I made a lil scarf for the mailbox spider

TOY STORY 17 Hundreds of years into the future. The toys roam the apocalypse, searching for kids to play with.

Day 8 Vietnam: starting to see faces in the limestone

everyone hates leafblowers, but the leaves love them

I don’t wanna fuck a robot I want robot give me warm potato when I come in from the cold

u ever get bored and quit trimming halfway thru and now your taint has a fade

good news, my therapist said I'm cured and to never contact her again

demanding a famous folk singer write a moving ballad about the time I fell ass first into an ice fishing hole

Today‘s warm up ref from pexels

I’m trying to get really good at yelling “HELL YEAH” when I sneeze.

if i were the pope my favorite films would mostly be stuff i could jerk off to

Beer stroganoff

anyone who reposts this skeet gets a piece of my body to display on their mantle AFTER I die

in europe she's known as Kilometery Cyrus thank youuuuuhh

Using a baguette to reach the snacks that are too high up to reach in the cupboard

it’s called a double negative maybe you’ve never not heard of it

revenge is a dish best served after I’ve licked everything on the plate

A thing I just told my 18yo. "I put a kazoo in my pussy during labor. Every time I pushed, circus noises let me know you were closer to coming out. Then finally my clown son was born. That's your origin story."

standing up too fast just for the thrill

You know how when you uncover enough universal truths you reach a free personal one, I just got a realizations on off switch

saw a roadkill opossum and called it a squashum but felt bad and apologized

It’s been a long day, pass the cursed amulet

I used to think I wanted to be a scientist, but when I really reflect, I just wanted to look at random things through fancy microscopes.

Sorry, I wasn't fully listening. The tiny whales that live in my stomach were singing again.

setting aside a shred of hope and betting the rest

I aim to be off putting

starting a mosh pit with my emotions

Every day I hurry past this hand so it can't grab me.

just butting in to say leave me out of it

IF IT'S ITCHY I DON'T WANT IT.

Woke up with a conundrum. Do I shout, shout it all out or shout at the devil?

me, as a therapist: omg samesies

I hope something gross leaves your body today in a very satisfying way

A fast food restaurant with great branding and design but the meals are made of whatever is found in the dumpster

why are they "trad wives" and not "girls gone laura ingalls wilder"

Sometimes I text random numbers with pictures of old grey hamburger meat and ask, "is this still ok to eat?"

Can you guys tell I’ve gained 10 lbs from my skeets?

dog food ice cream next to people ice cream scares me that I’ll accidentally eat it

the nectar of the dogs (puddle water)

Charles Dickens would’ve loved Time Cop

Every Pokémon evolves into a ghost eventually

At the risk of sounding like your dad: spend the extra money and buy the good snow brush for your car

Never forget: Cries rhymes with fries.

finishing school is a lot less sloppy than it sounds

I think that’s enough of raw-dogging life, going forward I’m leaning heavily into LSD.

All the fleeting ghosts from the corners of your eyes are more apart than anything in front of you so please, keep them in mind sideways for the panoramic pick up lines, condemned tire swing matchmakings just laying around and around in your yard

Leaving a warm bed on a cold day is a deadly sin like im gonna die if i do it

I just wanna be rich enough to build a house with a quicksand moat around it

lower yourself into a cranberry bog it’s time