I adore the boldness of kids. They’ll just hold out their foot in front of you & stare like, “tie my shoe, peasant” & you’re like OK but one of these days we gotta talk bunny ear method

celebrating the end of another workweek by shifting into my weekend form of a potato as is tradition

so I “accidentally” ate a portion of the protein bar wrapper myob

Masterfully done I whisper to myself after successfully getting through another day without going out.

✨

Oh yay, forced socialization season is here.

have we tried saving daylight by getting rid of Mondays yet

I don't understand what the hell you are saying, Barb. If I have a cake, you can bet your ass I'm going to eat it, too.

Good news. Looks like I might have pot roast twice today. 😏

I'm bringing sexy back by braiding my back hair

Going to start carrying my cell phone in this.

my pillow pet is a big ass bag of weed

I’d love to skip the entire holiday season. Avoid the in-laws, the credit card bill, and the great "is Die Hard a Christmas movie?" debate. I’d just conk out after Thanksgiving pie and wake up when it's time to buy discount candy.

is scrolling a duty or a hobby

The head of security at the Louvre.

I would prefer cheese tray over flowers, every damn time

Melt me 'til my brain turns to rubbish

HELLO SHARKS: OUR REVOLUTIONARY APP CONNECTS UFC FIGHTERS WHO PUT PEOPLE TO SLEEP WITH THE INSOMNIACS WHO CRAVE IT

don't be that guy i say to myself

If she's the right age you can kill two birds with one stone.

Whenever someone new comes to the house, Clyde always likes to show off his mailman collection.

[speed date] me: how do you do date: do what ? me: RING THE BELL RING THE FUCKEN BELL RING THE B

If it was over then, it's not all over now. In confetti terms it's celebrate continuously. Be regretted, be all over the place, be too impossible to be all gotten. Floors though. Like I'm not living cluttered to the fullest

Woke up sanity adjacent again.

I don’t like to get political, but when is the price of hockey cards gonna come down?

when they say you're a ghost in the machine what they really mean is you are haunted meat

against my better judgment i still have pride in my work

Banger? What's a banger? Said in that old Philadelphia cream cheese commercial only old folks will remember.

Smart, but not enough to stop putting lotion on my hands and then trying leave the room right away. The doorknob won't turn! Stuck forever.

I can humbly confirm that I’m just winging it.

"so what do we call ourselves" "well we DO have a luminous glow and are very naughty" "illน๓iຖคti" "bro" "bro"

Today I learned about a 'transient anus' and it got me thinking about you

I'm not one to brag, but I totally got out of bed today without coaxing.

Feeding another person is love. ❤️

My life has become cringe.

I'm like if an old man was a middle aged woman

My least favorite error message is *any* error message that instructs me to fucking CALL someone. Bitch, would I be trying to do this online if I *liked* talking to people?!?

The challenges of reaching across the aisle

So the robot malfunctioned whilst “making love” to the victim ? (me being a forensic scientist in the near future examining a clump of indistinguishable human remains) Sure okay send in the clown

Girl i wanna motorboat your personality

You think my skeets are bad? Wait until you see this email. -me, at work

I just want someone to buy me a tiara and tell me my coffee breath smells fine

You had me at “I like a girl with personality” because I have a few.

Just saw that gen z thinks using cash is cringe and it's official now, everything is cringe.

Ate five cookies while trying to convince myself that I don't need to make spaghetti at 9:00 at night

My panic room is in a pineapple under the sea...

twerking on main

The meek no longer want the earth thanks.

Have you tried uninstalling the app in rage and then using its web version about it?