This shit is out of control, I’m sorry

It's almost too simple but I shoot water in the sky to celebratorily rain down like rain whenever there's something to rain about such as a gtfo to complex high pressure

i don’t ever wanna fall asleep next to someone else again if i have to be lonely while doing it, he’d better have the same three obnoxious songs stuck in his head as i do

I feel like I’ve watched more than enough dateline to be a damn fine detective

Sorry I thought your toupée was a tarantula. I learned that from the Three Stooges

Going out with the baby for the day so I’m bringing my entire apartment with us just in case

Maybe this is the right time to confess I faked my own birth

Sometimes if people want to get hit by lightning you just let them

who up shedding his grace on thee

You would think that the Lollipop Guild would be affiliated with The Good Ship Lollipop, but both entities insist the other is full of suckers.

*explaining Bluetooth to my mom It’s like a uhhhh…it’s like a wire in the air and I tell my phone Kenny Loggins and the song flies out of my phone to the speaker and Danger Zone pop out

Happy 4th of July. 🐾 🎆

I’ve never met a silly goose that didn’t want to peck my eyes out

This is now a foodie account. Follow me for more healthy recipes.

It goes like this the 4th not 5th, and Jaws is on, your spirits lift, but you never found that anchor suit now did ya

grilling up my infamous hot dog log cabin

Crust is bread skin.

sometimes when I turn my head my neck makes a loud cracking sound is this considered sexy

as Gandalf to Balrog, so I sacrifice myself to the pull of heavy eyelids (dramatic sign off) FLY YOU FOOLS!

I'm gonna set my dehumidifier up outside. That'll help.

It must be so refreshing to put cucumber slices on your balls

At any one time my aim is to be the most confusing or repugnant person you’ve encountered, sometimes the two converge and I feel no shame for that.

getting lost in the sauce sounds amazing

the golden bachelor is back. and he's got a golden dick.

i’m a gemini, which means i have two penises

Men be like “I’m fighting demons no one knows about” and it’s just about washing their ass

We have whimsy at home

I haven’t shat since the CERN shutdown on June 29

setting out a jar of mayonnaise for uncle sam tonight

I had to catch like 40 baby frogs out of the garage and everyone is calling me The Froggler 😭

"what is a woman" bro shut the fuck up smarter people than you won't even agree on "what is a chair"

*during sex* What did you mean earlier by “Gremlins 2 sucked?” The social commentary and irony is pure brilliance.

That time of year when losing a finger to a chainsaw is considered the boring way

Bluesky, where just adding alt text can make you sexier.

Excuse me while I drown out the thoughts with my music

Waving back at the heat but it's really waving at the person behind me

Like cheese sliding off a pizza is how I leave a room

Leave them insulted and confused about it by putting vitriolic emphasis on nonsense e.g. "clarinet balls"

"retired" is short for "really tired"

what in the world could make a brown eyed girl so blue, lots of things don’t you get it

Shouting compliments instead of curses because it confuses tf out of people also why not be nice

ghost hunting but just me trying to find my old self

Don't grind my bones to make your bread, bro.

twisting words into cute shapes like balloon animals

We’re all just a bunch of broken Doritos at the bottom of the bag.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards Me: *turns around* the alphabet

showered after mowing and a whole leaf fell out of my butt?

After offending everybody at the saloon with your edgy bit about DJ's they'll put your head through the player piano. And that's the only way you'll be able to plug in your playlist

Melting down all the discarded mannequin limbs in the world to forge a gigantic plastic sword, why, what are you up to?