Out of respect, if you feel you must say something nice today, please make it sarcastic.

I am the anthropomorphic manifestation of a bad time.

It’s ok to be lonely and horny just don’t do that shit around me

I love cooking and so many things are important to people when cooking. Good stove, certain type of grill or oven etc… For me, the most important item in cooking is an ingredient often referred to as a good piece of ass.

sexting you with two spaces after every period

Setting the tanning booth to tandoori

i accomplished nothing this weekend mission accomplished

you’re never too old to die

sitting on my hands before I use social media so it feels like someone else is posting stupid shit on the Internet

Parenting tip: answer all of their questions

pigtails for men

I try not to be a dick because it's just my luck that I would die early before I got around to any sort of a redemption arc

Thoughts and prayers to me who accidentally answered the phone to my mother this morning.

potatoes are probably our best thing

gosh I hope behaving like a total piece of crap doesn't do anything negative to my immortal soul

Some of you are overqualified for bluesky (too sane)

Not to brag but i have a bitchin rest face

More animals should be bumble, not just bees

never count your chickens before they hatch. make them earn their title of nobility

The patience Ive shown today is miraculous.

Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve barely called the cops on me this week

man i just hate it when england experiences good things. luckily it doesn't happen very often.

Dream a little dream of spontaneous combustion.

Joke's on you, parasite. Explosive diarrhea is a condition under which I THRIVE.

Slumped into the door frame, arm weakly reaching forward, mournfully covered in what seems like a whole sleeve of saltine crumbs. “If only you’d been here sooner,” I say, the stunned dasher handing me my order.

Words never fail me. It’s people who fail me.

“Jurassic Park” just go to a turkey farm, it’s the same shit

Doing hot girl shirt... ya know, just questioning every decision I've ever made

making an illusion cake: on the outside it looks like a cake but the inside is a wormhole

Deodorant in chapstick tubes WHEN

You've got to ask yourself one question: will these raspberries give me the ayahuasca shits?

sorry i tore down your emotional walls with my love i didn't realize you were completely made of walls

As long as you pick your self-esteem up within 5 seconds of it hitting the floor it's still good

i can’t go out this weekend, my human skin is at the dry cleaners

inside you are two buckets of shit and piss

I like how cats are cute but also they carry knives on their feet and mouths.

most of my life lately is whispering “what the fuck” to myself and then reluctantly persevering

I know butter ma’am and this isn’t butter

Sometimes you just need to kiss your mirror

America's next top yooberz

If poison was all artificial banana flavour I would drink more of it.

Always be canoodling

screaming THAT’S MY PIZZA every time a pizza comes out of the kitchen until I’m right

hey i noticed you didn’t reskeet, are you mad at me???

I say alrighty but nothing is ever alrighty.

My meal prep is cutting open the ramen package before the water is actually boiling.

fucked your mom so good she gave me the rest of your dino nuggets

Every now and then I fall apart

i am auditioning crushes -must live on the same continent as me or have own plane -may have no more than two (2) taxidermied rodents in your possession -must not get mad when i put on dramatic stage productions using said rodents

Can I come over and stare into your fridge?