Life was better when we all had Blackberry phones

My daughter deciding that we’re going to bake our own bread has predictably led to no bread.

One of my favorite fun facts is why the TMNT are named after artists (it’s because the type of turtle they are is a “painted turtle”). I told my nephew about this and he immediately replied that there should be a Bob Ross turtle. So rather than explain the renaissance movement to him, I-

Going to make a sacrifice to an old one, anyone need anything while I'm out?

I sobbed and wailed all day, knowing that I can never take Tylenol anymore ever again.

my mom took tylenol when she was pregnant, which made me super focused on playing drums and no one cares on bsky dot app

damn,now every one knows how I got my Super Powers (Tylenol does not cause autism)

This ain't my first Rapture.

b4 u fall in love w me u shld know i snort laugh at my own jokes

I showed him your posts.

despite all my sage I am still just a witch not a mage

Rapture? My head thought it said rupture, and nothing is numbing the pain. Send snacks.

Enjoy your fall. Do what inspires you.

New Fortune Cookie fortunes for those over 50 #4,310: While you are no longer good looking, you do not resemble moldy mashed potatoes on a popsicle stick. Rejoice in that.

hey babe do you wanna go on a pre-rapture frolic through the fields?

When I first started here I allowed anyone to reply to my posts so yes, I’ve made it through some really hard times

I only have a few friends but hopefully I’ll be able to get rid of them soon

Funniest thing I did today was cancelling my Hulu bundle after they announced bringing Kimmel back cuz fuck those assholes.

One must shitpost in order to post shit, according to the ancient scrolls...

you're my pocket person and I love you *puts you back in my pocket

How Soon Is Now - The Smiths

I can’t imagine taking medical advice from our 2025 federal government. Also, I would guess some of our tax dollars might be tied up with a libel lawsuit from the makers of Tylenol. It’s dumb turtles all the way down.

Today's tshirt

I’m not in a weird mood, it’s a lifestyle.

If I were a real witch, dinner would make itself. (I turn around and my husband puts takeout food on the table) It worked! I am a real witch!

When your radio just keeps running and running and running: that’s radioactive

I really thought I was gonna have to stop, drop and roll more in my life.

last day of summer i'll be ok, just need a moment

Who wants to meet up and do a rundown of the seven deadly sins. I don't want to risk my name being on the rapture list by accident.

My Boss: [patiently explaining something to me] My Brain: YOU TAKE THE GOOD YOU TAKE THE BAD YOU TAKE THEM BOTH & THERE YOU HAVE THE FACTS OF LIFE

Might just be heaven on earth if all the self righteous religious folks do fk off...rapture, rupture whatever :p

no hair style compares to a rugged, last second bun. they are undefeated

anyone want to be friends with drawbacks

*enters an MMA tournament listing my primary discipline as feng shui*

I think my boss is sick of me calling him "toots"

my favorite part about this years rapture is all the drugs.

Autumnal equinox blessings to all. Love you.

asked my 8 yr old what she wants from Santa this year. with no hesitation,"rip away pants"

It's all fun and games until an unapproved phone lube decreases the effectiveness of your screen protector 🏆👑 Congratulations @theciscokidder.bsky.social from @doomkick.com

RIP stands for "Ripped in Peace"

If you’ve followed me for a while, you probably know I was not voted “most likely to succeed” in high school.

In 1997, I knew a guy who was waiting for the rapture. Turns out he was in heaven's gate though, so

Baby's first blep

The rapture is tomorrow? Good. Maybe then with less competition and the reduction to the workforce, I can finally find a new job.

Who you are when your posts get 0 likes is the real you

i’ve delayed soo much gratification…some even on purpose

The administration has ordered that "black" be stricken from all song titles. Hence: "Paint It" - Stones "Bird" - Beatles "Back In" - AC/DC "Hole Sun" - Soundgarden "Or White - Michael Jackson

We haven't seen what baby Busty is up to lately....turns out he's living the life!

i call shotgun on the rapture

Pumpkin spice? What about cocaine spice?