Not one to grease the cruel wheels of capitalism, I am instead going to withdraw my flageolet from my vest pocket and play every Michael McDonald song to my wife this Valentine’s Day

I discover new music by driving through cemeteries with my Bluetooth on

If I die of a papercut infection, I just want all to know I fought courageously against paper

calling snails “snarls” so they’ll feel more badass

*talking into a banana* no you hang up first

wearing my vagina inside out like a mink because i hate waste.

not all babies are pacifists. some are pacifopenhands

if an adult plays the trombone in the peanuts universe it sounds like words

OUT: I'm gonna cum IN:

fruit bats what’s next vegetable bats

Am I the only one who's wondering how long a stardate is?

Hungry for a box of crayons so I'm using twizzlers as harm reduction

this dude said Cheese

please let me know if you hear about any haunted libraries that are hiring

wacky inflatable arm guys took my job

the butt is the shoulders of the legs

cthulhu wouldn't put up with this shit

might make hamburger buns my default bread idk

I need someone to remove my case and blast me with canned air to get all the lint and dust out

reabsorbing dryer lint back into my sock like T-1000

Now children, gather round and listen to the story about how in my day, ghouls haunted graveyards and feasted on human flesh, and I really think we were all better off that way.

I made a couple things today.

who called them stoner thoughts and not a smoke of genius

Your opinion is important to me. Please hold while I get my Trebuchet

It was a good day (saw ravens irl)

Sorry I can't make it, I'm being temporarily entombed that day.

baking a king cake but instead of a plastic baby inside it’s my index finger

the trail is especially beautiful on a cloudy day - Irvine, CA

if I was a fish I’d use my fins to hold people’s heads underwater

My chances of being killed by a salmon are SO slim. I don’t even fuck around in their areas most times #blessed

(musicians inventing funk) fank? fenk? no, not quite right. fink? already a thing. well, keep at it, boys. we'll get there

You’re either dancing to disco in the hospital elevator with me or against me

I sent you a Valentine, please respond.

The most attention-seeking of all camels is the dramadary.

slapping glitter on my lack of luster

I'll stop chewing my fingers until they bleed when I stop being so god damn delicious.

only the pure of heart can put cigarettes out in their bellybutton

sorry to humble brag, but with deep concentration, I can move my hiccups through my digestive track and turn them into flatulence

storing all of my ancestral spirits in old snapple bottles

did you know ear wax glows under a blacklight?

darkness is the only thing that's never let me down

Dissociating is not upsetting to others if you patiently explain you are a maidenhead on an ancient ship.

have the party without me, l always say

If we’re together when a Celine Dion song comes on, you better fucking lock in

sometimes, if you’re up early enough, you can hear them turn the birds on

Today all my internal organs dried out and shriveled up inside me, so please, let me come out and be the maracas in your band.

do you guys eat your popcorn by pretending you’re a lizard and only using your tongue, or the wrong way?

You can't get inside a television anymore since ratings for the third dimension went sideways but we'll always remember how the dotted lines behind Three's Company represented when we should laugh

peering out from between the threads of an unraveled life, rolling the end between my fingertips