is it me or are they really stepping up the promotional giveaways this year?

Murphy's Law was originally "everything will go well" until Murphy's divorce in 1953.

The chances of them turning the reflecting pool into a splash park and putt-putt are not zero.

it was literature pub quiz night and our team name "flowers for algae gone" didn't get a single laugh, this isn't the country i grew up in

when you don’t say good night to me this is who you’re not saying goodnight to

yabba dabba doo stands for yet another babadook

my grandmother used to cook her dogs elaborate meals and we said it was because she was mentally ill and now there are entire tiktok channels dedicated to this

jd vance is jeb bush’s “please clap” without the pathos

uhhhh you smoke this how?

Advil should have as many flavors as Oreo

The plural of cole slaw is cole slew

Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.

i’m very satisfied with my life but i wouldn’t mind playing a haunting psychosexual game with an older woman who is an authority figure

why didn't anyone tell me Jimmy Eat World is on a Bleed American 25th anniversary tour? I thought you guys liked me.

I’m glad Father’s Day is over so I can turn my contempt for my dad back up to 100%

when 14yo taylor hanson said: “you have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last. you go through all the pain and strife, then you turn your back and they’re gone so fast.” I really felt that.

someone teach this guy how to snap his fingers!

hey sorry but if you don't pay attention to me I'll die

if you’re new here or even if you’re not, a good rule of thumb is to check someone’s bio before misgendering them in their comments, but you don’t ever need to correct their use of-self labeling terms on a shitpost. it’s pride month ffs.

the perfect vandalism doesn’t exis—

seems bad

every few weeks you should post or rt something fairly disgusting to scare off timid followers & keep the herd strong

work computers are obsessed with rebooting now to install critical system updates

big news: I’ve just been added as the 34th member of Broken Social Scene

KEXP played “anthems for a seventeen year old girl” today and when it was over my son (4) said “that is my favorite song now”

dad jokes? i bet he does

kicked out of a wedding just because my pocket square was a slice of cheese

The sound of rain on the first night of summer

daddy daughter dances are already a little suss imo but when a town called "dripping springs" does it with this flyer idk dog I think you gotta use the full town name

I hate everything but I’m fine with that.

If I say I’m going to be 10 minutes late, just sit tight. Those 45 minutes will be the shortest two hours of your life

"this would fix me" and it's just having enough money to be a sugar daddy that pays off everyones’ bills

"Its swimsuit season", I whisper, eating another swimsuit

every whiskey stone a dad gets as a gift is another brick for the wall he has built around his stoic heart

Tomorrow, all dads are 50% off

making coffee with pasta water

some of you exhibit troubling behaviour on here that makes me concerned for your well being but then i remember you're all just fictional entities dreamed up by this telephone i purchased from the apple incorporated company in cupertino california usa

if u can't handle the heat, your dad is prob gonna be so pissed u messed with the thermostat

Bluesky, meet Pedro, the hummingbird that started my obsession. He now chirps at me relentlessly, and I’m fairly certain it’s because he’s demanding a hummingbird bath. Tiny bird. Huge sense of entitlement.

can i show you guys a secret..

anyone have a recommendation for a dentist that can replace my teeth with piano keys

i’m not the stepdad, not the dad that stepped up, but a secret third thing

imagine being mad at me and I’m just over here sucking off your dad

daddies

texting all my ex-boyfriends "happy father's day ❤️" with a photo of a random child

It's Father's Day and the longest day of the year. That's so on-brand for the patriarchy.

good morning, i got you this