I never spent my whole life saying "when I get real" or "when I have reality" but I'm dreaming of saying "realistic living," even if I have to cut that bitch like a check

Lie still so the words can grab you

i watched a giraffe get adjusted by a chiropractor ten times today. how are YOU coping?

Perpetually living in a spy vs spy scenario of me trying to outsmart my own bullshit

Kettle cooked chips so sharp I gotta put band-aids on the roof of my mouth.

Absorbed twin energy 😍

The nooks and crannies of an English muffin are like the chambers of your heart: great place to keep pools of butter.

Weird that birds can build nests but don't sleep in them. But then I think of all the nights I spent on the couch. Birds are drunk is what I'm saying.

At least my VHS collection understands me. Like babe do you wanna watch Goodfellas or the 1973 animated Charlottes Web?

Peeps are not to be consumed, they are to be studied.

I want the part of my brain back that remembers the birthdays of irrelevant people

if he tastes like watermelon he’s candy put him back we’re on a budget

I cursed your heart under the glow of the pink moon last night motherfucker

that murder of crows looks friendly

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, also shame on you. Trust me, you’ve never encountered this level of naïveté before, I can keep this up all fucking day.

If you want revenge, then dig two graves. the first one is a practice grave to get a feel for it and the second is your main or "show grave"

gotta get my camouflage ready for the easter egg hunt

🖤

Rejected Looney Tunes character: Bed Bugs Bunny.

launching a celebration superstore named Party Shitty

will eating chocolate inoculate me from Count Choculas or further entice them

Every day I wake up and choose delusional contentment

A basic knowledge of rocks and minerals will impress even the most adhd of children

When I was a kid, there would be a part in the song where a robot would sing & I would be like: "..ah, this is the best part."

My kid: why’d you leave such a small amount of Cheez-its in the bag. Me: it’s enough. You are enough.

Shine on you crazy lumps of coal

VOICEOVER: are you tired of ME: absolutely

upgrading the windmills of your mind to solar

when I told the genie I wished for bigger sex organs, I didn’t mean my prostate

instead of a fitness tracker that counts your steps per day, how about a mental health tracker that counts your posts per day

what are they going to do up there. fuck?

Another busy day alphabetizing my secretions.

We have filled the decorative ponds with carp that will leave you with a deep sense of despair and general malaise.

cars should roll over and explode if you hit a turtle

a beautiful avoider is an inspiration really

a woman’s place is in the kitchen boiling the bones of her enemies into a rich nourishing broth

a woman is at peak mental clarity right after parking her car, sitting in silence before getting out to go where she’s going it’s like we don’t exist for 5 minutes. sitting in the liminal space between Existing In The World. Schrödinger's lady.

when does Godzilla get to make👏 sweet👏love👏

the terrors within are line dancing in crocs

you should be judging some books by their cover

Smokin' Joe - The Coffee Cigarette™

Follow your heart. Track its movements. Kill it before it destroys you.

I'm only culturally human, not a practicing one

When I take out my colander to drain the pasta it makes a SCHWING sound not unlike a sword being unsheathed

my mom got an adult bib for me and she's not wrong

What do I bring to the table? A moist beard

With restless mind I went to give nomadic therapy a soothing wander but I just can't shut up now about my journey journey

Sloughed off another layer of lifeless flesh and now my glasses aren't sitting quite right.

I should never have to see a billionaire's opinions on this site and every time I do, I should get a cash payout directly from them