Caffeinated penis

Hey I have a message for you from my butt: 💨

Rawdogging the bus by forgetting my earphones

This year I’ll metabolize my very own tranquilizer

"engage your core" what am I, a nuclear power plant? The earth? Do I look like an apple to you?

Human skin should be wrinkle resistant

They should make a Nintendo69

I hope the new year sends me straight into oblivion.

in 2026 i resolve to do everything exactly the same except your mom (more frequently)

2025 in my mother fucking rear view HNY sweet babies

Happy new year!! I successfully stayed home we will see later whether this was a cry for help or me relaxing into myself (por que no los dos?)

If you wake me up and don't read my rights to me, I'm going to assume you don't have any either

HAPPY GOO YEAR, FOR THIS WILL BE THE YEAR OF GOO.

Finally 25% through this century.

if i keep moving west i can avoid the new year entirely

i don’t want to brag but henry viii would have 💯 beheaded me too

The end is nye.

One thing I learned this year is that I make cute babies

for my final act of 2025 I will make a severe amount of lasagna

sometimes I’ll think about how everyone will die at some point and think, “god. what a hassle.”

Blood is just the start of what I am capable of hemorrhaging.

My 19 year old daughter about to leave: “Dad don’t get sad because you’re alone on New Year’s Eve…” Me: “Girl I got gin and nachos and YouTube and I am going to fart so much, I am good.”

New ear, new noise

“eating well” lol have you heard of vitamins

I dunno man, today just feels like a waste of my business pyjamas

I love you bro. Consider this a fucking warning

sometimes I’ll just grab a fuckin orange and make juice with my mouth idgaf

it should be illegal to say “see you next year” on december 31st

existing as if my life depended upon it

IBS is just your microbiome telling you to eat more cheese

I’m about to identify as a porblem if you don’t watch it

Well I made it through the year, I suppose I’ll push myself through another one.

the bone temple is what your mom calls it when i fuck her on saturday morning

one mood away from getting a tattoo that says eyebrows on my forehead

all I’m saying is a lava lamp would be much better with real lava

people with naturally good posture act like they earned it

At my boyfriend’s hockey game, eyes peeled for evidence of post-game homoerotic tension.

will 2026 be better than 2025? probably not but maybe so i guess that’s something.

M’laise

how much does it cost to have godzilla stomp on you does anyone know

Dudley reading your posts

This entire lifetime could have been an email.

imagine making it to the end of 2025 and still thinking you can make change in this world by scolding people on a niche microblogging website

Stop swearing please it’s making it hard for me to cum

Biblically accurate slutty Jesus

WHAT DAY IS IT ?!

“I shaved my pussy for THIS?” I say, not having shaved my pussy in many months

i probably worry too much about being bitten on the testicles by twelve foot python that came up through my toilet for a man who lives in toronto canada

Avoid conversations at the supermarket by spending an inordinate amount of time in front of the laxatives.

Before social media I would worry when strange things popped into my head. Now I worry when they don't.