Lifting my leg up to fart like a dog taking a piss

sometimes you just have to lie on the floor about it

JFC, Canada. Ever heard of raking your leaves?

You become an adult the day you realize you've been misusing a slang word

Walking through the rich neighborhood in case any rich people want to be rich at me

Sexting in my best Gollum voice because I heard you’re into role play.

canada has picked a new pope

warning labels stifle me creatively I should be able to use a plunger any way I want

People pity my revolting visage

Guy who talks about how he almost got taco bell the weekend before diarrhea week the way some people talk about missing a flight from Dallas to LA on 9/11

The decline of Western Civilization can be traced back to my wife getting thermostat access from her smartphone

Fake banana flavor is always yellow. Real bananas are basically white.

yelling “presto!” whenever i cum

This is my emotional support shredded mozzarella, provolone, Gouda, and Parmesan cheese blend

Hello I would like to know how do I spend all my time alone without losing any more friends?

babe what do you mean you can’t stand the sound of me incessantly chewing ice?

thousands of Americans will never trust a fart ever again

[after clenching my jaw all day] why is my jaw sore

need to slorp a noodle

Ohh, now I get it. Dude Wipes are just normal wipes but bigger because dudes need all the help they can get.

Human skin should be wrinkle resistant

they should make cheeses for when you are sad, cheeses for when you feel like doing 147 math problems in a row, cheeses for when you need a nap, and cheeses for when you’re feeling extra horny

i'm getting very comfortable with the fact that nothing is satisfying anymore

not to brag but several lesbians I grew up with have described me as their “last male crush”

We had Hot Girl Summer and Brat Summer and 2026 is what? Bagged Salad Summer?

you know who else loves me just the way I am, horseflies

Imagine giving birth through the twat

(dropping my phone into the ocean) oh no!! my dopamine machine!!

Sitting my white ass down and tanning

birds wake up screaming bc they’re empaths

It's leg day at the gym. It's torso day at the body farm.

Got out of bed again. What could go wrong?

Honestly, it’s my fault for getting up this morning.

their favorite game is passive bitey-face wrestling

I can’t think of the last thing I did where going to sleep didn’t feel like the better option.

“It’s getting harder and harder to tell AI from reality” I admitted to a dish towel

accidentally mk ultra-ing myself: oh fuck not again

rocking up to the cat shelter with my reusable totes like hi im here to do my shopping

I don't know who needs to hear this, but could sometime explain to me how come why? Make it make sense!

If you count rolling your eyes, shaking your head and raising your fists as a workout, my shitposts might be beneficial for you

I wish I could send this entire website to object permanence school

I don't always give up easily, but I've gotten better at it

Let the anticipation kill you

i should be able to pop all my limbs off and roll around as a torso if i want

[socrates] “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable." [me] did this bitch just call me lazy

I’ll never learn how to spell diaherrea

need a genie to turn me into a lesbian

telling the family i have explosive diarrhea but just napping the bathroom

chuddler summer takeover

true crime stories with unresolved endings should be limited to one episode that is all move along now single file nothing to see here