If two strong friends lift each other off the ground at the same time they will soar through the air forever

If you're looking for the groove, it's in the heart.

i want your everything as long as its free

My Mixtape’s A Masterpiece: A Killer Valentine’s @sanshinsoba.bsky.social assembled a musical celebration of the crossroads where terror and romance meet. www.neonsplatter.com/mixtapes-a-m...

he's so cute🤣❤️

Corn Dog Bats.

Shania Twain doesn't say where she wants the girls to go, but they would have gone with her to the end, into the very fires of Mordor

memory foam is satanic. furniture should not have the power to reminisce

foxtrot uniform charlie kilo tango hotel india sierra

You get the Friday 13th that you deserve.

[climbing out of the dumpster] fri-yay

Attempting to buy and cook vegetables before they join the choir invisible.

I don't have the hips to pull off playing the saxophone

peeling the panties off of my piece of candy

If you want a better world, fuck better people

Second base is when we work a jigsaw puzzle and hold hands while wearing matching sweaters

I feel like maybe I could grow quills to ward off strangers if I wished hard enough.

Trying not to feel business trip about you I say right on time to falling in love. Didn't you hear me earlier, I used ooh la la in my request for more wake up calls and fewer do not disturb signs

The masculine urge to punch the air

“Emotionally unavailable”sounds like it’s temporary. “Gone fishing, emotionally back at 3pm.”

based on the way lifes gone, if id been born a guy, id have a small dick. but id touch it a lot.

Not one to grease the cruel wheels of capitalism, I am instead going to withdraw my flageolet from my vest pocket and play every Michael McDonald song to my wife this Valentine’s Day

I discover new music by driving through cemeteries with my Bluetooth on

If I die of a papercut infection, I just want all to know I fought courageously against paper

calling snails “snarls” so they’ll feel more badass

*talking into a banana* no you hang up first

wearing my vagina inside out like a mink because i hate waste.

not all babies are pacifists. some are pacifopenhands

if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words

OUT: I'm gonna cum IN:

fruit bats what’s next vegetable bats

Am I the only one who's wondering how long a stardate is?

Hungry for a box of crayons so I'm using twizzlers as harm reduction

this dude said Cheese

please let me know if you hear about any haunted libraries that are hiring

wacky inflatable arm guys took my job

the butt is the shoulders of the legs

cthulhu wouldn't put up with this shit

might make hamburger buns my default bread idk

I need someone to remove my case and blast me with canned air to get all the lint and dust out

reabsorbing dryer lint back into my sock like T-1000

Now children, gather round and listen to the story about how in my day, ghouls haunted graveyards and feasted on human flesh, and I really think we were all better off that way.

I made a couple things today.

who called them stoner thoughts and not a smoke of genius

Your opinion is important to me. Please hold while I get my Trebuchet

It was a good day (saw ravens irl)

Sorry I can't make it, I'm being temporarily entombed that day.

baking a king cake but instead of a plastic baby inside it’s my index finger