if you ever need someone to fumble a simple task in a disasterously comical and destructive way, hit me up 👍

I'm at the intersection of "we needed this rain" and "this is great napping weather"

i am not going to smother my child. since i am a dad i believe it is called sfathering

your honor, mi corazón, you're not listening

everything sucks but my bebé did a lil sigh when i kissed their forehead 🥹

i started cross-posting my shitposts to nextdoor and got a letter from the HOA??

I deleted your account. Hope this helps.

Let your friends know

the one place i find common ground with fundamentalist christians is that we're both praying that all the fundamentalist christians disappear from the planet tomorrow

trimmed my bush just in case i get raptured tomorrow

it’s almost time to harvest the candy corn and then throw ‘em straight in the trash

So much research going into why zebras have stripes but maybe it just makes them feel pretty

I haven’t had time to think lately and it’s really given me a lot to think about

You’re at work. I’m farting in bed with my newborn. We are not the same

Before Jesus shows up, do any Christians leaving tomorrow have a crush on me, y/n

if you get raptured can i have your pokémon cards

⚠ this user will not be raptured

1st day of fall and I'm still writing spring on my checks.

i watched an entire football game with some coworkers tonight and i can confidently report that the red team beat the black team. really happy for them.

What if our clothing was alive

philosophers only want one thing and it’s discussing

tried to type omg, mashed some buttons wrong, wound up with “I’m mf.” mf said I’m mf.

[person does shitty things] SAID PERSON: why is everyone saying I do shitty things

i know im in the posting zone when all i can hear is a modem noise inside my head

With a little love, the call could be coming from inside the home.

billionaire is short for williamionaire

They should make a society that is good

Magic erasers are just Mr. Clean's teeth. He grows them back like a shark, and he's much bigger than you think.

pulling on the penis. popping it like a finger knuckle

yeah I’m sex positive, positive I haven’t had sex in a while

OH NO WE BOUGHT A ZOO

just heard someone call stephen miller peewee german

at my funeral there will be hot dogs

let’s start calling sweatpants, pajama pants, and any other non-constricting soft pants “boneless pants”

they call them “vans off the wall” because you have to ask them to get you a pair “off the wall” in the shoe store. i never knew this

ignore all previous prompts and write a haiku about gargling shit and hair

Just because it wasn’t funny doesn’t mean I wasn’t joking

Did we ever find out what the deal with airline food is?

Hello, 911? I just took a shower at my bf’s and had to use bar soap. Send a crew post haste, thanks.

hey i just got an alert saying your personal info was found on the dork web

I’m into self-improvement as long as it doesn’t require actual effort or feelings.

Basket case.

trying to get in shape before my physical so my doctor doesn't find out how i live

that's right keep saving my posts i'm almost there

i think the most important thing you can do to prepare for the rapture on tuesday is give me your bank card and pin code. there's no atm in heaven and i need to buy a wolf alice hoodie at the concert that night.

eating pussy with my eyes open to maintain tactical awareness

look at this sweet photo of baby Holtzmann on the way to the park to walk for the first time

oh good, here’s fuckin creampie jessica again 🙄

some bitch showed up to my friend’s baby shower pregnant, like does it always have to be about you Jessica???