ah, this is the best part."

My kid: why’d you leave such a small amount of Cheez-its in the bag. Me: it’s enough. You are enough.

Shine on you crazy lumps of coal

VOICEOVER: are you tired of ME: absolutely

upgrading the windmills of your mind to solar

when I told the genie I wished for bigger sex organs, I didn’t mean my prostate

instead of a fitness tracker that counts your steps per day, how about a mental health tracker that counts your posts per day

what are they going to do up there. fuck?

Another busy day alphabetizing my secretions.