Welcome to my home. I'll show you around and introduce you to my various piles

Gonna roll down a steep hill covered in snow and progressively turn into larger and larger snow ball until I take out part of the town later if anyone wants to join me

In Maine it’s legal to beat someone with a lead window sash weight if they’re encroaching on your blood worm territory

Why would you spell out and when you can draw a swirly swoop thing that looks like a lil person w their fine booty on the floor reading something & & & & & & & &

octopus is like a voltron of 12 hundred shrimp

it's my so called wonderful life

I love a fancy British narrator that pronounces 'children' like 'chewldrin'.

The most comforting thing about physics is that it explains what you're doing there without all the what am I even doing here

my parents accidentally sent out xmas cards with a random family name on it

Pronouncing "patio" like pay-she-oh from now om

Don't disturb the Christmas wasps, their hive doing double duty as a tree topper.

A balloon thinks it's saving your breaths for later, an emergency, a backup sigh. I needed that sigh too once after a needle asked in front of a balloon about oxygen and carbon dioxide, I just choked

you there bird, what day is today? bird: CACAWW CAW CAW CAW

Journey's Seperate Ways is a Christmas song.

Thinking of her today.

Horse Christmas Horse child: Santahorse brought us apples! Horse child 2: and oats! hooray!! *excited horse noises*

thinking about setting the roomba free for the holidays, just opening the door and letting it go (in case its new years resolution is to kill)

🖤✨

my daughter made some cute little guys. I was told they’re “not edible” ok, we’ll see about that

All I want for Christmas is the love I deserve and the fresh blood of my enemies.

finally finished assembling a fuckaas scooter for my kid and I’m ready to go into the West

Please feed me to a carnivorous plant.

i amount of butter i purchased at costco appeared to unnerve and frighten the other shoppers

causing an international scotch tape shortage with my elite gift wrapping skills

I see you. You're doing the best you can and I'm cheering for you ❤️

why are all my posts in the Unpopular with Friends feed

I FUCKING GOT IT. SOUND UP.

You better watch out, Santa has gout.

Fat bottomed squirrels, you make the rocking world go round 🎶🎵

if you post some unhinged stuff here on Christmas Eve, you can reflect on that next year to see if you have improved or continued your decline 🎄

the animals outside my garage clearly have an agenda: make scary noises until I go back inside

there’s no reason ever for bubblegum to be placed into a dish

it gets notably quieter on here around the holidays which is a shame bc I would love to see how people post from their parents' house as their regressed 17-year-old self

I reckon you shouldn't look a gift horse in any of its orifices.

No, thanks, but I finished my mini breakdown a few hours ago. I couldn't possibly fit another in right now. Wrap it up to go please.

My New Year’s resolution is to save water by not showering and drinking my own piss

holding the world at arms length is easier when you are an octopus

If you say ‘world’s smallest turkey’ instead of Merry Christmas you’ll find your people

it ensnared a new bearer. the ring came to the creature Greg and it consumed him (this is about shitposting)

Just closed out a meeting by reminding people that I am off on friday and if they need anything to "pretend that I am deceased"

Are you ok babe you’ve hardly touched your Santa meat

All I want for Christmas is for the spiders to take commands from me for a change

They put a bitter coating on CR2032 batteries to protect kids but if you mix it with advil it's not bad

Jamiroquai when Jamiro vewwy sad

Saying ‘twas too often to show my Christmas cheer

Huge fan of mad-libs with my gutter brained kids. AI could never clunk out a classic like 'Frosty the Middle Finger'.