If your lasagna has only one sauce and that sauce is made from tomatoes it doesn’t pass the Béchamel Test

Being unintelligible is the way forward

The cool thing about being a failure is that effort is purely optional

Do sasquatch females have 8 nipples like a dog or really hairy tits?

I’m not a hot mess, but more like a room temperature slob

my partner has to load their penis like a musket in order to cum inside me

I’ve been there I’ve seen my hopes and dreams lying on the ground.. 🖤

homineonomatopoeia is the sound hominey makes while peeing.

I can be everything you ever didn’t want and less

when im outside smoking and it suddenly gets cloudy, i like to pretend i did that

“Mozart, more like BLOWzart haha” -Salieri, probably

she died doing what she loved: asking people in various states how they pronounce “pecan”

a flock of bluesky users is called a cringe

Who called it the Seven Rings of Hell instead of Tiers for Fears?

Talk dirty to me but in the cadence of Jar Jar Binks

I have never in my life pronounced the letter "L" so hard than when I asked the Home Depot guy where I could get some "caulk."

world 🐝✨✨✨✨ day

strawberries- not berries blueberries- not berries bananas? Oh yup, totally berries tomatoes? Fuck it, super berries

you can create a ton of personal space with an oar

When the weather gets in your head it's not too late it's too early. Careless, read the report for the wrong mind, itching to be smug about mental tarps. Go outside ok, but not like physically without a tarp

Second dumpster to the right and straight on til morning.

Squash shall prevail.

Turned myself into the seagull king by confusing Old Spice with Old Bay again.

having the sort of day where i need to be the little guy with the sword that the big guy with the mallet carries through the battlefield on their back

Humans calling other species “invasive” as if we aren’t the OG’s of that shit.

COULD YOU AT LEAST PRETEND TO BE INTERESTED IN MY MEALWORM COLLECTION, DAD?

Come on grandma, let’s get you back online

You can just shout "my car's here" and run out of most social situations

Look, I’m sorry I yelled when you jumped on my hand but I was startled. I’m not into amphibian slime like that. I like human’s slime. Can we still be friends?

Mistook my shiny forehead for a glimmer of hope

Midnight Más, a series about a priest who feeds his congregation crunchwrap supremes and chalupas full of vampire blood

Whistle while you work then whistle while you're fucking off so they think you're working. Whistle constantly.

a typo as a child gave me life goats as an adult

She's leaking active ingredients, somebody get a bowl please.

It was a test I never should have passed. Is this a test or just a passing moment of ambiguous journey over destination how does life come up with these things? But anyway, I won a trip to multiple choice

Listening to the ocean in the treetops

Samwise could have used The One Ring to create a fun and chill Potato Realm

Wearing my sweatshirt with the word human on it and I've never been so embarrassed.

Sweat is just body drippings that you should save to make gravy.

Preserving my brain and eyeballs in a resin orb as a keepsake

Hope you find an intriguing scab on your head today

Book yer berth on Seadog Dan's hot dog barge today!

So there I was in the shower, half asleep, barely functioning, wondering if it’s true that farm turkeys drown while looking up at the rain

grilling hot dogs between storms like a sea captain. Yeah, just like a sea captain

nothing prepares you for when you realize that someone you liked has sket their last skeet

If you fall in love with a pillar of salt, you won't be able to go on a date to the pool.

complimentary breakfast implies derogatory breakfast

The world may never know what my problem is

Son: I can’t find the tea Me: that’s bc it’s *lowers sunglasses* chamomile

don’t look a gift toast in the butter