Cats taught me to live 9 lives of crime

i think cats understand crime

who just straight up drinks milk, you know that shit was squirted out of them wiggly plump fingery boys dangling off an animal with like 87 stomachs right?

An Epstein list AND an alien list in Q1 of 2026. What a time to be alive.

Life hack: instead of paying movers just give all your stuff away

i order the batter-fried fish burrito every time because i am a creature of halibut

I am no longer following any new men here because I’ve collected enough of them to wittily rewrite my posts, rendering me almost redundant.

*looking at the almost empty container* i am now more peanut butter filled pretzels than woman

Honestly, when I come back as a ghost I’m probably just gonna mess with your audio settings

i bet it feels so good for the bowling ball when you stick your fingers in it

And with his last breathe his last mite of strength he jorked his peanits for one … last … time …

[writing a yelp review] I specifically asked for no tomatoes but they put tomatoes anyway so I accidentally ate a piece of tomato and I can’t stop fucking gagging and farting

crabs probably think they’re walking forwards

that puckered up kissy face selfie isn’t going to get you out of this one

(KUNG FU SCREAM)

This cat food says it's rich in turkey but I reckon it's just an exchange rate thing

Live a little. No, not like that.

can you imagine the first fucker to ever eat crackers and cheese

if you live alone do you talk to yourself and how many different whimsical voices do you use

You post too much one day and then you just can’t stop, that’s how they get you

bringing home the gold in being weird and off-putting

shaving my pubes into a helipad so he’ll do that thing i like (land his helicopter on my isla nublar and send his scientists out to discover a mad billionaire’s dinosaur island)

“Good to know.” But it was not, in fact, good to know.

my daily affirmations are just screams

Changed it up a bit go.bsky.app/MmnKXs7

clapping my hands and believing in myself so I can get out from under the covers like a spluttering tinkerbelle

[walks out on stage with six elderly women] sharks, i’ve invented fucking your moms

Why did you block me, my man. Is it because you do not believe in the magic of parkour?

Specific Hospital

Stop asking me what I do for a living. As an adult my job is to act like everything is okay when it is definitely not okay.

I’ve never been held at gunpoint but I have clung to my last breath, dancing on the edge of respiratory failure to entertain my baby

gun to my head i'd rather watch hockey over football but mostly just thankful canada has strong gun laws

there is a cat near and purring

Potatoes are easily in the top 10 of reasons to live.

This is where I post from

hr: you need to be more respectful to your colleagues me: who reported me — horse teeth or the mouth breather?

Breathing oxygen is so embarrassing I wanna breathe fire

my advice? never ever stop posting

the age of belts is over, the time of suspenders has come

Yodelling (platonically)

Happy Lunar New Year from a person from the one Asian culture that doesn’t really celebrate Lunar New Year (Japanese)

what's my favorite position? the doubles luge

I’d absolutely choose to be Medusa, minus the whole beheading situation.

If I had a nickel for every bad decision I’ve ever made, I’d invest it poorly

two self reposts so far today because they’re relevant again because my life is a repeating loop

reminder: don’t sweep your house, take out your trash, do laundry, or cut or wash your hair today! happy lunar new year 🧧🔥🐴

I'm actually starting to enjoy the way my head feels after banging it against this wall.

the mouth is the garage of the face

Ascending into my final form, lady Jesus

RIP in peace atm machine in irl